# Baja Manitoba Free Press



## moustress

This is the first edition of the New Improved Baja Manitoba Free Press.

Long before I started keeping mousies, I was married to a person who fancied himself to be a Southern Gentleman, and he complained how I had dragged him off to the frozen northlands of Minnesota. One morning, about a month ofter we arrived in Minnesota after a nuptial flight from Maryland, he was heard to exclaim, "eighty degrees below zero" while listening to our local news and weather station at 6:30 in the morning in December 1983. Yes, children, it was The Real Thing; colder than a titches wit; cold enough to freeze your eyeballs if exposed for more than about two seconds. (We'd been married for about six weeks, and he had forgotten that he'd asked me if I wanted him to move back to Minneapolis, Minnesota with me.) It had snowed a foot the day we arrived in town, and then it snowed another foot. Our engine block was frozen solid, so we were out on New Years Eve, busing to and fro for a New Year Eve party.

You see, we pride ourselves, here in Minnesota, on carrying on regardless of the weather or the economy. At 85F below zero, (our Zero is already 32 degrees below the point at which water freezes) we waited for a bus at about 12:45 am on the first day of January, 1984. a car stopped, rolled down the passenger side window, and the driver yelled, "Jeez, are you insane?! Get in and I'll drive you wherever you are going!!"

Of such things are Minnesotans and mousekeepers made. It was about 15 years later than the mousekeeping started. I'd just gotten my first computer, and had come to the conclusion that I had no comfortable use for a mouse with no fur. I was stranded here to face another Minnesota winter all by myself. I needed something warn and furry, and my husband was 1400 miles away, back in !998, when my daughter caught a wild house mouse. She wanted to keep it, so we broke out the little plastic tank that had been occupied by a gecko or chameleon for a couple of weeks until...nvm. So we kept the mousie, but I made her let it go after about two days. The poor little thing was not going to ever survive happily in captivity, so we took it outside and let it go, after which I agreed on a trip to a pet store to check out the available stock.

And, now, here I am, eleven years later, airing my thoughts on an international mouse forum. Those first two mousies were so wonderful; two girlies, one of whom liked to be handled, and another who like to be handled on the off chance it might be able to escape. Ah, those mouses...gotta love 'em. One was black and one was champagne. I thought my mousie desires were fulfilled. And then I saw a tank full of about fifty (way too many) big meeces of every color I could imagine, and then some. Someone had dumped a whole mousery, it seemed, and I was to be the beneficiary. The shopkeeper was also selling 10 gallon tanks that had minor cracks, and I stopped on the way home with my 20 new meeces and got material to construct tops, and a mousery was born.


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## julieszoo

Hehe, I had to chuckle reading about your winters. Do you know here in the UK the whole country grinds to a halt if we have 4" of snow, we just can't cope at all


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## moustress

Yeah, that's how it is in Washington, DC. as well. They don't even have snowplows! We have the widest range of temps in Minnesota of anywhere in the world. I've seen temps ranging from 105 F above zero to 45 F below zero (85 below when you count the windchill.) I'm glad you enjoyed my writing. It must be the Irish in me, but sometimes I just have to sit down and tell a story at my keyboard.


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## moustress

It rained just about all month in October; dang: We had four inches of snow and of course that was the only night I left my car out in months. Grrr! Now, of course, that I've put away all the summer clothes, we are due for Indian Summer with temps in the seventies pushing eighty (F).

We made a day trip heading northwest 225 mi. to Alexandria, Minnesota on Saturday. Nate had a gig there (he a musician on the weekends) paying bass for a rockabilly and do *** trio. Stopped at our favorite restaurant on the expressway, fabulous diner serving great American style diner fare. The sky cleared so we had a lovely twilight with a nice sunset with the clouds clearing off as we drove west. The club he was playing at had a Halloween costume contest. It was a fun and friendly crowd with a lot of dancing and tomfoolery. The trip home after closing time was okay until about the last half hour between 3 AM and 3:30 AM. The brain wants the body to rest, and the city lights were brutal. The eyes wanted to close. Must not let eyes close when driving.

Got up at the crack of noon with a lower back spasm and spent the resst of the day doing as much of nothing as possible. Number One Son had taken care of the meeces just before we got home so I didn't need to crawl upstairs to deal with that until later Sunday night. Spent the day reading and eating pastries from Nelson Brothers, the diner we ate at the night before. Their meals are huge, and there's no way to do dessert other than take it to go. Yes, the cream filled fudge covered bismarck was just as incredibly good as I remembered from the the time before. It was the size of a small cake and I could only eat half with my morning java, had to save the rest for later.

I found one new litter of yellow tris when I finally checked the mousery.


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## moustress

It's been quite a week in the Mousie 'r' Us corner of The Quarter of Muse here at Curious Manor. Nate played both nights last weekend with David Carroll at local clubs, so I got to spend a lot of quality time with my herd of meeces. I've just about gotten through a whole new cycle of breeding, with only one more doe to deliver, and dozens of little eekers in various stages of growth. Much joy in the mousery.

On other fronts, I'm cranking up my desktop publishing stuff to meet an order for more copies of the CD 'At The Edge of The World' by Howard Kranz, the first of the two albums I've produced. The other 'Water Over the Bridge' by Nate Bucklin, my spouse, needs some more insert material printed at the same time, so I'm going to be busy with that for a few days with printing, cutting, stuffing the cases, etc.

Nate is an accomplished musician and songwriter/composer with six albums, five of which are still available. As long time members of the SF and Fantasy community, he and I are both heavily into making music happen both live and recorded. We perform as a duo at most of those type of gathering, which we call 'music circles'. It's a folksy kind of thing with the emphasis being on folk, with a wide variety of material being presented putting the 'folk' in the music where they belong. Nate has small but loyal following mostly in the US, but including Britain, and Australia, and South America. My instruments are bass and voice.

I'm also getting back into turning artwork into prints and calendars and T-shirts, oh my! I'm frustrated by finding that my desktop pubbing program will not run on my newer computer...grrr....I have the program on the comp my husband uses for his job (he works as a medical transcriptionist here at home) and I'm thinking of getting him a different computer and taking that one back, as I originally got it for myself. He doesn't need one with all the bells and whistles I got on that system. Besides, he treats all machines like toasters; he uses it, ignores it, and then when it starts to smoke or whistle or whine he picks it up and shakes it....except for the car, which is too big for him to do that. I love him dearly, but he has a special talent for anything electronic- these things all exhibit problem of the sort the never show up when you're trying to fix the dang thing (technicians of all types call these glitches DNOIS for 'does not occur in shop' *sigh*)

We are working slow but steady on getting hunkered down for the winter. No one knows what to expect fo the weather anymore; I think it's a global problem, really. We had November weather in October and now we're having October weather in November. I can handle as long as it doesn't get so warm again that my spring bulbs try to start up before the long winter's nap they need to bloom next year.

My gift card from Home Depot came today so I get to go shop for materials to improve my mousery. I'm going to mouseproof it which will also make it cheaper to heat this winter. My mousery is in a nice sized walk-in closet upstairs that has fiber board in most of the walls. I'm going to put in flashing, baseboards. an oak threshold, and a fan venting into the crawl space. I also need to do a little repair work on the floor where, at some time in the past, the upstairs was a separate apartment, and the closet was a bathroom, thus there are holes in the floor for plumbing, etc. We are oing to do some field expedient repairs to the cement slab in our garage filling in the gap between the bottom of our new insulated garage doors and the cement. The new door won't do much good if the wind can whistle through underneath. We hope to get the cement redone in there and all around the outside sometime next year. There's always something when you own a house.

That's about it for now; thanks for reading my babbling and nattering.


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## julieszoo

You must share pics when you have finished your renovations, I love looking at other peoples setups


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## moustress

juliezoo, it's mostly shelving and tanks from floor to ceiling, or kneespace, where the eaves come down. I have all my necessary items on shelves outside the mousery, more or less in order depending on how recently I tidied up. There are about three bins full of tubes and wheels and all sorts of things that could be used in a mousey fashion. then there are tins full of various foods, cleaning, pest control supplies, etc. etc. etc.

Too much stuff, really. Like a box full of unopened packs of rings for Toobz, when get chewed up pretty quick when in use. I bought about 20 of 6 packs of them when I saw a good price a couple of years ago, and I still have about 10 packs of them. Then there's cardboard of various sorts that I use for making mousie furniture from, and wooden things I buy at thrift stores to put in for the little darlings to climb on, nest in and reduce to sawdust.

My daily mousework (nightly, actually) takes about an hour, but I usually spend considerably more time since I have to play with and enjoy a portion of my little herd every night, especially the babies.

I'm glad you are reading in this thread. Thanks for the feedback.


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## julieszoo

It's a very enjoyable read  I feel like I am perched on the back of a chair watching you go about your daily life


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## moustress

Sometimes I just have to write; I've tried my hand at writing fiction, but I don't seem to have the knack. I have always enjoyed expository writing, and journaling seems very natural for me. I wrote a good bit during the vacation we took last winter. the Irish in me gets me in a state when I have a drink or two, and then the words just flow out of me like Beam's Choice. I've tried my hand at fiction, like I said, but reading what I write is a trial, as bad as listening to recordings of my voice. I want to sound like a 'good' (My friend Becca, for instance) singer and not like myself. I'm told I sound just fine, and sometimes I feel I really nail it down and do it just right.

My personal thoughts today are centered on the feed mill where I buy a half a year's worth of oats and wheat adding up to 100's of lbs. I sort the grain in order to clean out stray bits of this and that and I had been finding, on occasion, small black round things that I picked out when it was convenient, along with kernels of corn and bit of rock and dirt. The latest batch of grain had morn corn in it, and I took to sitting down and sorting it while listening to TV or music, and I found that there were a lot of bits of broken kernels of corn. I was not happy...and then, while sitting under a good strong light, I noticed that the little black dealies I thought were weed seeds mostly came in two sizes and were perfectly round. I haven't confirmed it yet, but I cut a couple of them open and they are metallic, and now I am really perturbed. I grew up in the country with a father who brought home lots of game for our table, and think I know what I'm seeing, and....and....GRRR!,,, the thought that plague me as I wonder if I've been inadvertently poisoning my mousies with lead...very upsetting.


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## julieszoo

I'd be horrified to find so much contamination in with my animal feeds, I hope you are having strong words with your suppliers! I was irked enough to be picking thistles out of the hay bale I opened today, let alone lead shot!


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## moustress

I got home early enough today to make the call to the feed and they will replace it free of charge; I'll broach the subject of the expence of driving about 60 miles each way when I get there. they were very nice about it, and I should have called sooner, but I'm not a naturally confrontational person. But I'd do almost anything within reason for my meeces.


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## moustress

This last six days have felt like they lasted a month. I wish people would be little nicer to one another, in general, and think before they write. It seems to me that some folks say things on forums and in chat rooms that they'd never say to anyone in person. I try to be careful, and I know I'm not perfect, but I do try to be good.

On the home front, we had a scare when the furnace on my son's side of the double bungalow wouldn't fire up. Turned out to be a door switch, and covered by our service program. Then I got an order for some copies of a CD I produced and we've been flailing around trying to find the cheapest solution to an incompatibility of my newer computer with my desktop pubbing software. Solved the problem with a reconditioned HP/Compaq tower that runs Vista; nasty but it'll work for Nate. I have several projects that I need that system for, actually.

This Forum has been somewhat of a problem in that it doesn't load at all some of the time, and other times it just kind of freezes up when I try to post. I am no longer getting notifications of replies. That, combined with a lack of interest in the type of investigative breeding I am doing, has me wondering if this is really a place I should continue to occupy. It's a bit demoralizing to admit that mean people get to me, but then, I'm a more natural person than I was when younger, and don't like being hurt. And I do try to be good.


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## SarahC

I love the pictures of your beautiful mice.The genetics stuff is to high brow for me,but I love looking at the results of your experiments.I wish I had some.


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## moustress

Thanks for the kudos, Sarah.


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## moustress

Here's hoping that folks come back after the brief spate of ill humor. We really need to stick together, that's how I feel anyway. There are very few outlets for folks with such relatively off-the-wall interests as we find in this Forum, and I hope this one doesn't become another example of what happens nice people just get tired of seeing devisive and negative content in a place they love. I'm sorry for whatever part I have played in that, and hope we can put it behind us and get on with the mousing and all that goes with that pursuit. Now we go to our happy place....


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## SarahC

yeah,the friendliness is the best thing about this forum. :thumbuo I hope it stays that way.


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## moustress

It's been almost two weeks since my last entry in this journal. Ain't it punk when real life interferes with your hobbies? Well, posting about the hobbies, anyway. It has been very, very busy in the mousery with litters growing and needing to be photographed, then needing to be sexed, rehoused, etc. The mousies are always a high priority for time and energy. and I am still honing my methods for every part of their care. I've decided to nuke the grain I give them instead of freezing it. The meeces seem pleased with the result, but then they seem to like almost any new thing I do in the way of feeding them.

Nate's band played both nights this last weekend at a club called The Refuge which is about 60 mi. northwest of Minneapolis, on the edge of the Sherburne National Wildlife Refuge. I tagged along Saturday just for the heck of it and it was so quiet in that club, so empty...kinda spooky. Counting the band and the folks that worked there, we outnumbered the customers. It's not good a band so I brought a book to read, but unfortunately I have a problem with music. I can't ignore it, I have to listen critically, The lead singer should be playing rhythm guitar on all the songs, and only does on a couple; she's not a very good singer to start with. The emptiness of the club created poor acoustics. It was pretty annoying, all in all. Nate and I have a good time on day trips, or in this case, a night trip.

We have a statewide ban on smoking in almost every building that's considered public, and it's hard to say how it's affected the business at bars and restaurants. I think the poor showing was mostly due to the fact that it was Thanksgiving weekend, during which most people visit family, and/or watch lots of football, and begin Christmas holiday celebrations. And shopping. Don't even get me started on how commercialized Christmas has become.


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## SarahC

we have the smoking ban and businesses are saying the same.For the first time ever I have done nothing for Christmas.My whole focus is getting all ends tied up leaving me free to cope with the soon to arrive pups.Panic will set in re Christmas shortly.


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## moustress

My kids are grown up, so we no longer have panic or any kind of big deal during the holidays. We just put up our tree, have a nice dinner, and sit around nibbling treats nad drinking whatever. It's nice not to have a ton of stuff to do. My son is learning how to cook stuff from scratch (my daughter really ought to ask for lessons too, poor thing) and is becoming quite good. Having puppies has to be some kind of chaos. I've raised a puppy (boxer!) so I can imagine what having a litter of them is like!


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## moustress

'Tis the season, and the weather agrees; it's snowed twice in the last week. Not huge storms, just a few inches here and a few inches there. A couple of my clients thought I'd cancel and stay at home, but nothing short of glare ice or total blizzard keeps me home during the winter. Nate and I drove to Alexandria (Minnesota) Saturday evening for a one night gig with It's about 200 miles, which is a bit far for this sort of thing, but we both like traveling, and a day trip (or night, in this case) is fun. The guy Nate was playing bass for was not feeling well, so Nate got sing lead on a few more songs than he sometimes does with this combo.

The trip home was not as much fun, but the lateness of the hour was relieved by a stop at Nelson Brothers. It was two in the morning, and I decided we needed gas and decided to check to see if they kept their bakery and coffee bar open all night. I got some black coffee,an 'elephant ear' cinnamon crisp, and a fudge frosted cream filled bismarck the size of a hat, and Nate got a cinnamon roll as big as a small coffee cake. I saved the bismarck for nibbling along with the Sunday paper as it's not the sort of thing to eat in one sitting, and certainly not a travel friendly snack. We got home a bit after three in the morning, and took about 45 minutes to settle in for some sleep. Sunday was spent catching up on the snow shoveling before the next installment which fell over night.

Shirley Buggins and Adam Antsy have a new litter of 12 that was born sometime during the night Saturday. Adam was placed with another tri doe a few days before this litter arrived. The pinkies were squeaking vigorously when I checked on the mousery. James, my son, fed and watered the mousies for me so I didn't have to do that, thank goodness!

We lost my cuddlebuddy, Granite a couple of night ago. He was just found dead in his tank with no sign of illness as a warning. Diamond Stud died yesterday, and that was not unexpected as he was quite old, and showing it over the last month. Every now and then I think keeping mousies is just to sad, as their lives are so short. Then I see a new litter and realize that it's alright, life goes on as it should.


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## moustress

Hoo boy!! i bet some of the folks who were dreaming of a white Christmas are wishing they'd had some strong coffe and stayed up and awake! We have had a record setting snow fall over the last two days, and it ain't over yet. Today we get freezing rain on top of the snow, and then more snow. Shoveling out is going to be a real pain in the caboose. My son, James, went out yesterday during a lull in the snow and shoveling the stoop and front walks. Without being asked. To my amazement.
Now that's a gift!

Yesterday we baked and made ready to stuff the turkey. It's sitting in the fridge along with a big bowl of stuffing and huge cheesecake. We also made cookies and put out peanut brittle, and a few other kinds of candy. The tree went up around sunset (I had James do the honors of setting up the tree and putting on the lights) and later the three of us (Nate, my spouse, James, and I) put on the hand made ornaments I made over a series of years a decade or more ago. Our presents this year are our presence in each others lives; a gift greater than anything else we could find for each other.

The weather will keep us at home today, so dinner will be in the evening. I might have set an alarm to get up in the AM and get the bird in the oven, but all considered, we slept in until the crack of noon. Now I go to have more coffee and nibble some treats. I want to wish each an every one of you all the joy and peace that can be found in this season of light and love.


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## jo65

MERRY CHRISTMOUSE to Mousetress & Everyone (and to my Pagan friends happy Mithras day) We haven't had snow but there has been a prevailing wind (especially following the Brussels Sprouts lol). Quiet day - as quiet as you can get with noisy teens, spoilt dogs, excited mice and a diva lizard. We had our Christmas meal at lunchtime and a miracle occurred - I didn't burn anything. If we do get bad weather I am sorted. Fridge and freezer are full and among the DVD presents we have Rob Brydon Live, Gavin and Stacey series 3, Benidorm and Ice Age 3. I also have a 2,500 word essay to do for Uni that has to be in Jan. 7th but am doing a remarkably good job of forgetting about that one.


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## moustress

Here's a newsflash: moustress (lower case, no e) is a pagan! I'm a syncretic pagan, a secular taoist, and a red letter christian. I tend towards believing everything and everybody's right to believe in anything. I'm a humanist first and foremost, tending to pray for everyone equally with the occasional exception of a person known to be in great need, such as the Dalai Lama. He's my hero. There's great change afoot in the world and I pray that he can ride the wave as it crests into the future.

For me, this season of holidays is emblematic of the gift all people should be giving each other every hour of every day: love and compassion enacted through the way we treat each other. Generosity and harmony in our attitudes towards those in need and those we disagree with are both a part of that. Hatred is only the scared side of the love coin; flip that coin whenever you can and there is a good chance that love will win the day. Give it a chance; give yourself a chance too while you're at it.


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## jo65

Sorry about the name spelling moustress but I think you have me all wrong. I am a Pagan too, I just have loads of friends who are Christian. Dec. 25th is Mithras day always was and will be and was adopted by the Christians as a way of Christianity being accepted by Pagans. December is a great month for celebrations and friends who follow Judaism start with Hanukkah and make it last through to Christmas (a long holiday methinks). Of course just before that we have Yule our own celebrated festival. I encompass and appreciate many philosophies and judge no-one. So Happy New Year to all and to my fellow Pagans have a great Imbolc.


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## moustress

Happy Everything!!

*no worries-didn't mean to sound harsh*


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## moustress

Doctrinaire arguments aside, I say. A yellow mouse is a yellow mouse is a yellow mouse. Unless it's satin, in which case it might be gold. I question the sense of insisting to call a yellow mouse anything else. Why, when we have genes called lethal yellow, viable yellow, and recessive yellow, is it wrong to say a mouse is yellow. Why insist that no difference exists when it obviously does exist.

Negatively for it's own sake is just plain useless, and I try not to do that. There are obviously a lot of different colors of mousies beyond those that are recognized as show standards. Calling a color 'poor' is pointless and puzzling, as if someone like myself doesn't have to right to breed nonstandard shades or use language that is properly descriptive. I don't claim to know everything about the genetics of colors in the coats of meeces, but I will not accept arguments that are not founded on sense or science.

It's as if someone could wiggle their nose and say to a yellow mousie, "Now you are red." Of course there is a basis in genetics that accounts for the shift in colors from yellow to red; to state anything different just can't be right. That's what is behind the whole principle of natural selection, which is the same force that we put into play when we choose to breed mousies that possess characteristics we deem desirable. It is not natural selection, but it puts into play the same pressure the causes the genome of an animal bred by selection in the wild to change by rejecting certain genes and allowing others to be passed on. I'd like to see the absolute tiniest detail for each little nucleic acid for the different shades that are all generally the same genetically and then I might believe..but it would be pointless exercise. The molecules that make up the language of genetics aren't arcane or impossible to make sense of in detail; it's how they fit together in infinite ways that makes it a challenging science. I won't pretend to be an expert in this arena but I have enough grounding in scientific reasoning to recognize wrong thinking when I see it.


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## moustress

It's snowing again. My clients for today both canceled so I get a day off to sit and watch the world turn white. There's always plenty of stuff to do on a slack day. I'm going to spend an hour or so in the mousery taking photos and doing a bit of cleaning. (It's always Cleaning Day when you have as many meeces as I do.) I could hang a new Space Blanket over my front windows, do laundry, clean woodwork...or I could go to bed with the book I'm reading and maybe nap a bit.

The article on Cattanach's Translocation needs another look as I think I have digested what I read last week. *blort*

One piece of...excitement isn't quite the right word...stuff that happened is that I finally got a dentist to pull one of my molars that has been a problem for the last thirty years. I was so dang grateful I could have hugged both the dentist and the assistant! My dentition was badly messed up by braces forty years ago; the braces helped only in a very limited sense, and left me with really weird occlusion and nerve damage to several teeth. With sinus and ear problem, migraines, etc., etc. I'd like to upload my brain and get a new head to download myself back into. That's a flashback to Max Headroom, a short lived SF TV series with Hugh Laurie. It was great! A friend got me the discs including an episode never aired here in the US that I have yet to screen. Hey, there's another thing I could do today!


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## moustress

The study of chemical pathways can go to several different scientific specialties; organic biology is a very complex subject but it reveals patterns that repeat in seemingly endless combinations. In high school I didn't do as well in chemistry as I did in biology, probably because I wasn't good at the chemical equations. And I don't know everything about genetics, dangit all to heckfire and darnation!! I keep reading and trying to let the subject trickle in without drowning my poor old brain.

What I do have is a grounding in scientific method and scientific reasoning. Darwin was an intuitive scientist, he knew diddly squat about genetics...but he would reason the same as I did, even though he didn't know even the tiny bit I do. His reasoning was very simple: A change in appearance or function of all living organism must be based on a system inherent in all living things, with progressive change indicative of that system in a progress that is orderly and predictable, and in that way, organisms change and adapt in order to maximize their chances at surviving and reproducing.


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## moustress

Ummm, I'm tempted to rant incoherently. Frozen meeces. How tragic. How stupid. If snow stands on the ground that means it's cold enough for water and things based on water to freeze. I'm sorry doesn't cover it.


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## moustress

Ooh, my prayers were answered as we have temps warm enough to soften the conglomerated ice and snow that festoons our streets, making them feel like we're on the wagon train to Oregon. The city says they are going to work at clearing the worst of it, and it looks like they will have the whole week to do it in.

We attended a Minn-Stf meeting that was turned over to a music circle in the evening. We brought our usual compliments of classical guitar, hollow-body electric bass and a repertoire that had become somewhat rusty. My voice worked just fine, and it was a small enough circle that everyone had the chance to lead four or five songs. The hostess, Erin McKee, had acquired a lovely piece of sculpture, from Indonesia, of a frog with a small frog perched on it's back, insisting that it was mine, and had been left there. Speechless, something that is rare for me, I accepted.

Our host, David Wilford, gave me a hug as Ii left the music circle and we exchanged promises that, if he would play the 12 string guitar I aold him last spring in the next circle at his place, I would play whatever guitar we had along, probably the classical, as they are much easier on the hands. I manage to stay in practice on only two or three tunes, what with the arthritis in my hands.

Our good friend Dave Clement (Decadent Dave Clement) from Winnipeg was there with a lovely new guitar to repleace the one that got wrecked when put into luggage on an airflight. Very sad, but the new one, he reports, is easier on his old hands. Sounds like the second verse of the lament started in the previous paragraph. It was great to get out as I had not been very well during the holidays, and had to pass up several gatherings, including the carolling party and the Christmas party at our friends house. I went out for a couple of hours on New Year's to be with Nate at the club his band played at, but I left pretty soon after the crack of midnight.

Nate survived with his job intact and his hours restored, as the outfit he does medical transcription for didn't have enough work to go around for everybody. We are both very relieved to have his income restored to previous levels.


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## moustress

Well, our January thaw lasted a good long while, but not long enough to clear the rutted ice on the side street and in our alley.
It rained on Saturday! For hours! Rain in January! Aaaaauughhh!

Nate and I made the run to the feed mill in North Branch in the rain Saturday. Not the most fun ride, and the short distance from the car into the office there was very awful. At least the temp stayed above freezing until early evening when we were already home. I now am generously supplied with whole oats, whole wheat, safflower seeds, and millet. Didn't need the premium corn-free kibble this time round.

I am wryly amused by the on-line relationship, such as it is, between Jack Garcia and myself. He caught me being wrong again, and all I can think of to say is that if we keep butting head (politely and correcting one another we should both be freakin' geniuses in a couple of years!!


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## moustress

It's been a while since I posted here; the weather has been challenging. It snowed for almost 48 hours, though we got spared getting a whole foot of the white stuff like our neighbors 50 miles south of us. We haven't had much snow during the last four or five winters, and one forgets just what a hassle it can be.

The mousery has been very busy in the last month with five litters born with only one failure. One of the litters were the last fallout of the hermaphrodite yellow tri bucks. These look a lot better than the earlier ones, much bigger and fatter. A lot of the earlier batch were off a very immature young doe, and half of them have either died or been put down. The newer four were born to the mother of the father (the hermaphrodite buck).

I have three new letters of tris and one new litter of satin fawns. It will never cease to amaze me that each and every tri mousie is new and different. I need to take time for pictures one evening soon. I've been doing some serious cleaning and reorganizing all the stuff I have for my meeces, leaving less energy for that kind of thing.

I've decided to add barley as a regular part of the meeces nightly feedings. They seem to like the small amount I got for them in the bulk section of the market, but that's way too expensive to use as a regular food. My feed mill where I get the oats and wheat sell 50 lb. bags for about $7.00, so there'll be an extra trip up there this weekend.

My day job involves in helping mentally ill adults who are living independently, and that has been extra rewarding lately, as a couple of my clients have made great progress towards getting into housing situations that will work out well for them in the long term. One has been a client for about four years and when I first met her she hardly said a work more than was necessary, now she laughs and jokes and is really a pleasure to know. We have fun together. It's the little extra that makes a relatively low paying job pan out as very rewarding. I have learned to respect the whole process that occurs from the onset of a mental health crisis through the reentry into independent living. There is always a lot of hard work on the part of the client, and with my help, when they are stable and able to make life choices that work for them, they bloom. They are my heroes for the bravery and hard work, along with all the obstacles they overcome, and I just love to see it when things work out well for them.


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## moustress

With pride and misty eyes I said goodbye to two of my young fawn satin does. You'd think with the large number of meeces I keep I'dno trouble letting a couple of them go, and that's mostly true. I still feel a little weird as this is just the third time I've ever placed my mousies with someone else. They both gave me nosies when I said goodbye and wished a good life in their new home.

*sniff*


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## moustress

I'm almost done grieving over the girls I sold last Sunday. I'll feel better when my little satin fawn babies get bigger.

With all the snow we've had here in Minnesota there is a good chance of flooding in the area. It's not something we need to worry about being a couple of miles away from the river and on a hill, but we're hoping for a gradual thaw that allows the water to flow away without doing too much damage. In the city where I went to high school, they sold the city park on the river flats and let someone build condos there. Hope they have flood insurance.

Here in Minneapolis there is a lot of ill feeling towards the way the city has allowed the streets to become so impacted with frozen slush that jars and jolts one's auto and one's body terribly. I'm trying to hold on to my kidneys until Spring. I've had to abandon some of my favorite routes through neighborhoods that allow me to end run heavy traffic during rush hour. It's not worth the punishment. In addition, we've had enough freezing and thawing over the last couple of weeks that hasn't realy helped clear the streets but has caused just enough water to melt that it goes into the cracks and freezes, breaking up the asphalt and creating a gazillion potholes. Much of my workday is spent driving all over the city so can quote chapter and verse.


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## moustress

Now I really have something to grieve over; I had to put down Firestarter , my young satin marked champagne tan buck. He was just placed with Flame last week, and I hope he had time to do the job. Two nights ago his testicles look like they were a big too big and in the wrong position. Last night his testicles were twice as big and he was in obvious pain. He was a good boy and didn't bite me when I picked him up. I gave him a treat and then put him down. He was the brightest orange tan belly I've had in a while.

I still have other options as he came from a litter of fawns and champagnes, so one of his brothers probably would make for a good tan as well. Still, it's a real bummer.


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## moustress

It's the wee hours of Thursday morning, and I couldn't sleep. It's been a heavy week, as we were tryihng to refinance our mortgage, and not getting the results we wanted. On top of that my dear husband has been replaced without notice in one of the bands he's been working with, which is insulting both to him and to our household budget.

So, I was in bed stewing over the mess, and as usual my thought turns to things mousey, and I thought I was on the verge of figuring out some more stuff about how the tri gene works re the combinations of commonly known c locus dilutions and the tri factor. There's something about the way lines that carry Ay as in my yellow tri line and in my brindle tri line.go to having less yellow markings or less brindling and more black eyed white in stages in some cases but not others. It is apparent that Ay works very differently with the tri factor than some other types of markings.

And now I've written enough to remind me of this train of thought, which is good, as this train is about to crash. *yawn*


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## moustress

Our dear friend Judy invited us to visit over the weekend, so we flew to New Jersey for the weekend. Judy Harrow is the ranking priestess of Wicca in the US, and we have known her from long before she she was into paganism. It was her that we asked to perform our handfasting, her that called in the troops in the form of 13 Tantric healers and healers-in-training for the healing ritual to help rid Nate of cancer a couple of years ago.I think we were a bit much for her to handle, as she is very frail and not well. One of the trials off aging is seeing loved ones in your peer group start to age and withdraw from parts of life they used to have.

We loved her dearly even before she spent the weekend pampering us (taking us to her favorite restaurants and stuffing us with several types of cuisine) and putting up with us (both my husband and I are very intense and like to babble on at length about whatever) and sparring in a friendly sort of way over differences in lifestyle and opinions/beliefs/outlooks.

The crescendo of our weekend was Saturday night, after a really exceptional Italian meal, when I could not find a parking space near Judy's house (she lives in New Jersey witing spitting distance of the Holland Tunnel and NYC, NY). It had been raining in Minneaplis when we left, and was raining even harder in New Jersey the whole freaking time we were there. I dropped Nate and Judy off at the door to her house and drove around for about ten minutes trying to find a sparking pot (yes, Virginia there really are Spooners with their Spoonerisms out there). I founf a space that I thought was only one block away from Judy's, and started walking. I made everal false starts covering about six long blocks unnecessarily while the wind and the rain got worse and worse. I walked in the middle of the streets which were at this point were streaming with water an inch deep. The wind, it turns out, was gusting up to 50 mph, and it was no regular storm, but a Nor'easter, heading up the East Coast into New England.. When I figured out that I had wasted my enregies by getting lost and trudging all the extra blocks I was, to say the least, besides myself several times over. So, there we were, marching through the urban juingle, the rain beating me in waves that were coming in sideways from one direction or another (I HATE getting water on my eyeglasses), trying to read the freaking streetsigns, soaked to the skin, past block after block of houses so close together that they all seemed to look the same. I cracked. I cracked really really good. (Fortunately, I am not excessively brittle, I bend, crack, and get a bit crazed, and later I straighten myself out)

Judy and Nate were waiting for me at the door of her porch. I guess that some of Judy's guest have gotten lost lost in braod daylight in good weather in that neighborhood. she was irritated that Nate did not go with me, but all taht would have accomplished was having two older middle aged babies lost in the storm.

I hate New Jersey. Nothing good ever happened to me in New Jersey. I lived in various parts of that state for about four years in the '70's. But for Judy, I would never think to go there again. Getting home was such a blessing, especially after visiting the mousery and seeing two new litters of healthy pinkies, two more does showing, and other mousie babies getting their fur in full color. James did a barely adequate job of feeding and watering, but I had topped off all the water bottles and overfed the meeces somewhat on Thursday night, so everything was pretty much OK on my return.

I haven't gone through this forum to see the new posts yet. I think I'll wait until I've had a normal night's sleep in my own bed before I try to do that.


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## moustress

Sometimes it takes a real effort to be civil. I try to be good, I really do. Still, it is tiring when someone keeps grinding the same tired axe over and over.

I've not been well since out trip to New Jersey, having a hard time just getting up and getting going to do the things that need to be done to keep life motoring forward as it should. I was feeling OK the first day or two after we returned from our trip, but the stress manifested itself in disturbed sleep, and later as a chronic health problem that leave me feeling like a wrong out dishrag. Of course, the living things always get taken care of, regardless of how I'm feeling. I've been taking pictures but haven't had the concentration to put together posts.

It's demoralizing when someone who should know better fails to show respect for the feelings of someone else. That's a global statement, not aimed at one person. It the shoe fits....

I'm feeling very sad and a bit fragile these days. It's spring and I should be full of energy.


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## moustress

It reached 80F yesterday; I truly hope it isn't a preview of hotter than usual temperatures for the whole of spring summer and fall. Everything in my garden is coming up at once which is weird because it's supposed to be a staged perennial garden. Things are getting crowded in my little flower beds. Out state there are grass fires and brush fires where there isn't flooding because of the early and quick melt off of snow. And still folks argue against the reality of global climate change.

I happen to be among the group who sees that global warming is happening, but thinks it's a bit too early to say just why it's happening. At heart, I believe that humanity is a natural phenomenon, and that climate change is probably due to multiple causes, not just the impact of technology on the environment. The anger over the debate detracts from the arguments of proponents of any theory about what's happening climate-wise. It's hard to argue with rising flood waters in so many parts of the world.


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## SarahC

it's odd reading this.Some parts of the U.K have severe weather warnings in place due to heavy snow.It's cold wet and windy where I am.I usually have frogspawn in the pond by february but the frogs have only just appeared .


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## moustress

Ooh, frogspawn! I miss having toads and salamanders in my backyard and basement/crawlspace like we did when I was a kid. I remember how my mother would send me down to get canned food because she was so scared of the little dears. Once she made me go and remove all of them because there was a tornado warning and we needed to get in there pronto. I miss wetlands; here in Minneapolis most of them were drained long ago and they are just, in the last ten years, starting to restore them to abate pollution and provide habitat for all kinds of things that were virtually nonexistent except right by the shores of the many lakes we have in our city.


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## SarahC

I live in the city,all built up.I scoop as many frogs as possible off of the road before the inevitable.I love frogspawn,that fresh glistening mass.I'm as thrilled now as I was as a child.Bit like a full moon never loses it's magic.


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## moustress

Have you ever experienced a rain of frogs? :shock: Talk about slippery roads!! And talk about the poor froggies! It was just about the weirdest natural manifestation I've ever seen; there was a severe thunderstorm over the lakes etc. where I grew up, and we were coming home at night. All those white bellies flashing in the headlights as they came down all over us and our car; young froglets mostly, dying by the dozens. *shudder*

There must have been a feeding frenzy of some sort immediately after because, by the next day, there was little left except in the front grill of our car.


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## SarahC

no,never experienced that,must be eery.One species loss ,anothers gain.I see the blackbird sitting on the edge of my pond catching tadpoles to feed to their youngsters.When I have a culling session and lay the culled out before disposel,the magpies come down and carry off as many as they can manage in spring and summer


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## moustress

April has been an unusually busy month in the front yard gardens and for back yard compost areas. we had placed an old couch under a tarp in December, and since the weather was so good this month, I put the couch in the trash. I also got an education as to what kind of cruddy materials are used in modern day furnishings by taking it apart with sledgehammer, crowbar, screwdriver and utility knife. There was a bunch of cheesy foam rubber, quite a bit of cardboard, a lot of plywood (wormy wood and glue), and about six or eight pieces of good pine two by twos, which I am saving. There were the springs too; I spent as much time prying them off the wood they were attached to as I did for the whole rest of the couch. Of course, there was the fabric from the upholstery, which went into the trash as I has dropped out of the contest to see who dies with the most fabric stashed in storage.

My gardens in the front yard are weirdly lush for a typical May Day; things that should just be about two inches high are a foot high or more. It's been unusually warm and kind of dry. I tuned up the lawn mower and put a new blade on it, as we have already had to mow the lawn. The mulch I put out last fall has done a fabulous job insulating and fertilizing; I used the People's Politically Correct mulch made out of Mao Zedong and aspen, along with the grain and seed leavings. One of my pots of pansies survived, which is good as I could find the clocked pansies at the nurseries this year.

We lost our huge old elm last year and now there are all sorts of weird things growing in the lawn and on the boulevard that a weren't there before. Yesterday I dug a clump of daisies out of the middle of my lawn and put in the north side patch by the front of the house. I've had them in my garden for a few years... right after the tree came down last summer I started having allysum invading the lawn, and violas (johnny-jump-ups) as well. The dogwood I'd been trying to extirpate in the south side of the front is out of control completely. I may have to dig up about a square yard and get seriously medieval on it's ass.

My three composters should produce about two cubic yards of finished material this year!


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## moustress

Hokay, isn't this fun now!? Last week we had an 80F day and tonight we have frost warnings. I may have to bring in my potted petunias; then again, here in the heart of the gritty city a probably won't actually freeze. The only good thing about the cold is that it will slow down the grass and other weeds. I hav a feeling I'm going to be busy this summer pursuing and removing daisies and other things that are growing in my lawn; either that or I'll have to apply to the City for permission to establish a rain garden.


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## moustress

My life is just a chair of bowlies these days what with hermaphrodite mousies surprising me with pregnancies and pinkies where none should be. At least the weather has more or less normalized; the lack of shade in my front yard has meant that everything is going at breakneck pace. I was glad to see the last of the tulips go as it allowed me to cage my lilies before the buds started to get very big.

I've started digging up some of my volunteers and putting them in other locations; slipped a clump of violas out and into the growing garden around the stump of my dear departed elm tree; removed a few little lily bulbs, the ones that came out with the green still intact, into the space in front of the north half of this tiny double bungalow. Tonight I may go after the blanketflower clumps, see if I can successfully separate some of those.

I'm afraid I frightened the neighbor's two year old yesterday after seeing him tripping through my creeping phlox on the boulevard, kicking his toes into them and up...I just said,"NO", firmly, and he froze in place, at which point dad came over to get him, explaining that it was a garden. I said, "Thorin, it's OK; it's OK." I'm going to make him a Secret Map to show him how to get to the tree stump with out squishing the planted greenery, and hope that will smooth things over with him.

it's fun to watch folks go by with their pooches; that reminds me I need to put up some sort of markers where I planted stuff on the boulevard so that kids and pet owners alike will know....

Sometimes life is tiresome...always too much month left at the end of the money; never enough time to do all the things one would think needs to be done and never enough help when you really need it. Done whining. Bye now!


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## moustress

Never a dull moment; last night we uninstalled and reinstalled our in-house wireless network. Now we have a new cable modem and about 40 less feet of networking cabling trailing though the residence. The old stuff was installed on the north side of our double bungalow, where my son James lives. The wireless hub is still on his side, but the cable connection is on my side, with the connection to the wireless going through the cold air returns and the basement.

We had a lot of fun ripping out the fiberboard and withe ceiling, which was something I've been wanting to do for years, and banging on the venting to determine where stuff went and where to poke holes. The former resident lied to us; we wanted a place that had never been severely remodeled. It turns out this property had an apartment in the basement at one point AND an apartment in the upstairs. We keep uncovering stopped up pipes, and misc. flooring (multiple layers in places), and I suspected things from the start as there are newer elec. outlets and light fixtures in lots of odd places.

Anyroad, we had fun ripping and grumbling and poking and ripping some more. There's still most of the rest of the ceiling to rip out...fun fun fun...when we do some more I's or we'se's going to wear a hat and a mask. Fiberboard! The same bloody crap as the inner walls of my mousery! The two sides of the basement were separated by knotty pine boarding with the knots largely fallen out, so we didn't have to make a hole!!

Lastly, I made the call to activate the new account; spent about a half an hour on hold and two minutes later we were all connected once again. All that remains to be done is tidying up the cabling with little brackets and prtective covering where necessary, and calling to turn off the old service.


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## moustress

I want to freeze the season in place. Yesterday evening I laid back in the grass by my front yard garden and I stared up at the pure blue lens of sky, with tall tree tops in the periphery, birds winging overhead; a flash of a cardinal like a small bolt of flame, swallows chasing bugs. I tried to concentrate on trimming the grass in front of my flowers but my head kept pulling me back to the rest of the scene. I wonder if I have an English groundskeeper in my background, as it seem so natural to me to trim grass carefully, by hand, with a good pair of garden shears.

The iris and peonies are beginning to flower and the lilies are now about four feet tall. My climbing rose has buds all over it; I am so pleased to finally have a rosebush that hasn't died over the winter. The secret is having a garden store with really personal service. The owner walked the aisles of his outdoors store and helped me choose, then walked with me to the front, imparting info and encouragement. I have spoken to him twice since I got the rose, and all he said was 'Now that it's established, you don't really HAVE to do anything, but you can prune parts that die and feed it if you feel like it. Mulch is good; down worry about tipping or wrapping. Just let it go."


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## moustress

We have successfully oxidized the flesh of a tasty mammal in honor of Memorial Day; we also had grill roasted corn on the cob, and homemade lemonade. I love building a fire to light the charcoal the old fashioned way. I use all our assorted branches from trimming stuff the year before for kindling, and dried leaves and grass as tinder. I also disposed of a few more pieces of the old couch in the grill. It was absolutely perfect weather for this kind of thing; about 80F, partly cloudy, a light breeze enough to keep the mosquitoes off.

Yesterday we emptied and moved the composter that was near the house over the winter. I have two that are about a cubic yard each, and a somewhat smaller one made out of the big Rubbermaid trash can. All of the kitchen scraps, yard waste, and used mousie litter go into them. I plan to level out our yard eventually. Last year I had about a half a cubic yard of finished material. I hate wasting stuff, and I've always tried to be conscious of the environment. I won't use lighter fluid to start my fires because it's so bad for air quality.

This week I'm going to get a couple of packs of annuals to fill in here and there. I'm going to have to thin out my irises when they are done blooming as they multiplied over the winter and are half again as big as they were when I got them from my neighbor. I think it's a combination of the compost I used as mulch and the all the extra sun the garden gets since we lost our old elms on the boulevard. I'm still battling daisies in the lawn!


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## Autumn2005

You grilled homemade lemonade...?

Oh, sorry, I get it now... tired

Sleep good...


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## moustress

Alrighty, then...there's nothing her for you to see...move along, move along...

Sometimes what is true and what is right are not the same thing. Sometimes the choice of what words to use is important enough to require extra thought. Sometimes people say mean things without meaning to be mean. I try not to be mean. I really do. But sometimes something sets me off, and I still try not to be mean And then, when I feel I am being belabored when I've made myself clear on a subject, I get very sharp and pointy.

English fancy mice just look weird to me. I don't propose that 'The Mouse Fancy', a hobby with centuries of breeding and tradition behind, should change what they do in order to continue the lines of mice with huge ears and humongous tails. Just don't expect me to coo over them much, except where color and personality make an impression. I love mousies, and I'm glad to see folks enjoying their mousies. I think that that aspect is ultimately more important to me than what the mousies look like. Adn to each there own; de gustibus non disputandem and all that. I don't put down the mousies with big ears and humongous tails; neither would I ever kiss a cow.

One way or the other, with or without specific characteristics, a mouse is a mouse is a mouse. Beyond that, I guess I've been clear on the subject of not agreeing to facts that are, on the face of it, not correct. If that makes me a pariah that's fine. I like sharing my meeces whereever I find folks who like to look and talk about them, and read about them.

If I have earned the scorn of some, that's okay too. I can live with not being universally liked. I am not the easiest person in the world to get along with, that I know. I've always been a champion for the underdog. If I find that 'pet' mousie owners are being castigated, I will protest in what ever particular is required. And I will never, ever agree to facts that false. Never.

It's a nice weekend for something...I know!! Mousies!! Goest thou and enjoy them!!


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## moustress

Another week begins here in Baja Manitoba; it's summer and the humidity and the mosquitoes increase with each week. while it's cool, relatively speaking, in the 60F's, the humidity is tropical and oppressive. We have been battling the greenery in the back yard, this weekend was assigned to beating back the Virginia Creeper on our neighbor's fence, as it will surely devour our driveway and our house if left unchecked. Nate started on his own, and was not happy when I told him he was wasting his time. He has cut the weeds down to about six inches in height, and the Creeper spreads at the base of the greenery,so practically none of it had been touched. We settled on getting half the length of the driveway done properly, covered with landscape fabric for now, and to be covered with several inches of wood chips sometime this week. Wood chips for mulch are available free at the city compost sites.

Ther weather has been so undecided much of the spring, and now, just as I put away the fleece blanket and electric blanket. I was chilly enough to need an extra cover when napping. I'm waffling on putting away the sweaters and coats. Boxes litter the bedroom floor...what to do, what to do...


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## moustress

We spent a fruitless half hour trying to find the site where the City of Minneapolis Park Board has free woodchips for the taking. i checked when we got home after giving up the search, and found we were at the right location but there were no wood chops. Makes sense that everyone and their freakin' brother probably take them to keep down weeds at this time of year. Tomorrow I'll call the Park Admin. to find out if woodchips are available at any of the other sites...as for toady, we will have to settle on just doing the mowing and pulling out weeds by hand.

I could complain about the rude treatment some of my posts have received in the last week, but, hey, you know what? I decided I don't care, and am just going to ignore them. Those who indulge in this sort of thing are therefore only hurting themselves, which is sad, and I'll pray for them. Truth be told, I pray for everybody as it's good for me, and doesn't hurt at all. I pray that all will have a little love in their heart for all their fellow humans. It matters a lot; we are all tender creatures deserving of care and compassion.

It's a sad day in my mousery; Adamant, my prime tri stud was found dead last night. I still can't believe it. He was in the best of health, I thought. I'm glad I have dozens of his offspring to carry on his line. Now I have to search through the bucks for a new stud...I can't believe it...waaahhh!

On a more pleasant note:



I had a hard time deciding which view to post; my garden looks good from all angles. It's designed to show a different face from every direction.


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## moustress

Wild week and a half in weather around these parts. It was raining so hard on Friday evening, and the wind was very severe, so that the rain was blowing sideways so hard that I could see waves blowing off the eaves of the house across the street. It was the first time I ever have seen water dripping from the little vent pipe on the bottom of the chimney in the basement. It never occurred to me to look there fro water, but it was dripping on my head and feet as I passed by looking for water coming in at the walls.

A week earlier we had a record setting an outbreak of tornadoes in the state; twenty in total, including two that were a half a mile to a mile wide, one of which wiped out everything down to the foundations in half of one moderate sized town a couple of hundred miles northwest of where I live in Minneapolis. Winds up to 200+ mph. It's alarming to see the videos folks take at home showing the window bust outwards, drawing shades and curtains with them followed by pieces of furnishings. A farmer and his wife were both sucked out of their house and thrown an eight of a mile away in one their fields. He didn't make it, but she did. Just as well there was no film of that.


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## moustress

This time of year with long days and short nights is highly energizing, maybe a bit too much so. I get something like SAD in winter, and I have something I call MAD, for midsummer affective disorder, in the month and a half following the summer solstice. I have a hard time falling asleep at a reasonable hour, then have a hard time getting up at the required time. Last night was a good a good example of that. Not able to sleep, I got out of bed at about 2 am and posted the pix I took in the mousery a couple of hours earlier. Figured, if I can't sleep, I might as well be up doing something constructive. MAD peaks just about the time of my birthday, the six weeks in between being the approximate amount of time that the biorhythms responses lag. The first week of September I rarely am able to sleep more than six hours a night without a little 'help'.

My son, James, has been sleeping through the heat of the day, in part to save money on air conditioning He has no trouble sleeping when it's hot and muggy, and being on disability, can set whatever hours for himself that he likes.

We had a brief power failure in the house yesterday, and Nate couldn't figure out how to identify the circuit that got tripped, and called me. I was already on my way home, and I 'fixed' the problem. Even so, with 90 degree F and dew point well past tropical, it got up to 78F in the mousery, and stayed that way until well after mousework was done around midnight. Any warmer and the meeces would have gotten a vacation in some other part of the house where the AC wasn't being overwhelmed.
I'm hoping to get a small portable AC unit installed soon in the mousery itself so I can close the door and just cool that large closet area instead of the whole west end of the attic. I'm going to try putting some mylar back up in the mousery to block the heat from the wall shared with attic crawlspace.


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## moustress

We cleaned the AC unit once more and now it is working just fine. It's been oppressively humid for almost a week now. I'm glad to no longer be living on the Eastern Seaboard where the humidity is constant, and the temps have been peaking above 100 Degrees F. I'm making it a point to clean and refill the birdbath each night as the wind and heat have been drying it and also blowing crud into it and turning it grey brown. With the hear the lilies are nearly finished, but, oh, they were splendid while they lasted. the day lilies started later, and are also doing great.

I tried an off brand of aspen litter for the mousery, and found it had way too much dust and small particles in it, so it ended up being used for mulch in the flower garden. It's very attractive, and the annuals seem to love it. Another of my neighbors's perennials has shown up in the front plot closest to her double bungalow. I have no idea what it is; it is about 20 inches high, light green leaves with white borders, with flowers (I think) that are mostly white with green edges.


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## moustress

Has it really only been four days since I posted in this thread? Time is so weird; the perception of it is especially weird. There is something about being in the neighborhood of discord and the consequences of discord that seems to cause time to dilate and give wide, wide berth to marginal but palpable discomfort. What will be missed, both the up and the down sides of it...it's just sad, that's all...I find myself resolving to try to be both smarter and more diplomatic, and try to bring out the best in others that I have discourse with. 

I am weighing the options with regard to the tri phenomenon. There are two different ways to look at the process, one involves discussion of transgenic phenomenon, which I have a little knowledge about, and the other looks at the tri phenomenon as a separate locus. Transgenetic or epistatic; which is it gonna be? I suppose it could be both. In either case I feel for certain that the 'splashed' genes or 'genie' or tricolor do not operate in a simple Mendelian fashion, but are subordinate to the recessives in the C locus. And since this is my personal musing, I feel that argument in this thread will not occur. I like to share my thoughts so that maybe other like minded folk might have helpful input. I suspect most of the members of this forum don't care one way or the other how these things work.

Nate and I had an adventure last night driving out into the sticks north of the Twin Cities in search of a club called the Mystic where Nate wanted to 'network' with a band leader he met through Craigslist. We found ourselves a bit lost after encountering a detour. We stopped three times at little clubs to ask directions. the third time I sent Nate to inquire of the patrons, and he returned saying there was a guy who was going to get in his car and lead us there. Great.

He spent a couple of minutes just sitting in his car at the exit to the road, and then he started out, and right away, I sensed something was not as it should be. He was very uneven is his acceleration to start with, and was weaving quite a bit. then he led us on and on, miles and miles of country roads, with twilight setting in and a thunderstorm approaching from the west. Just when I was about to give up and go home, we arrived at the Mystic, where Nate had offered to buy him a beer for 'helping' us. the guy asked me if I had been driving the car, and laughed over taking such a circuitous route, but, hey, he was drunk and didn't want to get stopped by the cops. The he attached himself to us in the club...words just about fail me...someday, will I laugh about this? The band was absolutely awful, BTW. Just a little icing on the cake.


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## moustress

Wow, it's been two weeks since I nannered on in this thread.

The Forum seems to have changed quite a bit in the last couple of weeks. There's more lighthearted banter and almost no discord. This is good, for the most part. I suspect that some folks have their noses just a tad out of joint over the fallout from 'the situation' that was rectified a couple of weeks ago. I still have mixed feelings about it; I was so used to having my guard up that I kind of miss the tension. It's not a healthy response, I know. I grew up with lots of tension in our home, and when you get used to that, you actually kind of miss it. I'd go as far as to say I was addicted to negativity when I was younger. Having grown up with constant arguing and backbiting, I sort of learned to 'like' or gravitate towards troublesome people. I hope I've grown out of that. It would seem that I have not grown out of being argumentative myself. But, like I've said before, I try to be good.

Last weekend we finally pulled out the old AC in the mousery area and replaced it with a new one. I think the thermostat wasn't working properly. It's nice and cool up there now, relatively speaking. The mousery is being maintained at a temp from 72F to 76F. My order of 10 new Kritter Keepers arrived in two shipments this week, so I have start replacing ones that are cracked or dinged badly enought to need replacing. Saved a bunch over buying in a local store.


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## moustress

If it ain't one thing, it's another. Just as I was stared to fed and water my herd, Nate showed up saying, 'This is an emergency." He showed me his hand, and it was bleeding. He'd tried to unstick a stuck window, and it came down unexpectedly and He cut two of the fingers on his right hand fairly badly. So I did some quick first aid, and seeing it was bleeding freely, decided he should go the the ER. He's a guitarist, and his day job is medical transcription, so it was important that he made sure there was no damage to tendons or nerves. We spent about two and half hours getting him stitched up and all. By the time we got home it was about 1:30 in the morning, and I still had my mousework to do, so I got James to help me in the mousery.

The doctor told him he ought to be able to do at least some work Monday, and should have no problem playing bass with the band this coming weekend.

The cutting of hands must be written in the stars, as both James and I managed to get bit by the dang brackets inside his great big tower case. James is waiting to hear from the store that is trying to figure out why his new motherboard won't take input from the keyboard. We had picked up parts on Thursday, and tore down and rebuilt his 'puter only to find the problem with the keyboard. The next day we went back and got another of the same m'boards, and did it all over again. No joy. The head tech was curious and took a look right then and there, and agreed that we had put everything together right, and he couldn't figure out why it wouldn't work, so we ended up leaving it for service. I'm lending James the money for the upgrades, and budgeted more than he thought it would cost. It's a good thing as things look for now.


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## moustress

The Continuing Saga of James and the Frankenmachine

It turns out that the techies at the computer shop[ were just about as clueless as we were. The problem turned out to be a switch on the old IDE disc drive that got toggled accidentally during the first dismantling and installation of new parts. I had asked James if it might be a dip switch...didn't even know the drive had a switch on it, hee hee! I bet it was one of the older tech that thought of the switch, as it's unheard of for the newer tower 'puters to have that sort of thing in it. Now James can really enjoy the multi-player online game he wrote, and I can enjoy the relative quiet from him no longer whining abiut his machine over-clocking and his graphics card over heating. The new graphics card has it's own fan built into it.

I have to admit I really enjoyed helping him tear down the old one and rebuild it not just once, but twice!

We're under a tornado watch again for the next hour and a half; we've had quite a season for severe storms. It'll rain and that is good since I new have a bunch of new shreds of creeping phlox that need water. Our dear city sent someone today to grind down and remove the stump of our old elm which we had taken down last year after a lightning strike comprised it's already shaky health (it had Dutch elm disease). They did not tell us they were going to do this and I had used the area around the old stump as a place to stick my surplus perennials. The daisies are gone, as are the blanket flowers (galliardia, gaillardia...I don't know...). No big deal there, I have to thin those again this year. They mostly didn't get the creeping phlox, and the stuff that was uprooted is now stuck root end down in the brand new dirt they dumped (good stuff! smelled like they mixed some composted cow manure into it) where the stump used to be. It was an ugly stump; I'm glad it's gone. I'll actually have twice the area covered with the creeping phlox when they come up next spring.

I had started out unearthing phox with a rake, but ended up on my hands and knees, digging with my hands. Now that's my idea of fun!


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## moustress

I know I posted here since July 27, I just cant' figure out where it went...weird. was it something I said? Oh, well, I think I'lll try to examine the insides of my eyelids...it's very early out...*yawn*


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## SarahC

What did you write about,I always read and enjoy your tales.


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## moustress

Sarah, thanks for the kind comment.

I don't remember...they say the mind is the first thing to go...maybe I dreamed that I posted...think,think, think...whatever.

In almost two weeks since the last post I see here, what has happened of note? At my age (I'll be 58 in a few weeks) the time seems to zip by so quickly. Nate is going to work with one of the bands he used to be a regular with. A few months ago they got a new bass player to replace my husband and had gigs with him without so much as a word to Nate. I know it hurt his feelings, and in my eyes it's extremely rude and very unprofessional to treat him like that. He's reliable and very good at what he does. Still, we need the money, so we're not making a flap about it.

Hmmm....I probably wrote about (or 'remember' I wrote) about my trip to Ramsey, a town about 35 miles NW of Minneapolis, to get four hundred pounds of wheat and oats for my meeces. It's kind of depressing; I hadn't been up that way in four or five years, and it's become so developed all along that highway. Used to be farms and fields it seems only ten years ago.The traffic was so bad that I went ten miles out of my way to avoid going back through Anoka (the Halloween Capital of the World, and the town I went to HS in.) which used to be such a classy little town and county seat. I noticed they had clumpable cat litter in 50 pound bags at a very good price, so we may be going back in the near future. the wheat I got is a different variety; the grains are shaped a lot different than the stuff I got in Northfield. The oats have a lot of grit and dust in them but otherwise are okay. No musty smell, and not much corn. They had chicks and ducklings for sale; I had forgotten how dang loud chicks can be. I'd love to have a few chickens, but it's not allowed here in the big city.

The weather has turned muggly again (muggy and ugly hot). Right now it's almost 90F with a dewpoint of 75, which is tropical. I have forbidden the doing of yardwork for the day. It looks like the whole week may be like this. At least we got a good amount of rain overnight. I got up around 2 am to stand on the porch and smell the rain and ozone and watch the lightning; the temp was still at about 84 degrees. It felt like I was in the jungle. I was out last evening for about 15 minues, just long enough to feed my rose bush and water the potted petunias and do a little deadheading. It made me appreciate even more the wonder of AC.

I'm reading Brian Jacques 'Castaways of the Flying Dutchman', and have 'Angel's Command' as well. I'd think I was going through my second childhood if I weren't so certain I hadn't finished off my first. To quote one of Nate's better loved songs, "When I grow up I want to be preposterous!" Some would no doubt say that I achieved that goal decades ago...


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## moustress

Another wacka-wacka week draws close to an end. It has been just plain tropical the whole week, with storms bringing flooding rains, and tornadoes, or straight line winds knocking down big trees like they were dominoes. We have only seen the heavy rain here; I got up at three-thirty in the morning night before last after being awakened by thunder loud enough to penetrate through the earplugs I wear every night.( Funny thing about those earplugs, I started wearing them because my ex snored like a freight train, and now I can't sleep without them. The blessed silence is so soothing....just the sound of my breathing and my heartbeat.) No rain, but I watched a spectacular electrical display off to the north and west.

We've had urban flooding in lower neighborhoods; makes me glad we live near the top of a rise; when platted a hundred something years ago our neighborhood was called Cedar Heights. Our little double bungalow is built into the side of a hill, and we have a double garage on the basement level under the rear of the house. It's so nice to get into a car that is neither too hot, too cold, and isn't exposed to ice and snow. I parked out front of the house on Tuesday, and when I went out to the car on Wednesday, my glasses were cool from AC, and it was humid enough that my glasses steamed up with condensation.

How long will the unusual weather go on before those who don't believe in global warming clue up? The warming doesn't just melt ice, and the melted water doesn't stay in the sea and in the ground. There's flooding in freakin' Iowa, which is right in the middle of the American Heartland. I've been a long time phenomenologist, and I have never before these past ten years seen such huge weather systems over the US, some of them look like humongous land-based hurricanes, and others just spin out lines of storms in what seem like random directions; complexes of fronts that are completely different from anything we've seen in the history of weather records.

Our water heater picked a decent week to break down as no one was especially hankering for a long hot soak in the tub. Our local gas provider's service program cost about $25.00 a month, and we've definitely gotten out monies worth out of it. And quick! Unbelievably quick! They had a service tech knocking at out front door less than an hour after I called, and the parts for the repair were delivered a couple hours later. They were out at our door to do the work the next day at 8am sharp and were finished way before I crawled out of the sack at the crack of noon. We had a repair on our furnace over the past winter, too. We're spending way too much on AC this summer, but it's way cheaper than going to a motel in order to sleep comfortably. I'm giving serious thought to updating the whole furnace system to new central heating/AC, probably a heat pump system, as they are incredibly efficient.

And there was the horror of finding that this site was completely down! I was so relieved to find it up again this morning (or whatever passes for morning for this old troglodyte).


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## moustress

It's community service week!! And we didn't do anything naughty!

Today I sought out a local nonprofit that gives away organic produce and baked goods. They are called Sisters Camelot, and they ride an old city bus that has been painted from bumper to bumper with bright designs showing the different communities and peoples in the communities. Unlike food shelves, which require registration, proof of income, and appointments, these guys just let folks take what they want without question. Last week was the first time I ever managed to get stuff; a great big banana box that I filled with a huge loaf of bread, bell peppers, spinach, tomatoes, and on and on.

I decided we need the help, and I went to their warehouse this morning at 11 am. they go first to the merchants that contribute cases of stuff, and then to the give-away spots that are semi-regular. I didn't nkow wuite how it worked, and decided to go with them on the bus, and helped load the contributions from a organic foods distributor about 15 mi. north of the city. The three of us got first pick at the goodies, which included a wide array of 'artisan' loaves and rolls, mushrooms, oranges, and hot salsa. A nice little adventure. Plus, the guy who is helping set them up to fuel the bus on fryer oil from restaurants was working the bus, and I learned how the oil is cleaned and used in the bus. They claim they;ll only need two tankfuls of diesel during the year. The diesel fuel is used to heat the cleaned oil so that it can be burned by the engine. I was surprised to learn that, other than the heater for the used oil, the bus will requitre no modification to burn the stuff!

This Saturday Nate and I are are going on a road trip to New York Mills, Minnesota, which is about 225 NW of the city. Some of the merchants in that town are holding a festival/benefit to help their neighboring town of Wadena, which was nearly flattened in toto by an F4 tornado last month. The twister was a third of a mile wide on the ground as it ripped though Wadena. One of the local merchants runs a bed and breakfast out of a restored Victorian era house and several turn of the century rail cars, also restored. The band Nate works for, Cannonball Paul and the Gandy Dancers, a variety band that does songs about the railroad, will be performing on Sunday afternoon, with Saturday nights accommodation as inducement, as they're playing for free. Nate and I will have a whole train car for our enjoyment.

Cannonball Paul is only that bandleaders latest incarnation. He also works as Johnny Pineapple (and His Waikiki Wildcats), an all Hawaiian show including hula dancer. Nate's been with him for about 25 years as Johnny reinvents the band. Spiff Cook and the Jets, Jim Dandy and His Dandy Band, and I think there was one other whose name escapes me just now.

I think it's going to be a lot of fun!


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## moustress

It's been awhile since I logged a general update in this thread. Work on my worktable and surrounding space has been slow but I have my cordless drill/screwdriver all charged up and ready to go. I've been sorting and repacking some stuff to take less room so I can also set up some shelving and a desk for my desktop computer. I also need a corner space for a little photo studio for taking pix of the widely assorted stuff I plan to sell online.

We are entering my favorite time of year as the months of September and October approach. The weather begin to moderate and the trees begin their change. It's been such a hot, humid summer that some of Mother Nature's cooling will be very welcome indeed. Especially as we try to catch up on all the yard chores that got cancelled due to temps that were extreme enough as to cause me to veto any strenuous outdoor activities on several recent weekends.the days are shortening enough that there's very little day left after Nate finishes his workday at 7 pm.

Nate's got several musical gigs in the month of September, and we hope the trend can continue. Other than that, there's very little of any consequence to natter about. My garden is glorious, my meeces are sleek and shiny, and all's right that can be.


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## moustress

What a mixed surprise it was to see someone I thought banned (I never knew a site that did that as a temporary thing) was back in the Forum. Let's hope there are no repeats of earlier behavior. It doesn't bring out the best in me, and I hate when that happens. Like I always say, I try to be good, but I'm not perfect.

Just know that I am not one to intimidated or quieted by the sort of things that have happened in past months. I'm afraid this forum is to have a permanent defender of people's rights to do as they wish with their meeces or whatever other unlikely critters they keep, within the bounds of humaneness.


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## moustress

Another crazy weekend; Nate had a gig up north again, this time in Walker on Leech Lake. That's about 75 mi. farther from home than the place he played the gig and we stayed in a restored passenger rail car. We left a bit earlier than planned in order to do the bulk of driving in daylight, as rain was predicted and I don't like driving through rain at night. with road construction and traffic it took an hour and forty minutes to get the first sixty miles behind us. James (my son) called us to ask if we had meant to leave a bag on my chair in the living room. He thought it was my 'purse', the huge denim reticule in which I haul things that are necessary (really! honest! I need all that stuff!) to getting me through the day. It turned out to be the bag in which all our toiletries and pills were packed. After a minute or two of tooth grinding and growling we turned around and booked it back home (only took fifty minutes to cover the same miles) grabbed the bag, and set out again.

We arrived at our motel in Walker at around 12:30 am, which is late for Nate, but around my usual time for tucking in with a book for a hour or so. Nate and the rest of Johnny Pineapple and His Waikiki Wildcats were in a parade as part of the Multi-Ethnic celebrations held over the weekend. Johnny tried to tell Nate that we should get up at 7:45 am and meet him for breakfast. "I said Hah! In what alternate reality to I have to get up that early when I'm not even on the payroll?!" I got up briefly to partake of the free breakfast bar and went back to sleep for a couple of hours. 7:45 am is the freakin' middle of the freakin' night for me! And I wouldn't have gotten out of bed at all that early if Nate hadn't come back to the room and told me they had a cook-you-own Belgian waffle set up down in the lobby/coffeeshop. (I really shouldn't have gotten up as the waffles were only marginally edible.)

After a nice morning's nap I got up around 11 and packed up and headed out to downtown Walker (all six blocks of it!) to find their stage where they were going to play at noon. The show was enjoyable; I'd heard the band play before, but never in a venue where Makamai was dancing. she is very, very good at the hula (and, I suspect, many other styles of dance) dancing with every other song with wardrobe changes each time. She even had folks up on the dance floor with her to learn the hula. The little girls (and the older ladies) who got up were so adorable, and Makamai obviously is a good teacher.


The star of the show- The Incomparable Makamai


The Band


The whole shebang


Standing room only!


Audience participation


Johnny Pineapple with ukelele and Nate with bass face.


Another dance, another costume change


Makamai again


She's the real thing!


Almost too much fun!

Makamai is very obviously a real pro. She danced every style of Hawaiian dance with appropriate props, and was very impressive to see.

We packed up and headed out to do some sightseeing, heading over to Itasca State Park, where we hiked the short distance from the Visitor's Center to the Headwaters of the Mississippi at Lake Itasca, and also to the biggest white pine in the park, a 300 year old beauty, and then drove the wilderness trail road through many miles of lovely forest. It was Nate's first time to that park, and we both enjoyed it immensely.

Our trip back home was blessedly uneventful. I still feel like I spent a whole day driving, which isn't far from the truth. While I love to drive it was somewhat tiring but worth every single minute! Compared to my traveling around the US in my 20's it was about the same amount of mileage per 24 hours and much more fun.


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## moustress

It's been awhile since I posted in this thread; it seems like it's been very busy the last couple of weeks. Now that we've refinanced our duplex, I got the new chrome wire shelving for the mousery, and have been putting together one unit each night. This weekend I plan to move cages and old shelving units out and new ones in, after I tear out the rest of the carpet (a really dumb thing to have in a mousery), put in new wall board and flashing, and trim a piece of linoleum to cover the floor with.

The weather has been weird enough to have made the national news. We had an incredible amount of rain in the last few days, and rivers an streams are causing serious flooding throughout most of southern Minnesota. Again, people need to remember that when the ocean warms and icecaps melt, the energy of that warming and the water that has melted isn't going to remain in the oceans. It's going to change weather patterns and cause more and more intense storm systems of all kinds, higher winds, heavier precipitation, extreme temperatures, and being in the middle of a huge continent is not going to spare us here in the Upper Midwest.

I finally got my worktable set-up in the basement, with much annoyance over inadequate instructions. I had to take apart stuff I had put together three different times before I got it all finished. Except for the problems with the instructions, I believe it was a good deal. Yesterday I tackled the broken window and managed to get the broken half out, but not without damaging the sash. I thought getting the screws out would be the most difficult part of the removal, and it was easier than I expected. I guessed that the last person to paint had used latex (not right in a bathroom-should be enamel) and used isopropyl alcohol to 
soften the paint in order to get the screw in the sash out. then I found out that some idiot had put nails in the saash, so I ended up breaking the sash as I pried out the nails. Should be no big expense to replace it, it's just annoying after my 'triumph' over the painted on hardware. Now I'm looking at the sad state of the window half I took out and wondering if it's even worth the effort to re-glaze it...it's in pretty bad shape.

This weekend I'm going to check all the door hardware and tighten hinges, handles, etc. Big whoop, eh?


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## moustress

Thud. Fall has fell. Up in northern Minnesota they have had a bunch of hard freezes. We have squeaked by here in Minneapolis with lows of 38 to 39F. I took in my amaryllis; it has grown HUGE! And now it gets a nice 2 month nap. I'm giving my gardens another week, at least, before I tear it apart, thin the perennials, put in a bunch of new spring flowering bulbs. My chrysanthemums are still going strong; one color is just starting to bloom. We worked this weekend on preventing the forest from overtaking our property. Dang those black walnut trees; double dang those squirrels!

I got my birdfeeder installed at last. Mostly it's been sparrows, with a few nuthatches and chickadees. I saw one huge bluejay yesterday. Pretty bird with an obnoxious call. I'm looking for the local cardinals to show up.

We cooked out yesterday afternoon. Roast corn on the cob, bratwurst, potato salad. It was coolish, but it was a pleasure to sit in the sun minus the mosquitoes. Sometime next weekend Im going to smoke a turkey.

I'm working in small steps towards the remodeling of my mousery.


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## SarahC

moustress said:


> I'm working in small steps towards the remodeling of my mousery.


Me to.You've painted a great picture.I wanted to be eating out and I want some smokey turkey.


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## shadowmouse

Do you have any pictures of your mousery here on the forum? I'd love to see it.


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## moustress

I'm not sure....it's a real mess right now while I try to find places for everything so I can do the remodeling. I have a huge population of meeces. I'm sure some would look askance at the ratio of mousies to tanks, but that's one of the difference between breeders and pet owners. I don't routinely cull young meeces, and don't cull babies at all. So when I have 6 litters in a week or two, the numbers swell considerably. My culling comes at around 3 or 4 months after I have a chance to observe behavior and take note of markings.

I plan to take pix as the work progresses. I have assembled wire shelving units waiting, and materials at hand. Now I need to get me a gross of round-to-its. And then it'll look a lot like it does now, with different shelving: floor to ceiling shelves full of tanks, tanks, tanks.

Let me take a moment to take a deep breath and thank Goddess for blessing me with ultra-quick reflexes. A car darted out from a side street and appeared in front of me as if out of nowhere after failing to yield for a stop sign. Don't need that extra cup of coffee now. Stopped short of collision by a foot or less, then had to pull over for a few minutes and just breathe. The jerk didn't even slow down much less stop to see if I was OK. Wish I cold have gotten the license plate number.

We are having Indian Summer for the next few days. We haven't really had a hard frost here in the center of the city, but all outlying areas have had them, and the temps are going to be around 80F the next few days. We've had dry weather the last week and a half so the fall colors are extra fine. And I get to drive around in it everyday. I love my job!


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## shadowmouse

Did you say it's suppose to be in the 80s?? I didn't know that. I have the heater pumping right now. I guess I need to get off the puter and poke my head out the door once in awhile.

You know Moustress... I am a former farm girl (meaning multi-talented/hard working), jobless and wanting to learn about mouseries.  If you ever need help with your mousery remodel you can always ask. I might exchange a days work for a mouse or 2. :mrgreen:


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## moustress

That's an interesting offer. I grew up in farm country too, my FOO weren't farmers, really, we just kept chickens, duck, a pig now and then. Early in my life, almost all our food came from a large veggie garden, relative's farms, and our backyard animals. It was hard work, and I was put to work very early, like 5 years old.

I've got my husband and my son to help me with the mousery, but neither of them are good with tools, just grunt stuff. The most work will be moving all the tanks out so I can do the walls and baseboards. I can't stand another winter of wild mice trying to move in with my girls; yuck!

I'kk give serious consideration to your offer. You would be only the second mousie person to see my mousery. The last was in 2000, and she waqs actually keeping ratties at that point instead of meeces after her husband developed an allergy to them.

Last night I put casters on one of the big shelving units; it rolls nice and smooth! I'm very pleased with it.


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## shadowmouse

LOL. I didn't grow up in the country, but we lived on the edge of it and I boarded my horse out in the country. I was always out on farms here and there working off my board. When I was a teen we finally moved to the country. I'm not a big person, but I still did a lot of hard work. I'm not particularly skilled with tools, but I'm patient and determined.  I get things done one way or another. I also worked at a farm store, so I can lift stuff if I need to.


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## moustress

'Oh, frabjous day! Calloo callay!' (apologies to L.C. for paraphrasing and mispelling, most likely)

The front yard is a little slice of heaven today with temps in the 70's and partly cloudy skies. We get another week of beautiful weather, it looks like, with temps in the high 60's daytimes, and 40 or 50F at night. My clematis is starting to bloom again and my third color of mums will get a chance to bloom, after it looked like the end was near last weekend.

Pix of garden right now:











My rose bush is a source of wonder to me. It produces huge clumps of fragrant (like apple) blossoms with up to 20 blooms and buds on the end of one spray. This is first rose I've had that survived a winter and flourished. It has whips up to eight feet long, and is going to need some better support next spring. Now I understand why folks build arbors for this kind of thing.


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## moustress

It's number One Son's 26th birthday today, so we started celebrating yesterday with home made smoked BBQ pork ribs and roasted corn on the cob. We had been taking him out in the last few years for BBQ at a favorite restaurant, but I promised him I could do better right here in our backyard. He wisely choose only to have one of the full racks of HUGE pork ribs last night, leaving the second to marinate and be frozen in hopes of another day nice enough to cook outdoors. James actually did the work (except for turning and stating when they were done) arranging on the grill, basting and plating for the table. He's quite a good cook all on his own most of the time. Today, on his actual official birthday, we are going to make two cakes, with him fixing the cake batter from scratch and me doing two different kinds of frosting. We have a lot of fun cooking together.

Other stuff going on: 1) I love this Forum; 2) I love the people on this Forum 99% of the time; 3) I have presumptions about some of the things I do in my mousery, theories, or opinions about things that differ with some other member's ideas; 4) One tries to play the duck and let it run off my back, but the beak doesn't fit well, and I get sore and peckish, 5) One tries to remain polite and positive in certain exchanges in certain threads, it's damn hard sometimes.

Sometimes I feel a little like one of my husbands's songs, entitled,"Nibbled to Death by Mice"


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## moustress

There are some things that one does not want to see, especially when it's unexpected. That's all on that subject.

We are still celebrating James' birthday; last night we finally made the cake. James whipped up the cake batter and I whomped up a big batch of buttercream frosting. He thought he wanted a white cake, until I told him he'd have to separate eggs, which he is not accustomed to having to do. I told him I almost certainly did not make many white cakes myself, since I don't like to waste food. So he did the New Yellow Cake, with butter subbed for shortening, meaning it was somewhat short and very dense and moist, sort of like pound cake. Buttercream frosting is too easy, except for the stirring. I need a handheld blender; i managed last night, as I had taken out the butter to soften hours earlier. The cake was subliminally decorated. I wrote James 26 in frosting swirls. Today/night we repeat the feast of ribs and corn, this time with Famous Dave's Hot and Spicy sauce, a new bag of charcoal, and a better idea how to set the vents on the grill for slow cooking, as the ribds are not going to thaw completely and I won't ruin them by thawing in the nuker.

We are having typical September weather in October, meaning that it has been coolish and sunny, which is actually quite tolerable. My amaryllis is safely stowed in the darkest corner of the basement, and I STILL have over 150 bulbs to stick in the ground. Squirrels ate my crocus bulbs so quickly after my planting last week, so I got landscaping staples and am going to cover the newly planted bulbs over with use landscaping fabric, chicken wire, and hot chili pepper to try to keep those nasty tree rats from getting to the new ones.

As far as the little flap of this week, I guess I did overreact, and shoudl have relied on the mods to handle things. Sometimes I'm a bit of a wombat, and the rule of thumb is Do Not Bug The Wombats, Because They Bug Back.

And besides, I don't bite.

Well, not often....or very hard....usually.

Oh, and I have new pix to post. Outta here.


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## moustress

I have planted about 100 bulbs and corms today so far, in perfect planting weather, and it feels good to get my hands into the soil. It has been misting lightly with occasional spates of gentle light rain. I've running out in the mist and flinging iris, crocus, mums, and tulips into earth that has already been loosened. and spiked with assorted stuff to encourage multipication , sprouting, and blooming. I still have about 20 or 30 crocus bulbs and about 40 tulips bulbs to place. Oh, right, then there's bronze crocus (Vanderburg, or something like that) that i bought at a premium, as I love to see yellow crocus, there's something so light and bright about them, and the regular naturalizing crocus' don't seem to do well around here.

Next year I plan to indulge in more showy daffodils and a few more of the large, Japanese style iris. I'm doing my usual and staging each little patch to bloom in succession with crocus, tulip, and after that either iris or mums. Nest spring I;'m going to get rid of the rest of the wildflower seed I have on the patch where the old elm used to be. I might put some down in the next day or two, just to see how they winter over. It would so be nice to see bachelor's buttons blooming in may.

And, of course MaoTseDong is my strength, oh sorry, meant mousie dung.The Mousie Peoples' Mulch. The plants grow crazy over it and under it.

Couldn't get into sitting around and web surfing and watching TV all night. I fixed a kitchen drawer and then fixed a table. while I was in the basement my son and I had some fun going through some stuff from earlier in his life. Old Nintendo hames, Matchbox cars, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtlesd stuff, etc. etc. And I got my gun out and cleaned it; it's an antique single shot rifle that my father had before he married my mom. Hadn't been out in a bit...it really needed a good oiling and rubbing. I need to get a gun cleaning kit.. I thought I still had one, but I must have given it to a friend who collects guns. Still have my camo paint, though.


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## moustress

I have purchased the materials for building sawhorses. It was 1/3 the price of buying pre-made ones that are part plastic; those just didn't look right to me. And once you break it, it probably is not repairable. The hardware came from one department, the nails from a second, and the lumber from a third. The nice man I caught next to the saws cut them to the right length for no extra charge. I am fond of nice men with working power tools who also happen to work at the place I get my hardware 'n stuff.

Now I am in the process of relearning how to drive an eight penny common nail into a two-by-four in a predictable manner; setting the nail straight is essential. Swinging a nice big claw hammer and putting that nail in it's place is something, that, once learned, is never lost, sort of like riding a bicycle. I can only stand to do two or three nails a day, so it'll take a week or more unless the spouse really does know how to do this as well as he has claimed. I've seen him with sledge hammer; he swinged like a girl. Gotta get the momentum going or it'll take forty or fifty whacks to get 'er done.

I found a nice piece of two-by-four in the alley last Sunday that's almost exactly the same length as a piece I salvaged from somewhere else at some other time. You never know when you might need some wood; I also found a couple of nice pieces of dressed marble I used to level the composters in their winter location. I wanted to get some faux brick paving sections, but the spouse was not keen on the idea of hauling them away to our back yard. I haven't given up on the idea...we'll just have to see how I work it.

Today James and I showed up on time to ride The Sisters Camelot bus again this morning. I rarely leave the house before 11:00am, but I came back with about $60. of meat, dairy, veggies, fruits, and fresh greens including herbs, and some organically raised and salted ham, uncooked, and uncured. the nicest things were the pie pumpkins and the half and half which we will turn into custard by adding some eggs to the scooped out insides (after a partial cooking) and returning to the oven for a bake right in the pumpkin shell. We might make a pie as well. the mousies will get seeds and seed slime. They are so funny when I give them a glob of those to work on. Some ignore it; others go nuts.

The folks that show up for the ride out to the wholesalers are much different than the ones who are the core of the organization. The guy who seems to be in charge looks like a refugee from 190? post Bolshivik Russia, is very stern, and authoritative. I suspect he is older than he looks. His attire was worse than you see on an average homeless person. I suspect he trying to invoke or curry favor/ and/or blessings with someone for something, but I can't figure out who or what those might be. I have enjoyed some conversation with some of the others, but the boss hardly says a word.

I also picked up a nice big box of stuff for a friend and her son, both of whom are retired/disabled. We dropped the stuff off before heading home to sort out our booty.

That's all for now; time to go play with the mousies!


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## moustress

Cold weather loosens some things and tightens others. Locks stick; windows loosen. Wheels roll more freely, unless they are the kind that require grease. It's starting to get chilly outside, but I still predict 70F Thanksgiving weather. If I owned a working gun I'd be out now looking for bird for the table. If I were a scofflaw I'd just reach out and touch dinner as the Canadian geese are migrating and settling where ever there is nicely mowed grass, decorating the place with festive globs in black and white. Those confounded thing are the size of a medium size dog! And they traveling in combinations of family groups, usually forty or fifty at least. The warm November has meant that the birds are taking their time heading south.

I can hardly wait for cold weather, as then I won't have to worry so much about the outsides of the property. This winter is going to be another warmish one like the two or three before, with freezing and melting more than lots of snow. I wish it wold just get nice and cold and stay that way, but we don't get wishes for weather; just guesses for grabs


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## moustress

Two of the last three posts in this thread started with 'I'. I resolve to less 'I, I, Me, Me, Mine'. so, on that note, someone's arms hurt today after flying around doing things and stuff while the energy lasted.

Remember, life is just one d___ thing after another, and be thankful for time, which keeps it all from happening at the same instant. Couldn't sleep last night, the head was far too full of stuff. Weird dreamlike things while hovering at the edge of slumber.

Must swing hammer, drive nails, batten down all the hatches. If the wind holds up we'll have to furl sails and drop the sea anchor. Oops, that was another life! Sorry! Things blur when you lack adequate sleep.

I think I'm under the influence of the book I'm reading, 'Jonathan Strange and Mr. Norrell'. It's a heavy hardback suitable for hand to hand combat; a fantasy/alternate history that is about 900 pages long. The person who gave it to me said I would either love it or hate it. I find that I both love it and hate it. It's too heavy to take with me wherever I go, ponderous in form and content, interesting and frustrating...a lot of book, it is, indeed!

Today I try to practice the arts of indolence and sloth.


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## moustress

Ah, the first deep snow of the year; Nate moved the car to escape getting toad when the snowplows come around, and dropped his keys somewhere on the way back to the house. Good thing we put the spare key to the lock on his upstairs office in a safe place where he couldn't find, but I could. It's a new measure required to ensure confidentiality of the medical records he transcribes.

The local ski freaks are having a good year, as are all the little kids and parents of little kids. One of the more poignant aspects of seeing little children grow up is finding new enjoyment in the things you used to do as a child as you see your kids discover them.

Nate played with Johnny Pineapple and His Waikiki Wildcats in Rochester, MN, for a grow of Mayo clink docs who were having a Hawaiian themed evening of celebration. tbhe snow prevented Makamai, the dancer, from appearing, but the evening went well anyway. It was a slow and tense trip back to Minneapolis as it was snowing quite heavily all night. Nate and the drummer passed right through the zone where the snow totaled about a foot.

We've got all the hatches battened as winter bears down on us. We've pledged to wear sweaters and keep the heat dialled down to save money and the environment. People were driving like they'd never seen snow before when I was out and about yesterday. By sundown they were getting it and driving like true Minnesotans, which is to say, at a snails pace and very politely letting folks make lane changes and turns with a reasonable margin of distance in order to prevent too-close encounters of the automotive kind. It's a good thing to see.


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## moustress

Well, last week's snow no longer seem so bad. We have a couple of freakin' feet of white stuff and high winds. The city buses are not running which is a little weird; what really speaks of how serious the weather is that the snowplows are not going out either. The city called a snow emergency which requires that folks move there cars off the street in concert with every one else, i.e. everyone allowed to park on odd sides while even sides are plowed, and so forth. A whole lot of shoveling going on, as no one wants to get Toad to the impound lot and have to spend all the money you need for bills paying for the ticket and the towing.

We haven't had a storm like this since 1990 on Halloween. It was in the seventies at around 6 pm, and by 8:30 pm it was in the low 30F's and snowing. It snowed for two and a half days, totaling around 26 inches. We went to the store and stocked up last night on bread and milk, and so forth. I just hope the roads are clear enough on Monday for me to get to work. It would be nice if the car we park outside will start when it needs to be moved again for another bit of plowing. And it gonna get really, really really cold. Like -20F with wind chills of -45F to -50F.

I spent some time today doing a little supplemental steps to insulate a bit better around power outlets and stuff like that. Gotta go down and get an extra blanket for Nate and I, and offer one to James as well. Brrr!


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## moustress

We stated having water drip through our kitchen ceiling due to ice damming. I was able to get someone to come the next morning to remove the snow from the top of the roof, and they'll be back Tuesday to melt the ice and check for roof damage and water damage inside the house. I'm hoping that we don't have much interior damage, as that would be just about disastrous.

Nate drove a couple hundred miles with a jazz pianoist who hired him for a gig; at least Nate shared the ride in the others car, which saved a lot on expense. Hopefully the guy will hire him for some other stuff down the line. He has two gigs later this week this week as well.


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## moustress

Well, I managed to keep this thread free of hair tearing and whining; good for me!

Snow, snow, snow. More snow. (enough already!) But, gee isn't it pretty; gee isn't it just like a freakin' postcard. Phhththbbbt!!

Christmas Ever , and I'm taking a break from decorating the tree with James. We got the lights on, and Nate will join us in a while to put up my handmade ornaments (styrofoam balls completely covered in sequins in all different designs) that I put together before my arthritis got too bad to do that sort of stuff.

A word to some of the younger members (I'm pushing 60, so that may include most of you) about the spirit of Christmas:

I am trying to keep a positive attitude, but sometimes it's just hard. If your parents have done or said things that really hurt you at some point or points in your life, forgive them and don't withhold yourself from them during the holidays. My daughter doesn't even call me on special days anymore. She didn't give me her address or phone number so I could call her or drop a line. I truly hope she is having a good Christmas, but I suspect her choices are harder on her than they are on me. I know that my sorrow has it's roots in love. I truly forgive her actions and the hard things she's said to me. She is my little girl; to me she is the jewel in the crown of creation, and nothing could ever change that. I behaved in a similar fashion when I was in my twenties, and I know it hurt my mom; sometimes the choices we make are compelled by experience and seem inevitable. So I look at her picture and try to understand where she's at, and send her my love.

If you are faced with feeling like you can't be with your parents this Christmas, stop and think if it's worth the difficulty you cause your parents and yourself down the line. Forgive them and forgive yourself.

That's what the gift of this season should be about.

Peace and joy to you and yours!


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## moustress

My Christmas tree; all the ornaments except the candy canes were home made by me.


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## moustress

Oof. I pulled out all the stops on my baking this year. And I successfully produced a nice big batch of divinity! My Christmas turkey was perfect, as were the smashed taters and gravy....and I made two different kinds of pie and cheesecake. We didn't fool around with a lot of different side dishes, just a bit of roasted yam and some cranberry sauce. I'm allowing five pounds weight gain up through New Year's Eve. Then it's back to my austere new diet of mostly rice and beans.

We have snow piked up to our eyebrows, but that won't last. The next couple of days will see temps well above freezing and precipitation of almost every kind imaginable as temps rise and fall. it's going to be a complete mess, and I'm glad I only have a couple of quick errands to do close to home. It's going to be annoying at best, dangerous at worst, and good excuse for denning up at home wishing we were able to hibernate until late March. *zzzzzz*


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## moustress

The winter doldrums have set in, and moustress wants to hibernate until about, say, March or April. I would sleep all day, at least, if I could. The allure of a nice warm bed, calling me back after I first get up, wins hands down when I have no appointments early in the day. I love the feeling of lying in bed, dozing in and out of short dreams, finally waking to crave the coffee I can smell on the warmer.

I encountered the Sisters Camelot bus day before yesterday, and got a huge box full of food, mostly veggies, but including some incredibly good cottage cheese and some dumpling squash. Bok choy, broccoli, mushrooms, green beans, carrots, brussels sprouts and cauliflower, avocados, tofu, bananas, sweet potatoes... some of these went into a stir fry for tonight's dinner. Last night I had one of the small squash, baked and reheated with chopped jalapeno relish, cottage cheese, and a little sharp cheddar. the seeds are toasting for the meeces as I write.

I've been pretty good about my resolve to avoid eating any beef and pork. We had tiny steaks for New Year's Eve dinner, as I believe doing everything in moderation. I managed to eat an outrageous amount of baked goods over the holidays, gained a couple of pounds, and lost it again in a week.


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## JayneAlison

I've just sat and read this thread all the way through and I've really enjoyed it. I feel like I know you and your family (human and mouse) just a little bit now


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## moustress

Thanks you so much! I bet you are one of a handful who have read all of this, and I do appreciate getting comments. I love to write, and this thread and the 'mousey ramblings' thread give me plenty of space to do that.

I'm pleased that you enjoyed it!


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## moustress

It's very, very cold around these parts....meh, it's winter. We're conserving heat and spending less than we did last winter, when it was considerably warmer. Trying to save on the bills as well. Nate's hours have been cut back enough that he qualifies for unemployment compensation. He's applying to hospitals and other agencies to find more medical transcription work, and has a couple of good prospects. He's going to be playing with a new band, which we went to hear Saturday night. they are a typical cover band; good enough with moments of brilliance. They will sounds better with Nate playing bass. Their current bass player is lazy and too laid back. The jobs might be up to two hours drive but the band car pools in a big van, so that will be a plus. Sounds like he'll get three or four nights of work per month, at least.

Our partial conversion to vegedairian is going quite well. I'll be into Phase Two when the last can of beans is gone and I start soaking and cooking my own. This will be even cheaper, and will allow me to reduce the amount of salt and sugar in the beans, and give me a chance to fool around with seasonings. I've perfected my chili relish so that it brings a bit of moistness to the eye without making one choke and gasp. Fresh jalapenos and a just a little bit of fresh serranos, with lemon juice to preserve color and flavor and to stir up the heat and make it work real hard. I could have used vinegar, and I probably use wine vinegar at some point as it accomplished the same things. I just haven't gone to the store where I'd buy that sort of thing. I need to visit our local hippy co-op and check out their selection and prices on dried beans in bulk.

The Christmas tree still stands; just can't seem to get around to taking it down.

i stuck my neck out in a post tonight....trying to be somewhat conciliatory, a little...or something like that. The thing is, I actually kind of like folks that are a bit difficult, and I think my post reflects that very well indeed.


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## moustress

Enough winter already! I've never seen potholes so bad as we have this year! I ruined a wheel and a tire in one a week and a half ago. Grrr! And our alley is so icy that I have to in the the uphill end and leave by the downhill end.

The old ball and chain is generally working one night per weekend playing with a rock band, and I usually spend an extra hour or so enjoying my meeces and catching up on general cleaning beyond what I do each night. It's very pleasant in the West Room now, as I forced a big pot of tulips and have an amaryllis both blooming in there. there's os much snow that it won't matter much that I didn't mulch my flower beds better than I did.

We might get another foot of snow in a few days. *aaauuugh*


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## geordiesmice

I was born in the 60s Moustress, what is a Hippy store and what does it sell?is it like a health food shop.


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## moustress

geordiesmice:

A hippy store is a pace where hippies and other countercultural folk go to get organically raised foods, local manufactured natural clothing, organic personal products, herbs both for cooking and for medicinal purposes. Back in the sixties, these stores were just getting organized in the cities, but co-ops in general started to give farmers of corn, wheat and oats more leverage in selling their grain by building grain elevators and depots; it also bought farm and feed supplies in quantity so farmers could save money.

The city co-ops also provided a place for disseminating information on alternative medicine, social action groups, alternative music, theatre, and other 'New Age' interests and groups. they started out as small, poorly run shops into the stores we have now which are as big a your medium size supermarket and carry just about everything you'd find at a regular store. Folks who volunteer to work for store a certain number of hours a month get a substantial discount, the rest of us just enjoy the availability of all that good stuff.

Nowadays a lot of people buy organic/local so there are actually several large distributors in our fine town, and the prices of the organic products have leveled out so that is not as relatively expensive as it used to be. And now we have thing like a national chain Whole Foods which is not a co-op but a corporation packaging and selling a lot of their merchandise under the company label, as well as all the other stuff.


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## moustress

It's been over a month since I updated this thread.

I've been doing our tax returns; finished tonight with the first runthrough, and plan to check all the calculations this weekend and E-file it. Pheh.

My crocuses are blooming like crazy, with squill and daffodils putting out buds.









Can you tell I'm a gardening freak?

Nate is working full time for the first time in about five months. We are both very relieved to have a regular income coming on his end. He's done some bar band gigs that have been pretty awful with some people who were also pretty awful. He's going on auditions at least once a week, hoping to find something better, and being full time again at his day job should take the pressure off him so he won't have to do those awful jobs with those awful people.

Our annual SF convention occurs in a few weeks, which should be fun. We are aso beginning to brush off our repetoire in practice for our Guest of Honor slot at a convention at a convention in the Chicago area. We may be driving there, and that's OK as we both love road trips. We've been working with our recording setup and I hope Nate will be ready to lay down some finished tracks sometime later this month. It would be nice to have something new to peddle to our friends. (Or our enemies, for that matter.}

We just found out that Nate's mom is going to attend that con in the Chicago area...could be interesting...or something. At the age of 91 she's still a crazy teenager who loves to party.

The potholes have been just awful this year and I've shelled out a couple of hundred dollars replacing ruined rims and tires. Grrr... It's nice out, though.


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## moustress

Chaucer was right; April is the cruelest month. We had a wet gloppy snowfall last night that froze on roadways as it was melting and the temp skidded down past the the freezing point for a few hours. Ick!

It's all melted now, but it's cloudy and chilly and windyj and I don't like it.

My squill are all open now, but the buds have closed up from the cold weather. It looks like all my 200 plus new bulbs planted last fall have done well enough. I planted a lot of mixed tulips all over the place, and a bunch of new crocus bulbs. My crocii are all done except in the parts that get mostly shade and on the strip by the street where the snow was piled four feet deep. That patch still was frozen until about 10 days ago, and the bulbs there are just beginning to grow out of the dirt.

My amaryllis is blooming again; lovely deep red.

Regardless of the weather, we go to the feed mill today to get food for the herd of mousies.


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## moustress

Waking this morning on Easter praising nature and rejoicing that my liver truly redeemeth. We had quite a weekend at the Minicon SF convention. Our group is going gray, but we still manage to make music into the wee hours several night in a row, consume a goodly amount of splendid liquor, and wake ready to do it all over the nest day. The convention is officially over, but the hotel lets us use the hospitality suite Sunday evening as long and as late as we want, then we have a final bit of gathering Monday night. Sundy is called the Dead Dog party, Monday's in the Dead Dodo party.

There was also the conventional activities: sellers, artshow, panel discussions, and so forth. I actually saw the sellers, but had little energy for anything else other than raiding the hospitality suite for edibles and a few excellent conversations.

Neither my hands nor my voice were working well Fri. night, but last night I was in fine form, and am looking forward to the music again tonight.


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## moustress

A few years ago, during the most serious flooding of the Red River of the north in a hundred and fifty years, I saw a news piece with an old man, a dairy farmer, whose dairy cows were stranded on a hillock surrounding by water. He had been able to bring them food for the first few days they were stranded using a wagon and a tractor, but the water became too deep and unsafe.

He was weeping because he couldn't help them.

It doesn't matter whether you consider them pets or stock; care and love are close enough as to be nearly indistinguishable in normal people. Sentiment is something else; so is inhumanity.

I still get teary eyed thinking about that old man and the pain that he suffered.


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## moustress

I miss my little old kitty cat.


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## Autumn2005

moustress said:


> I think I'm under the influence of the book I'm reading, 'Jonathan Strange and Mr. Norrell'. It's a heavy hardback suitable for hand to hand combat; a fantasy/alternate history that is about 900 pages long. The person who gave it to me said I would either love it or hate it. I find that I both love it and hate it. It's too heavy to take with me wherever I go, ponderous in form and content, interesting and frustrating...a lot of book, it is, indeed!


I love that book! The footnotes are the best! But yes, it is a beast... I once read it in three days, and then was walking around cross eyed for the next week!


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## moustress

It was a hard enough read to be the perfect bedtime companion; one chapter at the end of a full day was quite enough.


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## Autumn2005

I read it again a couple years back, and was like HOW ON EARTH DID I READ IT IN THREE DAYS BEFORE?!?!? :lol:

Having read all your posts here, I have to say that you have a very warm tone in your writing. It's quite nice.


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## moustress

I like to write; it's the Irish in me, I think.

Some of my longer posts were done when I'd had a drink or two. I didn't realize that alcohol loosened up the wordsmith in me until I was posting during a vacation a couple of years ago. Gotta be careful posting in the Forum at those times, though, so I don't inflame anyone or offend someone's sensitivity. I'm the sort who's honest to a fault, and that fault can show when I've had a couple (I rarely do more than that, my liver redeemeth-NOT). After three, I get a really mean mouth on me, so I have to be careful.

A couple of years ago I went out to Nate's New Year's Eve gig, and I was feeling a bit down about my daughter having cut me out of her life. I told several members of our party, after asking them if they had kids, including the band members, "Don't ever have kids unless you can stand to have your heart broken." When I asked the rhythm guitartist if he had kids, he said "I have three kids and a couple of grandkids." I gave him an evil smile and said, " Well, ain't that a shame, now."

I apologized a couple of months later, and he just brushed it off. Probably used to drunks after working in bar bands for years.

In any case, I do enjoy writing, and it's good to know you enjoy what I do.

My son's roommate brought me the hardback of THAT book after getting it at a thrift store, and I tried carrying it with me during my work day, but it was too dang heavy for my hands (arthritis). Truly a book suitable for hand to hand combat! It did OK propped up on a couple of pillows, though.


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## moustress

Oh, thoughts wander in the realm of language and reality. for some time now, I've been mulling the problem of how language defines reality. Sometimes the it's a minor and inconsequential thing, like saying 'my bad'. Just a little bit of idiomatic nonsense that really doesn't skew one's views or perception. But there are other words that really entrain whole realms of human discourse.

The most glaring example of this is the word 'race' used when describing interactions between people of different ethnic backgrounds. Can anybody tell me why the word race is wrong? Why it shouldn't be used when referencing human beings? I'm sure that some of you have the background to know where I'm trying to go with this.

By the way, I'm a 'one race', 'one earth' , 'one love' kind of gal.


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## moustress

I'm reading 'Fifty Degrees Below' by Kim Stanley Robinson right now; nearly done actually. It's a sequel to 'Forty Signs of Rain'. Both novels are strongly rooted in known sciences, and goes through a lot of theory of sociobiology as it relates to human interactions. I think Mr. Robinson does a great job of drawing together a lot of info from many different branches of science. the main drama of the novel, outside of the human drama, deals with climate change and it's effect on weather. As you may have noticed earlier, it's a subject that is of great interest to me.

I also got the third of the series,'Sixty Days and Counting'. the author also wrote a series of books on human settlement of Mars, also dealing with many of the same issues in a futuristic manner, while still based in solid science and scientific theories. He's an incredible writer.


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## moustress

It's been a hard week. I didn't stop doing something when it hurt, and have been wracked with consequence as a result. Thank Goddess my husband and son are willing and somewhat capable to help. They were doing the mousework without me there one night, and that was a mistake; found grain and seeds spilled here and there and not cleaned up. I especially don't like it on the cage tops as it only attracts the wildies.

The weather, after finally giving us a couple of days ten degrees above normal has been getting chillier and chillier. It's only going to get to 43F today, and I had to turn the furnace back on this morning. I'm reading 'Sixty Days and Counting' now. So much of I've read in this series could have come off the pages of the daily news. It's both enlightening and scary. I wonder how much of Britain would be under water after a 23 meter rise in sea level? Gotta go look a a topo map; morbid curiousity, I guess.


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## moustress

Weather; some folks think we Minnesotans are obsessed with it. Anyone who has lived here for a couple of years understands our mind-set. Tornadoes are just about the most destructive meteorological phenomenon known to man, and we have been having a record number of them. Yesterday we spent awhile in the basement while a tornado warning was on and our city was strafed by at least one tornado, damaging a neighborhood about seven miles from where we live. We had a bit of hail, and nothing else but some wind and rain off and on for hours, thank Goddess.

There's a news clip playing right now of 20 people huddling in an industrial size freezer at a convenience store, with sounds being recorded of them in the dark with the monster chewing up the store and the whole neighborhood, and folks drying out, '"Jesus, Jesus, Jesus' and telling each other ' I love you. I love you. I love everybody.' Two young men had stopped at the store when they heard a tornado was heading their way, and it was they who herded the other people into the freezer, otherwise they probably would not have made it. Pretty amazing!

Locally we had many trees down, power out, and one person dead, gas leaks, urban flooding in some areas, hail the size of ping pong balls, and a lot of damage to homes in that one neighborhood. Oddly, we were back upstairs when that tornado was doing it's thing, and saw it live on TV! We had been watching on my laptop in the basement and knew that the storm cell had passed off to the northwest of our part of town.

Now, this morning come the reports of a tornado that was a half to three quarters of a kilometer wide grinding a path through Joplin, Missouri. the reports from that city just keep getting worse and worse...I've always been fascinated by weather, now I am transfixed by horror.


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## moustress

Today I was looking for an address in the northern part of Minneapolis, and happened across one of my favorite parks. It was closed because of the tornado damage. All the big trees along one shore of Wirth Lake were uprooted; really really big old trees. Very sad to see. The Eloise Butler Bird and Wildflower Sanctuary was closed' that place is my favorite natural spot in the cities. Many, many trees in that area were uprooted. Then I drove into the neighborhood that was hit. Folks were still looking a bit dazed while watching all the city vehicles, utility vehicles, police vehicles, trees service vehicles try to get the streets cleared and enable folks to get into their homes. Many places were still without power, both electric and natural gas. I saw one man sitting in a lawn chair looking at his house while the chaos ensued around him. Probably waiting on the city inspector to tell him if he could get back into the place any time soon.

It was upsetting seeing the park damaged, but seeing all the people whose lives had been completely disrupted, many of whom lost everything, well, let's just say my heart goes out to them. It's one of the cities poorer neighborhoods to start out with, and now they have all this to deal with as well.


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## moustress

There's more to life than mousies!

This iris appeared a couple of years ago in my garden from where I know not; it was lavender/pink at that time. Last year it did not show. This year it's back in a different color with a bigger bloom. I looked and looked online and finally discovered that it's a Japanese iris, not to be confused with the giant bearded irises sold be most garden stores. I suspect that my iris is perhaps close to the wild cultivar from which those huge irises were developed, but I'm not sure.

I've never seen an iris with three yellow petals and three blue petals. I like it!



My rose bush provides a nice thicket behind which I can lurk and watch the birds and startle passersby. My other irises have completely taken over their end of my little front yard garden. I'm not exactly complaining; but I am gonna have to figure out what to do with the excess when I thin them out this fall.


The clematis I planted two years ago statled me by blooming both to the south and to the north of the arch It's trained into, and to the east as well. I made the potted displays myself from bedding and specie plants.


Loving it!


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## moustress

Our long weekend trip was a very mixed experience; the driving went fine, the convention not so much. We'd rather be dipped than be honored like this ever again! The hotel was a hassle from the first moment we arrived on Friday until we left on Monday morning.

I would have thought our liason would given us a room closer to the elevator after being warned that I have severe arthritis in my hips. We have preferred a room with a bath, which I had mentioned, ("I promise to attend the opening ceremonies as long as I have a chance to bathe and rest a bit beforehand."), and that had no feathers ("I'm not fussy about furnishings as long as there are no feathers in the bedclothes and no mold or mildew.") Nate doesn't like showers either.

The convention committee apparently lived in several cities and the department heads didn't know one another. The Green Room was staffed by a guy who was surly as best vergin on rude at the worst. The food was marginal and very limited. I was glad I had bought some fresh fruit, veggies, crackers, cheese, and a quart of milk for the road. I hadn't planned on picnicing on that for most of my food that weekend.

My mother in law, a hell-on wheels senior citizen of 91 years, was also at the convention. Gr-r-r-r-! I dreamed beforehand that I told her a few things that are probably better left unsaid, most likely. She did buy us lunch on Saturday, which was good.

And I really can't say enough about the hotel, the Hyatt Woodfield. I hated just about everything about it from the decor to the staff. It was all modern with sharp angles and straight lines where ever you looked. Very little in the way of comfort. The stupid shower in our stupid room lacked a freakin' door! The remote control for the TV didn't work properly. The bed was OK, I guess, once I had the staff remove the feather pillows and conmforter and sheets and stuff. That took about an hour for all that to take place, during which time I was prowling the hall looking for somewhere to bathe. We were offered another room, but it would have been for just Friday, and we'd be back to a room with no bath on Saturday.

The hotel 'proudly' served Starbucks Coffee, which I consider to marginally drinkable after diluting considerably. For me, coffee in the morning is essential and everything else I eat or drink the rest of the day is negotiable. I negotiated well enough, I guess. The hotel charged $10.00 a day for wireless internet! Unbelievable!

We dragged our sorry old bones to the opening ceremonies to perform the required song, and then I dragged my sorry old bones back to the room for the night. They missed me that night in the music circle; I missed my bath and rest beforehand...a trade-off that really left no one happy, but at least I had a safe bed to rest in for thei night. The hotel was huge and the functions were spread out in every farflung corner available. I was so sore from traipsing back and forth that I could hardly bear sitting in the circle Saturday night, and if that weren't bad enough, we were told that the two of us got just one turn when our turns came around; I HATE being treated like an appendage of my spouse! So insulting!

This was the second worst SF convention I ever attended and not surprisingly, there was some overlap in staffing between the two. We did get the chance to sit and talk with a few old friends Sunday night and we had a great trip home.


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## moustress

It's been five days since we got home from that trip and I still feel wiped out. Sometimes when I get stressed out and over tired I go into hyperdrive and do more stuff around the house and yard than I should. My energy levels are erratic at those times, leaving me feeling faded out and tired, fatigued to the point of almost swooning, at some times, and full of energy/tension at other times.

This time of year, right around the solstice, I have a hard time getting to sleep at a regular hour. It's like the opposite of seasonal affective disorder, and I call it MAD, for midsummer affective disorder. If I spend too much time outside at this time of year I get hyped up and have a hard time settling back down, especially when it's time to sleep.

So, today, being a Saturday, I pledge to cultivate the art of indolence and do as little as possible, turning instead to husband and son, they being willing to work under my supervision at times, and try not to hurt myself any further.

I am so tired of our city's administration; I had two more bent wheels this week from potholes. Unbelievable! They are so bad on some streets that it is literally impossible to avoid them all. Then you have the areas where the road is either in progress of being fixed, or have been fixed and are falling back apart. My mechanic has been very kind in putting things back together for me on the spur of the moment, which, believe me, is NOT something I take for granted. Having a really good mechanic is like having money in the bank. I have been counseled by him to stay out of potholes. Thppptt! :roll:


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## moustress

We have had two more days of temps in the upper 90's F. Bleh. Right now we've both holed up in the bedroom as our old siring won't handle the larger AC unit in the front part of the house. It probably needs a good cleaning, and being dirty, it draws ore current than the breakers can handle. I'm just glad that we have AC'ed space to hole up in. I plan to go to the mousery a lot earlier this evening, as there are always things I could do up there, like dandling young mousies on my knees.


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## SarahC

I want to hear about the first worse convension you attended.I enjoyed that grumpy rant,I think we get less tolerant by miles once we hit forty.


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## moustress

Well, let's see;as I burrow into my memory, about eight years ago we went to a convention in De Moines, Iowa. (We call that area The De Moines Zone ala The Twilight Zone) sort of at the last minute, after being offered a free place to stay and a concert slot. The young man who made us the offer let us have his bed at his house, and promised to put clean sheets out after being told that cat hair was a problem...and then he didn't. We left the con Friday/Saturday am wee hours and went to crash. The bed was not changed nor were there any clean sheets and pillowcase to be seen. We were too tired and were disinclined to rummage through his closets, so I laid awake most of the night so I wouldn't put my face into the pillows or blankets. We paid for a room the next night rather than have another sleepless me spend another sleepless night.

Then there was the concert slot; should have asked more questions. We were scheduled to perform at 11 AM! AM! At a convention! I only get up at home at eleven on a weekend when I have pressing business. We packed up and left for home fairly early in the day Sunday.

Friday night, the first night of the con, there was a theatrical presentation. I don't mind amateur stuff, but we were ushered into seats right at the front of the auditorium, and the thing dragged on forever. They had some musical performers before hand, and after sitting for about an hour and a half there appeared to be no intermission in sight, so we slunk out of there, I have no idea how much longer they went on. The play wasn't very good; both the script and the performers lacked goodness and verged into true badness. Musical theatricals are challenging, and it takes a good producer to discern what can be done with the material and amateur performers.

There was no offer to mix with the rest of the guests of the convention and very little contact with any member of the committee. We felt snubbed and ill treated; vowed not to attend that con again.


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## moustress

On a more pleasant topic: My staged perennial garden is in it's first summer stage with daisies, lilies and roses. In a week or so the phlox and gailardia (sp? also known as blanket flower) will add to the color


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## moustress

The day lilies are blooming now, just as the the other lilies are all but done. The rose bush is producing new buds for a second run of flowering in a week or so.

The weather has turned brutal again. I've never seen such humidity in my entire life. It's in the 90's F, and will be so for several more days. The heat index is at 110F! Our big room AC is drawing too much power, and the circuit breaker keeps tripping, which is good, I guess, as we don't need to burn down the house. I'm hanging out in the small bedroom that has a littler window AC that is working very nicely. I have checked a couple of times today on the temp in the mousery and adjoining west room. It's OK up there; I turned up the box fan that helps move the air conditioned air across the room and into the mousery proper, and to push the hot air back out of there.

Tonight is going to be another good night for dining on salad. I don't know if I'll watch any TV tonight. 84F is not comfortable enough for me for very long. It has been raining half heartedly, very very light, the drops that reach my hand feel warm to the touch, and they dry on the sidewalk within a couple of seconds. I'll be watering the potted plants for sure a bit later in the evening. I moved my pots of petunias off the steps into the normal garden to get them away for the blasted heat; the sidewalk is too hot to walk on barefooted, so it can't be good for the roots of those potted flowers.

The weeds are growing at an alarming rate in this heat and humidity. We had four inches of rain of Friday. Incredible! Street flooding and along creeks and rivers as well. The rain washed out the supports of a RR bridge, and a train brought it down along with two engines and twelves cars full of grain; no one was seriously hurt, thankfully.


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## moustress

I decided to drive my husband to a show in Dows, Iowa, about 170 mi away, last weekend. I had thought we were going to be at the Annual Hobo Convention, but that wasn't until this coming weekend. Phooey! Instead it was Dows Corn Days. I went mostly because I love to drive, but also because Nate had a second show in the evening back in the Minneapolis area. He doesn't like to drive fast, even when the speed limit allows. My car gets much, much better mileage than his, which was another plus. then I found out that the fabulous Max Swanson was hitching a ride with Nate, and that sealed the deal!

Max is an utter treasure! He's a woodwinds player (flute, piccolo, clarinet, saxophone...), born blind, utterly fabulous and gifted. He worked on my husband most recent CD (that I produced) 'Water Over the Bridge', and was so easy to produce! He just knows what goes with what, and very little actual instruction was needed. He replaced the drummer for the show in Iowa, who was fired four days before the gig. He played without any rehearsal. I was paid to be his Wardrobe Mistress, as he couldn't do the studs and cufflinks and tie for his tux shirt. The real surprise of the day was Max coming in with lovely bass harmony on many of the songs! He has a lovely voice, and uses it well. I've known Max for 41 years, met him the same month I met Nate, who was a classmate at Macalester College in St.Paul, Minnesota. The trip was a blast, as I'd never heard most of Max's stories. The weather was fine, the driving smooth, cool, and beautiful, and I got Nate to both gigs a few minutes before the bandleaders showed in each location.

David Carroll used to be one of the world's top Elvis imitators, and now performs a mixed bag of rockabilly, jazz standards, and Elvis stuff. I was happy to see he'd given up the black bouffant wig...he actually looks younger without it, weirdly. Or at least better, not trying to pull off a look so much younger than he is. He still has a fine voice and is a great guitarist.


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## moustress

It's been almost a month since I posted in here. Late summer is a busy time of year when you have a house and a garden. And on top of that, I've had about six litters of baby mousies and their moms to watch over, so I spend more time in the mousery as well.

I just figured out what's been happening to my petunia blossoms; the chipmunk I was so pleased to see on my front porch a couple of weeks ago is munching them. I think he's living under my porch, and he's gong to surprised one of these days when I plug the hole with cement. Sorry little guy!

The rest of my garden is in it's late summer splendor; impatiens blooming like mad, blanket flowers also. The rose bush is in full bloom again, which means clusters of blood red blooms in clusters of ten or twelve giving the impression of one huge bloom. My asters and mums have been pinched and trimmed for the last time, and are starting to make buds, and my amaryllis bulbs are sprouting green like crazy including the baby bulb I separated a couple of months ago from one of the big ones.

In other areas, my spouse, a long time professional musician, has pretty much decided not to seek out auditions with any more bands, but just wait for what comes to him. He's still playing with Johnny Pineapple and His Waikiki Wildcats and Cannonball Paul (same guy as J.P.) every now and then. Most of his playing now will be just for fun, except for recording projects involving his originals. He's 62, and most other bands are looking for someone younger to fit their image.

We got our garage cleaned out, finally; even got the floor washed. Now we need to clear out the area by my worktable so I can take down and re-caulk a bunch of our windows. I've always loved autumn and the hustle and bustle of harvest and getting ready for cold weather. I turn 59 in a few days; unbelievable! How the heck did I get this old! Outrageous!


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## moustress

Yesterday evening I waited at sunset near my front door, as it's the cardinal's favorite time to feed. I saw three brownish birds come to the feeder, and I thought, 'gee, wonder if those are immature cardinals, they look too big to be sparrows, tne the shape of the tail and wings look like cardinal, and, wait! are those black masks around the eyes?'.

Then a male cardinal came and landed on the top of the holder, followed by the female. The first three flapped to the ground where they hunted for dropped safflower seeds. The male joined them, and soon he was crackling seeds and feeding a couple of the three younglings. This is the first time I've seen a whole brood with the parents in well over twenty years. It justifies all my money and effort! I was so excited! they also used the birdbath for a drink after feeding. Cardinals always like to drink right after dinner.

Myself, I like to drink before dinner.


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## moustress

the press of time as summer fades
trees gayly wave flags of finery fleeting
i bow down to you mother
as you change your robe of office
soon the empty trees will stand
mute witness to toll you take
in cold and white and deathly peace
autumn comes and runs away
runs away
runs away


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## moustress

What a gorgeous day! We've had a couple of light frosts and now we are being treated to a week and a half of Indian summer, with day temps at 70F and above. The trees are in near full color, and vee formations of Canada geese pass over, calling out as they look for a nice mowed spot to forage on and settle down for the night. Squirrels squabble over nesting spots, and the young cardinals just look confused, following their parents around.

The lilies are almost all brown, and tomorrow we dig up most of the front flower bed to thin out and sort the assorted bulbs that were planted to bloom in succession from late March through July or early August.

It's good it's not truly hot, as our decrepit electrical system has failed in two of the major circuits, including the one that runs the AC upstairs where the mousery in located. We have disconnected all the TV and audio eqipment and are using that circuit for the mousery AC, using a heavy duty extension cord strung up the stairs and through the two doors. The system failed last night as I was doin my mousework, so we using a couple of flashlights and gave up trying to move everything in order to sweep.

I set up a new wire shelving unit last night, while the lights were still on, and got all the plastic tanks unstacked and shelved. It's interesting to see how the routine changes, but tonight is going to be just a plain bother! Oh, well, at least it's cool up there. I'm tempted to set up the air bed in there tonight. I don't sleep well when it's warmer than 72F.


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## moustress

Rain, rain, rain...and wind. There go the leaves and here comes winter. We had a lovely run of Indian summer, with temps well above average, but it has been so very dry through out all the state of Minnesota. We have had a bumper crop of forest and grass fires. Even the wetlands are dry, just waiting for a spark to set them off. Even the medians on the freeways have been burning here and there, probably from some genius or the other throwing a lit cig butt out the window.

We are coping very well with the power being out in the upper half of our house. Two heavy duty extension cords and a few lamps and all is well enough. We have a few weeks to figure out how to pay for the new circuits that need to be installed, and I was actually pleased that the estimate was as low as it was as I figured we'd need to have the whole house rewired. The electricians never did find out exactly how we had any power upstairs to start out with. They did determine that circuitry was very, very curious, with the live wire coming from our side of the double bungalow and the ground coming from my son's side. It'll be interesting to see what happens with our electric bill. We have been spending a lot more the last half year or so.

I can rest easier now, as, between the three of them, I have had the most detailed inspection of all the fixtures, outlets, etc. etc. etc. that one could imagine, and I've been told that everything, including the basement, in the downstairs is great condition.


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## moustress

Feh! Ptuii! *snort* *gag*

Ye ghodz, how I hate the presidential race this time around. Language rules reality in a big way, and the English language has never been so much abused! How can anyone make an informed decision when they are being hoodwinked by deceitful use rhetoric? Folks are so confused that even the ones who are willing to stand up and demonstrate don't know what to ask for much less have a position on how to achieve that?

President Obama got off to a really bad start in his first meeting with the heads of the congressional committees when, upon hearing some discouraging words, he said,"Hey, look, I won, so get over it." What a downer; all I could do was shake my head and turn off the channel.

Look we all know that the rich want to keep all their money, and so do the banks. The problem isn't money, per se, it's moral bankruptcy, in all socioeconomic levels. If poor folks were willing to share with one another, let alone the rich and the powerful, things would be okay, at least on a day to day basis. Now we have proposals to tax the poor even more than we do now, let the rich keep most of what they earn off the sweat of the brow of the middle and lower class, and to aitcheedubblhockeysticks with health care! How can we possibly be secure in our pusuit of happinesss when 25% of can't afford to see the doctor when we're sick because we';re afraid of the cost. Those of us who are struggling to hang onto our homes have a real hard time with that.

We already have a two tier health care system, with those rich enough to afford to get whatever they want whereever they want, and the lesser ones afraid to cross the street for fear that we'll trip and sprain something and end up with a $10,000.00 collection of orthopedists clinic bills.

The only good side to this is that, for folks who are smart enough to figure it out, it should encourage them to take really good care of themselves because the downside is dismal. Hedge witches are going to see a lot of us return to the old fashioned remedies that come from natural products that cost pennies. That'll do for minor ailments like headaches, but not so much for major ailments like arthritis, high blood pressure, much less cancer or mental illness.

The pursuit of happiness? Give me a multiple fracture!! How about the pursuit for money to pay for heat this winter! How about pursuit of a way to be heard by our government officials and the sycophants and leeches who control them?

I'm lucky because I have a telephone and I know how to use it. I am literate and can write letters. I'm not afraid to raise my head and howl if necessary. My clients are the most vulnerable, the disabled, and there is an attempt to disenfranchise them by cutting services that make life worth living, that help them get out and about and give them someone to listen to their daily cares and help them see ways to make life worth living. The failure of compassion could lead to the failure of the democratic ideal. Posturing and crowing are for clowns, not for our leaders, and our leaders-wannabees.


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## moustress

Oy.

I do go on after a glass or two of wine.

The big dig was executed today; I have a ten gallon bucket full of lily bulbs. Most of them are very small, but a few are dang near fist sized. Found a lot of tulips, crocus and snowdrop bulbs, not quite as many as I had thought, though I planted most of them at the margins of the lily bed as an afterthought. I uprooted a lovely mature clump of gailarrdia and put it in the boulevard garden. I haven't decided where to move the Siberian iris and the peony to. Neither of them looked happy this year in the locations they've been in since before we lost our huge old elm.

I'm going to wait to sort out the bulbs and replant them. I think I'm going to get at least one new color of lily for the replanting. I've got about 50 new bulbs already to plant, but enough is enough for one day's work. I need to drag up the chicken wire to anchor over the bed to keep the dang tree rats from lunching on the replanted bulbs.

I want to get rid of some of the hosta in front of the house. They are getting seriously sunburned now that there is little shade. they still bloom fine, but the greenery looks really sick with great big dead patched in the middle of each leaf. My poor aster will have to be bagged and tossed into the garbage. I need to read up and find out if aster yellow, a form of mycoplasma, can infect any other plants so I don't put something in it's place that will get sick as well. I want to get an aster just like that one to put in some other location; it's such a blazing hot fuschia that shifts as the bloom ages to violet. Very pretty.


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## moustress

I reread my rant of the other day, and something I said struck another chord in my heart. I was highly churched as child, and, even though I don't practice captial C Christianity much less accept the weirder 'miracles', I think Jesus made some pretty good points. Hades is going to be crowded with those who are so filthy rich they pay someone else to wipe their kids butts. Sorry to be gross, but I think the extreme imbalance in the distribution of assets is an egg that needs to be cracked before it hatches into a real revolution in the streets. We are seeing the hints of that already in the Wall Street demonstrations and the spread of little pockets of demonstrations all over the country/world. The private militant organizations are just waiting, probably salivating at the chance to impose extreme solutions when the social fabric tears loose the rest of the way and there's out and out fighting over food, water, and shelter.

We poor could help our selves by following the example of Jesus and the loaves and fishes. Now, remember I don't believe that was a miracle, per se. Jesus must have known that some had more fish but no bread, and vice versa. When each poor one shares what they have a little more of with someone else, everyone gets fed. Some of have extra winter coats, others of us have extra staples in the cupboard. supermarkets and food distributors are required to put out tons of unused, still wholesome fresh foods every single day. Some of us are have twigged to that, and some of us are learning to put the stuff out there where folks who don't have money and wouldn't be shopping in the first place, can get it and use it or pass it on to someone who can use it.

I'm lucky to know about some of these methods of gaining what I need, and I could practically call myself a Freegan, a term I saw first in a book by Kim Stanley Robinson. Freegans are folks who live off of only free foods, and reside in only free housing. The second can be problematic for some, but the free food thing is a slam dunk. I have meat, milk, eggs veggies, bread, cereal and fruits right now that could keep the two of us going for a couple of weeks if it came down to not having any money at all for food. (And, after the bill we paid the electricians, we may be darn near doing that the next couple of weeks.) I share when I have more than I can use. I call up friends and see if they can use what I am unable to use.

If all the poor shared a little there would be more good eating and less waste. 'Money have we not, but yet will we be very merry.'
Ask your neighbors what you can do for them, especially the disabled and the elderly. cook them a meal and delivier it to them. Shovel their sidewalks. Leave bags of groceries bread, milk, eggs in doorways. Offer rides if you have a vehicle to whatever part of town you head off to.

The Big Conspiracy wants us to spend our blinking asses off from Halloween thru New Year's Day on stuff we don't need and on stuff for gifts that noone needs. Choke The system by withdrawing from the monetary race and share time, love, warmth, and food with your neighbor, friends and relatives.

Profit is good. Greed is bad. I'm not kicking capitalism in the whole, I'm kicking the uber-rich and the overly capitalized. We can be a better America, a better world, if we care to.

Don't be sorry, be good.

Eat the rich!


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## moustress

Back to the dirt, which is my outdoors happy place.

Replanted all the primo lily bulbs (18-20 cm in circumference); then a dozen big daffodils. A couple of inches of dirt, then the tulips, another couple of inches of cover, and then the small early blooming tulips and large crocuses. Topped off with another inch or two, then poked in uncounted small crocuses, snowdrops and squill. Phew!!

Covered it all over with a double layer of chicken wire so the squirrels are deterred from lunching therein, anchored by lots and lots of landscape staples, and top dressed with bloodmeal as a further deterrent to wildlife. Now all that patch needs is a few inches of good mulch, probably some partly composted used mousie bedding.

Tomorrow I root out some old fashioned irises that went berserk, multiplying fivefold after the the old elm went down, replant a few after putting in my new the rest of my new bulbs: 30 yellow and white crocuses, ten minature daffodils, and some pretty early blooming tulips.

Now all I need to do after that is figure out what to do with the several dozen smaller lily bulbs...I'll need some help from my guys for that; breaking new ground is hard work! My newer garden in the boulevard where old elm used to be is going to quite lovely next year.

We're enjoying a surplus of free tater, quash, cabbage, onions...it's good to run the oven when the house needs heating anyway. I still have three quarters of a cabbage the size of a soccerball. Wish I had a root cellar as they are giving away 50 lb. bags of taters near where I live.


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## moustress

The birdbath was frozen over this morning; time to dig out the comforter and the flannel sheets. I've been using my little electric throw blanket for a couple of weeks now in order to save by not turning on the furnace. The flannel shirts, nighties and robes are out of storage, and the summer stuff goes into storage as it comes through the laundry. We've started to move the composters closer to the house for ease of dumping this winter. I have a nice pile of composted material in the front of the house waiting to be spread on the gardens. I threw a few more little lily bulbs into the homes left when I took out the amaryllis for storage.

Autumn has been a slow gentle slope of declining temps, with the trees in some areas hanging on to their leaves and turning much, much later than I'm accustomed to. It's nice to drive around town and still see areas of eye-popping color against clear blue skies.


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## moustress

I put the gardens to bed for the winter this after noon. The chrysanthemums are still looking good sticking up above the leaves and carts of mousie/kitchen compost we dug up for the final touch on top of the leaves. The compost will help keep the leaves from blowing away, helped by a good watering to get it all nice and soggy.

I am not too proud to tell about me prowling the alleys in order to scope out the neighbors yard waste. I 'liberated' several types of yard waste from going to the landfill. I got three big bag of pine needles to put up against my neighbor's fence, where it will hopefully discourage the Virginia creeper that would take over, first the yard, then the house, and THEN THE WORLD!!

Also got several bags of good leaves to add to what our neighbors cottonwood dumped in the backyard of our house.

The hole where we took out the finished compost will be filled with a week's worth of mousery and kitchen leavings, thus leaving the composters empty for as long as possible. I hate throwing away the mousery leavings, especially, because I paid good money for it.

I tossed the rest of my small lily bulbs into a couple of holes, covered them with a bit of dirt, topped with leaves and compost. Most of my garden that was still standing will continue to stand, providing enough cover that, for the most part, it doesn't need to be mulched. I'[l just dress it with some bone meal and blood meal and water the bejeebers out of it all. And that''l be that for the season.

On another subject entirely, I finally got my results in my latest cholesterol and triglycerides levels. I'm in the good range with my 'good' cholesterol being way, way up. It only took three months with the additional changes to my diet, to bring it all into line, and I'm extremely proud of myself! It's true, it's true!! The path to the fountain of youth passes right through the produce department. I'm having a big bowl of salad including tomatoes, sweet peppers, grated carrot, and whatever looks good, just about every day. I gave up eating beef and pork except for an itsy bit every now and then, having chicken and fish once or twice a week, a good amount of fruit, and whole grain cereals. I snack on popcorn made in my kitchen with healthy vegetable oils, or pretzels.

I twitted our tenant, 'Dan, about getting veggies from him free as being like 'the first taste is free', leading to having to pay cash when the free supply fades.


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## moustress

OK, summer's finally over for good. All is frozen and dead that stands up above the ground. Time to dream of crocuses and try to decide how long I can stand being without flowers so I know when to pot the amyrhillis (for the life of me I can't get the spelling of that right!).

Thanksgiving is in a few days; we have a lot to be thankful for, most important of which is that my husband Nate is still free of cancer after three years. We have managed to hold on to our home by pedaling really hard. It took months of work, b ut we got our bank to rewrite our mortgage to save us a few hundred dollars a month. I've been cutting our expenses left and right, including apply to the county to get out taxes reduced (they accepted our application!) I shopped for cheaper home and auto insurance, and managed to score significantly better rates. I signed up with an E-mail fax service and no longer need the wired-in home phone. Yes, indeed, I am the little luxury we can't afford to do without.

On top of that, there's a good chance I'll get back one of the clients who lost service when the State of Minnesota decided to redefine services to the disabled. I work with adults living independently with mental illness, and many of them suffer from anxiety along with whatever other diagnosis they have. and they really need someone to help them individually with trips for shopping, or seeing the doctor, or getting scrips filled. It really made me mad that I was forbidden to see couple of people I was with for four or five years. I'm hopeful that this will work out. The client was given a new interview with the nurse that decides these things. I guess they figured out that it only takes 8 or 10 clients ending up in the psych ward after being stressed by having to manage with ride services that take hours to pick you up whereever they let you off...predictable...I predicted it...and, what can I say, I'm a bad ole pussytat, and helped my client anyway, to a limited extent....so at least she didn't end up in the hospital.

I know, I'm bad. Bad to the bone.

Happy Holidays, all!


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## moustress

Cold. It's really cold out ! 20F right now, which is just a prelude to the real cold of winter. We had our first significant snowfall night before last; only a few inches. I'm glad to have it as it provides additional insulation for the gardens.

Being cooped up in the house makes me want to clean, clean, clean! Mucked out the refrigerator last night, next comes the cupboards. Then the closets. Time to donate unneeded clothes to charity. I'm hovering right in between sizes; getting rid of the bigger stuff will necessitate sticking to my diet so as to fit into what's left. Shouldn't be too hard, even with the holidays and all that entails. It only took about a week to shed the couple of pounds of Thanksgiving gains. Back to large salads and beans and rice. Yum!

Nate is starting to talk about doing another CD of new songs. It took long enough; we got a nice little recording set-up about a year ago. I learned how to work it; it's been long enough that I'll be learning all over again. Should be fun, though! I think I'm good at being a producer; Water Over the Bridge was so much better than the CD Nate produced himself, not that it was bad in and of itself. WotB just has more flavor, more variety, more interesting little details. The new CD will probably include a few older songs redone, and maybe one or two lifted entirely off of his cassette tapes, in a cleaned up form. That stuff is ready to go whenever we can come up with 10-12 new songs. He's written about six new songs that I know of, and he dredged up an older song that he never recorded, which he played for me while I was at my mousework night before last. Very interesting!


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## moustress

The weather has been very mild for this time of year; the snow we had all melted...and they think we'll have a largely brown Christmas this year, though we did get enough to whiten the lawns and make the sidewalks a bit slippery today. Doesn't matter to me as I didn't go out yesterday or today.

I've been on the edge of a total nervous breakdown, to be blunt. I'm tempted to ask anyone who asks me how I am to let me know which chapter of the volume, All The Ways My Life Sucks, they want me to recite from. Being harassed by Mr. Big Shot Show Mouse Breeder was very nearly the last straw, but not quite. I came near to going to a Crisis Center yesterday; we're in financial trouble, my mate needs to be admitted to a psych ward for a pharmaceutical tune-up and me, I'm just trying to keep the shiny side up and the rubbery side down. Even the nicest of persons can be a real pain in the ass when their meds aren't working adequately.

And my arthritis has gotten to the point where I wonder how much longer I can work out side the home myself. My hubby's new psychiatrist wants him in the hospitalj after the holidays, if not before. The wards are pretty full at this time of year as emotions bubble over...geez, I wouldn't know ANYTHING about that... :roll:

I know better than to pretend everything's OK when it's not, though. That's been my ace in the hole, I know to vent , and I know when and where to do it. *AAARRRGGGHHH* Thanks, I needed that! 

Thanks for being there.

I wish you all the very best of the season, especially you, Roland. My special wish for you, Roland, is that you love yourself a little bit more so that you can a more loving person to the rest of us humans. *hug*


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## moustress

I have had all of my gruntle removed by so many things; it's so nice to have you in my life, Rollie, even it such a distance. You are the Ignatz to my Krazy Kat, the bite in my habanero, my perfect foil. You put the 'anger' in the banger and the 'oof' in the 'goof'.

Life is good! I hate to say it, but I saw a shrink yesterday and he made it quite clear that I am sane. Didn't know whether to thank him or cry. I don't want to be well adjusted to a world where cruelty is wholesale and values are dimmed by 'INSERT YOUR PERSONAL HATRED HERE'.

So, the rest of you, just keep banging those rocks together and if we don't stick together, we will surely stick separately.


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## moustress

Talking about peoples pet dietary proclivities is always a touchy area; I try not to judge what others see as good or acceptable to feed themselves or their family. Let's just say that I've seen a LOT of dietary/vitamin/food philosophies come and go and I, for the most part, I have not participated. I did get talked into trying megavitamin therapy back in the mid 70's and decided after a few months that I missed eating food. I was taking so many huge honking pills full of organic this and extracted that and dehydrated and pillified what-not that I was not hungry much at all, ate one meal a day, and was filled with entirely too much energy for my own good.

The only other special diet I was on was the Stillman Diet, which is 100% lean protein...it worked very well, I must say, but then I was supervised by a nurse. It's an extreme form of quick weight loss that can leave one high as a kite as the body rapidly breaks down fat. That was way, way back in high school, when I thought I was fat after spending a couple of months on bed rest from a serious illness. Oh, how our yardsticks for personal fitness warp over the years!


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## moustress

The growth and production of foods for humans has become a veritable minefield of concerns from so many sources. Were I raising up my kids these days, I'd look for other sources for meat and dairy than the supermarket. I don't worry as much about that with the mousies, as their lives are doomed to be short no matter what.

As far as chickens go, I see the bunnies, squirrels and sparrow getting fat and sleek from foraging in the area I process my mousery compost, and I think, "Yeah, a few chickens would be nice. Eggs, and the occasional fat squawker for the table." I looked into it, and if the neighbors on either side of me don't object, it'd be legal without a permit. I'd vowed never to go back to raising my own food again, but, ook ook, fresh eggs every day for all of us mammals, and a bite of bird in the pot..." My meeces love a bite of chicken now and then.


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## Laigaie

Fresh eggs are the best. And chicken, roasted from your backyard? I don't know why I buy supermarket meat, except that I don't have the laws on my side to raise enough chickens to keep me in roasters. And chickens do absolutely love scratching around in the mousery compost. Plus, a big fluffy warm bird that runs up to you and bounces up and down wanting a hug? Totally worth it.


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## Frizzle

What's your favorite breed?


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## moustress

Laigaie wrote:
Battery farming of hens actually hasn't been done that long. It really only started to get big in the thirties. Compared to the history of the domestication of the chicken, that's not long at all. We do have a far larger population of chickens and cows than the UK overall, simply because the grazing style of production is preferred in both places. If you don't have enough land for cattle, you just don't raise cattle.

That's still over eighty years of bad practice. There are so many abuses in the treatment of birds raised to produce food. I'm sure most people are not aware of all the horrific things occurring. Clipping of beaks to prevent the birds from fighting and injuring one another is one of the things that just raises my hackles big time.

And pigs...they are so smart...and the things they do to them...it almost makes me tear up to think of them.


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## Laigaie

Debeaking (what you're thinking of) is actually quite different from beak-clipping/trimming. I have to trim the beaks of my indoor chickens in order to prevent them from growing too long. Similarly, wing-clipping is normally the trimming of feathers, not the removal of the last knuckle-joint of the wing, as is sometimes done. Permanent damage is not necessary or helpful to the raising of poultry, even in high-density situations. Turkeys are the worst about pecking the non-white bits off their compatriots, and even then trimming, rather than debeaking, is recommended by the researchers at our University's farm. Even when the less-cruel thing is best practice, some idiots do it anyway.


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## MoonfallTheFox

I cannot stand the battery farms, and I adore my pet chickens. The eggs are really good and I love to have them around.

About debeaking- it's a horrid practice, done to day old chicks. They cut off a giant chunk without any sort of sedation and it's very cruel.

I actually considered having this done (sedated and by my vet) to a highly aggressive adult hen that I have. Decided not to, and isolated her to keep the others safe. After months of isolation for her issues (which were brought on by the death of her flock- she was the only survivor. She tried to kill multiple other birds, still does, and almost succeeded in murdering my Polish hen) she finally accepted a rooster who's nastier than she is. He's been mistaken for a fighting bird because of his size and aggression- he's truly a sight to behold. He loves her very much now, although introductions were painstaking, since they tried to kill eachother. He's huge, probably 6-8 pounds, and so he tears her up when he mates with her, but at least they both have company and a home and a human who loves them. They have a very nice coop that my dad built them, it's separate from the "nice" group.

I found a better solution than getting her beak chopped, and I'm glad for it. I about had a heart attack when I went outside to find my sweet little polish in shock, her head pecked bare, her eyelid sliced up the middle, and bleeding from her mouth and nose. She lived, thank goodness.

There is also a contraption called pinless peepers that helps to prevent pecking.

/ramble


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## moustress

Chickens can be very rough to one another. We got a few roosters with the bunch we kept when I was a pre-teen, and nobody wanted to trim their talons.

Then there was the big red one my mom thought was a rooster, until it laid about 20 eggs. Heehee! And she grew up on a farm!

She was sorry when the chicks she started with arrived when it was much too cold for them to live in the old horse shed out back. We had them on the table inside for about seven weeks, which I thought was great fun. I got a little too attached to those birds for my own good. My mom wanted to butcher them all the next year when it got cold, but my father and I prevailed on her and got them a reprieve. They spent the winter in the little crawl space/root cellar under the house, which was pretty funny while being a little disgusting all at the same time.

My mother was appalled when my father brought home a pair of Muscovy ducks (really more like geese, in size) as payment for some carpentry work. She wanted cash; instead we got a dozen ducklings and tons of fun wrestling them in order to clip their wings. My brother and I were left to do most of the scut work with all the birds, and he was the one to hold the dang things while I held the head and trimmed the feathers. If the drake got loose there was no chance of losing him; he'd chase us all the way back to the pen where his lady and babies lived.

We had our meat locker filled with tender young geese that winter, along with whatever my father bagged in the way of game animals and fish. He smoked and picked fish, another habit my mother decried. She was no fun to speak of.

Ah, chickens...they all disappeared into the meat locker one summer while I was away staying with friends or relatives. I was livid, especially when I didn't get the horse I had been promised before we moved into that little hillbilly shack. It was really quite a scene, a house built around an old rail car, a chopped off school bus for a storage shed, and a caboose carved up to make a little horse barn. It could have been so much fun, but, like I said, my mom was no fun to speak of. Good baker, though, and a fairly good garden farmer and canner.

If we are still here in the spring (in this house) I may get me some birds...yessiree bob.


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## Frizzle

My vote is for Easter Eggers. I love the green eggs, and because they are basically mutts, they come in such a wide range of colors/varieties! The egg layer types just didn't fare well for me, although I had a black minorca live to be three. I don't know if it was because of their genetics that weeded them out, or another likely theory: their high strung personalities made them flightier, and therefor triggered my dog's prey instinct. He's 50% border collie X 25% black lab X 25% wiener dog. He'd be fine for months, and then one day pick off a few. : / They seemed to time with my arrival back from college, as does his occasional chewing spree.

Some day, I really want Russian Orloffs. They look a lot like Americaunas, but there is something about them that looks rather sinister. They are already bred to be cold hardy, something that I'd like very much. I also want to try raising Sussex in the future.


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## Laigaie

I want Javan chickens, the really black ones. The idea of black meat and bones is just fantastic. But, then, I was a goth kid in high school. What can I say?


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## MoonfallTheFox

Ugh- I never thought a chicken was capable of the level of cruelty I saw from Melonie. I had her from a day old chick, and it didn't seem like her. I don't know why I thought a Rhode Island Red wouldn't be mean, but I digress. She was very sweet to her old flock. But, when they died from a predator attack, she started to show symptoms of PTSD, and attacked Victoria and nearly killed the poor girl. After the others were found dead we thought she'd been carried off, but found her huddled in the barn looking horrified. So she was separated, and ate her own eggs for some unfathomable reason, then stopped of her own accord after a couple of months. I think that was also due to trauma. She absolutely refused to tolerate other birds after that, and we got her a little coop of her own. Then I took on a group of four "hens" and one was a grey cockerel. They were only 4 months old, and I decided that she needed some testosterone. He is an EE, not a polish like my other boy at the time, her most hated breed (Victoria is polish..the sad thing is, her old flock was polish and she adored them!). He was big enough to hold his own. Long story short he attacked her until she bled and it took a long time to get them to get along. And then he grew into a monster. Lol.

The other thing I was surprised to see though, aside from aggression, is that my old boy Alaric was absolutely in love with Victoria. When Victoria was found, hurt, he was standing over her taking Melonie's attack, trying to shield her. He refused to leave her and was absolutely invaluable in her recovery. She could not walk for a long time after being hurt, and she couldn't eat, and she was scared of other chickens. I kept them in my room and he stayed beside her and even slept on the floor with her, instead of the perch, and was so kind to her- he never once pecked her, even though there was blood (irresistible to chickens..but he never hurt her!). He showed her how to eat and fussed when I took her away from him to be hand fed and given electrolytes.

When she was well enough to go back outside she stuck to him like glue. If the other, friendly, birds came near her she would cower and cry out, and he'd be there in an instant. He taught her how to function again. She eventually became top in the flock even with a beak deformity, and he loved her until the day he died. He caught his head under a shelf, wrenched his neck..he began to recover but one day just gave up and quit eating and just faded away. Victoria's not been the same since then, not quite as happy, and she picks at the new polish boy's crest non-stop, just to be mean.

Alaric was the best rooster I've ever had, not a mean bone in his body. I now have a WCB polish boy, Rumor, a white silkie boy, Ares, and Rex, the nasty EE, along with 8 hens.

Sorry for the random story.

You should definitely get some chickens. Or ducks. Or something. My favorite are Roosters, by far, but you can only have so many of those at once. They're so much fun!

I love Seramas, too. I don't have any, sadly, but they're so cute and itty bitty.

Laigaie, silkies have that, too.


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## Laigaie

There are silkies with black meat and bones? I have not heard of this phenomenon! I guess the silkies I've known were of the mixed-breed variety. Also, I was apparently talking about Sumatran, rather than Javan, which are a black chicken, but not the all-black.

I do have a verra small Serama hen who lays daily. I quite like her, and though she'd make a wonderful mum to pet birds, she has a wry tail, making her unacceptable for breeding show birds.


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## MoonfallTheFox

My silkies have skin that is pitch black, and they're revered in china (or someplace like that) for supposedly having medicinal properties in them because of the black skin/bones.

My silkie hen has black eyes..it looks like she hasn't got a soul, but she's an absolute doll. I was washing her feet last night and she was very cooperative, and eventually fell asleep with her feet in the water, soaking. My rooster is adorable as well, and he enjoys cuddles and resembles a marshmallow.

Edit- I adore this picture of them.

http://a3.sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos- ... 0088_n.jpg

Ares on the left, Helen on the right. Yes, she's really that tiny. I love it.


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## moustress

Beautiful!

And thanks to all of your for sharing your stories.

I'd have had a regular zoo if I'd stayed out in the sticks....though it isn't the sticks any more..that's another story, but not a complicated one. the signs along the highway way back in the early seventies said it all. "If you lived here you'd be home now."

Goodbye, live oaks; good bye sand dunes and wetlands, goodbye bogs and quicksand.


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## moustress

Speaking of loss; my husband went into the hospital yesterday for a long overdue round of maintainence. To say it's weird to sleep alone is nothing. Today I feel what he called, 'the cold, cold heat with the centipede feet crawling up and down my spine' that signals uncertainty and other emotions, transient and unnamed.

He's having a good time; has made at least one new friend, something that he's good at, being one of the generally sweetest guys in the known universe. He's almost universally liked, and has a staunch following of fans of his music, and and has his own page on Wikipedia.

He'll be out in a day or two, and in the meantime I have to rely on #1 son for help around the house. I hope today he'll help with cleaning up the mess he made cooking in my kitchen last night. James means well, but he's a bit off kilter too with Nate gone, as he relies on Nate for help with somethings, though most of it centers around acting as a unpaid taxi service when he needs to get around town.

Nate relies on James for support when his computer misbehaves during his work day (he works at home); it's a job that's never done, as Nate has a gift for mucking up, in ways that are nearly inconceivable, anything that uses electricity or any other sort of power. Ah, but we love him, though. Even our Christmas tree is in sympathy, as half the string of lights went out last night right arond moonrise. I took it down anyway as today is the traditional feast of the epiphany, and that, for me, is a suitable limit for the celebration of the season.

Ack. I didn't check the calendar and was four days late with the epiphany thing. Ah, well, that's a church thing and not my thing...but I do try to keep up on the rest of the popular celebrations of christendom. The moon was full last night, and it seemed like an appropriate sign for an epiphany. One does what one can. And the moon was doing all it could as it lit the sky from twilight all the way through the night.


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## moustress

The temperature here was 52F yesterday, a normal temp for October or April, but a record high for January 10. The forecast is for colder weather and snow; I'll believe it when I see it. We had a thunderstorm on New Year's Day. Now the local news is talking about the trees being confused, as some are putting out buds. Our little linden tree on the boulevard has swelling buds, and I hope it doesn't get damaged by the cold, if and when it comes. then there are the hundreds of bulbs in my gardens; I went through that seven years ago with them poking up above the ground on an unseasonably warm February day, only to be frost bit. Some of them did not flower that year, some died.

I went to see Nate in the hospital last night. It was very hard leaving and coming home without him. We've been together more or less 24/7 for the last few years since he started working at home, so sleeping without him here the last two nights has been very strange. I brought him some old SF magazines and the last two of the cookies James made from my recipe over the holidays. He had requested a chocolate chip cookie with his dinner last night, a request that was ignored probably because he's a diabetic. He had complained yesterday that he hadn't had enough to eat for dinner the night before, so I figured he'd appreciate a snack; it was one of those lovely little synchronicities. My recipe is great because it uses honey instead of white sugar, which means it bakes at a much lower temp and stays nice and chewy when it cools off.

Our stupid kitty, Grout, misses her lap. She was begging for attention these last two evenings at news time, when Nate normally takes a break from work and sits down to watch TV. The smart one, Spackle, is behaving pretty normally, being a bit more independent, and, well, just more stereotypically cat-like.


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## moustress

It's really cold out! I wish it would snow, as it's been so dry all fall and also so far this winter. It's a shock to the system to have the weather shift so abruptly. My sinuses sent me back to bed for a wee bit of nap after the application of coffee, herbal tea and analgesics. Ugh!

Nate is coming home tomorrow! He's doing very well with the new doctor and treatment, and I miss him so much! The first night he was gone, I piled my nest pillows (I used three big fat pillows when I read in bed to prop up the assorted parts of me to preventive stress and pain) where he would be to give the same bulk and shape as if he were there, not to mention blocking the light from his clock radio. The second night I buried my face in his pillow, but we changed the bed the day before he went into the hospital, so that was a bit disappointing.

It was so hard seeing him in the hospital the second night and coming home without him; I had to curl up in bed for a bit with my book and a big bowl of popcorn (my personal favorite comfort food) before getting ready to do the nightly mousework. I have to admit, though, that I kind of like being alone in my mousery without any distraction.

Men! They are so disruptive of a woman's peace of mind!


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## moustress

Brrr! It's good to have a large hairy mammal in the bed again! Just in time for weather that is actually a bit colder than normal.

I'm hoping for a few inches of snow before it becomes truly frigid out. It was so dry all fall, and a lot of my mulch just blew away where I didn't cover it with chicken wire and/or finished compost. The stuff that didn't get extensively mulched are all hardy local perennials that will probably do OK, and I care just a little because all of it was excess leftover from thinning other beds.


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## SarahY

> Brrr! It's good to have a large hairy mammal in the bed again!


Yep, that's what I keep mine for :lol:


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## SarahY

Glad Nate is home and well xxx


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## MoonfallTheFox

I'm jealous- I have to wrap up in blankets or capture the cat and hold her hostage. It gets COLD.


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## moustress

I don't allow felines in my bed, only higher order primates that have the ability to recognize their pillow well enough to not steal mine. Oh, yeah, even more important, the bed warming critter also needs to start the coffee so I don't wreck the kitchen in the morning.


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## moustress

Nate is taking early retirement while he waits to see if he is found eligible for disability compensation. He plans on continuing to work part time at his job for the forseeable future; we're not sure what is going to happen as far as getting medical coverage for wither of us. A lot of changes taking place in his life as a result of his hospitalization a few weeks ago; he's doing OK, for the most part, but retirement is a big deal for anyone, so we are going through adjustments to the new situation.

I'm taking on a bit more work and consider myself lucky to have the opportunity to do so. It'll help a lot in getting our financial stuff in order so we can keep our house until we are good and ready to move on. At least we'll be here through the spring and summer, and into the fall. As things stand right now we'd have to do a short sale, which would be awful.


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## Gill

I took early retirement eight years ago, so I know what you are going through. I'm so glad your husband is Ok - mine died three years ago; one of the reasons I started keeping mice. They keep me occupied and amused, but, unfortunately aren't any use as a bed-warmer. And somehow a hwb isn't quite the same (and it can't make tea!).


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## moustress

LOL!

My mousies are a major stress reliever for me; even with all the work involved with taking care of them I find that I forget about everything else while I'm in the mousery.

A few of my friends have lost spouses in the last decade and I can easily see how they can say, when I complain about my spouse, "Well, at least he's ALIVE!". When I hear that I bite my tongue, as there are several pithy things I could say. I try to live in the moment and appreciate what is. And right now that is the coffee he brewed this morning. Very important stuff.


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## moustress

Last night Nate and I attended the Minnstf's (Minnesota ScientiFiction Society) annual Pool Party, which is held in the same hotel that the Minicon SF convention is held each year on Easter weekend. It's the first gathering of this type we've gone to in a good long while, as life has been way too complicated, tiring, and distressing for many months, leaving us pressed to opt out of largish gatherings of this type.

We've turned a corner, I think, on road to resolving the larger issues that have plagued us. It was good to see friends, catch up a bit, share a song or two. We didn't stay for the music party, thought Nate did relent when asked to play just one song before we left. Our friend Chaz lent him a guitar and I asked him to play a song that he wrote when he was 15, one which I had heard only twice from here at home. It will be included in Nate's next album, which we hope to get to work on sometime this spring. It has very simple lyrics and a really tasty chord structure that will lend itself well to my production efforts. We have been talking about getting started, have talked to a couple of folks who might help on the recording and engineering part of the process, and I'[m looking forward to beginning what will be a major project that should take us around 3 to 4 months, working for a couple of hours a couple of times a week

Folks are worried about the trees in these parts, as the buds started to swell sometime last month, and have started showing signs of greenness way too early in the season. I was saying late last fall that the trees were confused; some maples still had leaves in mid-December. If we get a stretch of really cold weather it could really do significant damage. I wonder if it would kills the trees or whether they'd bounce back the next year. On top of that, it's been extremely dry all fall and winter thus far. We need snow and/or rain badly, or the farmers will be in trouble come April.

I'm hoping my gardens will be okay. They were well watering and mulched in November, but if they break the surface too early...


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## moustress

Sometimes time seems to crawl by...mostly when you wish it would fly, I guess. I've been trying to be patient as our household affairs work themselves out, largely dependent on my spouse getting his first retirement check from the government. I'm really antsy right now because it looks like we are going to be late on our mortagage payment for the first time ever, and I absolutely hate that! There's nothing I can do about it, though, and we'll get caught up with everything in a month and a half or so.

The weather has been lurching from the forties to the twenties and back to the forties, and today it got almost to 60F, and should stay in that range for the next week; dare I say Spring has sprung? I'm going to wait another week to uncover my flower beds, I think. The ground under the mulch should remain frozen until we get several nights in a row that remain above the freezing point. I already have forgotten just what I planted where; I used to map it all out on graph paper. Now I just get to be surprised when things bloom.

It feels like there's a whole lot of nothing going on in our house right now. I think cabin fever is brewing. I'm going to have to go visit my favorite garden store's greenhouse for whiff of the remedy: damp earth with live stuff growing in it.


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## moustress

It's relief to be able to say that things are leveling out around here. Nate's gotten his retirement benefits for the month, and our financial state is worlds better than it was a couple of months ago. My new clients and I are bonding well, which is a relief. It's one of the few things I find stressful about my job. We're getting adjusted to Nate working half time. It's going to be really good for him to have more time for creative stuff like writing new songs for his second CD that we are gong to start work on in about a month and a half.

Last night I stuffed tax forms into envelopes for state income tax, federal income tax. and property tax refunds. I felt so good to have that all done knowing that I will get hefty refunds in a few weeks. I apparently have become inured to churning out paperwork in quantity. Ick.

The weather has moderated a bit, which is kind of a relief. We had to get the SC into the window up by the mousery as the temps were 75F to 80F, meaning the temps in the room went up to a little over that. Not good. It's back off now, the space heater back in place, though it hasn't had to work very hard.

I have purple, lavender, white, and blue flowers in my garden. I found a clump of sick yellow looking bulbs that had sprouted under deep mulch. They have turned a nice green and have put up buds. It'll be interesting seeing if the buds don't just wither and fall off. I hope not to have too much of a problem with too many things that were meant to be staged coming up all at the same time. This afternoon I used my new garden hose for the first time; got a really good one that reaches all the way from the backyard to the front curb. No more impromptu cold showers when opening and closing the faucet. *yay*

Spring cleaning is moving forward in fits and starts. this weekend, if it doesn't rain all the time we empty out the garage and clean it; if it rains, the basement gets the attention.


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## moustress

After insanely warm weather during the month of March to slightly colder than normal weather in April...one feels conned and cheated somewhat. The garden is having a traffic jam as plants that shouldn't have broke ground before May push their ways up along with the crocuses and scylla, obscuring the blooms from view. We had a humdinger of a t-storm early this week that produced small hail and finished off the crocuses. 

But my tulips are starting to bloom, and trhe daffodils are in bud. My creeping phlox look like they are going to be a few weeks early to bloom as well. The lilies planted near the house are up about five inches and I have a crowd of little lily plants where I threw them into the hole left from taking up my amaryllis last fall.

I got some pansies yesterday to put in my planters, but I need to find something else to do with them as the planters were used over the winter for the amaryllis. Poor planning! May have to go buy some new planters.

The Minicon occurs this weekend; I get to see some out of town friends and may participate in a music circle or two. I'm going to have to find a good spot and plant myself, as my hips can't tolerate traipsing from one end to the other of the large hotel complex. A friend who works at registration for the con has invited me to sit and keep her company. Makes sense; everyone will be coming to registration at some point or another. I just found out that another Midwestern convention decided to move to Easter weekend, so there will be a few folks who won't show here in Minneapolis.

I'm ambivalent; my SF fan friends get tired of hearing about my mousing activities. They just don't get it at all, for the most part.
I'll probably buy some books in the huckster room to read while I wait for folks that I want to talk to come around. The con has been steadily shrinking in size over the last ten years as the local membership ages, less young folks show up to liven things up with room parties, and more folks give it up for the larger Convergence convention that occurs in June. That con is pretty big, and caters to all different kinds of fantasy, SF, anime, roleplaying, costumers, etc. etc. etc. It's really a great big party, sort of like Minicon used to be in 20 years ago. Too much fun!


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## moustress

What a place to live! Weekend before last we had 8 in. of snow in northern Minnesota and tornadoes in southern Minnesota. Now we are having more or less normal weather, which seems cold after the extremely warm March and weather that has been from one end of the spectrum to the other.

So I've got a traffic problem in my gardens, with perennials that are supposed to be staged at intervals coming up all at once. My miniature daffodils are surrounded by taller tulips, and my crocuses were similarly crowded. I'm having fun seeing what I planted in the boulevard garden. I used the loose dirt that was dumped there by the city as a convenient place to crudely plant a lot of excess perennials that had to be thinned out of my regular gardens. The only part that got any special attention was the two beds of lilies. I threw down some old fashioned irises, a bunch of blanket flowers (gaillardia), some tall white phlox, and a couple of clumps of daisies, barely covered the roots, and mulched it all like crazy. Only the strong survive, as I don't bother with plants that need a lot of pampering. Oh, and I also threw in some chrysanthemums that were marked down a lot. The bull thistles are back, pretty much everywhere I don't pull them out.

This year I vow to extirpate the dogwood or whatever the heck it is that the former owners chopped back, leaving the woody trunk , and it spreads like crazy. I'm tired of having to upset the other plants trying to get all the creepers, so I'm going to dig up that entire section of the garden, chop out the wood with my hand axe.

Nate has some interesting musical gigs in the next couple of months. Cannonball Paul and Nate (as Fast Freight Nate) are traveling by train to a train convention in Toledo, Ohio, where they will be playing on and off for most of the day May 5. I'll be left without his help in the mousery, but James will probably be willing to fill in for him if I need anything heavy moved


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## moustress

It's been two weeks since I posted in this thread. We are still recovering from the stress of 'Nate and Johnny's Excellent Adventure' in the train trip to Toledo, the show, and the trip home. Nate was very stressed out the week before the trip and is still stressed out, which means I am stressed out...so I haven't really been posting a lot. I'm trying not to get too stressed to enjoy my mousing hobby; indeed I need to remember just how relaxing it is to handle a couple of playful affectionate mousies next to my cheek or on my shoulder, feeling them vibrate happily while nuzzling my cheek and neck.

Yes, just thinking about it makes me smile. *beam*

My clematis exploded into bloom a couple of days ago, and is just spectacular! It's a deep purple jackmanni (sp?) I planted two years ago, and it now reaches all the way up to the eaves and covers one side of the porch and half the front. They are way early as is everything else. I'd better get my annuals this weekend if I want to see anything blooming at the end of June. I think I can keep the rose bush and the blanket flowers going all season, But other than the chrysanthemums, there aren't any others. Unless the clematis has a second set of flowers this fall, and I think it's a good possibilty considering how early it has bloomed in the spring.

I took apart the lawn mower in order to fix several things that aren't working right. I need to get some parts tonight so we can mow the back yard, where I compost stuff from the kitchen and mousery. The grass and the etc. back there are growing incredibly fast with all the extra nutrients and the rain we've had almost every day for the last month or so. Ooh, and the little trees; we need to remember that only we can prevent forests!


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## moustress

The lawn mower has been reassembled by moi, it's running great; now all I need to do is motivate my son and husband to use it regularly. I require some nice mowed lawn to bare foot in, roll in, revel in....

A local merchant bent the part that was deformed back into shape for me for free...he earned a bit of customer loyalty, he did!

Iris, roses, peonies...all opening... 

And on a personal front, my son, James, 28, disabled with learning disabilities, finally passed college algebra! He took the course three times , and I have to admire his persistence. He has disgraphia, which makes is very hard for him to write out the steps in solving equations. He can do the math in his head (actually has been able to do that with algebra since he was five....) but neeeded extra time, which they don't allow. Unfair, but that's how it works.

I'm so proud of him I could just burst with joy! Now he can start earning a computer tech certificate. He's going to do it a little at a time so he doesn't get too much student aid which could screw up his disability payments.

It's mostly good news these days, which is a pleasant change over the last half year. Nate has been getting a few gigs a month for the next few months, and he's talking with a working band leader who wants to start a new band with him. I'm leary, but as long as he doesn't have to spend a lot of money on new equipment, I'm supportive.

In a couple of weeks we hope to start recording a new Nate Bucklin album, if the guy we try out turns out to be someone with whom I can work. As long as he undertnads his job as engineer and doesn't try to do my job as producer, we should do OK.


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## moustress

We've been having a week of dry, moderately warm weather, but here comes the rain, right on time to mess up the weekend. I've had to do a bit of watering for the little bedding plants I put in last weekend. I found the two liquid products I use in my flower gardens; root stimulator and fish emulsion. The fish emulsion is supposed to treated so it doesn't smell like rotten fish, which is good, because it smells bad enough as it is.

The city has marked the sidewalk segments that were heaved this way and that by the roots of our lost elm tree. I hope the contractor is willing to do a little extra work on our yards walk to the front steps. I heard that it's a good way to get the work done cheaply.

I can hardly wait for my neighbor's huge cottonwood tree to finish it's release of cottony seeds. On a still day it looks like snow dirfted in along the edges of the side walk.


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## Laigaie

It looks like snow outside my window at work for the exact same reason. That cottonwood is one of the oldest trees on campus, thick enough to stand inside if it were hollowed out. I like it, though. It's dreamy, seeing the cottonwood seeds float by on a soft summer breeze, lighter than the tiny tufts of cloud.


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## moustress

Laigaie said:


> It looks like snow outside my window at work for the exact same reason. That cottonwood is one of the oldest trees on campus, thick enough to stand inside if it were hollowed out. I like it, though. It's dreamy, seeing the cottonwood seeds float by on a soft summer breeze, lighter than the tiny tufts of cloud.


I see you have a good way with words, Laigaie (krike, I STILL have to look twice to see if I put enough vowels in your name in the right places...)

Our neighbor's cottonwood is as big as they come; the trunk must be five feet in diameter in the middle low trunk, and the bottom of the trunk fans out to about nine or ten feet. It's a real monster...scary...as the bigger they are the more likely they are to split in a high wind. They often start to weaken in the center so that the tre twists in a high wind, and then breaks right down the middle into two, three, four...great big huge sections of tree that can go in as many different directions. That dang thing could damge three different houses or more. We had one like that come down where I lived when I was little; it got the garage and the corner of the kitchen roof.

We also had a litter of baby squirrels whose eyes had just opened; the mother was thrown and killed,m and that was my irst eperience caring for wild critters. Bitey little things, they were. they went to a wildlife rescue center the next day, which was no great loss.

Now I need to deal with the bare stems of the dandelions sticking up above the neatly mowed lawn. They are so ugly! Bring out the strihg trimmer! RRZZZZ! Die die die!!! Or at least be diminished.


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## moustress

Our Internet went bung; it was a bad modem and was replaced by our provider at no cost. It's been two days without my morning wakeup checking the weather and news, Email, and the forums in which I'm active. I spend a fair amount of time just playing Solitaire with the TV on the background, so it didn't affect me all that much.

It gave Nate an unplanned day off, as he works at home typing doctor's notes via the 'net. James coped, but wasn't happy.

Life goes on...


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## moustress

One year ago today the temp in Mineapolis, Minnesota hit 103F, with tropical levels of humidity making it feel like 107F. So just remember this when someone refers to the Upper Midwest of the USA as a 'frigid wasteland'. On the flip side, it has been known for it to freeze at this time of year. Isn't that special?

Now we have nice summery temps in the eighties and reasonable levels of humidity. My garden is through with it's Spring show and is revving up with many things beginning to blossom, or grow towards blossoming...

Our next door neighbors to the south are expecting their second child on about the solstice; I am simultaneously jealous and glad it isn't me...it's just amazing how much those little babies grow in the last month of pregnancy. Nate and I both adore their son, Sorin, who is almost five years old. Little Sorin brightened my day yesterday evening with a, "Hi, neighbor!" as he came through the bushes. While I was chatting with his mom, Annabelle, he came up next to me, leaning on me and taking the hem of my gauze tunic and holding it to his lips. I felt properly adored; little kids are so dang neat! He told me he liked my gauze shirts, which are pretty much my summer uniform, protecting me somewhat from UV while keeping me from overheating. His mom honored me by telling Sorin to call me by my nickname, which is Louie (long for Lois).

I feel good about that, as I had a rough patch with Annabelle a couple years ago. I'm not the only one around who sometimes fails to accurately gauge the line between appropriate humorous expression of annoyance and that of poor taste. A kitty had been using my garden as a cat box (disgusting!), and as Annabelle was outworking in her front yard, the kitty came by and I asked her "Is that your kitty?" "Yes", she replied. I told her that," in that case, I wouldn't kill it the next time I see it using my flowerbed as it's toilet." She didn't much speak to me for the next year or so, and I had felt a little bad about my comment, so I apologized. She accepted, saying she appreciated it, but was somewhat distant for the next year or so.

I don't like to see cats roaming loose; it's not good for them, and it's hard on the wild bird population. I've earned dirty looks from that same cat, as I have kept a loaded Super Soaker (a nice big water gun) on my front porch, and I have a very good aim. It's a big fat cat, and makes an easy target, especially when it's in the meatloaf position. It now scampers off briskly when it sees me coming out the door.


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## moustress

My rosebush is blooming so profusely it's almost too much! I cut a whole bunch to relieve the weight on the whips. It's and old fashioned climbing rose with blood red blossoms in sprays of up to ten and twelve buds. I was only going to deadhead, but those roses needed to come inside with me. I laid them in the birdbath unjil I went in, and now the birdbath is afloat with rose petals. Very pretty!

My blanket flowers and daisies are starting to bloom, as are my marigolds. The lobelia is just amazing; I've never seen such a deep blue violet in a flower before. My lilies are gearing up to start blooming in the next couple of days. I stayed out tonight until dusk, being sure the mosquitoes were well fed. :roll:


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## Alex

Hello! I am only page 4 of this 18 page thread, but I'm hooked! Thank you! It really is like reading a transcript of a chat on the 'phone with a good friend! I love it! Please keep it up!
(back to page 4 for me...)
Oh, and being Irish, I know what you mean by "the Irish in me gets me in a state"; not that we're known for talking - much!


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## moustress

Alex:

I'm tickled to hear that you are enjoying this thread. It's a good place for me to go when I'm all full of words and stuff; saves wear and tear on the neighbors too; they are somewhat used to me babbling on when I engage them in conversation.

You'll note that I rarely used netspeak in the Forum. I don't know that much of it, but I wonder about folks who are messaging each other on cell phones and what nature of abbreviation is doing to our ability to converse in a cogent manner. Language is such an intrinsic thing; change it and you change the nature of the way people think and speak and relate.

Don't know quite where that came from, but there you go anyway.

Thanks for the feedback!

-moustress


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## moustress

*wuf* dog tired from moving all the tanks down to the basement-AC not keeping up with the hot humid weather

*note to self not to buy that brand of AC anymore*

One of the problems is getting it all put back together and getting the tanks back on the shelves. The space is very nearly the same, just slightly different dimensions. An advantage is having water available from the laundry area. All the shelves are set up and waiting for the tanks to be sorted out and put up. The mousies already look better and more comfortable; poor Coyote was so flat, unmoving, with eyes closed, that I thought he was dead. That was a very unpleasant flashback to the accident...my mousies mean everything to me, coming in second only to my family.

That upstairs room gets no shade and faces west so from the early afternoon until after sunset it heats up a lot, even when it's only in the 70's and 80'sF. Today it was in the 90's and very humid besides.

Last night and today I gave them chilled water and the breeders got cold milk with uncooked rolled oats. Oddly, a number of my breeding does won't touch bread! So I switched to the oats; I've heard a couple of times now that meeces may be sensitive to wheat, and it may cause skin, eye, and ear problems. So I deceded to stop using wheat in the whole form and not using bread on a regular basis for snacks.

Having the mousies in the basement will mean NOT leaving clean laundry sitting around down there. Fabric holds mousey odor all too well, I'm afraid.

I took advantage of having all the shelves empty to do a good washing. And the storage area itself had to be cleaned out. It turned out there was some cardboard that had gotten damp and was beginning to mold, and a cat had used a plastic bag as a catbox...both good things to find and clean up. I don't think that space has had a complete cleaning done since we moved in eight years ago; the floor has been swept of grain that spilled from time to time. Grain storage is largely what the space was used for the last few years.

The boys are back to sharing the same space as the rest of the meeces; we'll have to keep an eye on the groups and pairs of bucks to see how they cope with the change. As far as whether we move them back up when the weather cools off this fall remains to be seen; it'll depend at in part on how much the odor affects the rest of the house. I will need to do a bit of 'weatherization' to contain the odor; things like sealing up cracks, putting a sweep on the door, and moving the big air cleaner down there.


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## moustress

It's a good thing to have the meeces in the basement. The temps have been topping out a few degrees below and above (ABOVE!!) 100F with tropical humidity (dewpoint 77F).j Our room AC's on the main floor have managed to keep the main floor of the house at around 80F.j Fourth of July be danged, I ain't leaving the house for any fireworks or any other reasons short of the house being on fire.

I pitched the idea to Nate that we jump in the car and drive to Duluth. Nice and cool. 70F. Only 150 mi. And the AC in the car would probably work great at freeway speed. Gas prices are at the cheapest they been in two years. *whine*


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## moustress

Last night the AC in the BR only got the room down ot about 78F. Can't handle another night of that, so I just pulled that window unit and hosed it out. The coils are nice and shiny now. After a little bit of time for it to dry, back it goes. If it still doesn't work, I'm gonna hock something and get a new window unit for that room. *bleh*


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## moustress

I made a big mistake last night, I think, when I opened the windows before going to bed. My AC unit would not run, it was 90 degrees in the BR...we set up a fan...took cold baths before bed...managed to sleep for about six hours...at 7:30 am I hit the switch and the AC turned on just fine. That's good part. the bad part is that air quality has been utterly awful, with very high ozone levels. Now my face feels like it's burning inside and out.

Angry and sore.

If I hear one more TV ad about how we need safe clean coal to provide for our power needs I think I'm gonna blow my top. It makes me so mad hearing all those lies about how we need to mine oil shale and do fracking to get natural gas, or whatever is down there...it makes me positively bristle hearing about dozens of wolves being killed in a wilderness area in Canada because the oil extraction is going to ruin the environment. The other end of that issue makes me need to blow off stream about the Keystone pipeline...then their are the ((*SCARY*)) Lady Doctor telling us about the dangers of mandated affordable health care...

My temper has been sorely tested by the weather and by election season. Won't someone please tell the starship to come for me;I'm ready to go? Now? Please?

A little later:

Ahhh! I am sacrificing a very old bag of frozen kernel corn by using it as a cold pack to reduce the inflammation in my face; very nice!


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## moustress

Yesterday evening the weather changed abruptly and for the better with a front moving in with rain cooling us from 104F down to 70F in the course of a few hours. I'm afraid window AC units just aren't able to deal with extreme temps and humidity. Today we are back to normal temps and humidity, 84F and 60 dewpoint.

If it seems like we're obsessed with the weather here in Minnesota, we have good reason. We have the more extreme range of conditions of any other place on the surface of the planet. In my lifetime I've seen temps from -50F to 104F, windchills in winter down to -85F, and dewpoints as high as 80.

In any case, it's lovely to back to decent temps where one can go outside without feeling like you stepped into a sauna. I was out for a little while last night trying to get caught up with weeding and deadheading. It's scary how fast some weeds grow in hot weather.

We opened up the doors in the basement when we went to do the mousework; it was raining, nice and cool, and the fresh air was delicious. The temp in the basement had been almost 80F during the dahy and evening, so it cooled things down nicely. In between rains, we had heat lightning. Temps down into the 80's overnight. Wonderful!


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## moustress

There's a lot of places I've never been before
And a lot of people wouldn't let me in before
But I don't care if I'm sick or getting old
No I'm gonna sit right here and dig a hole

So, 'pbttthh" on the other guy; 
'Pbttthh' on the other guy
I just like it here.

-Duck's Breath Mystery Theatre
1980ish


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## moustress

August Moon 2012


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## moustress

I'm so excited!

We finally have a line on affordable healthcare; we might be covered as soon as the end of September, providing I'm willing to walk some of the paper work through the system. We met with a patient advocate yesterday, and started the process.

In addition, we've decided we are going to give up our house when they pry the keys from our dead, cold fingies. We are mad, and we're not going to take it anymore.

I made my first ever monetary contribution to an election. A whole $3.30. Three bucks for the Prez, thirty cents to support reelecting (and electing new) Democratic caucus members from our state, and through out the USA.

That's just how I am; when I'd pissed off I don't just sit and whine; I have plans and backup plans for most of the important things in my life. I'm putting money into maintaining my car. New tires, a couple of new wheels, and maybe a paint job. I'm going to get a topper to carry a full size spare tire and some camping equipment, including a few survival items; a big tarp, a wool blanket, two sleeping bags and a few essential tools. I'm taking out the bench seat in the back of my 2000 Toyota Corolla so I can easily fold down the back and accommodate a large number of different things, like a sleeping human or two.

I may go to the World Science Fiction Convention in Chicago on Labor Day; my bff thinks she may want to go along, or I may go alone. It's been a good long time since I drove half a day, camped at night, and drove the next day.

One needs to keep moving or things become moribund and boring.


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## Alex

I know this forum isn't about politics, but i can't help but throw in a sentence or two here. I was studying in the USA during the end-days of the campaign which would see GWB into a second term. An American friend said to me, "Well, he has so much more cash to spend on this than the other guys, he'll get back in for sure". I was flabbergasted by that, and still am. BUT, I'm not American, so I'll say nothing about the culture or politics of another country! My own has enough for me to be disgusted about!


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## moustress

Alex: Thanks for commenting on my little 'blog'; that's the first time I've called it that. Where and when I grew up it would have been called a 'journal'.

It's just hard to see sometimes, having lived 60+ years, but the world has become globalized politically and economically to the extent that none of us know anymore where our money is going or where the stuff is coming from...I like money as well as the next mouser, but I have chosen to stay humble so that my life makes sense to me. :?

For folks who are in the 50+ yr. old range the pace of change is very much more than many can stand. The psychiatric wards in our town are full to capacity . They have to hold people in the ER for two or three days sometimes before a bed opens up. I have worked with mentally ill adults who are living on their own, and may of those are losing servies on which they rely. It's disturbing and I am so angry.

If the Republicans regain the White House, there is likely to civil unrest. That's why I am working for change. Obama isn't perfect, but he has been working his tail off quietly behind the scenes, picking his battles carefully, for the most part, and we ,in our house, are all going to work towards helping towards those changes both the changes he has implemented and the ones that he has yet to get through both houses of government.

I use too many commas and stuff. :roll:

Thank Goddess for mousies; they are my major source of relaxation.


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## moustress

This Forum is a major distraction from all the horses**t stuff going on in my life. A close relative has gone off the deep end and I'm right in the middle of it...

I posted the same pix twice, and I have a lot more to do. *sigh*

This and writing the poetry stuff that has been appearing here and on Facebook.

I'm avoiding telly of any kind. I have enough to deal with to be interested in the Olympics. I can always look at stuff later online if I get the urge.

One meets such interesting folk when dealing with psych issues.

Most of the people I know are afraid to talk to me about what's going on, as I appear to them to be the bad guy, the abusive 
spouse, a liar, et.c etc. et

Me, I just keep banging the rocks together and hope something good comes out of it. I've never been the sort who had to have everone like me, which is good, as I'm persona non grata to many these days. Noone sees the stuff that goes on in families...except for the care workers and other family members. People need to stop keeping stuff secret and open up.


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## moustress

Family emergency status suspended for the moment; my foo guy is safe and living somewhere in the five state area.

I love it when I learn something new and useful.

Now maybe I can get a good night's sleep.


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## moustress

moustress said:


> August Moon 2012


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## moustress

Can't really think of what to say; life has been like a series of bad dreams connected by scary and disturbing things that are actually happening. I try to keep busy, putting one foot in front of the other, only to get tripped up by some new heartbreak or another.

It's been so stressful that my sleep is very disturbed, with waking sooner than desired when sleep comes at all. Lack of sleep is weird; it brings a sort of numbness after the screaming is over, sort of like anesthesia. Then the anesthesia wears off and the horror starts anew. Tired. So. Very. Tired.

The past 18 days has seemed like 18 mo. I see no end in sight to what is beginning to seem like the beginning of the end between Nate and myself. This house feels like a trap ready to snap me up if I look and see something that reminds me of what is missing from my life.

I feel like I'm fading away, or maybe corroding from the inside and disappearing into and endless abyss of hopelessness.


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## andypandy29us

Moustress hang in there ... I think you are going thru something similar to me... my 21 marriage ended recently and I was devastated .... hes demanded and got his divorce and before the ink was dry on the paper hes off and married someone else who he hardly knows ....Its very stressful I dont know if i will get to keep my house and im loosing my hair with the stress ... it is just a case of taking it one day at a time and trying to look at the positive things that happen each day x x


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## moustress

andypandyus29: Thanks, hon, I pm'ed you. xo


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## besty74

well thats caused me to have a little sob, i have been trying to avoid thinking about abusive exs, law courts and just think about my kids and my pets, but there is always a reminder somewhere. i hope you both find happiness in the end.


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## andypandy29us

thanks guys ... my kids and my mice keep me going ....


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## Cordane

I feel as though I can't say much on, I've never experienced this exactly. Sure, I've been through divorces but I wasn't the one who was married to them. 
No affence, or is it offence, to my mother but she marries quickly and sometimes leaves even quicker. She breaks up or divorces a guy only to move in with another the very next day. I've always been the kid in the divorce and I know how horrible it is to watch and I can't imagine what it's like to be apart of a divorce.
Moustress and Andypandy29us, I hope things work out for you guys, that.. Shit stops hitting the fan.
From what I can tell through posts and such, you are both so strong and don't deserve this..

Moustress, as for the lack of sleep, it does get to you but for me, my body adjusted to it, I got use to the very little sleep I get. (I seem to have inherited Dad sleeping pattern, waking up multiple times during the night though I struggle to get to sleep while dad has no problem).
I hope you start to good a decent sleep soon, you'll feel like a whole new person when you do.

I hope I managed to maybe cheer you up, 3am typing is never my best..


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## moustress

It's been quite awhile since I posted; my situation has been weird ranging from discomfort to utter rage and helplessness. I've been tempted to restart my thread on Live Journal, but I'm so fed up with the people I know who use that forum...why are some people so willing to say the things they do online? I just don't get it. I was having enough to handle with my husband leaving me while he was in the middle of a mental health crisis, and then I find later, after he's home, that he'd locked me out of his thread and was posting all kinds of really personal and painful stuff (a lot of it just plain psychotic raving....) painting me in a very unflattering light as someone who is obsessed with having him locked up in a mental ward, abusive, controlling, selfish, mean, nasty...he was very brave to show me that stuff after I allowed him to come home. I think he didn't really remember what he'd said or how others had responded.

I've been subjected to visits from the police, detectives, called into court on charges of harassment, held against my will, assaulted, cheated, robbed, slandered...and according to three dozen different people I deserved every bit of it. Sweet.

While my hubby was gone, he stayed with a young woman who had him rip me up one side and down the other in every conceivable way, including having him fill out divorce papers, assign a Health Care Directive to her...she's not family, hardly has been in touch with him for the last twelve years..., had him looking for a new place to live, had him get a new cell phone, appropriating his old one and listening to his messages, most of which were from me, frantically trying to find my poor sick husband so I could be sure he had his medications, got to his doctor when he was supposed to...he's been suicidal for ever a year now.

I was so sick with worry, and then I had to deal with a dozen people at my door brought there to intimidate me so I wouldn't interfere with my husband getting his stuff out of my house. I had told him he could come in any time he wanted, or that my son and I would pack his stuff and deliver it where ever he chose. Instead, he showed up as a surprise, and I was thrilled to see him until I saw the gang he had brought with him. I asked him to come in by himself and talk to me; he was so confused but he seemed to understand that what he'd planned was not right or necessary, and he asked everyone to go home. Twenty minutes later, the cops were at my door, and I was told to let a couple of...I can't go on....that was only the first outrage...he finally decided he wanted to come home when he realized that he'd been paranoid and had been allowing his friend to push him into a lot of things he really didn't want.

The whole thing about Live Journal has left a really bad taste in my mouth, as many of the people posting in his thread are people I would see in our social circle, and they were all too willing to trash me in the most vivid terms there in the Forum. My husband had a list of 'Friends' totaling over 200 people, many of whom he had never met and really didn't know. The whole setup doesn't make any sense to me as it makes it possible for someone to be tarred and feathered without anyone ever having actual contact with the victim. I think online culture is capable of being so sick and destructive. there have been a few instances in this Foru, but the mods are pretty good about limiting the abuse and getting rid of the people responsible. I don't know if LJ has any control feature of that sort, but if it doesn't, it needs it badly.

That young woman was a platonic friend, but she acted like she was going to be his new wife. She knew he was in the middle of a mental heath crisis, and she callously manipulated him while he was at his most vulnerable, encouraging him to empty out our joint bank account and cut him off from his family. She took out an Order of Protection against me, as she was afraid I'd come to her home and try to take Nate back home with me. He was gone for 18 days, and If I'd known how he was being played, I'd have done in the first couple of days with an Order of Protection for a Vulnerable Person and gotten him out of there.

She was disappointed in court. She didn't know I had the option of acceding to the Order with no judgement of harassment against me. I suppose she was looking to stand up and rant about what an evil, evil woman I was...I was equally capable of doing that against her, I had three piles of paper on the table in front of me containing arguments and evidence refuting all her charges. I have been to court before, and I'm not intimidated by the process at all. The law is my friend, especially when I know I'm in the right.

He and I are trying to get back to our life together, and we posted together on LJ after he took down the parts in which he'd been talking about what was happening during his absence, and his 'friends' mostly didn't believe he done it voluntarily; they assumed that I had forced him or hacked into his account. They can all go bite a rock as far as I'm concerned. I have no more energy to waste on them.


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## Cordane

Oh Moustress, I don't know what to say..
I'm sorry you are going through this but I'm glad you are more or less ok. I hope everything settles down.

Don't forget how wonderful you are in many peoples eyes.


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## andypandy29us

Im sorry to hear about your situation and amsurprised how similar it is to my own .... my now ex husband was in the middle of a mental break down too when he was preyed upon by a woman who is using him for free nhs treatment ... Im glad you guys are back together and giving it another go ... with the amount of care, love and understanding you obviously have for him ... I wish you all the luck in the world ...big huggs to you x x


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## moustress

Someone found this thread and quoted some of the stuff I wrote about the mess involving my husband's absence in Live Journal, as if that would prove anything other than they know how to do a web search. I had let my hair down in my BMFP thread, thinking I was safe from the meddling and backbiting I've experienced in that other journal.

The material was put in under the handle voiceofabuse, along with quotes from some online article about abusive relationships. I hadn't planned on addressing things as specifically and as emotionally on LJ as I did here, but I took the ball and ran with it, snipping the quotes, reposting them under the main header, and owning the words instead of letting the creep who stole them own me. Then I reset the security guidelines for that thread, banned the user, and deleted the posts under that anonymous name 'voiceofabuse'.

I'm wondering about how they did this; can nonmembers lift text like that? I know the quote function is used all the time inside the forum, but can a nonmember do that? If so, I think that needs to be changed, if possible. I'm losing interest in doing much of anything online anymore these days.

My husband doesn't really understand why this bothers me so much; he's so freaking passive that it's really driving me bonkers. He wants to just leave the whole period of time and all the crap that happened behind, but I have to have some kind of resolution. I can't leave behind the traumatic things that were done to me and my son. I have to work my way through them, civilly and politely confront a small handful of people that I blame for egging my poor sick husband into doing the things he did.

Then it may happen that both of us just quit LJ. I just don't know. Because of the things he wrote while he was away there's a bunch of folks who will always believe that I'm an abusive controlling spouse, and there are times when he acts and talks like he still believes that too. I've worked so hard to keep us afloat financially, and it hurts to feel so completely undercut in so many ways. He's still not stabilized, though, so I want to try to give him time to get straightened out. It is not going to be easy, though.


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## Gill

I'm so glad you are back with us - I've missed your posts.


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## SarahC

moustress said:


> Someone found this thread and quoted some of the stuff I wrote about the mess involving my husband's absence in Live Journal,
> 
> I'm wondering about how they did this; can nonmembers lift text like that? I know the quote function is used all the time inside the forum, but can a nonmember do that? If so, I think that needs to be changed, if possible. I'm losing interest in doing much of anything online anymore these days.


You can only use the quote if you are a member to post on this forum.Anything anywhere on the internet can be copied and pasted though if it's open to public viewing, including private messages if the receiver of such a message chose to be malicious.Sadly you always need to think carefully about being open and honest online.If there is anything you would like removing it's no problem to do so.The only way to clamp down would be to have it like the fun(not so much)mouse forum where viewing is mostly only open to members.That couldn't stop voiceofabuse joining and copying and pasting though.


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## moustress

Yeah, well the drama continues at full gallop, complete with water obstacles and fences; I'm being charged with violating an order of protection. What fun! I like going to court, and all that it entails.

I have my husband back, at east, though he's not allowed in my bed. I'm waiting for a true showing of loyalty and affection before I share my precious ass with the bounder. If I give him that, it'll be as if nothing ever happened. I won't forget, and I be damned if I forgive without a public show of remorse.

Ashes and sackcloth, anyone?

Men are such dogs.
Gotta love 'em ,though, right? 
They are almost the equal of us women; it's too bad they only get one X.'s
It's not their fault; it's just nature. Blame their mother.


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## moustress

I'm so excited!! I've located the manilla envelope that has the preface to 'sandcastles'. It's thee times as long as I remembered, and it was in with some finished manuscripts that are ready for submission to publishers or for copy to a chapbook. Sp my one long piece is more like 360 lines instead of only 300.

I also found my writings from the age of 14 to 25; 2which were scribbled on paper of all different sizes and types. Weird.


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## andypandy29us

cool Im pleased you have had some good luck and found your other writings


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## moustress

Mu muse has been forced out of hiding by the adverse events of the past two months; it's who I fight the depression and anxiety. Sort of my own personal fight side of the fight or flight response.

I'm just not the sort to turn and run from danger; I always accept the challenge and meet it head on.

The pain is receding now. I hardly feel it anymore as it's just an annoying little quiver of tiny arrows in my heart, and the writing takes care of that. All my old fears are working their way out and becoming hopes and prayers.


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## moustress

Things are finally, it seems, clearing up, at least in my personal life. I believe that things are getting better, at least. I've had the dross abraded away from my spirit and have been cleansed by the fires. *whew*


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## moustress

Finally got some of the stuff I had wanted from my hubby as far as making amends for the things he did while separated from me in August. He went of Live Journal and said that I hadn't done the things he'd accused me of, and for which I was publicly and harshly attacked for supposedly having done. It's frustrating, though, that hardly anyone took notice; I have heard no apologies from any of the people who raked me over the coals.

This is the way of the world; bad news travel like wildfire and takes up permanent residence in people's minds and good news get stopped at the border, frisked, body searched, and sent back where it came from. As a wise person said back in October when I answered the question 'how are you?' with 'people suck' with the reply yes, and sometimes that's their best quality'. ain;t it eh truth, though?

One of our housemates moved without notice and can't afford to pay the last months rents they owe us, so that we will now again be behind on our mortgage for a few months unless we find some way to raise some more money. Pawn shops come to mind, but one get's so little compared to the value of the items pawned. *shrug*

I did mange to squeeae out the cash to get the toilet in the other half of our double bungalow, which had become loose on it's seal, fixed, and we have been slowly but surely cleaning the place. Neither my son or the other tenant understood the concept called cleaning so it was just awful over there.

Other than that, there's the ongoing work of trying to reestablish something ressembling a normal life after all the adverse stuff I've had to deal with this year. I will be so glad to see 2012 end.

I cleaned the front half of our apartment yesterday, as I wanted to put up the Christmas tree, and I can;t do that when a area is cluttered and dirty. I'm not a christian, though I was raised as one, but I do have enough respect for the holiday to want to do things right. The last five years we have waited until Christmas Eve to put up the tree. We baked cookies and I made fudge after setting up the tree and decorating it. I'm not sure about cooking Christmas dinner (turkey, etc.) as my right shoulder is complaining about me lifting that arm beyond the level of my shoulder.


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## andypandy29us

I hope you have had a great holiday x x x


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## moustress

andypandy: Thanks so much for your kind wishes. It has been a very laid back holiday' we decided to delay Christmas dinner until last night (Dec.26). As it was we didn't get the turkey into the oven until 6 pm so we ate around 10.

My son James did almost all the work this year. He even made the pies. He also made the cookies. We made a big batch of dough and have most of it still in the fridge. They are honey pecan chocolate chip cookies from my recipe. I made the gravy when the turkey was done cooking and gave support and advice and I have to say that James did a great job.

We've been so broke the past few years that we decided not to exchange gifts and I think it's been wonderful in the sense that there's no pressure to shop, wrap, etc., and that way we can focus on the important things. We have managed to hold on to this house for another year, and, despite all the terrible things that happened, we are still together, still working on moving forward, still trying the best we can to make our life a positive, loving experience.

The only thing I'd buy if I had money would be some clothes, as I have lost a total of 80 pounds in the last four or five years, and I now wear the same size as I did in high school! I only have two pairs of pants that fit me and two bras. I might have more pants in boxes somewhere and I;ve been 'shopping' through them and finding things, some of them bought on clearance and tucked away for wearing when I lost weight. I did buy a couple of dresses on clearance a few weeks ago.


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## Cordane

Sounds like you had a lovely christmas! I ended up making all the presents I gave though I couldn't help but feel that since I made them, they weren't as good as what they wanted. Eh.
I'm glad you had a good christmas though, Happy New Years as well


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## moustress

Cordane: Thanks so much! I have been trying to get caught up on your stuff; I envy you having the place in the country where you can have so many critters. Your shed looks nice.


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## Cordane

I didn't think there was much to catch up on really.. Been relatively un eventful here except now Dads back is.. Well it's not good. 
Thank you for the compliments. The dream and reality of having land are vastly different. I think people sometimes forget the amount of work you have to put onto it.. Dad has said I can have as many mice as my shed can take though


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## moustress

I grew up in the sticks of Minnesota, so I know full well how much work it is to live on the land. We raised pretty much everything we ate, if you include getting stuff from relatives' farms. Two uncles were dairy farmers who also had apple orchards, and we had a plum orchard, and everyone had berries of various sorts growing in sundry places. I learned to forage off the land quite well. Just the thought of tender young shoots of asparagus plucked and fed directly into the cakehole; oh, now that is a good memory. I especially loved the tiny wild strawberries that my mother scorned because they were too much work to pick in order to get enough to make into preserves.

We had a half acre veggie garden that filled the root cellar with bottles to last all winter and beyond with green beans, carrots, peas, pickles of various sorts, and of course there was the applesauce, plums, jellies and preserves of many kinds, pickled pike and smoked carp. Our meat locker in town held frozen fish my father caught,venison, beef from relatives' farms. My aunt Ellen regularly drove down to our place form up north with fresh baked bread, and fresh eggs and milk.

If I hadn't had problems with my joints I'd have loved to have a small farm, but I know how much work that would be. Having a herd of meeces is the closest I'll ever come, though I am thinking of getting a few chickens for the back yard.

And I really do think cows are pretty.


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## Cordane

You lived more off the land than I do. We grow some veges but not huge quantities, (just a few cauli, brocolli, cabbage, spring onions, assorted herbs and strawberries), we have a few fruit trees but a lot won't be producing for a while after Moffatt decided they looked like a lot of fun to beat up. Dad won't let me own chickens, goats and most definitely no sheep or horses. Oh and no dogs. 
Dads joints are on their way to being shot to hell. His L4 vertibrae thingy is crushing nerves which lead to his legs causes serious pain every now and then. (He is off work today because of it and the last time it was this bad, he was in hospital for 3 months) and when he was younger, he jumped off a tractor and shattered a lot of the cartilage in his knees - I honestly don't know how he is still managing to run this place..

I must admit, I miss Nanas jellies. We still have one jar up the top of the pantry which I can't bring myself to open as I know there will never be any more.. Our freezer, thankfully, is stocked as full as it can be with about.. a beast and a half (300kg) of meat


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## moustress

I grew enough fruit and veggies in my back yard here in the city to feed us most of what we needed from May through October. I had an apple tree, a plum tree, a mulberry tree, gooseberries, strawberries, black raspberries, and plums and pie cherries from the neighbor's trees hanging over the fence. My veggie plot was done intensive style with tons of mulch, and it was about 20 ft. by 40 ft.. I had my strawberry patch in there, and grew herbs, tomatoes, bell peppers, broccoli, chili peppers (serrano), cucumbers on the fence on one side, beans on the fence on another side, canteloupes on the fence, then outside the plot I had zucchini and more strawberries. I had watermelon on another fence one years (little ones). And another year I put in another plot in the yard with scarlet runner beans, indian corn and acorn squash grown in hills together in the Mayan Mexican style. I still have a couple of ears of that indian corn hanging in my kitchen.

Growing food is a lot of work, and I have vowed not to do it at this location but I weaken whenever I see the price of raspberries, which I utterly adore. Strawberries are backbreaking labor, and those are generally available year round now at fairly good prices. It's no wonder that I developed osteoarthritis in my hands; I try to take it easy as I like being able to button my clothes without help.


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## andypandy29us

I live in the town but try and grow a few thingsin my back yard ... i have 6 apple trees and 2 pear trees and hordes of raspberry bushes that my daughter loves :0 i grow beetroot in my old bbq and loads of peas in the pots in the garden. I grow strawberries and in the greenhouse i grow lettuce and spring onions and cucumbers  I make enough beetroot to pickle in the summer to last me a whole year


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## littlelovesmousery

I am envious of your garden. I wish I could get things to grow out here. I've lived in Kansas for 3 years now and still have not managed a successful garden. The first year was an epic failure due to me trying to garden in KS the same way I did in NY(doesn't work) and the next two years were a failure due to our excessive heat & drought. We are currently headed into year 3 of the worst drought there has been in this part of the country since the early 1900s. We do have two apple trees & a peach tree that have still managed to produced a small amount of fruit. I'm hoping this year to irrigate the two apple trees and put a fence up to keep the horses out and then harvest as much as possible to can applesauce/apple slices and then sell the excess at the farmers market. When we get our own place, I want to plant an orchard of about 30-50 trees & a green house to grow vegetables via hydroculture.


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## Gill

I also like to grow a few vegetables, and I have two apple trees (one is a Bramley) and a nectarine. Unfortunately we had one of the wettest summers on record, and, apart from a small handful of raspberries and strawberries, nothing grew.


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## moustress

Rot; I know it well.

We have had things in our front yard that never would have grown before our giant elm tree was taken down. That, combined with the dirt that was dumped after the stump was ground down, has produced weeds and flowers in unusual kind and dimension. I spent considerable time trying to figure out what these things were, and it was difficult. I have a thorn tree in my basement that grew six feet tall.(I saved it in order to harvest the pretty, yummy seeds for my meeces) In the past, I had seen some things like it that grew about one foot high. I never let it bloom; I'm not fond of pain, and the little version was 'ouch' enough.

Now I have all these other things brought from somewhere in the seven county area along with the dirt, and those weed seeds are so dang hardy! They can stay in the dirt for decades, and exposure to sunlight is just about all they seem to need in order to take over the Baja. A little bit of water, nasty dirt that turns to cracked rock-hard moonscape, and the next thing you know you are living with a jungle of bizarre looking specimens.

I hate powdery mildew. It's only thing about organic gardening that I have a hard time dealing with. Blossom end rot is another. Mycoplasma enrages me; it was almost surreal to learn that there are species/subspecies of that both for meeces and asters.

This year I don't know how much gardening I'll be able to do; I was too despondent and panicky to plant any bulbs or do any mulching. things will probably be very pretty anyway. The snow came early and broke records for that time of year, and we have had regular snow showers, so my newer plantings should work just fine without the care I normally have taken.

My personal life is still difficult. There's no point talking about it here, I guess.

Anyway, thanks for reading my little personal thread. It helps to know that you are interested and that some of you care.


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## andypandy29us

My garden too has become a little neglected I really need to get out there and back to it .....


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## SarahC

mines a disaster.I always read your thread moustress.


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## moustress

Well, I finally asked for help. I'm in the hospital. Hopefully I'll be out tomorrow.

This computer is clunky and dumb.

I'd been suffering from nearly disabling anxiety over things that happened last August. I put this off until my husband get noticeably better, but that was false economy; I should take better care of meself. A Go otherod Book says to love thy neighbor as thyself, and I have been lax on the second part of that; one cannot deliver on th loving of othrs if you don't love yourself. Not taking care of yourself is not loving; one cannot deliver love to others when one doesn't do the self loving by taking care of one's head, heart, and soul.

So, anywhoo...

I'm lucky to have a son and husband who regularily help me in the mousery.

I thought a few of you might wonder why I've been so scarce of late.....


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## SarahC

I have wondered.Hope you pick up soon.


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## ThatCertainGlow

You have been missed. Hope it works out. *Hug*


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## moustress

Being in the locked ward was interesting; a good number of the people I met were nicer and more sympathetic to me than my husband, which gives me pause to consider a few dire implications that come down from that observation. Maybe being locked up causes one to consider the value of what little freedom of choice one has within that context.

Example: A young black woman, Jessica, had started brewing a pot of decaf coffee at around 7 pm. A nurse said there was not supposed to be any coffee, even decaf, after 6 pm, and that Jessica could have a cup, and the nurse would dump the rest down the sink. Since it was already half brewed, and there were a few people who wanted some, Jessica stayed by the pot, emptied the pot by filling a bunch of cups, and, as I had gone to use the can in my room, she saved one for me, which she gave me a few minutes after I had left. What a sweet human being!

Then there was the tall, spider-limbed Sudanese, Iboy, black as can be...I went to several groups with him, and heard of how he'd traveled the world, taking jobs at hard labor, including a year on a shrimp boat in Alaska. He sent money to his family, with an allotment especially to pay for his younger brother to go to school His brother graduated high school, and is now in Australia attended college, from which he should graduate next year. After the group ended I told him he was a good man and that he should be good to himself by following his program and being well. He brought me two big candy bars when on a walking outing with staff.

The staff was great, even the food was great, and if I weren't paying for it out of pocket. I'd have been glad to stay a few more days.

The house was awful when I got home. I was gone for five days; and Nate did nothing much that I could see about cleaning up after himself. He did an indifferent job feeding and watering the meeces, but I guess I'm happy that he did it at all. James was gone to the anime convention he has worked on for ten years. There appeared to be no escapes and no deaths so....

Things have not been good at home. I am trying to keep putting one foot in front of the other. I think I did well in the booby hatch. I played a guitar and sang for patients and staff. That's a big one; I hadn't performed solo for any group of any size for over 25 years. I was well received. My axe chops are rusty, but my voice is my main instrument. I also wrote a new poem and promptly (after a few hours) did a second draft. I'll put it up here soon. I'm tired as the schedule had me up at a time that is usually the middle of the night to me. *yawn* I got a box wine (juice box for adults  ) I like, white zinfandel, a variety of grape that was thought to have been lost during WWII, but was found to have been imported and planted in a vineyard in California during the 30's. It's a very fruity, zesty, spicy wine with just a touch of sweetness. It has a heady nose and a lovely peachy pink hue. Life will never be perfect, but I can enjoy things as I can.

I see Franzia has a new (to me, at least) varietal wine called white grenache which also seems to be another blush-type wine. I got what I knew I'd enjoy, though. Goes the moustress now to search the web for info on the white grenache.... 

Thanks for being there, guys


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## andypandy29us

You are a very caring loving woman who no matter what happens to you .... you are always still willing to help others x x x wish there were more people like you out there moustress


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## moustress

I've been keeping busy with my garden, my mousies and my job. Things are mostly peaceful around here, except for the tenant's little kids who stay with him pretty much every weekend. I'm not happy with their presence, as I was not told of their existence when I rented the place out. I also never rented to a smoker; he claimed he had quit.

My garden is starting to look pretty good; my crocuses never really did much as the weather was very weird during the spring months. We even had snow near the end of April. The irises I planted in the boulevard love the awful soil that was put there after my elm tree was cut down. The lilies, on the other hand, don't appear to like it nearly as much. I'm trying to keep up with the bull thistle sprouts which are everywhere since I let a bull thistle plant grow six feet high. Our growing season last year was extremely long, and with the near drought conditions, a few varieties of weeds went nuts.

The flax plant is blooming nicely; the other new perennial I planted lasted year, California poppy, disappeared.

I scored a half dozen deep purple wave petunias on sale, so my big pots on the front steps are full.

The day after I got out of the hospital my husband decided to run away again. He planned it while I was in the hospital, didn't let on when he visited me every day. There will be some serious consequences if he does it again. He was gone for five days, and I decided to keep him home after I had asked him bring all his meds so I could set up his pill sorter. He had agreed to stay the night after we had gone out together. I wasn't exactly planning it, but when I saw him looking like a vagrant, dirty, dehydrated, unshaven, I locked his meds up and told him that he was staying; he wasn't happy about it for a couple of days, but now agrees it was for the best. He needs to be where someone can keep an eye on him. His so-called friends came up with space for him to stay weren't interested in taking care of him; so much for that lot.


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## moustress

I am tentatively optimistic about things between Nate and I; it's been day-to-day, sometimes hour to hour. this experience has taught me that you can't make progress healing a damaged marriage unless you somehow manage to ask the right questions. I have always been open, honest and truthful with Nate. It's just a reflex on my part, and there have been many times when that quality got me in trouble. I've learned to be a little more tactful, though.

Our tenant is leaving; he did not pay the late fee he owed on last months rent, and hasn't paid anything thus far for July. HE had another person living with him for the last month and a half, at least, maybe longer. He was not given the right to sublet. On top of that, I think he or one of his 'guests' broke the washer. I have a total repair plan that I just started a year and a half ago; we have definitely been getting our money's worth from it. In the last few months we had a stove repair, a dishwasher repair, and corroded venting from our furnace, and yesterday, I made an appointment for the washer.

I had originally started on the program when our fridge was making some awful rattling noise. the nest day, the noise was a little better. Two days later I moved the fridge to sweep and found the dessicated corpse of a wild mouse. I thought about cancelling the plan, but a little voice reminded me that most of my household appliances were five years or more old.

My garden is doing well this year, and that was not a given. The War Party where Nate thought I would let 10 or 12 people into my house without notice so he could get all of his guitars and some other stuff. I was assaulted when one of the guys tried to push their way past me into the house. I had extreme anxiety for a long time about opening that front door much less going out and enjoying my front yard. I did no work whatsoever last fall, no mulching, no new spring flowering bulbs, just a little weeding.

My lilies did well enough. Here's a few pix taken today.



Gotta love those Wave Petunias


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## moustress

My summer obsession:


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## andypandy29us

beautiful garden I cant wait to get my house sorted so I can start planting too


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## moustress

Thanks! New pix soon.


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## SarahC

what a year you've had.The garden looks lovely.


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## moustress

Thanks, guys.

I'd wanted to vent about the whole mess before, but I've had my hands full dealing with the fallout from all the things my husband did and said while gone in August 2012. And having him home sure hadn't a bowl of cherries, either, as he was still not stable, and lapsed back into paranoia on occasion. We did really love one another, though, and there were days when things went quite well here at home. I am trying to be patient with the situation and with him.

He's upset over the way he carried on and has lost a few friends who can't accept that he's back with me, as they still think I'm the monster he portrayed in his LJ posts. *sigh* He would like it if everyone got along famously, but the ways things have gone, that's just not in the cards. For my part, truth is more important than consensus, so if I'm taken to task I will defend myself.

It looks like my life with Nate as his wife will be over.

Divorce was always an option for several different reasons; now it is the only thing that makes sense. I have been roughing out the papers for eight months now, so the rest is fees and number crunching through the referee. There will be temporary measures filed in the meantime to ensure we are fair with each other.

He wants to get in right away to get his stuff, but I am recovering from a virus, severe lack of regular sleep, and a whole bunch of other asshattery that I'm just too *whatever* to go into at this time. I went to the ER a couple of nights ago as I was feeling so many different kinds awful, and thought I might be having a heart attack. It wasn't. The doctors said that with all the ongoing crap, plus me falling a few times last week, it adds up to a serious thing. I'm trying to rest until I go out and about tomorrow.

I don't want to see him or hear his voice. I do want to get his things out of here, but I plan on packing those things that of little but personal value. (*gack* that hurts to say). Books, CD's, those sorts of things.

I am deep in grieving right now, but trying to be strong.

BTW, if you are ever the victim of domestic abuse, you don't have to be ashamed to hold you head up and face the world. It's nothing special, but showing yourself with your head held high can be a great help to others who are wrapped in doubt or fear.


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## besty74

I wish you all the best, and wow what a gorgeous garden.


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## moustress

My marriage is over.

Nate beat me black and blue five or six weeks ago; he just freaked out and lost control. I wasn't badly injured, physically, but my heart is utterly shattered.

Then he called the cops to complain that I assaulted him because he had scratches on his arms where I held them to prevent him from punching me in the face.

I've been defamed once again by his crazy lies, and most people believe him. I don't get it, and it doesn't matter. I didn't do anything wrong, and I certainly didn't attack him. He won't get the help he needs and doesn't take responsibility for his actions.

I've cried a gallon of tears in the past couple of days.


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## SarahC

I'm so sorry.Hope you have someone close to support you through this crisis.


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## moustress

My son, James and my best friend have been very supportive; a couple of other people have been pretty good. I have been seeing a shrink and a therapist. I have been so low, but I think I'm going to be OK. I don't know how that is to be accomplished, because I don't see how things are going to resolve. But I know things will resolve; I need to get Nate all the way out of my life, starting with betting all his crap out of the house. It's hard packing his stuff....but not as hard as the constant reminders of the life we used to have together.

I have been way too selfless throughout this whole last year, and now I am resolved to be as selfish as I need to be to get through this. People are so stupid, sometimes, they believe everything Nate says about what has been going on this past few months. It's disgusting and inexplicable.

It makes me so angry, and that's OK; I can use that energy better than I can handle the sadness.

Meaningless meanness; purposeless painmongering. I feel sorry for those folks who attack me when I'm lower than I've ever been in my life.


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## ThatCertainGlow

I am so very sorry for your losses. Which sounds incredibly inadequate.


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## Onyx

Such a trying time and such difficult situations. I'd give you my sympathy but that won't help at all. Instead I'm sending healing prayers and strength out into the ether for you  Use the anger and the pain and be as selfish as you need to be, sometimes it's the only way, which makes it right and not wrong. Selfishness is necessary sometimes and not to be ashamed of.

And don't think, know. Know you will be okay because you will. It might take a while, it might be bloody difficult but you will get there and one day you will say to yourself "I'm here, I'm okay and I did it".

Prayers and well wishes on their way =]


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## moustress

Well, I'd take sympathy over the stupidity I've dealt with from the local yokels.

The wagons have formed a circle around Nate, and they think they have enough ammunition to hold me off. I'm half Irish, so they don't hold a chance. The other half is Border Viking. *bwaha*


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## andypandy29us

So sorry to hear things havent worked out .... All the best for the future x x x


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## moustress

I give up entirely; I don't want to be seen as weak, and sparring with the few local people I have been taking my rage and grief out on is pointless. A couple of them, I swear would turn into the wind and try to argue with it.

I have done all the watchdog attitude; I have done with swapping barbs; I have done with caring what happens to the next woman who gets in the way of Nate's fists. That last one was partly a lie. I can't stop caring or I'd want to kill myself. It's just that I've done all I could, said all I had to say, and...

If folks don't get it by now, they never will.

I made a friend, though, through Live Journal. She's a pagan christian divinity worker. Nifty, huh? She's just beginning to preach for pay.


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## andypandy29us

I think you should pack up and come and live near me in stoke on trent  Ill be a good friend and we could share mice and stories and stuff  and go to shows together  x x


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## moustress

Nate and I tried twice to reconcile and live together. It's just not gong to work for the two of us to live together again. He is so fearful all the time, verging on paranoia and becoming truly paranoid from time to time. I dont need to be accused of wanting to kill him.

"You want to control me."

"You want me to hit you, don't you?"

"You want to kill me, don't you?"

I've had way too much of seeing him cringe from me as if I was going to hit him. It hurt a lot. this hurts too, but one thinks it will get better. Last night I cried, screamed and bellowed for a couple of hours. I was tired, but I kept busy until about 2 in the morning before I went to bed so I'd sleep without a pill. He is my best friend and soumate, and it hurts so much so have to admit that we cant stay together anymore.

I'm scared of him with good reason; add in his fearful and paranoid condition and it would be hellish every single day. This is such a hard loss because I tried so hard to be good to him, but he wasn't cooperating with me. I don't know what's going to happen to me; my house in in foreclosure, I'm on the verge of being unemployed, and my husband is lost to me.

I will always love him; I've loved him for 33 years, we were together for almost 14 years. This hurts so damn much; I say "I wish I was dead." and "Goddess take me now". but I'm not truly suicidal, not most of the time, anyway. I am seeing a therapist, so maybe that will help.

This is so hard. I miss him, but I know this is for the best. Most of the time I know that.


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## moustress

Seeing him so soon after he left would be too hard for me; I'd lose composure, cry and sob, and I might beg him to come home again. I've done with begging. Any relationship we might have now will depend entirely on his behavior. I've had a belly full of lies,broken promises, agreements made and forgotten by him, not to mention the violence.

We are going to a couples counseling session tomorrow, and maybe then I'll have an idea of what Nate and I will be to one another in the future. I still love him with all my heart and always will, but I will not put up with emotional and physical abuse. The emotional abuse all by itself was painful enough, and he has yet to even acknowledge that he did that kind of thing. I always gave him the benefit of the doubt whenever there was a problem; the last two years he has not done that for me even once.

I'm still tearful from time to time; I miss my husband, even though I know I'd be tense and worried if he were here. James, my son, and I are supporting each other; James had come to love Nate too, and he is also grieving. We are going to try to take care of each other, but he is disabled and having a hard time with things.

I'm trying to rebuild my clientele so I can get on with my life.


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## moustress

Nate asked to stay from Weds. before Thanksgiving through the Sunday afterwards in a test to see if we could live together comfortably again. We got along pretty well, and he's moved home again. Changes between us include my admitting that I have gotten overly worked up when angry and hurt on a few occasions and that is scary for Nate. There is a lot of work to be done on this marriage, but now I think we are both truly engaged and ready to to do that work.


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## Laigaie

Oh, honey. Best of luck. I cannot imagine the situation you're in, and it's not a good time of year for it, either. Stay sane, and know we're here.


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## SarahC

Good news.Here's hoping for a good Christmas and positive new year.


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## moustress

The concern of some of the folks on this forum means a lot to me; thank you so much for your kind concern.


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## moustress

In between Yule and New Year's Eve we are settling down for the coldest night this state has had in quite a few years. Tonight it may go down to -20F with the wind chilling down to -45F. We are swathed in multiple layers and trying not to use the furnace too much. One of us will have to go out and run the engine on the Toyota unless we both decide to brave the eye-stinging frigid air and make a grocery run.

It's hard, even for me, to explain why and how Nate has seemed to slipped back into the role of the husband I took back in 2002. That's wonderful, and I hope it lasts; we have to much time on our hands with him disabled and me unemployed. We are getting back into the diversions we used to share. We have practiced music, me on bass, him on classical guitar, several times in the last week. I was pleased that my fingers still know how to fret and pluck. I've been so tense that singing is a bit of a problem, but I expect our New Year's Ever party host/hostess will provide some tasty alcoholic lubricants that will loosen up my vocal cords so I can do better than screech and croak.

We like to play Scrabble; when we first got together I almost always won, but he has learned all my tricks so he's good competition now. Another plus is that it gives me a good excuse to clear the collection of stuff that accumlates and wash the whole table. I refuse to play on a surface that is is crunchy or sticky. Last week I scored a bingo on a triple score. For those of you who haven't played that uses all the seven letters in your hand and triples the value of the word's score. I think I got something like 90 points or more on that one.

Nate changed his address so many times in the last four months that his mail delivery has become comically unpredictable. Yesterday, though, I got a weird piece delivered as a Certified Letter, requiring a signature. It was from the board of Director's of the Minnesota Science Fiction Society, Inc. Imagine my surprise and delight to find that I have been banned from meetings for a few months. This for raising my voice at someone who was behaving badly towards me. I was ejected from the meeting place; it won't make much difference to me, in any case as I only attend four or five times a year and sometimes less. The funny thing is that I was one of the signers to the incorporation papers forty years ago. I have said for a couple of years now that the club was rotting at the center, losing it's focus, and becoming rather cult-like in it's behavior. At this point I consider a signal honor to be banned. I giggled upon seeing that they misspelled my name.

We are enjoying the honey pecan chocolate chip cookies I've been baking in small batches from a large cache of cookie dough I made and stashed in the freezer last week. It's my own recipe and I have to bang my own drum and state, "Geez, I'm good!." New Years celebrations will will bring on my orange cranberry loaf and cheesecake, also my own recipes.

My son, James, talked me into getting a Toro Power Shovel to deal with clearing the walks. It's like a mini-snowblower with handles like a string trimmer. He says it works great; now if I could just get him to get out before the walkers have compacted the snow, as the thing doesn't handle compacted material very well at all. It has snowed 20 days out of the past 28. I am also waiting to get my garage door fixed so I can park inside. I hate having to scrape and sweep every time I use the car.

Our weather pattern is sending us the frigid air from Friendly Manitoba. I saw on the TV weathercast that a town just across the US-Canada border is already down to -37F. :shock: We are at -4F currently; this after a high yesterday of 49F. 

That's all I have to report here from Baja Manitoba. Happy Holidays!!


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## moustress

About that last post: We lost the electricity in our neighborhood around 8 pm Sunday night while the temp was dropping, and I was very concerned as our furnace operates with an electronic pilot light. No lights = no heat. Scary.

I called the power company hotline and they predicted it would be fixed by around midnight. In the first hour the temp inside dropped to 60F. Brisk. I decided it was time to make soup which would also heat up the kitchen bath and bedroom for a bit. I already had candles going and had located flashlights. (Remind self: get more batteries).

Almost immediately I went down to the mousery and loved cages with breeding, nursing and young mousies to the kitchen. then I consolidated the rest of the tanks on the top two shelves of my shelving units, rolled them tem into the middle of the room so they made a bloc which I wrapped in mylar sheeting, tenting the tanks and keeping the mousies body heat in and the cold out.

We spent a couple of hours just snuggling in bed, then, I called the power company again and found out that they had pushed back the restoring service to about 3 am. We got up and moved about ten more tanks up to the kitchen. By this point I had two of the burners in the kitchen going. We sat around and gabbed for while, snacked, and decided to go to bed. I was worried about the mousies in the cold basement, so I got up after about a half an hour. The mousery temp was 50F; the temp inside the mylar enclosed area was about 60F and I felt that was good enough for a few hours. I decided to run the water at a trickle in our empty unit, which had been much colder to start out with since the thermostat was set at 50F because of the vacancy.

Went back to bed, and utility company called at 2:58am, at which point the lights and everything came back on. I rearranged the mousery and got the heat going in there and waited for about 15 minutes for the mousery to warm back up somewhat, then put the shelves back in their usual places. Went back to bed, much relieved.

Now I'm thinking that furnaces with electronic pilots need battery backup or something. When it's -15F outside, lack of heating is an emergency. I was envisioning turning off the water to the house, draining all the pipes, and heading off to a motel for the night. But our meeces and our kitties would be left behind....scary. I'm thing that we need to buy a generator to run space heaters if this happens again. This extreme climate gets harder to deal with as we get old. We had temps over 100F over the summer.


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## moustress

The temp was -10F at noon today. Thank goodness they fixed the garage door today so, once the drive is cleared of snow, I can park inside and not have to worry about bringing my water bottle inside to keep it from be frozen.

I'n, working my way back to doing all the stuff that I didn't have the energy for these past four or five months, thus you will see me posting more frequently including replying to others' posts. I wasn't very active as a member of this community for quite awhile what with all the conflict and emotional turmoil. I'm going to try to be a better part of the community


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## moustress

Well, I tried...I see it's been about a month and a half since I posted here last.

Nate and I are working hard to sort out our personal issues; he has a separate place to stay, and now the State of Minnesota has approved him for health insurance for the very low income people like him and me. I'm hoping that he and I and my son James can continue being a family.

And today I was assisted by a patient advocate at our medical clinic in signing up for the same coverage, and I feel like celebrating! Having medical coverage is such a fundamental thing that, without it, I fail to see how anyone can engage in the 'pursuit of happiness' that goes along with our right to 'life' and 'liberty'.

Now I can see a psychiatrist and a therapist when I need and want to, and I can begin working on my physical health. I am applying for Social Security Disability, and I hope that it will be temporary. I want to get my arthritic hips fixed up, find out how the arthritis is progressing there and in my neck and in my hands. I used to be very active, and it was a rude shock to find out ten years ago that I already was bad enough that my doctor said I would probably have to have the hips joints replaced. My fingers are all knobby and bent, and I have pinched nerves in my neck. I really want to work at least part time until I absolutely can't any more.

My mousies have helped me to maintain a decent level of moderate activity, and I find it relaxing to handle them, which reduces my awareness of pain and discomfort. I am praying that our state government approves the medical marijuana bill that goes up in front of the legislature in a few days. For nerve related health problems, there is no substitute, and for many other ailments as well.

Our home is in foreclosure, but I am determined to hang on as long as I can. Occupy Minnesota has offered to demonstrate at my property when the new owners try to break up our household. I am packing in any case, though, in case we are unable to gain a few extra months. My plan is to put our stuff in a POD which can be stored elsewhere. I'm hoping for a miracle, but not counting on it. If we can get a new mortagage or get someone to buy the place and either rent it to us or sell it to us with a Contract for Deed, there might be a way... My depression and anxiety levels are still quite high, so a lot will depend on how well that can be managed.

My situation, socially speaking, in our peer group, is still really messed up, and I just about don't care about anymore. I'll be at functions in order to support Nate, who is well liked in general, as most folks have no idea how ill he is. In the last seven months, he has left home four times, and always the same small band of idiots pop up to encourage him to dump me for good.

When he is asymptomatic and when he is not, I love him all the same. I promised myself when we married that I would love him unconditionally, just like one would one's child or parent, and that is where I stand, firmly and proudly. We are working out ways to manage the confusion and distress he experiences without resorting to Emergency Services as often as we have in the last year or so.


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## SarahC

challenging times.Good luck.


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## moustress

Nate ran away again; we drove James to a hotel for a planning meeting of the Anime Detour Convention, and Nate said he needed to use the facilities, then called me from inside the hotel and told me our marriage was over. He's been difficult bordering on impossible for the last month, and then, in the last couple of days, he's been just plain out of it. He goaded me ntil I was distraught; I got dizzy and fell, hitting my head pretty hard on a chest, and he was just standing there looking at me when I came to, and he didn't believe that I had lost consciousness...just stood there looking at me. I can't take any more of this. I've been so tense the last week or so that my digestive tract seized up, making it hard to swallow at one end and blocked at the other.

As soon as he was gone the physical problems disappeared. I guess I should have known better, but I love him and always will. He needs something that I can't give him, and I'm so freaking exhausted at trying to cope. He needs to get his medicine for tonight, and I told the friend he had call me that he should go to the hospital, and they would take care of his meds. I also told his friend that Nate should talk to me if he wants something from me. I've paid for his meds out of my own pocket up until now, and I'm not just going to let him walk away with them free and clear.

He is understandably upset about me falling, and understands that it was partly his nonsense ramping up my anxiety to the point where, I guess, I hyperventilated and passed out. I could have been very badly hurt. I'm not suicidal, and not interested in being around someone who has been as rude, selfish, and violent as he has been to me.


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## moustress

I feel like emotional roadkill. Things never got better after Nate ran on Mar. 15th. He literally is no longer is himself. He's fragmented and most of the time hes paranoid, fearful, anxious, and doesn't really hear what I say, or if he does he interprets it in the worst possible light.

The last time I saw him, his hair was matted and oily, his face had several days stubble, and he looked ten years older than the did a month ago. Now he's decided to shut me out of this life entirely. A couple of friends who have known him for decades say that the man I married twelve years ago is, for all intents and purposes, dead. I now agree with them.

He's going downhill physically, his memory is almost nonexistant, and being around me me makes him afraid and paranoid. I don't want to cause him pain, so I'm staying away from the man who looks like My Nate, but is several other Nates most of the time. I tried as hard as I could to get him to settle down, but it's pointless. It's over, and I am suicidal, but don't plan to do aything about it other than continue with my therapist, and maybe see a shrink if she thinks it's a good idea.

I loved Nate like I never loved anyone else; he was my soulmate and my best friend, and I will be mourning the loss of him for the rest of my life. This hurts like nothing else ever has....


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## SarahC

sounds like he has some serious mental health issues and you have a lot to deal with and come to terms with .Suicide is for the (temporarily)mentally ill.Not for strong women.Hope some relief comes to your state of mind soon.


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## moustress

Oh, but I am painted with that same brush; I have serious issues with depression, anxiety, and have a diagnosis of adjustment disorder, though that may change as I go forward with my new therapist.

I'm doing all I can to keep me going, like reaching out to people who care, becasue I do not want to die. I kind of want to die, but it's mostly that I am so unhappy aand in pain that sometimes I just don't want to be alive anymore. I'm not going to do anything about it other than continue treatment and hope that someday soon I stop feeling like I dont want to live. I don't see how I am going to get there, but people keep telling me that I'll recover from losing Nate.

I woke too early this morning, and I feel awful. My mind and my heart wishes for the pain to cease. It feels like I'm dying.


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## SarahC

all sorts of good people are touched with the brush off and on.I hope you can catch some sleep tonight.Tiredness reduces your ability to cope soooo much :sleep


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## moustress

Yeah, I'd like a good night's sleep, preferably without using a sleeping pill.

I am in mourning and everything seems pointless today. It hurts so much!

Goddess help me! My heart can't take this.


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## Lyra

It's not fair that the best people are usually the ones who experience the worst moments... 
I've been reading your posts from time to time and I perceive you as a good, helpful and caring person. I hope soon the tides will turn and the fate will give you back all the good things you've done for the others. Take care!


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## moustress

It was no secret to me that Nate had lived for quite a while mieth mental illness, and I promised myself that I would love him unconditionally for as long as we lived. That will not change. When I married him, I wanted him to have a good number of years with consistent love and care, and I most surely did do that. He'd had a lot of abuse and sadness in his life, even when we dated back in the eighties.

He made the choice not to perpetuate the violence and cruelty and was a very conscienciously good person, for the most part, and I admired his strength a great deal. I felt that being with him improved my life and made me a better person.

Staying away from him is the most loving thing I can so right now, as he sees me as an adversary. It's so hard, though, and I am so deeply, deeply sad that it's turned out like this. I still love him a frightening intensity. I need to get over that so I can find peace. I miss him so much!


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## moustress

Today I cried and cried and cried. I feel burnt out; I hope I can burn out the love and the sadness that has become such a big part of it. I'm now being exclided by court order from attending any of the social events that I normally might attend. I don't care that much about not going, it's the unfairness of the exclusion.

Nste had been trashing me behind my back for a good number of years, and nothing I say can change that. Everyone here in town loves Nate; almost everyone distrusts me. He had the wool pulled over my eyes, that's for sure. Right now I'm so tired and despondent that I feel like I could just fall to the floor and fall asleep. My emotional state has been either anxious, depressed or exhausted. I didn't sleep well last night, and picking up the letter telling me I was excluded from the annual SF con, snf that sent me over the edge. I cried for several hours over the senselessness and cruelty of what's been done to me.

Then I saw my therapist and cried some more. Then I came home and cried some more. I feel like crying right now.


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## BlackSelf

Cheer up! Better times will come!


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## moustress

Hey, I didn't cry yesterday.


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## BlackSelf

thats great! :3


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## moustress

Tonight, though, I am sitting at home instead of going to the annual SF convention. I've been judged. I don't think it's right for me to be excluded from a public event because of a problem with my spouse.

Yeah, I finally fought back against Nate, and he has accused me of assaulting him. So I'm clearly dangerous and can't attend. I told him that eventually he'd push me too far and I'd snap. I've been a battered spouse for a year and a half, and I just couldn't take it anymore. It seems that defending myself isn't approved of; I'm supposed to be a happy idiot and continue to take the abuse.

I'm SO done with that....


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## BlackSelf

It is not fair, but you have done the right thing!


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## moustress

I;m not about to sit quietly while the convention goes on, either. I'm posting on LJ and Facebook so that at least someone will know the truth about why I'm not there. I'm not ashamed of finally having hurt the lying, freakazoid man. I just wish I had done it sooner and harder.

A couple of people say I should go and charge him for assault, but it's just not worth the trouble. He's old and sick and not worth the salt in my tears.

Somehow, I could never bring myself to fight back before, but the cumulative insult of all the assorted kinds of abuse just kind of caught up with me, and I just went off on him.


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## SarahC

moustress said:


> I'm SO done with that....


Good.


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## moustress

It's about 1:30am, and I should be in bed. I'm disquieted by too many thoughts about what is gone, too many fears for what is to come, and a general feeling of wrongness in the present. My life seems like an endless struggle to overcome time itself. There seems to be too much and too little time, all at the same time.

I started packing today; some of the little what nots like my collection of little frog figurines. I have a lot of them; some other little critter figurines as well. It's hard, and I wept while doing it. This in not what my life was supposed to be, and I';m having a helluva time accepting it.

Nate takes up too much of my consciousness still, and that's something that has to change. I don't know how I'm going to get over him. I fear seeing him by accident as I go about town. The thought of seeing him unsettles me in so many different ways. This last two years has really left me reeling emotionally.

I'm trying not to let myself break down and bawl anymore; there will be times when I won't be able to help myself, I suppose, and it is a form of venting. but I distrust the grief I feel. I'm still suicidal; sometimes it seems like a sensible choice, and I know it's dangerous to think like that. I'm just so damn tired of hurting! I wish I had something happy to report. I feel lost and alone.


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## moustress

My situation is no different, but my thinking has changed. Last night I was thinking about Nate and myself, and I followed down the thought 'what if Nate changes his mind again and want to be with me and James'.

A few weeks ago I still hung on to what I had been telling Nate "You will always have a home with me. I will never give up on you." I've had the intellectual realization of that being stupid a number of times in the last year. It was an addictive relationship, I knew that, too. Addiction is hard to recover from.

Last night I told myself " That's insane. After all the times he's run away, and after the promises he made at Thanksgiving, I would have to be completely out of my mind to let him get near me again." Part of my recovery, just like with drug addicts, is staying away form the people and places where I associated with him, and staying away from him.

I can imagine a chorus of hurrahs both from those who are being supportive, and those who wish that I would never show up certain places again. I know I,ve been angry and confrontational. That's the way I am when people f**k with me.

This does not mean that i will never again attend a MinnStf meeting or a Minicon. It means that right now, I don't want to take the chance that I will be exposed to the thing to which I am addicted.

I practiced in my head what I might say to him if he were to ask to get back together. I felt the anger that would have to hold me steady; I told myself that this was the right way to think, and, while anger may not be a good thing in and of itself, it's a helluva lot better than wanting to kill myself.

I'm getting stronger, and I don't plan on backsliding.


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## moustress

It's hard work to change your mind; I've been going to therapy twice a week for the last couple of months, and I'm doing better. My ex unwittingly helped me after some busybody emailed him about my situation. We ended up exchanging about 30 emails over four or five days. It wasn't anything in particular he said that helped, but rather that I was reminded on how well we had got along, for the most part, and more important, just how much in love with him I had been. this made me realize that my love for Nate is not the only love I have had, or will have in the future.

I never thought Kevin and I would be friends again. It's great, and I feel more grounded in this life. I am no longer seriously suicidal, though I find my self thinking about something I need to do that is a hassle, and think to myself "Or I could just kill myself: followed immediately by "Nah".

That was very freeing for me, and I'm now looking forward to the day we leave this house. James is going to rent a room for a couple of months, at loeat, while I travel and look for a situation for myself, and maybe for the both of us. I am actually way ahead of schedule on packing. I need to stop packing stuff on the main floor so I don't put in boxes things that I might need in the nest six weeks.

I've found one breeder near Winnipeg who will maintain my lines of tricolors for as long as it takes for me to get a place to live, and another breeder who I need to contact. She owns a small chain of pet supply stores and breeds meeces. At least it'll be interesting to meet what may be the only local breeder here in Minneapolis.


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## moustress

I'm repeating or pointing out my Mini-mouse train. I will definitly be going to Winnipeg, and maybe Duluth, Wisconsin, and possibly Chicago.


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## moustress

It looks like I have to curb what I say in here and elsewhere on the net. People are reading stuff and passing things on to my dingbat husband and his even dingier cohort.

Apparently he doesn't want to get divorced anytime soon, as he is annoying me with a bunch of picayune demands.

Bored now; not going to play.


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## moustress

I am enjoying my garden until the day I have to leave here, which is almost exactly one month from today.







The sorting and packing is coming along nicely. It's amazing the amount of crud one keeps around basements and attics. I have filled many bags of trash, and sorted many boxes and piles of stuff to give to charity. I've decided that a yard sale might be nice, but a lot of work.

I'm generally doing better emotionally. I clearly recognize that my life is more comfortable without Nate around. He's become an obnoxious freak who doesn't know how to be a partner, and I doubt that we will ever be friends again, as I am now with Kevin, my first husband. He is showing his strength of character and has been an invaluable aid in helping me focus away from all the current unhappiness. I know I will grieve the loss of my current marriage, but it won't be nearly as hard as the last two years with Nate have been. It hurts a little to say that, but it's true.

I have no idea what my life will look like a half a year from now; exciting and scary all the same time.


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## moustress

Well, the mousies have been delivered, and I'm going to try to enjoy the rest of my time here. I don't think I'll take another long road trip like this on my own. I could have really used a second driver, as my hands are quite sore. the drive was uneventful aside from light rain for an hour or two.

I have promised to try to not cry all the time I'm here. this is one of 'our' places, a nd here I am as an 'only'. *sigh*


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## moustress

These friends of mine are relentless; first they make me welcome, let me cry all over them, make me comfortable, and , then, if that were'nt enogh, they get me to go out, laugh, and have fun. They are relentless!


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## moustress

Today I am just kicking back and reading and noodling on the laptop. I sat with Dave and Elizabeth last night as he helped her work on her Latin homework. She's studying Latin for the fun, or probably becasue learning new stuff is s'pose to keep your brain from aging. That was kind of fun, though the digressions back to their high school days was more interesting than listening to them fumble their way through intracacies of Latin.

Today I'm taking one of their tenants to the airport as he's off to interview for a job in Saskatoon. He's an interesting fellow who has a degree in library sciences but worked for years as a concert pianist. Got burned out on that, and after recovering, is now trying to take up the library sciences thing.

Elizabeth and I have had some good conversations. Prior to this visit, our contact was at parties or conventions, and she was always pretty quiet. I find that she chatters on at length in a more or less private setting. This is good. I had wondered how we would get along.

Last night I found out what happenes to an open bottle of Irish Creme Liqouer if it sits too long. I pourd some yellowish fluid ito a cup, looked inside the bottle and saw what looked like bean curd floating near the spout. Weird. I wanted the nightcap, so I drank the stuff I poured, and it was far from unpleasant, tasting like a very sweet Southern Comfort.

This has been a very good trip, for the most part, and I hope to visit these fine folk again soon.


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## moustress

The trip home went OK. The first few hours were very nice. I took a US route acress the border into Minnesota instead of coming down the interstate in North Dakota. Lots of small towns along the way so lots to see.

The last two thirds of the return journey was very stressful. High winds, and driving rain made for 250 mi. of white knuckle driving.
I was feeling kind of washed out already before I went a mile, as I had a long sick spell with vertigo and nausea. I off the bed and mamged not to soil it, but I was on the floor immobilized as I couldn't move my head without the vertigo and nausea acting up.

Finally, after my stomach was demonstrably, I managed to get my upper body on the mattress and managed to get bacfk into bed.
I spent an hour or two, I think, on that floor feeling very helpless. Not sure what caused it; hope it never happens again.

Apex is very happy with her adopted mousies; I ho0pe to be able to get some stock from her when I find a new place to live.

I stopped for about an hour at the Clearwater exit on I94; their meals are always fantaqstic and always more than one can eat. The waitress says she's used to people not ordering dessert. I bet a lot of do what I did and buy a few things from their bakery to take home. I had Rainbow Fritter Bread with wild rice venison sausage. the fritter bread was chunks of blueberry, strawberry and apple fritter bread drizzled with frosting. I was glad they added this to the menu as the other meal featuring Frittter French Toast is a huge platter with two eggs, two sausages, and hash brown potatoes, and it really is enough to feed two people.

I brought home a cinnamon roll and a caramel pecan roll. both of these are big enough to be called a coffee cake. They were out of my favorite, a humongous fudge topped bismarck filled with custard that is so rich that it usually takes a couple of sittings for me to finish off.


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## moustress

Today I gave up trying to get my instruments back from Nate, and went ahead an signed the divorce papers. It hurts a lot. I'm ready for it to end, but it still hurts. I loved him with every fiber of my being and every bit of my heart and soul. It's over.

My POD is being delivered tomorrow. The loading will commence. Gotta move forward because there's no going back.


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## moustress

The divorce papers have been properly signed and put in the mail and my POD is here in my front yard. I feel overwhelmed and extremely depressed. It's too much to have to lose my home and my marriage. I'm feeling very overwhelmed and depressed.I know I have to keep moving forward, but to what? I have a few vague notions of what might happen, other than me ending up in the hospital again after we are out of this house. I felt so good last week after my trip, and it's not like I didn't know these things would happen, it's just that the actually happening has more emotional immediacy.

This is so hard. Goddess help me!!


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## moustress

Nate's minion made me give up the Live Journal Nate had given me; his gifts are like the fabled gypsy horses that, once sold, wait for dark then run away back to thier former owner. He has behaved in such a hateful fashion the last couple of years, that, while I'm still hurting, I'm so glad to done with him.

That being said, I am still very unhappy about my situation. I loaded ten boxes into my POD. I'm hoping to get a couple of people over here to move some furniture so I can have room to finish packing.

My therapist has been a very necessary lifeline; I saved my blubbering for her today. I'm just emotionally exhausted and need to maintain forward motion until I find a good place to stay for awhile.


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## moustress

I made a call to the Family Court Today and confirmed that, since we agreed on the settlement, I don't need to be in court which means I don't have to see Nate. this is a good thing. I'm pretty far from recovered from all the abuse and lies to which I've been subjected. This is one less thing I need to worry about. I Don't want to ever see his lying face again.

On the down side, I got put down for talking about the situation to somene who came to help move stuff into the POD. I was quite angry to have someone criticize me for speaking my own mind in my own home. I had thought that this person had a working brain and would realize that all he needed to do was just to say, "I'm sorry you are hurting." I don't need agreement on all the issues involved. I do need compassion, however. That seems to be in short supply in the local science fiction fan community. I've been branded as an abuser and nothing I do or say will change that. I will not miss any of them when I leave town for good.


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## moustress

Even so, there is still beauty in my life....


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## moustress

I wasn't quite ready for the letter I got today letting me know that the final decree for the divorce was issued on July 3. My emotions are high and very mixed. I nearly fainted, then I felt like I was going to die. Now I am numb or in excruciating pain by turns. I know this is the what had to happen, but it hurts!


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## SarahC

Two years at least to mend your shattered life,thinking of you.


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## moustress

I think I'm going to be alright. there will be moments when, like last night, that I let the pain rise for a bit, but my therapist and I have been working hard so I don't forget how to push it into the background and get on with the business of living.

Thanks so much for your support!


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## moustress

Tonight I made arrangements for someone I trust to take the rest of Nate's stuff out of here tomorrow. With those things out of the way, maybe I will have more of a sense of closure.


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## moustress

The person only had room for half of Nate's stuff so I'm waiting for someone else to come get the rest and bring the guitar cases I demanded be given back to me.

Oh, how much I want this to just be over! I feel like I'll never get a sense of closure as long as I have to deal with Nate's stuff and Nate's cronies, and Nate's wanting this and that and the other thing over there while we're at it.

When do I get what I want? It's me time.


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## moustress

Nate's current keeper likes to bandy about the Power of Attorney he gave her. She is such an unpleasantm insincere, officous little snipe. She insists that I am responsisble for Nate getting the rest of his stuff. She can take her attitude and stuff it. I'm not lifing another finger at her bidding or for his benefit.


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## moustress

Here I am winding up for the last week in this house. I still feel like this is all just a vary long, complicated nightmare from which I might awaken. I know it isn't, but I am feeling the heaviness of finality after signing an agreement to be out by a certain date. I allowed myself the luxury of briefly crying last night. I was just so dang tired and sweaty after working in the basement. Taking apart the worktable wasn't terribly hard, but I waited a little too long to do it.There are so many boxes piled up down there waiting to be hauled out that it has gotten hard to navigate. Having the work bench apart makes a huge difference.

The two people who have agreed to help this weekend are coming singly, one today, one tomorrow. A little weird; I think there's a couple of other people who may show up, but I'm not sure.I tidied the front room last night so folks have a clear path throgh as they haul boxes out.

I woke up a couple of hours earlier than I wanted to because my brain started working and all the details got me going. So I am going to have a leisurely time waking up and letting the coffee do it's thing. And food; should have food. I feel more like "Forward! fall on your face!" than "Forward, march!" right now. I think I'm going to go back to bed just a little while just on general principle.


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## skeallzy

Oh hon, I'm so sorry  I had no idea this all was here, and of what was going on. It gets better, I promise.


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## moustress

Yes, I will make it, and if what they say is true, and what doesn't kill me makes me stronger, I should be truly Herculean by the time I get ot of this town. Another major meltdown today; I swing widely on my hinges and avoid falling off them. Heop people are prepared for a somewhat beleaguered visitor. Tears are always near. I will probably never again scream like I did today. My position is intolerable, and once I;m out of here, things can ONLY get better. Even if I get flattened by a stray meteor two minutes after I pass the county line.

My levels of pain both physical and emotional were so great that last night I thought of going to the ER. I don't want to go back in; you never know when they get a wild hair up their ass and decide to keep you until they are good and darn ready to let you go.

The fact is that this trip will be a form of therapy for me. It won't make any of the pain worse, and it should relieve a lot of pressure.

skeallzy- Did you read the whole effing thing? It has been grist for the word mill that's for sure. I have two poetry threads as well.


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## skeallzy

Unfortunately, I haven't been able to read the whole thing yet, it's been kind of a whirlwind thing here lately. I've read through the middle of April.  Honestly, my heart goes out to you. This smacks so much of the crap my ex husband pulled on me before he left. I don't have any friends left from college because of him. I (like an idiot) dropped out because we could only afford for one of us to go, and I was going for publishing (before Amazon eliminated most of it, but the rumblings were there), and then when we split, all of MY friends from college that I introduced him to were like "Dude, we know what you did." Ugh.


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## moustress

Yeah, my defamation will be forever immortalized by my song/poem that starts;

it was a plain conspiracy
blackening my name...

My ex has lived with mental illness for decades and lied to me about his condition, among other things.

It's all there.....

Now I sit, trying to relax a little, knowing now that we cannot reach the deadline of noon tomorrow; more like Friday or Saturay noring somtime before i GET OUT OF TOWN...grrrr....I want to be gone already!!


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## moustress

There's no point to worrying about the stuff that hasn't been done. I don't care right now about anything but resting up and getting out of this town for at least awhile. My registration for my car expires tomorrow, so the first thing Monday I am getting them. My car will then receive the herd of tiny livestock and whatever other equipment I can get in the trunk along with my bag. No camping this trip I think. I may pack the bivouac kit which takes up almost no space at all.

Those people from the cleaning agency that I hired yesterday didnt get the job done, and they charged me twice what was quoted. are out of luck. I told them I'd talk to them through the law because I know they aren't a legally registered business. They won't want to mess with me. I already called the bank and put a hold on the charges and started a dispute claim.

On top of ebverything else, when I got home I couldn't see my cable, modem and router; I was extremely perturbed. I dinally foung them in a garbage bin. Grrrrr.. James helpd me over the phone in detting it up/ Heis now in a safe lovely home in the suburbs. He was going to move into a reallly awful place in the worst part of Minneapolis, had already paid for the first month. I told him he should get a different place and I'd pay for the first month there until he can get some kind of refund.

I see so many errors in this post; I'm too tired to fix them. I offer my apologies.

Everything is staged for the trip; I am still or maybe even more excited about going to places where people actually want to see 
me. I have been hurt so much by a group of SF fans in this town, inclding my ex #2. Oh, it hurts to type that.....Last night I was in such pain, but I told myself, after visiting a friend, that I should go home, have a bite to eat...everything was packed, all I could find was some cheese and ham in the fridge and a bag of cinnamon rolls that my son's friend brought me a couple of days ago. I felt so awful I thought about going to the ER, but there's nothing they can do about the situation but admit me and I have a life to rebuild. You never know if they'll let you go once you've been a pysch patient. I can do without being locked up.

Today I managed to locate a bowl, cold cereal and a wooden spoon! And my coffee and the filters. And for dinner, homemade chili beans followed by some fruit I got and put in the fridge. It's amazing how much less fussy one is when one is really, really hungry. I have pop and beer in the fridge too.

But I'm all alone in this place now. It's weird and disturbing. I will feel so much better when I'm on the road. I have about ten people in this city who will miss me, and that's enough to make a big difference. I can reach out by phone or internet to a bunch of other SF fans all over the world, and then there are you lovely people on this Forum.


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## skeallzy

So it sounds like you're going to be headed for Rocket's tomorrow, I think? Safe trip and a QUICK trip to the DMV for the new tags!
Please do keep me updated by phone if you can. 
You may want to reconsider the camping thing, though. There are a BUNCH of awesome camping spots in Northwest Arkansas from what I hear, and I think we're an hour or so from Devil's Den?
Let me know when to expect you and I'll see about having a home-cooked meal and maybe some brownies waiting for you


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## moustress

The decision not to camp is partly because of the furry cargo and mostly because I'm so tired out and wobbly. There have been times when I swear my heart was going to burst, or maybe, more likely, actually, my abdominal aorta. the scrips I take make me a little wobbly, but don;t affect my abilities to drive safely.

It seems like forever since I said I was leaving this house. Nothing has worked out. There is still a lot of stuff laying around in the front yard. the boulevard, and the inside of the house is just disturbing. The cleaning lady did some stuff I didn
t want her to do, but I didn't tell her not to do them either...like putting two bags of garbage with refuse from the frisge in the living room on the wood floor. It took me a couple of days to figure out where the smell was coming from, and icky liquid had pooled under the bags...I really didn't need to have to clean up after the cleaning lady.

Todqy has been a busy day. Too busy. I dont wqnt to even talk about it right now. I am trying to get out of here, and it looks like I may have to wait until Tuesday. I want to be here when the POD gets picked up, and I want to stuff some soft items inbetween a few of the things to prevent damage by vibrations and shaking I was so careful with the packing at the start, but as I ired and bruised I got sloppy. I shouldn't make such a big deal out of things. I should just lock it up after putting in the final couple of items and get my new tabs and pack up the meeces and.....I might get out of here by 3 or 4om tomorrow at the earliest, but I can't push myself too hard or I'll just end up bruised and bloody again. Getting old sucks almost more than anything else in the world. Or at least that's how I feel.


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## skeallzy

Take your time, hon. We'll be here when you get here.  Before the 24th is preferred though, because that's when quarantine starts for the Tulsa show  But it sounds like, even if you left Tuesday or Wednesday, you'd still make it well before that.


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## moustress

Tomorrow morning. Wee hours if I can't sleep. Didn't sleep well last night. Woke up at anhour way too early for comfort, but couldn
t get back to sleep even with a little extra something. I'm so keyed up. I spent a few hours noodling on the laptop, drank coffee and nibbled cereal, then decided to go do the things I needed to do like get my new tabs; I got new plates this year! then to the spermarket, the bank, and home.

I boiled some eggs for the road (the meeces love egg) as they travel well. I bought some travel food yesterday, bars and small bottles of milk, bread. I'll pick up something to have the bread with when I stop for more water.

I am going to bring some extra equipmemt; I'll be loading that and my suitcase tonight. The mousies will be the last thing to go in the car, and then I'll be motoring down the road. I wish I could leave today. If my discomfort level at being here doesn't allow me to sleep, I may leave at night....I dhould look into where the cheap rooms are along the way. I'd rather not have to stop if I can help it, but I need a good night's sleep. being here alone is creepy, with the trashy inside and stff piled outside. I hate leaving it like that. Also have to do a few little things to the POD, Like use the rest of my old clothes to stuff here and there...

I'm, sick of dealing with the mangement people. I can only do so much. I'm going to make sure they can't get into my side of the double bungalow while I'm gone, as I plan to be back here in about ten days. I have stuff I don't want to lose. Silly, maybe, but there yo go. On the way home I might visit a town or two and check out rentals.

This is the plan; it's not carved in stone, but I will beat the quarantine deadline, I promise.


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## skeallzy

Sounds like you'll feel much better when you've got some mileage between you and that place <3
Be safe!


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## moustress

Oh Lord, I'm stuck in Lodi again....

...Rock Falls, Ill. I had such a hard time yesterday getting out the door, and short on sleep like so often these days.


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## skeallzy

Get some sleep  The update is much appreciated. I can't wait!


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## moustress

I can haz coffee; sucking it p as I type. Wish I cold set it up IV like Hawkeye in Mash with his booze. Today I WILL get to Otsego. Coffee, more coffee, feed and water meeces, most of everything else mostly packed. Eet fud. Iz gud.

Being alive is a complicated thing to continue in my state.


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## moustress

I think my laptop burped and deleted the post I made about 15 minutes ago. The place I was in the last two nights was horrid, but not as horrid as dying in a car accident or getting hauled off to jail or hospital for seeming out of order. I picked the first motel I saw, which was a no-tel motel. And I was booked in the party room which reeked of tobacco and booze. I was very glad that I brought my own bedding. I have seen bed bug bites on a former client, and I don't want any.

It was not secure in any sense of the word, and I suspect there were cameras everywhere. All manner of distressed persons were living there or working there. Ick. And I was pretty icky myself by the time I got into the room in the wee hours of Weds. morning. I'm losing track of what day it is, and I didn't know the name of the town I was in until sometime the next afternoon.

I want to call it an adventure; a story to tell the kiddies somewhere down the line.

I have never been a McDonald's fan, but they have been changing their menu radically. They have a burger with fresh sliced jalapenos in it. Me likey likey. And good coffee plus awesome free wifi.

Since I got lost, I wasted about $125. on room reserved through one of the online discounters. I want to say it was only money;
grrrr.....and then I had to pay to stay at the Napp Inn Icky Motel. No phone, no ice, no coffee anywhere. I hate having to go out for my coffee. Mornings are hard for me.

This place costs about twice the price and is worth three times of the previous bolt hole.

I will speak of the breeder visit and the rehoming I managed at some later time.

Still miserable by fits and turns; getting a decent night's sleep or a sort last night helped with my moods today.

From Sycamore, Illinois I bid you all a good morning.


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## skeallzy

I'm sorry you had to stay in a scuzzy motel  A friend of mine who has a McJob is super excited about that jalapeño burger, lol. It's supposed to be really tasty, but spicy is not a thing I do. Will you be crashing at a hotel tonight or should I have the futon made up for you?


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## moustress

Do you have a nice body bag I would crawl into; I'll zip it up all by myself except for the last inch or so...

This place I'm in is nice, but not nice enough to stay for a week, which is really what I want to do. Not as advertised on their website. I'm going to insist on a comp for one night or a reduction of my bill. The place I was going to stay Tues. night had a train running the rails right across the street. Earplugs are good, but not that good.

I hate being awoken by by sounds of any kind. Maybe birds and crickets....yeah.

Ooh, ooh...I saw a blood moon Tues. night or wee hours Weds. And last night driving through field of corn so incredibly tall as to be scary, I saw fireflies and a couple of fireballs (Perseids).

Sycamore looks like a nice town. I hope I have the energy to get out and look around, may get some lunch. Great big trees. I wish I had brought my digital camera; I think it got packed up.

Maybe I'll buy a new one; the other one is old and cranky, kind of like me.

I pity the next fool who looks at me with tears running down my cheeks and asks if I'm 'all right'.

Worked on practical issues so far this morning; coffee, food for me and mousies, banking, health needs.


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## skeallzy

Sounds like this trip is gonna do you some good. I'm glad you're in a nice town.
Unfortunately, my futon is in the sunroom, which you can totally hear the birds and stuff from, lol.
Do you have an ETA for when you're gonna hit Arkansas so I can have them brownies ready?


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## moustress

We'll work it out. Dont worry.

Tonight I'm in St Louis. Third time through, and nothing really good ever happens. This time I was basically sleepless last night, or rather two night ago, as it is in the wee hours as I write. I did OK getting into St Louis, but it was raining and getting dark as I got into town, and there was a series of midtakes that had me driving in circles for nearly 2 hours, maybe a little more.

I am ensconced at a Quality Inn near the airport. I'm tempted to pack all the mice with me somehow and fly th rest of the way.
If I am too tired tomorrow, I may stay another night. I hate burning cash like this, but this trip is necessary to my spirit. I have had some really bood things happen.

Today I saw a sifn for Funk's Grove in Illinois. that is the title of an album by a local musician who I admire a great deal. She had a band of that name, and it was world class stuff. I wish I had her music with me; the place was mysterious and beautiful. An old church maintained and open to the public, a graveyard going back to 1824, which is very early for those parts. I spent at least an hour wandering around the grounds, stopped several times to pray, wept a little, signed the guest register, and left feeling better and different. It was an early Methodist Church, rife with Masons. Masonric ritual weirds me out completely. I understand a little too well what it is all about. *shiver*

Anyway, I will roll with the punches, and hopefully I will be up and out of here at noon, or maybe one pm. I'll keep you posted.
I am so looking forward to meeting you guys. A day or two of rest is required at some point again before I head back to the mess I have to deal with in Mpls.


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## moustress

Mission delayed. Me no haz sleep. I knew there was going to be an all-nighter some time in August or September. Staying put for now; not safe to drive.
Loks like Monday will see me back on the road.


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## skeallzy

Pardon the language, but you're probably gonna want to get the hell out of the St Louis area. Idk if you're aware of what's going on over there in Ferguson, because you've been on the road for the worst of it, but other countries have war correspondents over there. They're tear gassing kids and senators, arresting and/or firing ballistic beanbags and rubber bullets at clergy and press, it's BAD. They've made the whole area a no fly zone for anything at an altitude lower than a commercial plane because supposedly shots were fired at a helicopter. Supposedly, there's no more rioting, but the protests are still getting tear gassed, etc.

Be careful. <3


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## moustress

Yeah, I have been following this on TV and on the internet. Part of me is drawn to the conflict; I never participated in any of the ruckus back in the late 60's, we did have riots in Minneapolis; I graduated from HS in 1970. I did see the aftermath. A whole neighborhood suffered incredible loss, and the sight of burned ot buildings shocked me to my core. This time around I feel like I want to stand with these people in this city and surrender myself to Goddess and pray with the people.

The closest I came to addressing the issues was making sure that, when a black boy was transferred from the Chicago area to my high school in Anoka, Minnesota, I made sure to sit next to him so I could let him know he had a friend. The only black girl in school had a family that had come north via the Underground Railroad, and I did a research paper on the history of racism in Anoka County. My teacher didn't like the idea, tried to talk me out of it, but I did it anyway. The things I found were shocking.

I am sore again this morning, and here at the hotel, I told them at the front desk that I didn't know where I parked my car. I was gong to pack some of my stuff last night, but got too sore hunting for the car, and ended up bringing my stuff back to my room. It's clear that I have stress-related health issues as well as other physical problems. I have about 3 1/2 hours until I need to be out of here; 1 hour in which to clothe myself and go to get my free breakfast next door, and about 4 hours drive time to Fayetteville. I will get there...these days I don't know how to estimate time for anything. There's something about anxiety that destroys time sense.

So, I'm moving slowly, but I am coming. I need to take a nice, short, almost too hot bath to loosen up my joints before I do anything else.

Regarding where I stay when I'm there, it is hot and humid, and I can't take it without AC. IF you don't have AC, please let me kow as soon as possible so I can find a room somewhere. I;m hoping to be able to hang out with one or two of you guys. I only have about 20 of my babies left; and [part of says, "Go back to Mpls" and huddle there until I feel ready to pack up my camping gear and retreat into the woods. I can't do that when I have meeces with me, and I can't do that if it's too hot and humid.

When I get back to Mpls. I need to see a doctor becase I think I;m showing signs of osteoporosis. I don't know what 's going on with my aging bod.
Weren't we Earthlings supposed to have our flying cars and rejuvenation treatments this century? I wanna go live on Mars! the Moon, or failing those, L5.

BTW, I have brought my precious classical guitar along. I can't play a lot, buy I do love a good music event/party. Any thoughts on that?


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## skeallzy

I'll pm you


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## moustress

I'm having a great time. It would have been nice to have a phone number or an address. I don't bite; at least, not very often. And not very hard. (Usually) :?


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## moustress

This redistribution of wealth is trickier than I thought.


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## moustress

Oh, what fun  it is to ride the tides of contentment and smile...


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## moustress

Well, I've been back in the shack for nine days now, sorting, packing, cleaning....all by myself, and I have been resigned to that. It's a holiday weekend and people are busy. I got two responses to my Event posting on Facebook, so I have one person coming today for an hour, and James will be here tomorrow. It looks like a lot of stuff to be done, aggravated by rain putting a halt to things at the POD, but that's what i need to do most, as the POD people are supposed to take the POD away sometime tomorrow.

I have only about 10% left to move out of the basement; most of it is junk and extraneous mousewares.

I can clean at night, so that's not a problem. I am moving forward with the thought that every problem is an opportunity to find a really cool solution.

I want to keep my chairs, so I'll be trying to fit them in somewhere in the POD or in someone else's place.


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## moustress

Sometimes life just plain sucks.

I paid a bunch of money to keep my car going; I've let the money dribble through my fingers and now I need public assistance from the county. Today I discovered that the firm I had hired to help me apply for disability payments dropped the case.

Wasting no time, I looked around and found another firm to do the work. I also called the county and sent them an email, and if I don't hear from them by phone or email tomorrow morning, I'm going down in person to apply for emergency assistance.

Something weird is going on with me neurologically; my legs don't seem to want to hold me up consistently. I stumble and almost fall, generally catch myself before any real injury occurs. The injury to my confidence, however, is real.

The POD has been removed from the front yard and it feels really weird and desolate to be in this place all by myself with only my cuddlebuddy, Bud, for company. I was quite despondent for awhile earlier, but I made myself cook dinner and eat. Sometimes I think I get low blood sugar and that pulls me into feeling really sad and upset at a time when I'm already stressed out. I'm hoping for a nice, long night's sleep; the last few nights worth of sleep have been a bit too short.


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## moustress

My new doctor signed me up to get an MRI of my brain yesterday, which was also my 62nd birthday. I got a call about three hours later asking me to see her today regarding the brain scan. I am apprehensive, to say the least. I'm hoping that my new location once I've cleared out of the house won't be a hospital.

I'd felt that there was something wrong ever since the first time Nate hit me back in October 2012. I have had problems controlling emotional outbursts and I have felt off balance physically ever since August 2013. I thought that the emotional part of it was from stress and anxiety, and I've often had problems with physical balance and stability. I felt that I had enough health problems that it was probably just more of those, and didn't say anything to a doctor until a couple of weeks ago.

I told my therapist that I had asked my new doctor for a referral to a psychiatrist, and she informed me that they had finally found a psychiatrist for her clinic. It turns out to be the same one that I saw once for myself in December 2011, and I suggested that Nate see him when his insurance ran out in 2012. He's erudite and somewhat charming, but I would not trust him because he stated in his report of my visit that I was "overly concerned with my health", a typically old school attitude. There are more substantial reasons not to trust him, but I wouldn't go into that in the Forum. The point is that I wouldn't see him again no matter what.


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## moustress

The management company reinstated the original contract. This is the first thing that's gone right for me in about a month. I'm literally scraping the bottom of the barrel financially. Now I can get my struts on the my beloved old Toyota Corolla replaced if I want to; it doesn't handle well as it is right now.

I have a week of cleaning to do; most of the stuff is ready to go out the door. I have had nibbles on the bike and the power shovel. The rest of it is no big deal; one truckload should do it. the cleaning will be a lot of work, but but I can handle it. Wash woodwork, floors, counters, clean out fridge and clean oven (that might be quite a job), spot clean a couple of areas of the carpet upstairs...all very doable.

Over the weekend, I rethought my change of heart regarding moving out of the city. I've been thinking about#2 too much, and feeling like I really need to see him. Moving away will remove that from the list of things I could do; feelings don't just go away because you signed some papers. Maybe I will have that sojourn camping in the woods after all. that may depend on what the neurosurgeon finds in the new MRI I'm having done next week. If I need surgery, the University of Minnesota is about the best place around for that, and the doctor I'm seeing there is young, fresh out of residency, and knows all the newer surgical techniques.


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## moustress

My coffee was just starting to brew yesterday morning when the electricity went out. I called Xcel Energy and found out that is was for nonpayment, which was a surprise to me since I had received no bills and no cut off notice. They said that Nate had asked that the service be shut off back in May. I am puzzled by that, to be sure, as that was four months ago. They also said no payment had been made on the account since May, and I have four payments to them listed in my bank account.

I ordered to have the service restarted and that happened at about 11 am this morning. I had already made myself my morning coffee 'by hand'. Yesterday there was plenty of cleaning that could be accomplished by daylight, and I did have a flashlight and a couple of utility candles I got at the hardware store along with what must be my fourth set of hex keys (the others are all in storage). I guessed right on which kind to get. Then as night set in I went to a friend's place to nuke my dinner and charge up my phone and computer and go online for a bit.

My arms are tired from using a dust wand to get down all the cobwebs in the joists down in the basement. I'm so glad to get that done; I get a bit dizzy sometimes when I reach overhead and tip my head back. After trying to repeat the cleaning of the other part of the basement floor with a garden hose, I found that the second drain in the basement wasn't draining, and had to bail water for ten minutes. I'll leave the sticker Ron the Sewer Rat always puts up when he comes to clean out the drains. I hardly think it worth my while to spend money on that myself at this point.

I've been bringing stuff to a thrift store and also to a friend's place, and the upstairs is nearly empty now except for my stuff in the kitchen and bedroom. I might not need a truck to remove the rest of the stuff. I think a van might do the job just fine.

It took me a half a year, but I think I am mentally and emotionally ready to get on with my life. this is not saying that I won't still see my therapist; it will be sometime, I think, before I recover from all the heartbreak that has occurred over the last couple of years.


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## moustress

I'm still working on the cleaning out part of this deal. Most of the stuff is out of the basement, and I'll clean the rest of the floor down there tomorrow. There will be no problem fitting all the rest of the stuff that needs to be thrown out or donated in the truck, as I didn't reserve in a timely fashion, and I ended up with a 17 ft. truck. that's bigger than I've driven before, so it'll be interesting.

I don't think I'll be able to back it into my driveway; I plan on staging stuff at the end of the driveway and just parking the truck in the alley while I load.

I have a lot of garden and yard implements that I'm going to put out tomorrow, along with some other stuff, with sign saying "FREE STUFF". I'm going to carefully thin the lilies and the peonies and pack the roots in vermiculite. Wish I could take the rosebush; it's the first one I ever had that I didn't kill off before the next spring.

It's exciting and nerve wracking to consider leaving here for good. It's even more nerve wracking to consider my next MRI and the meeting after with the neurosurgeon. I've been been invited to come to Winnipeg and stay for a month, and I'd like to leave here and head directly there if possible.

Bud is showing signs of age, and I may just cull him before I take off on the road again. That would be sad, but that's the way it is with meeces. I'd be completely mouseless for the first time in 17 years. It may be time for me to be without furry friends for awhile.

I wrote a song, or at least part of it, tonight. Oops, it's morning now; 12:11 am.


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## moustress

Geeze I was tired after driving 450 miles; my butt was sore and my legs stiff. I didn't make it in time to see the ballet with Elizabeth, but I found the house OK. I was pleased and surprised to find that Max was still living here. I dropped him at the airport the day before I left in June. He was flying off for a job interview; he ended up back here with a job in town.

He heard me quietly crying and came out and offered help which I gratefully accepted. He carried my stuff up from the car, lent an ear to my complaints, got me a glass of water, and later made me some herbal tea. He's a really nice guy, and I so much needed to be coddled a little by the time I got here.

The keys to the house were turned over to the mgmt. people about 5 pm Tuesday night with much relief at that time. I cleaned the tar out of that place, and I have the worn down fingernails and cracked cuticles to show for it. I wanted to be proud of my home even as I Ieft it to them. Instead of finding a way to dispose of one and a half bags of ready mix cement, I mixed it and poured into the sinkhole that keeps falling in down in the garage. I figured if I have to handle this heavy stuff, I might as well put it where it belongs. The hole will continue to fall in unless something is done to amend the drainage and do something about the natural water feature that I am sure is under the basement floor.

Anyway, it's done and I'm no longer almost broke, and I'm in a place where people accept me, and don't judge me, and where I am welcome for weeks instead of just one night. I want to spend a couple of days being sedentary (really not so sedentary; I'm on the third floor) and letting my fingies heal up. Cracked skin in the fingertips hurt a lot, along with cracked and bleeding cuticles and quicks. Owie! For the first few hours of my trip they hurt more than my right hip, although the right hip caught up later on.

There was no call regarding the second MRI I had done, which means there were no new findings to report, which is a bit of a relief. I still have problems with keeping my balance when standing, but I will have repeat MRI's to discover if My Little Tumor is aiming to become My Medium Sized Tumor. I keep telling it that there are better places to be, better things to embody as flesh, like maybe a cat's brain. In the meanwhile I'm taking the stairs carefully and holding onto the rail firmly.

I've done the business of terminating the utility accounts, transferring money into my account to pay the final bills, and letting James know I made here in one piece. Now I get my much needed rest. I feel at peace in this house and this will help me heal.


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## moustress

My stay here has been, if not quite idyllic, very relaxing. I had been weeping quite a bit for days up until yesterday, but I note that the timbre of my crying is just that, weeping, and not strained and wretched gut deep physically exhausting screeching until blind or half dead distress like I have been seized by so often in the last two years. I think I have been finally able to do healthy mourning for what I've lost in spates of, if not relaxed, then at least normal venting of tears, quiet sobbing, and much blowing of the nose.

Depression and anxiety are still there, but under control.

The last two days I've been abed after contracting a bad case of book. I had one a few days ago, and relapsed as soon as the sequel was set before me. I will arise from my wretchedness, however when the Canadian Thanksgiving dinner is ready. I do rejoice in it, especially as I did not lift one finger in it's making.

I did take a break from my 'sickbed' to clean out the inside of the Toyota. I found the food I'd packed for the mousie spilled under one of the front seats, and recovered most of that. A visit to a vacuum station is very much needed as there are also aspen shreds all over the passenger side carpet in front. At least that has a nice fresh smell to it, though. It's good to ride in a small vehicle that no longer has the odor of a refuse bin.

I still need to clear out the trunk starting with the guitar stand that I took apart. I have the hardware for it, and then I need to find someone who wants it. I should not have hung onto it, but then, I found it difficult in the final spasm of totally clearing to prioritize what to keep and what to discard. I managed to take another look the next day and got rid of a lot of stuff. I brought all the unopened food items to the food shelf drop off, trashed a lot of other stuff. I got rid of a few other items in the course of my travels, and afterwards was able to see out my rear view mirror once again.

My hosts are most congenial; I was given the master bedroom on the top floor, which is the quietest and has a marvelous memory foam mattress.

We had a little excitement yesterday as the cat managed to spill the tank with Bud in it while I was changing the bed and made off with him briefly. He was unhurt, and still shows no fear of Smudge, who loves to just sit and watch; he would love, no doubt, to take Bud on another whirlwind trip down the stairs and into the kitchen. The couple who own the cat were quite apprehensive that I would be furious, but since I'm the one who put the tank in a spot where it was not as stable thus easier to upset, I was not at all angry with them, but somewhat peeved at myself.

I've pinned down a place to stay while looking for more permanent housing. It's expensive, but it's short term. I did not like driving around the last night I spent in town before coming up here feeling so at loose ends, without a place to go to for the night. It was creepy; I don't like being homeless. But, then, who does?


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## moustress

After leaving at 9 am from Winnipeg, I arrived in Minneapolis in time to pick up my laptop computer at the store. It was more than time for a different one, as I have worn off the letters on the keyboard. That, combined with my losing my grip and giving my first cup of coffee to the laptop Thursday morning, right into the keyboard, and, let me tell you, it put the computer right to sleep after a few sad noises. I dried it out as best I could and waited a couple of days and when I tried to turn it on, it did nothing at all.

It was a bummer, to be sure, as I didn't knock over the coffee. I was holding on to it with one hand, and somehow lost my grip and it just fell. Those kinds of things happen more often now. I don't always have fine motor control anymore, and tend to have trouble with positioning things, or gauging how much effort is needed to effect movement of stuff. I reach for things sometimes and knock them over, and doing stuff is often clumsy and occasionally I just make a big mess or drop things.

The trips both ways were very smooth except that I was taken out of the car both ways at the border. Boring, very boring.

I did achieve progress recovering my composure and calm. I also, for the first time since June, when I last visited them, was able to read a novel. I read about eight or nine of them while I was there. I've just been too wound up, upset, and generally distracted to concentrate. Some time was spent practicing guitar and learning the chords to a couple songs, and working on writing a song.

As I rarely buy new clothing, it was a real treat to shop for a new winter coat. One reason I indulged was that I found a nice pair of boots at a thrift store, and figured they kind of balanced each other out in meeting the budget I had allotted for that purpose.

Dave and Liz are becoming good friends. I will probably visit again in the next few months.


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## moustress

I had quite a busy day today (yesteday, actually); saw my therapist, took my newer laptop out to James' so he could get rid of bloatware, install some good ad blocking, and anti viral programs. He also did something to make the start menu look something like what I had on the old laptop. Now I want to find an older version of Free Cell Solitaire and Spider Solitaire to run on this which is Windows 8.1, without all the damn effects, bright colors, animations, etc etc

Then I went to see a couple of box turtles which proved to be lovely but too expensive. After that I stopped and visited with Margie and family, and then I went back to James' as I had left my cell phone behind. I stopped at a store to buy some more food then headed back to the Microtel. A nice little room for a nice little price; still I can't stay here for more than the twelve days I reserved as it does add up.

I'm looking at a rental down near Whitewater State Park on Thursday. It's in an area that I really like in a small town, and only about 90 min. from Minneapolis. It's an old house with three rooms to rent right in town and only a mile from the park. The town itself has some of the steep hills typical of that area, and on Google Earth it looks to be only a block away from the house. It will be a nice drive if nothing else.

The down side of yesterday was that I am still having problems keeping track of small items like my cellphone, which I left a James' place, and my trackball, which proved to be in a fold of the sheets in my bed, found when I was getting ready to crash. It turned out OK, nothing was truly lost, but it bothers me to be so scatterbrained and lacking in mental and visual perception.

As a result, I ended up driving about 100 miles yesterday. I'm so glad gas prices are much lower than a month ago. Hate the way the lower prices are obtained, but...I don't know; I wish they would not be fracking around to get the fuel.


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## moustress

My horizons are being broadened; I got a bed in a residence/safe house for victims of domestic violence. It's free and that's good. It's noisy, as there are lots of kids, the food is bordering on awful, occasionally truly awful. The staff is overworked but still able to help with things like faxing forms and receiving faxed forms. Tomorrow I talk to some one about subsidized housing, which will take months to get into. James and I may have an interim solution; a friend of a friend has a vacant house to rent cheap, and we will be looking at it next week.

While I'm grateful for being allowed in the shelter, it is noisy, there's no privacy, and there's no web access. There's also a problem with mold in the place, and the less time I spend there the better. Hopefully, James and I will be the house early next week. A lot of change following on lots of changes. It's stressful, but I'm still seeing my therapist and also started seeing another therapist who helps with the practical ends of things like helping me figure out if i an do schooling, or get a job. She also can help with housing if I need it.

My only mousie, Bud, is staying with my best friend, Margie. I visit every night to feed and play with Bud and it's nice to see more of her, too.


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## moustress

I can hardly wait to move into the house we will have for eight months; the volume of voices in the shelter is at times deafening and nerve shattering. Moms bellowing, kids shrieking and yelling...and when I try politely or humorously point out the hilarity of hearing a woman bellow, "Stop yelling!" to her child, my humor is not appreciated.

Today was wasted largely on my forgetting to get my meds as the pharmacy Saturday and having both a largely sleepless night, low mood, and a sinus migraine, and the need to sit around at an ER waiting for someone to give me a scrip for two doses to get me through until I can get my refill. All this and I get to get two more nights at least at the shelter...though I am tempted to take a room at a motel again for a couple of nights as I think I am getting a sinus or ear infection, and I think the mold in the shelter is largely to blame.

The way the place is run makes it look like they have a grant to spend a certain amount of money and are using as little as possible of it and maybe there is something shady going on like skimming...


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## moustress

Well, I have started to move in to the little blurple bunglow. I washed the floor in myroom for the fifth time with a generous application of vinegar solution, which seems to have lessened the doggy smel. No doubt repeated efforts will be needed to eliminate the problem entirely. The owner is not doing as much as I'd like to see her do as quickly as possible; I;ve convinced her that I can help with some of the tearing out of ruined material. The kitchen will be gutted down to the wall studs, and if they are moldy, will need to be coated with a sealant.

I'm struggling again with depression on account of the stress of the last few weeks. Yesterday I did very little in the house that didn't involve taking care of my own needs. I retrieved Bud from my friend's place and bought a microwaye to use in my room so I don't have to spend any more time in the kitchen than absolutely necessary.

There was a problem getting the POD open, as I stuffed a lot of little things in at the end before sending off to the warehouse for storage. When ot was opened I unloaded a lot of stuff on my own, including my queen sized mattress. It wasn't easy but I managed. Oddly, I wasn't sore the next day and I am sore today. Now I'm waiting for the owner to come over so we can talk about prioritizing what needs to be done.


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## moustress

I'm on the fence as to whether or not this place is going to be liveable. I sprayed part of my room with Febreze last night, and that does not seem to have had much, if any, effect. I was taken ill yesterday with pain all over my body. I tried several different remedies before stumbling upon the right one. My digestive system get tied in knots when I'm stressed out. This holiday season is not going to be easy. Staying in this house is not easy, though it is improving, slowly.

I seem to be backsliding as far as maintaining a good mood is concerned. My LJ stalker has popped up again, and that doesn't help. Hi there, 
stalker! I suppose you are reading this as well as the members of this fine forum.

It's hard not to go back in my mind to the year after he ran away the first time when I keep seeing her name and her photo popping up in my review of who comes to try to look at my LJ posts. I asked her nicely to stop, then I told her I considered it harassment. The next day she was there again.

Once, a few moths ago, I asked her why she doesn't just kill be and get it over with. She replied that that would be illegal. Harassment is illegal too. I hate seeing her in that list...she stopped for a while month or more, and I thought that she was done acting like a tumor. I don't have the enrgy to want to get a restraining order against her. I might have to do that in the future, though. I have stayed away from that whole ugly scene for a long time now, and I just don't want to be reminded of all the pain I suffered through. With this brain tumor, I need to feel at peace, keep a calm demeanor.

I also need to be free of those influences so I don't relapse all the way into being suicidal. I'm getting worse now instead of better. Why can't she leave me be?


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## moustress

Still despondent. I feel like everything that I cared about has been stripped from me. I feel that anything I do to try to move forward is pointless. My life has become an empty shell. I wish I could at least feel anger but I don't even feel that. Just pain and loss and grief.

And shame; I should have been smarter the first time I was hit. Now I have permanent damage both physically and mentally. I spent two years believing that things could get better, and they only got worse. All I see from here and now is a pointless effort to continue with a life that feels so compromised that it is more like a prison sentence.

I allowed people to drive me so wild and mad with grief that I lost control and hurt the one I loved. Everyone has a breaking point, though, don't they? A point where it is just too much and the feral instincts put up an unthinking display of savagery. I was defending myself, but I always managed to do that before with out hurting anyone. I failed and I am ashamed.

Still, I struggle to continue, if for nothing else than for my son, and perhaps my first husband, his father. And a few people who act like they care.

Sometimes.


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## moustress

I've gotten back on a more even keel, thankfully. Having James here makes a big difference, and Tuesday I got our three kitties back.

They promptly disappeared into the heating ducts. Mora is still down there but I have custody of the two sisters, Spackle and Grout; they are being kept in my room until the owner an get the duct grills installed. They made a couple of big openings in the main ducts in the basement, and Mora will come out, I would, think when she's hungry. She could be living on wild mice though.

This morning I didn't see Grout in my room until I stuck my head into the closet and spotted her tail sticking out from behind a box. She was really wedged in there; had to back out. She ate some kibble and went back there again. She always has been obsessed with cramming herself into small spaces.


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## moustress

Tired and despondent. Sick. Fed up.


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## moustress

The sinus infection I had appears to have gone away, which is good. Not good was trying the electric stove which the owner said was working. First smoke came off the element, then when I had the pot of bans on it, the drip plate burst into flames. There was nothing in this place that wasn't in dire need of cleaning, and I've been waiting to work on the stove until the basement stair, which opens into the kitchen, has a door to keep out the contaminated air from the moldy basement.

I've mostly been cooking in the microwave I have in my room. It limits me a little but it's better than being sick. I have discovered a few newer products that are great. I especially love the BirdsyeSteamFresh brand of frozen veggies and even better are the Steamfresh with rice, veggies, and the ones with rice and bulgar wheat, plus the ones with rice and wild rice. They go very well with the 4 alarm chili beans I make. *HOT*


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## moustress

James and I went out to a nice restaurant for Thanksgiving dinner. I couldn't bring myself to tackle cleaning that stove. In addition, there was a roof leak and I feel nervous about using a lot of electricity in a room where the circuits may have been compromised by the damage. Sometimes I think that the owner shouldn't be charging us anything. I have done a ton of cleaning in this place, which it desperately needed.

My moods have been mercurial this past week; part of me knows it's better not to have Nate here with me, and the other part is still broken hearted about celebrating the holidays without him. Having my kitties with me helps, though. They love the big picture window in the front room. I got up day before yesterday and opened the hallway door and felt assaulted by the intensity of the sunlight flooding in through there.

I need to start taking better are of paperwork I need to have at hand, and especially paperwork I need to fill out and hand in for financial help, housing, and medical records. I've become terribly sloppy about keeping track of stuff like that.

Today a friend is supposed to come over and help me unload some more stuff out of the POD.


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## moustress

Something that is very important to me went right today.

My internet stalker got up my nose repeatedly with her presence in my Live Journal blog. I told that it upset me to see her picture and name, asked her to stop, and when she continued I informed her that I considered it to be harassment. She opined that nobody would ever call what she did harassment. Then she proceeded to say that she could, if she wished be an invisible onlooker when checking to see if I made and public posts, but she found it amusing to do it this way.

She didn't read the law; it's a matter determined by the plaintiff; did it make me feel unsafe, unhappy, did it cause disruption in my ability to function?

Panic Disorder is a serious condition, and she is a major trigger for that. I haven't made it a secret that I have been seriously suffering from clinical depression and anxiety. It's very debilitating to be suicidal and then have a panic attack. I struggled seriously for about 36 hours to hold on, and I was weighing suicide against Restraining Order. Going downtown and filling out a bunch of forms, making an oath...kind of intimidating for me right about now.

Restraining Order was the victor in that race. I tearfully waited at the area where they help one file for an RO, but as soon as I started filling in the forms, the further I got, especially when I detailed what she did and what she said, I felt part of me returning, something that I lost back in August 2012.

I refuse to act like a helpless victim anymore.

Not only did the judge approve the order, he approved an Ex Parte Order that is in effect as soon as she is served with the papers, which was probably this morning, Dec. 2.

It feels good to start taking out the trash.


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## moustress

It would appear that the Respondent in my harassment complaint doesn't take me seriously. She has jumped out of the frying pan into the fire. Boring as it will be, I will gladly endure sitting waiting at court to hear her try to explain her spiteful, stupid, pointless behavior. She may have violated the order twice already.


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## moustress

Approaching another Christmas and thinking about the poem/rant I put in as my first entry in this thread. Things have stayed the same or gotten worse for poor people since then. That mot assuredly includes me, as I am homeless and mentally ill. My disabled son and I are squatting in a horrid little house, waiting to find a place we can call home.

The whole monetary madness of the season is enough to make me want to puke. I withdrew about four or five years back and we celebrate familly, companionship, friendship, and love with putting up the Christmas tree on Christmas Eve and having some treats after, and a nice dinner on Christmas day. It was such a relief to not to have to think about how much one could spend, and what to spend it on. I've been the kind of person who gets people I love gifts at random times just because I love that person and I find something that would be perfect for them.

So, let me take this opportunity to wish all you mousers a skweeky good holiday season, in whatever manner you find to be good.


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## moustress

My internet stalker has evaded having the papers served on her and continues her objectionable behavior. She is setting herself up for a fal, that's for sure. There's no point trying to reason with her. She is spiteful, mean, and stupid. She wil not look good when she finally gets her day in court.

I finally got around to getting the hard disk out of my poor laptop that OD'd on hot coffee back in October and mounted it in an external bay. and the started recovering stuff and getting it onto my newer laptop. Lots of writings, and a huge number of mousie pix. I did need help getting the right software patch to convince the newer laptop that it owned the stuff off the other drive.


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## moustress

Today was wonderfully low key and without alarm or panic. I think my stalker finally got served the restraining order. Either that or somebody managed to appeal to reason with her, though I count that as pretty unlikely. I shopped online and found some nice full length flannel nighties on clearance and with a coupon, an already great price became irresistible. I love flannel for cold weather. I picked one up tonight at the mall near where I live, and the other is waiting for me at The Mall of America.

I am optimistic that things are going to come together for me so that by the end of January James and will be in a new place with our kitties. My sinuses and ears so not like this house at all.

Next week I am having the first follow-up MRI of My Little Tumor.


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## SarahC

Hope Christmas will be a peaceful affair for you (and me) :ctree


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## moustress

I am hoping to be in Winnipeg, Canada for Christmas with Dave and Liz Clement. I always find their place peaceful and it has helped me start healing the couple of times this year that I visited. Peace has been hard to come by here in the Minneapolis area. I'm optimistic that my internet stalker has the brains to quit harassing me. Today was the first day in a couple of weeks that I haven't felt stressed out to the extreme.

I had a panic attack Friday while driving. I took a wrong turn and ended up someplace that for a little bit that I just didn't recognize. I took a couple of deep breaths and calmed down and told myself I'd just look for the next road sign and then I'd be okay. I hope all this doesn't become a chronic problem.

Have a wonderful solstice and Yuletide.


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## moustress

One of my fundamental values in life is honesty. When someone tells me repeatedly that thy don't know if they can believe what I say, it bothers me a lot. One of my Facebook 'friends' continues to say that she doesn't know what to believe when I tell her things about how Nate treated me over the past few years. She won't accept that I am telling the truth, and doesn't recognize the simple fact that Nate lies frequently both to personal friends and to doctors, and to everyone, I guess. For him, dishonesty is the norm, not the exception, especially when it comes to women for whom he has a romantic interest.

This causes me to feel that I am, in essence, being called a liar; that angers and hurts me. I enjoy her posts on Facebook, for the most part, but I am now thinking that she is provokes more bad feelings and that, since she has shown doubt of my veracity more than once, I should unfriend her.
This seems like a reasonable way to handle the problem; we have wrangled in messages for the last few days, and I am getting wear of her inability to recognize what it means to me to be told "I don't know if what you saying about Nate is true."

People make up their own minds about things that show up in social media. I don't need her to validate my feelings I just want her to stop telling me that, not only does she not want to hear about the hurtful things Nate has said and done to me, and that she doesn't know if I am telling the truth. I find that insulting in the extreme.


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## moustress

I've calmed down a lot since last week. It's good not to feel threatened anymore.

Last night I thought, in detail about the serious beating that Nate gave me in August 2012. I visualized every horrible moment of it starting with the nightmare I had about the woman who later became my internet stalker. That was bad all on it's own. I'd never really realized just how frightening it was and what it felt like to be thrown around and grabbed and banged against the wall, pushed to the ground and stomped on. If James had not gotten downstairs when he did, he would have broken my legs.

I know better than to beat myself up for continuing with him after that; I was already quite bonkers, and hadn't had much therapy to speak of yet at that point. That was one of the bigger mistakes I have made in my life. It would have changed things if I had found a professional ear to hear how I had been treated for the previous year by Nate. I would not have been able to fool myself into thinking that with love and patience we could still have a life together.

Every time things settled down for a week or so he's spark some new unpleasantness by doing or saying something really, really hurtful. He didn't want peace, it seemed. He wanted to be the center of attention one way or the other. Now that I have acknowledged that I dropped the ball taking care of my own mental health and safety, I can see how that contributed to the mess. I was unable to act responsibly, and every area of my life suffered. I was addicted to the relationship and just could not see how pointless my efforts at taking care of him were. He didn't want to be well; he wanted to be noticed and have people fuss over him, one way or another., and I obliged him by taking him back over and over and over.

I'm not well yet, but I am getting better. Stepping mentally through the serious beating has cast a more honest light on my grief for the loss of my home and marriage. I could have been killed on four different occasions had his blows or my falls been just a bit different. I was so out of it that I was not afraid of him, even after that. I swallowed all the anger and fear caused by The War Party and The Church Incident after he came home in August 2012, and tried to get him settled down at home. That was a hopeless cause and I can now admit that nothing I could have done or said would have changed the outcome except for me getting the help I needed before he came back from his first absence.

It amazes me that I can remember the horror of being beaten by him while still feeling deep sorrow and compassion for what he must be going through now. He is a lost soul out of touch with whatever values he lived by, and out of touch with any way of regaining his self respect. I will always love him; I loved him since 1980, when we first dated. But I can never give him that love, because he is simply and plainly unable to receive love and return it.

This holiday season will be so hard, and so unusual for me. I plan to be with friends out of town for a couple of weeks, probably up through New Year's Day, at least. It will be the first time in decades that I haven't been with family of some sort or another. The first time I haven't been with at least one of my kids. I really don't quite know how I will feel about that when the time comes. But change is necessary, and The Bhigg House has a Bhigg Heart, as they say, and I have always felt at home and happy and safe with Dave and Liz.


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## moustress

I may leave town tomorrow night; gas prices are so much lower and I think it would be nice to split the drive time into two days. Driving only three or four hours at a time instead of doing it straight through would be a lot less tiring. My host and hostess got home today and we confirmed my arrival sometime on Dec. 20.

I'm excited, as always, by the prospect of another road trip.

My internet stalker has remained invisible and my sense of panic and impending trouble has largely abated. Being far away from here will be good; being in Winnipeg for a couple of weeks will be great.

I have decided to take Bud with me; he so old, but he seems to travel well, and I would be sad to come back and find he had died while I was gone.


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## SarahC

Hope you have a great road trip a happy Christmas and the new year brings you peace and happiness.


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## moustress

Thanks for the kind thoughts, Sarah. 

I have made it to Winnipeg safely; I need to try to arrive in cities I don't know that well during daylight as I get turned around in the dark and get confused which direction I'm going. I got so close to the neighborhood I needed to find. They have these things printed on paper called maps. I got me one of those. Great things, maps.

Bud appears to have made the journey with no difficulty as well. The only problem with the journey so far is the Check Engine light turned itself on after a stop for gas. I made another stop and put in a quart of oil and checked the radiator. There's only so much one can do on ones own. My hosts have a mechanic they have heard good things about. I'll check on that on Monday. The car did start a little rough after the oil stop, otherwise seems to be working fine.

I hope everyone in the Forum has a great holiday season!


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## moustress

Merry Christmas!!

It really weird being here in Winnipeg on Christmas Eve (actually Christmas morning now) with no family around. These fine folk are so obliging, and don't wonder when I don't feel like talking or even coming out of my room. I've been very moody, tearful on occasions, bit I am looking forward to seeing some more of my Winnipeg friends tomorrow at Christmas dinner.

I availed my self of the gallon of ice cream earlier, it being the universal remedy for a broken heart. Max played something utterly haunting and lovely on the piano while I ate it. Max is a classical pianist of some talent, and it's so cool to hear him play.. I tried studying piano for a few years but didn't have the gift to go beyond the beginnings of dumbed down classical pieces for students. It was an adaptation of The Unfinished Symphony that stopped me cold. I can still play as well as I ever did, which isn't saying much, really.

It's nice not to be frantically getting presents wrapped, and preparing for dinner, and all that stuff.


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## SarahC

it's been my most relaxed Christmas in years.No frantic shopping or house cleaning.Had a few drinks yesterday and watched toy story 3 .Off out with the dogs this morning,not stressing about doing the dinner.Merry Christmas.


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## moustress

America is a weird place where someone who has no home has a car, and computer...the new shelter is past the suburbs and has no room to park m car. So I have asked my cousin Grace to let me park at her place which is a couple of miles away I hate not having access to my car when I want it but the shelter is OK and the food is pretty good. I was hoping to get into a place in Minneapolis that has an opening, but I haven't heard from them yet.

It's stressful moving from place to place, but I'm getting used to it. I loved spending almost three weeks in Canada staying with some friends. I get to talk to my neurosurgeon net week about my tumor, which has grown somewhat. since September. My life is certainly interesting. The shelter I'm at right now is for folks with mental illness who need help but are not sick enough to belong in the hospital.

One thing about my cousin that I don't like is that she so very obviously is prejudiced against folks like me with mental illness. That's so sad. She likes to ask nosy questions and is snide and sarcastic. I haven't had much to do with her for the last forty years and now I'm being reminded of why. Before I called her I thought that I'd almost rather be dipped in shit than ask for help from her, but I got over that. I just need to set firm boundaries with her.

I think she needs to see a shrink herself; all of that side of the family has shown a lot of unpleasant behavior. I don't worry much about folks who have been diagnosed with mental illness. I worry about folks like her who think they are all right but who show a lot of behaviors that scream, "I need help?" When I told my mother, decades ago, that I had been in therapy she exclaimed,"What's the matter with you? Are you crazy?" My eyebrows took turns spocking and I thought to myself,"No, but give me another hour with you and I might be."


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## moustress

I don't want to be the pigeon or the statue, really, but I don't feel like I have a choice. Some things are just so freaking annoying that one feels that one must do something in response.

Maybe some of you have noticed that I haven't posted in a week. There was no internet access at the shelter in Anoka, so that is mostly why. The rest is that I was in an auto accident four days ago. The meds for my sprained neck meant I couldn't safely drive to a place with access such as McD's. My injury (sprained neck) is the type where you hurt in different places every day.

My car is still driveable, though I need to do some field expedient repairs to keep the lights from dangling to much Right now it's legal to drive. I checked with my mechanic to be sure is was also safe to drive. I plan on taking a look at it tomorrow and seeing what can be done with Gorilla Tape and twine. I'd rather use wire, but I have none.

I might get some at Home Depot, depending on the cost. I need a lock for my storage at the new shelter anyway, so I'll check it out. I have met a bunch of interesting people moving around as I have. It's been interesting. My therapist thinks I could be a worker at these places, and I have to say that I feel like I could do it. Whether I want to or not is up in the air until I get situated in a place of my own again.

Personally, I feel stressed by moving around so much; it makes it harder to function and make progress with recovering from my mental illness. I do plan on recovering my mental health; it remains to be seen whether or not that is in the cards for me.

I need to flesh out my gofundme site with some other artworks and photos. I need the money for fixing up my poor Toyota. It runs great and and gets good mileage, and I'd like to keep it that way, but there's only so much damage the car can take and stay safe to drive. I plan on getting an attorney to help me get compensation for the car and for my injuries. I think that the right leg was affected; my right hip and knee are both sorer than usual, and I wonder if the pain in my lower back reflects physical damage or whether it is just stress.

I am visiting at James' place and taking advantage of the whirlpool bath and the internet access. I might spend several afternoons a week here for those purposes.

The place where I am now is weird. It's a building that used to be part of the Anoka State Hospital. The campus has been repurposed, in part, as the County workhouse, and there are several Victorian era buildings that are vacant. My mother used to work there in dietary services until she retired, and I know a couple of people who were committed there back in the day. I plan on being there until about Feb. 10th but I may stay for the whole month of February. The downside of staying that long is that it's a group home and they take the bulk of one's income to cover costs.


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## moustress

For those of you concerned about the accident, I am recovering well. It wasn't a bad sprain. I didn't need the Percoset (sp). I am going to get a personal injury attorney as I am tired to talking to the insurance adjusters, and don't want to talk to the other driver's attorney. It won't cost me anything and it will reduce the level of stress for me.

I moved some of my stuff from a friend's place (so she passes the HUD inspection on her subsidized apartment) over to the house where James is living. My stay at the Stepping Stone has been mixed. They also have mold contamination, but I am going to ask if I can bring my big air cleaner. My fellow homeless women are mostly OK, the problem is that I am in with five youger women, three of which don't seem to like to turn off the lights and/or be quiet after midnight.

We are supposed to be up at 8 am, but I convinced the worker when they did the intake that, as a senior citizen who takes sedating meds at bedtime, I am unlikely to be safe on my feet before 9 AM, and prefer to to given until 10 AM. I have had two negative encounters with the loudest of them, one last night and a short one the night before. The one last night was taken to the office, and I hope I don't find mischief done while I was away doing stuff.

One of the reasons I'm staying is that I was told I would be on a faster track to housing as a senior and as a mental patient. I will have a case manager from Anoka County, something Hennepin County refused to provide. They don't help with housing other than to refer folks to the ones where they dump you out onto the streets at 7 AM.

I believe I can manage the people problems and I can live with the mold, though it will be difficult. Getting into a place of my own is a must. I am tired of bucketing round from place to place.


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## moustress

Things are not as portrayed in Anoka; I don't get a case manager, but I may get help with housing. I am no longer sure if I will stay the month of Feb. I may leave after my psych followup early in the month, though I have no clue where I'll go. I guess it's time to start looking for a cheap room again. Any info would be appreciated. Whether that would give me a financial advantage over Stepping Stones is questionable. I am often deep in thought which leads to anxiety and unhappiness; lacking a feeling of security hurts.

I've shown pix of my meeces and talked about them to a few folks, and one is fascinated, one is repulsed and another one was in a state of disbelief.


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## moustress

The Shelter and I parted without much hardship on Thursday last. I had four or five nights in a row with inadequate sleep combined with daytimes my roomies wanted to sleep after frolicking into the wee hours. I was bad because I was there in my waking hours and I make noise like a living person does. Then I had a mini melt down with one of them, who accused me of trapping her, threatening her...enough was enough. My fellow residents included parolees, other folks with mental illness as well, and a number of tweakers and pill addicts. Tweakers make me nervous. Being accused by an angry person makes me anxious. Being told that I am the problem and should go blew my mind.

There was a lot of ruckus over not much, I packed my stuff after sending the cop away (yes, they did call the cops on me) and trundled on over the James' place. I spent an hour or two sitting on my own mattress, with my three kitties around me, and I was quite pleased for the evening. I did feel a little sore from all the moving and carrying to stuff. The next day my back was worse, getting worse by the hour. After consulting a professional, we agreed that I would try to sleep that night, and if it wasn't better in the morning. I'd go in and get it checked out.

My back spasms were too bad; I couldn't drive myself safely, so I called 911. In the ER, they gave me a pill after a brief exam of the lower back. The pill did nothing but make me feel tired. The continuing spasms meant I would not rest much less sleep, so I agreed to take a Very Strong Drug. It worked like magic, almost. I felt better and continued to feel 'mo-betah' as the time went on. I was released and got a taxi in about ten minutes.

Now I have this bottle of the Very Strong Drug, which I suppose will be useful at some point. I don't have back spasms often, and it's always in times of high stress, and those kind of times show no sign of abating.

Today I did banking and got a new cane; tomorrow I go out to help my oldest friend (since age 13) and maybe stay closer to the clinic I need to be at on Thursday, and maybe another night as I have an appointment in the city on Friday as well.


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## moustress

Last night I moved to a new location yet again; I will be able to stay until the RO hearing occurs in early March. The house is owned by someone I've known for decades and is being remodeled, but it not contaminated with much, if any, mold. They need help with sorting, trashing and tidying of stuff, which is one of the most important parts of fixing up a house so it is functional as well as healthful for human occupation.

I am glad not to have to resort to the overnight shelters. I would have rather stayed in my car than sleep on a mat on the floor with a bunch of strangers.

The arrangement here suits me fine. I need to feel of use wherever I am, and these people are almost like family to me.

On top of that, they have their laundry room upstairs where I am, right across the hall, and is equipped with a Keurig Magical Coffee Creator. The bathroom is within feet of where I sit/sleep. I have a memory foam pad under me on a nice wood floor, and I can stretch out completely and relax.

This old moustress is in a happy place.


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## moustress

"for things are seldom as they seem
and this is wisdom's crown
only the game fish swim upstream
the sensible fish swim down"

Ogden Nash

He was an early favorite of mine; I parodied him for a year or so when I was 11 or 12. Parodying a parody is a bit low I will admit, but you have to start somewhere, i guess. This kind of thing works well for some people, and then there's Weird Al. I wonder if anybody parodies his parodies.

I've been compiling the poetry in my threads on this Forum, trying to make final drafts, and plan on putting together volumes for sale very soon. I still haven't chosen the format or the point of sale. Mostly, I want to have the stuff out there so it doesn't just disappear when I am gone.


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## moustress

Valentine's Day was a somber holiday for me this year. I brightened my aspect by acquiring and screening the entire season 5 of Downton Abbey. This kept my head space free to enjoy my box of chocolates while appreciating the 17 inch wide screen on my newer monster laptop.


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## moustress

This has been a difficult time for me the whole damn time since I got back from my last visit to Winnipeg. I think my first mistake was agreeing to go to a crisis shelter for folks with mental illness. I think it's time for me to focus on something else other than the things that got me into the worst of my depression. My stay at Stepping Stone was a really big mistake; being housed with a bunch of people many of whom were in worse shape than I was did not ultimately prove to be very helpful. I hope the people who run that place have learned something from their dealings with me.

Then, folks started giving me news about people and things I did not want to know about. I hope I have made my desires clear and that 'those people' will understand that in order to let go, I need not to be reminded. It's incomprehensible that they think I'm dangerous (because I defended myself) on the one hand, and keep poking at me on the other. Silly without being at all amusing.

I have had to block a number of people from my social networking sites, and I want to be free of the influences of those who have made my life difficult the last few years. Sometimes I wonder if the troll who anonymously lifted a post of mine in this thread from this Forum in 2012 is still paying attention to what I say here. Probably not, they were trying to somehow embarrass me, and failed. I owned my words because I have integrity.

I am really starting to miss having mousies; a friend in Winnipeg says she wants to have meeces again after not having them since quite young. I am looking forward to my next visit up there very much indeed! I have firmed friendships with a few people and want to continue with others.


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## moustress

Life is a process; my life right now is some kind of convoluted process where one day I feel OK about where I'm staying, and other days when being here in Minneapolis seems too much to bear. It seems as if everyone I talk to tells me everything on their minds, and I feel as if I'm caught up in everyone elses's business and sometimes caught in the middle between a couple of people who have an 'issue' so important they have to both share with me. I hate when that happens. Especially when the people are friends I've known long enough that they are like family to me.

My ability to handle stress of that sort is not always sufficient for it to keep me from feelings of wanting to get away from it all. I need to stay here for about another week, at least, and I don't want another bout of nastiness from a panic attack. Dizziness, nausea, back spasms etc. etc., had me bowing down at the porcelain temple of Ralph and Earl again a couple of days ago.

I am nearly finished packing up and cleaning in the room I have been occupying. The lamp I was using at my bedside wasn't working all the time, and today it crackled, sparked, and I declared it dead. I found a nice pair of milk glass lantern shaped lamps at the thrift store near here. The glass takes up less space than a regular lampshade, which is good as I have many things that I like on my bedside table, and this design interferes less with my reach, and is harder to knock over. It's nice and heavy glass, both the base and the 'shade'.


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## moustress

The hearing over the restraining order against my internet stalker was averted by last minute mediation; I didn't totally freak out, but I was pretty agitated having to be in the same room as her. She did bring her scumbag husband, adding to my discomfort. Why she didn't stop what she was doing when I asked her to last fall is still a mystery. She pretended that she had no understanding of my reactions to her stalking. She agreed to not do to that anymore and signed an agreement stipulating so.

Hopefully I can try to get on with rebuilding my life now; it's time to put her and all the rest of that crew in the past.


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## moustress

I had a productive and busy day today, moving some stuff that was being stored at a friend's place over to the house that my son, James is staying at while he waits to get into subsidized housing. I brought along a few new boxes to repack a huge plastic bin of photo albums and loose photos as the bin was just too heavy. I ended up with one more box after rearranging a container of music odds and ends, and filled the big plastic bin with clothing.

Its really crucial for me to strengthen the new friendships I have formed with those folks in Winnipeg; one thing I need is the company of people who don't judge me based on hearsay and gossip the way I have been judged by so many SF fans here in Minneapolis. More important than that, though, is my need to feel safe in the city in which I live. It remains to be seen whether or not I will ever again feel safe here. I know I will miss a few people, but Winnipeg is only a days drive away.

It was nice seeing my kitties, Spackle and Grout, and James' kitty Mora. I took James' grocery shopping; we got a rotisserie chicken to bring home for dinner. I'm not sure how much longer he will be at that house, but I need to get my stuff all packed for moving so he can deal with it if his move occurs while I'm visiting my friends in Winnipeg. I hope to stay up there for four or five weeks this time. I have planned well in advance not to be in town during Minicon, which is Easter weekend. I didn't feel safe the last time I attended.

After unloading the stuff from my friend's closet, I picked up two sets of the steel wire shelving that I used in my mousery. They are going to a friend for use in her kitchen.


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## moustress

I am feeling frustrated by my continued grief over all the stuff that has happened the last few years. It's been a year since Nate left for good, but in many ways I am still stuck. Am I getting better? Why did I cry for hours yesterday? Is it just having to go to court and see Lydy face to face that has me feeling relapsed into a dysfunctional wreck?

I need to heal but a substantial portion of my heart screams,"I'll never be free of loving that poor sick bastard!" while my mind twists around and tells me how much I miss his arms around me; wanting that nourishment of being held even if it's poisoned. Why am I still wanting what I know is bad for me? When will it be over for me?

This is not a healthy train of thought; I need to keep busy planning my next trip out of town. There's got to be some happiness out there somewhere for me.


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## moustress

One wakeup and I'm on the road again. Driving lost distances can be very freeing. It's helps me clear my mind. My mind very badly needs to be cleared; it is all gunked up with tears and crud. Out damn crud! I throw you on the road and drive away. Hah!

Can you tell I'm looking forward to getting on the road?


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## moustress

I have arrived with no incident in Winnipeg; a cautionary warning from my dashboard said 'Check engine' so I did. Can't see anything amiss. Hope I don't have a problem down the line a bit.

It's wonderful to be back in this house. I am so lucky to have such accepting friends, and I consider at a wild and unlikely priviledge to share a house with a fabulous classical pianist by the name of Maximillian Fleischman. Max is a genuine treasure in my eyes. He is moody and prickly, and doesn't take compliments well, and we will probably never really be friends, but I had to tell him how his openhearted gift of music on Christmas Eve has been the one truly unsullied happiness I've returned to in my mind the past three months. It makes me happy to think of it.

He not only knows how to play well, he also knows why to play. He lifted me up and got me back into the moment, and it was magical and now I think I might have a wee crush on the man. He's only 18 yrs. my junior....jeeze, I'm a highly sexed cougar who hasn't been laid in almost a year...I must try to be good and not alienate him. I'll be here a whole month this time. No rush.

No matter what happens, I will never forget his playing Warum by Schumann for me on Christmas Eve, 2014.


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## moustress

This visit was so essential to helping me find a path to stability. I hope I am shedding my harshness in favor of empathy. I still get weirdly cross over imagined slights and become quarrelsome and demanding. I'm pretty sure that is anxiety at work and I want to stop acting like that. There is nobody in this house towards which I should have the slightest bit of ire.

Being here is so freeing that I need to remember not to let my mental illness ride me into dead-end nastiness. I am looking at myself and assessing to see how I can be a better person. These people in this house cause me to want to be a better person because they are generally so exceptionally good themselves. I must not let anxiety induced anger allow any trespass on their spheres.

On a lighter note, I am having a great time with Elizabeth; I went out to a play a couple of nights ago. Live theatre is so engrossing to me as I had worked plays in pretty much all capacities in school. I get drawn in by the details of set, lighting, blocking, wardrobe, and probably miss some of the tasty interactions in dialogue. Maybe I should go see this one again It talked about the scale of time and space, examining how we experience these dimensions depending on how we feel. It was almost more dance than drama; the blocking was very nice, and several of the performers were obviously highly trained dancers.

On the downside, it was too long for one act. It needs to be pared down and sped up. It was about and hour and a half, and needs to be cut by at least twenty minutes.

I don't know if you look at my poetry threads 'words for change' and 'nightshade journals', but I have been writing quite a bit, and need to edit and finalize a few things and get them in here for people to read. I am engrossed in my music as well, learned a new song which required learning another new chord. I am getting to know Kylea better, and I think we are nto be good friends. We went to thrift stores yesterday evening and then she inquired if I would be totally bored stopping at a bead and rock shop. Ha!! I could spend hours gazing at crystals and other little thingumies. I got a dragonfly, a dragon, and some tiny coins that are modeled after Chinese coins of the type that are sold for use in oracular readings from the I Ching.


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## moustress

My stay here so far has been quite remarkable. I've attached my affections to someone new. It's pretty safe, as it's someone I know I can never be with, I'm almost certain. I'm not quite in love, but I am quite fascinated with someone. It's good to blot out the thoughts about ex.

I hope the poem in my new blog, 'instant', shows my change of attitude. I was so angry and sorrowful for so long, and while those things are still at play within me, they have been joined by joy and hope and celebration.

Last night I went to a concert at The West End Cultural Center in Winnipeg with one of my hosts, Dave Clement, who is a fine musician in his own right. It was a group called The Once, two guys and a gal with, I swear, the biggest truest female voice I have ever heard. The concert is the first public event I've attended in a long, long time. I was a bit overwhelmed, but only wept a little, and enjoyed almost every second of the show.

The front man was joking about songs they would do supporting romance and next song trashing romance I muttered, "F--- romance! I want to get laid." Well, the guy sitting next to me heard that; when I had first arrived and sat down, I saw he had a dark ale that he was slurping, and the concert was about to start, and I said, "Oh, they sell beer!" He reached under his seat and pulled out another of the same, handed it to me and I proclaimed"Miracle!"

I thought to myself, "Hmmm. Cute, just happened to have an extra beer..." then, after the first song, he told me I could buy him another one at the break. Then he mentioned his wife. I thought "Not single, not buying me a beer, WAH!!" I wept silently for just a couple of minutes.

And I haven't told you guys for a long, long time how much I love you! :loveyou


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## WoodWitch

Felt good reading that :love1 :love1 :love1


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## moustress

WW: It was more than about time I try to be positive and hope it shows and becomes real. A lot of the time I feel OK, especially when I'm here at The Bhigg House. Today Ive been alone all day, except for the cat, and only felt a little down briefly for a couple of minutes. I went out, did some grocery shopping.

I love the smell of the new snow that fell overnight, and the air quality here is so much better than in the Minneapolis/St Paul area that I cana open the windows even when it is the 0's C. The third floor gets overheated, and I can't get to the radiator without plowing through a bunch of boxes, guitar cases, drums....it all works out.

I've had the seeds of my recovery ripening since about August of last year, and this is the season for growth.

Spring was always greatly anticipated when I was a youngster, as I longed to go out in the woods and do a census on the wildflowers near where we lived. It was an interesting area to live in, as it transitioned from walking dunes to peat bogs, with stream and lakes everywhere.

Just five miles north of us you started to see eskers and sandstone domes; I found young rock rattlers in some exposed layers of sandstone once while I was a teen, brought them to my biology teacher. He nearly plotzed (Yiddish) when he realized that were actually. a bunch of poisonous baby snakes. They were so cute!


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## moustress

I've been in Winnipeg for four weeks now and I've been feeling stressed for the last five days. Being left alone with someone who doesn't even say 'hi' back makes me feel bad. I told Liz that it felt creepy while they were gone for Minicon and she said nothing. I was tempted to pack up and leave days ago. It has aggravated my anxiety with the result that I am not sleeping well and and that all by itself can cause the bod to revolt. It didn't help being told that someone else's weird behavior was seen as my fault.

If Max really wanted to be alone for piano practice he should have closed the frackin' doors to the hall and the dining room, and used it as a private practice room. Closed doors are easy to understand. He bounded up the stairs the first Friday he was here, and I was happy to hear someone was back in the house; I told him I was glad he was back, and he said he wanted to practice piano. I asked if it was OK to come listen, he said yes, then, after I sat down he wanted me to move so he couldn't see me. I found this galling and hurtful. I didn't ask him to follow me upstairs after I became tearful. Apparently I am responsible for that as well.

I was told that "he is a fragile talent" and that I should leave him alone. Frack that! I am NOT chopped liver!

Liz and Dave were gone for six days for Minicon; being here in Winnipeg was supposed to be a good way to keep me from freaking out while the con was on; I'm not as despondent as I was last year at this time, but it's still hard, specially when folks keep putting up pictures on Facebook and/or telling me stuff I don't want to hear about. I have been plain about not wanting news about my ex.

I was feeling really fragile yesterday, and had an anxiety attack in the supermarket; thank goodness it didn't bloom into a panic attack. I felt confused, frightened and very, very unhappy.

I am working on being more composed and not freaking unless froken to; with anxiety, that is not easy or simple. I try to remember to do things that make me feel good about my life. It's a balancing act, to be sure, for example, I find that playing my guitar makes me feel better, but playing for more than about twenty minutes causes my hands to hurt. It's galling to have to stop when I'm having a good time.

ps I love the spell check list for 'froken'.


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## moustress

I made it back to Minneapolis/St. Paul just fine today. I am all hopped up on caffeine and am enjoying an evening at my son's place where my kitties are living currently. The trip was uneventful for the most part except for the very last little bit where I was witness to a sundown rear end collision.

Winnipeg was fine for the most part. The guy I like up there has turned out to be a nut job. I have to readjust my radar. We had a bit of friction, though, mostly it was him being whiney to my hostess. If I end up living there it will be weird, but now I know that he and I need to keep our distance from one another. He comforted me when I was upset and then freaked out about it later.

Other than that, my visit was really great! I won't let Max's bizarre behavior ruin any of the fun and good times I have had or will have in that house. I am all hopped up on caffeine and am enjoying an evening with my son, who is taking care of my kitties.


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## moustress

After leaving James' place on Sunday I stayed with my friend Deb so I didn't have to drive through an hours worth of rush hour traffic for a doctor's appointment. Then I packed up and got back on the road. I am now in Sioux Falls, South Dakota. It was a lovely drive; I stayed off the freeways for almost all the trip and it was just lovely. Lots of farms and small towns with things greening up after the rain we got Sunday evening.

I'm visiting with my friend Howie and his wife; he was the physics teacher at Anoka Senior High. I didn't take his class, but his room was a popular place to hang out. He hosted the photography club and often had kids after school to make up or redo work in order to get a better grade. I spent a fair amount of time just talking with him. My home life was pretty weird verging on scary and I didn't like to be there any more than I had to; he meant so much to me and still does after 45 years.


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## moustress

I'm in South Dakota and it is warm and humid; I was thinking of camping, but I'm going to wait until after I'm done in the Twin Cities and go for a couple of weeks farther north. I'm equipped for just about any kind of weather short of dead of winter. All I need are a few food supplies that don't need to be cooked; I love cooking over a wood fire, but the smoke is bad for my sinuses, so cooking will be limited to breakfasts. I have my cowboy coffeepot and an old skillet, a foldable grille for over the fire, a few select implements and firestarting supplies. Oh and a small spade and a coping saw. I really don't want to cut wood but I will if I need to.

At this point in my life, once I have my morning coffee and a light breakfast, everything else that day is negotiable.

I spent about 15 min. doing a little more field expedient body repair with my sledgehammer and some Gorilla Tape. I'm thinking of getting some double sided Gorilla Tape for an interior piece that is hanging loose. It annoys me by catching the right window flap in the front, and wind whistles through somewhere in there, which I have to plug first. I need a second person to help find the leaks, though.

The accident I had in January resulted in no suits, no tickets, no problems other than the slightly sprained neck and damage to the bumpers, fender and lights. I still have a bit of patching to do on the signals in the front. The neck hurt sometimes before the accident as did the upper back, so I can't really complain too much.

Funny how a 16 year old Toyota Corolla could total a $45,000. giant SUV. That big old thing stopped my car square and absorbed the impact as its rear drivers side wheel scrunched and the rear axle buckled. Weird.


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## moustress

Rain convinced me that 12 days roughing it in the woods was enough. Oh, what a time I had!

I found a county park about a hour away from Minneapolis that offered free camping sites. It's the High Island Creek Sibley County Park.The camping area is nice enough; a canopy of old growth that felt like being in a green cathedral. The real sights were in the ravine cut by the creek as the glaciers melted in southern Minnesota umpteen thousand years ago. They have made a nice wide access into the ravine, but a lot of the people who come bring their horses and there are a number of different access points for those folk. I prbbly could make it up and down, but why bother. My first trip into the bottom I took a horse trail, being unaware of the nice wide path. I took it back up; it was steep and long enough to have me huffing and puffing, taking several rests along the way.

On the weekend, I shared the park with five different parties of people and horses (and one mule). I fell in love with this blue roan, who is a lot shorter than the other horses, and I thought it was beautiful. the owner tells me it's a walker. I was interested to see horse trailers that include space for people to sleep. There were about twelve horses in the park on Saturday and Sunday. An interesting respite from solitude indeed!


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The time spent in the woods was very therapeutic; waking to sunshine and birds, lazy afternoons lounging in the sun, all the mundane tasks of taking care of fuel for the fire, making a cooking fire, heating water for cleaning, and so forth kept me occupied enough that I rarely thought about other times. I realized after a week of this that I had not wept once while out there. Walking in the woods was very important to me as a child and as a teen, and getting this part of myself back makes me very happy. Very Happy: there are two words I wouldn't have predicted I'd write ever again! And I remember camping with Nate; he would have spoiled the serenity completely were he with me. Learning to enjoy stuff on my own again takes me closer to what I feel I should be at this stage.

I'd still be there if the weather hadn't turned drizzly then very windy, then thunderstormy. I wadded up the tent and groundcloth in a sheet of plastic and threw it into the car. It's drying in the living room in Maplewood and the tarp is on the porch. Getting up without coffee and decamping made me growl, but that first cup of coffee at the first McDonald's I passed on my way back to Minneapolis was divine!

These first six pics were taken on my first day in the park.


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These pics were taken one week later:


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These pics show how the leaves emerged after a week in the park:


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## moustress

When I checked out Facebook this morning, I saw that James' cat, Mora showed up meowing under his window last night. I jumped up out of bed and went to see her. She is demonstrably glad to be back. She is unusually attentive to me and is now in my bed which is unusual for her. She got out three nights ago, and it has been rainy much of the time, and it got down to 39F last night. I had been calling for her several times a day, and now she's back!


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## moustress

Why just moving always be backbreaking? James is in his new apartment, and I am staying to help him unpack and get set up. He has a mild developmental problem, and I believe in family members supporting one another instead of relying on outside agencies for everything. My therapist thinks otherwise, says I need to concentrate on taking caring of myself, but that's OK. I don't need to have her approval to do what I think is right.

I went back today briefly to clean up odds and ends and tonight I am going to try to set up shelving for his things.


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## moustress

Back from camping at High Island Creek; I was there for 10 days. Now that the weather is warm the place gets about a dozen horse trailers every weekend. I've gotten used to the smell of horse and I'm enjoying seeing all the different kinds. Another trio of the Tennessee walkers was there today. I love them. They are very delicate looking with a smooth tapered neck and a narrow head that is very curvy and has lovely nostrils and big eyes. I wonder about the weight load they can bear. They are a little shorter than quarter horses; the musculature is subtle. They are reputed to be very mellow and easy to handle.

The County Sheriff sent someone to talk to me about my stays at the park. They had said nothing about a limit but on this last visit they said the maximum stay was 10 days; I had planned on staying through Saturday night, but rain was forecast for that night and the following morning. I was airing out my sleeping bag and getting ready to fold up the tent when we had a little preview of that with big fat warm raindrops that had me scurrying to get the sleeping bag stuffed into the front of the Toyota and the tent into the back. The rain lasted about six or seven minutes and I didn't need a coat as it was quite summery. Everything was packed up after that with no incident.

I am moving my household goods to a much cheaper storage space some time this week. The new place has more room for me to sort out the stuff I want to sell or give away. I'd like to set up my worktable and photograph my collection of glassware so I can sell it on Ebay or some other site.


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## moustress

I returned to Minneapolis yesterday after spending six days as a 'dispersed camper' in a Minnesota State Forest. What this means is I find a State Forest, and find a spot to camp. No amenities. The spot I chose was not far from a developed Recreation Area, with a vault toilet. My campsite was right by a spring fed stream babbling merrily over rocks and sand. It got hot enough one day that I put on a swimsuit and immersed myself in the very, very cold stream. Very bracing; I did it a second time a few hours later. The water was so clean that I might have used it for drinking and fixing food, but I decided to err on the side of caution and only used it for washing dishes and myself, after heating it over a fire.

The recreation area was on the other side of the stream, and consisted of trails for all sorts of outdoor activities ranging from horse trails to cross country skiing. There were hiking trails, but it was quite rainy and there is a layer of clay exposed in some areas that made hiking difficult. My site had a view of the stream and the old growth deciduous forest. It was lovely, though I have to say I had forgotten just how noisy an undisturbed forest can be.

Camping is proving very good for my mental state. I finally firmed up my plan to get my stuff out of the POD into a much cheaper space that has room for me to sort out stuff; I need money more than I need a great many of the things in storage. The simple fact that I am now able to address practicalities of this nature shows that I am slowing getting back on track mentally. It has made me feel somewhat anxious, but I was able to get myself to make the calls to the three different businesses involved, after pricing space and helpers to do the work. It will save me a significant amount of money starting pretty much right away.


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## moustress

My front brakes started making noise almost as soon as I had cemented the plans for getting my stuff out of the POD into cheaper storage. I'm going to stick with my plans for that even though it means I will not have the money to fix the car right away. I'm going to try to borrow the money for fixing the car and just put it off for a bit until I have the necessary funds. I hoped to not need a repair until I had another one or two months under the savings from the move. *sigh*

My anxiety level has risen, first from making myself follow through with the arrangements for the move, and now fearing that I might lose use of my automobile. I also opened up an emotional can of worms by finally going to knock on the door of someone I had tried to reach a dozen times in the last 14 months since Nate left. Howard Kranz is the other songwriter for whom I produced an album, and working with him on a couple of concerts, Nate and me and him felt like one voice. It engendered a kind of closeness between the three of us. Seeing him meant also having that former closeness brought into the forefront, and I had waited this long so I would have the strength to bear that.

At this point I am still not sure whether greater contact with him will do me any good. He, of course, has never seen the side of Nate that I had to deal with for the last few years, and doesn't get it about just how freaking cruel he was to me. I may have to keep my distance as I simply cannot deal with anyone who seems to be weighing my every word to see if I am speaking honestly. At this point in my life, I need undiluted support if I am to move forward with life. I hope we can reach an understanding, as I do not want to lose him as a friend or a musical associate.

I still don't have a very good supply of emotional reserve to deal with stresses like this. The last couple of weeks I have been trying not to let things get me down just because of Howard's doubts about my veracity. I never have been the sort of person who has a lot of friends. I have values and standards, and I prefer to have a few friends with whom I can have a deep understanding and mutual trust. This means that I value the few friends that I have at any given time very highly indeed.


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## moustress

An old friend from high school has agreed to lend me some money to fix the car; it was a tense day after the other friend who had offered to help called back and told me she wouldn't be able to help me afte all. I was about to freak out but I remembered the other person who really hasn't been a part of my life for decades, and he agreed immediately interrupting my tearful protests that"I am a good person; I pay friends back as quickly as possible."

My best friend gets to tell me over and over again that"Yes, you DID pay me back the $25. you borrowed back in 1983." I don't remember repaying her, and I have to be sure...

Anyway, my other friend helped me out, so there is hope that my car will soon be fixed.


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## moustress

The transfer of stuff from POD to cheaper storage place has been completed; I absolutely hated driving my car with the brakes making all kinds of noise and getting worse by the hour. But my fears of being hit with a huge repair bill on my Toyota were unfounded. It was just the pads and rotors that needed replacing. I am so glad to have a mechanic that I can trust!

I was very stressed out by dealing with both of these things; the thought of losing use of my car really had me freaked. I still plan on going back to the woods, probably starting tomorrow, though there's a chance that I might leave later today. I guess I dealt with the stress well enough.


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## moustress

I'm back after two full weeks at Hay Creek. The weather was mostly fine; it was hot enough for me to bathe in the creek most days. I have made a few friends in the area, and I may camp on someone's property next to the creek when I go back there. I did a lot of hiking, and took a fair number of pictures, some of which will find their way into this thread in the next day or two.

Two weeks of primitive camping is the max that I can take, I think. I was ready to get back to running water, expecially the hot stuff in a deep ball and claw tub. Ahhhh! Heavenly!

I will report at length soon.


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## moustress

Here's my campsite seen from across Hay Creek, with my old Toyota parked near the road.


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These past two weeks were spent in an idyllic setting an hour from the Twin Cities of St. Paul and Minneapolis. Hay Creek is located about five miles southwest of Rd Wing Minnesota. The creek is quite long, passing through several counties before emptying into the MIssissippi River. Spring fed, it is crystal clear, shallow, and is known as one of the best trout streams in the country. The surrounding area has trails for all kinds of activities meandering and crossing one another under old growth deciduous forest.

The state forest allows camping without a daily fee, though it has no improvements, and all camping is primitive style with no running water outside of the stream itself. It is a unit of the Robert Dorer Memorial Hardwood Forest, which has eleven units sprinkled about the southeast corner of the state.

It's not well publicized, and I searched for an entry point for hours then called the Department of Natural Resources and got detailed driving instructions to find the access point at Hay Creek. I had looked at a lot of locations and when I found my destination I was overjoyed to find one of the most lovely spots in which to camp that I have ever seen. There were many sightings of wildlife, and I have never seen so many different kinds of butterflies anywhere else in Minnesota.

The banks of the creek had been cleared to get rid of buckthorn and other invasive species, and replanted with wheat grass and other native plants and trees. The water in the creek is cold, clear, and pure. On hot days, it provided an easy cool down. Five minutes in it kept me cool for several hours. I'd have used it for drinking water had I a filter to remove the sand particles. It was delicious. I used it for washing, and I even washed my clothes in it. There were exposed slabs of limestone that were perfect for beating my clothes. You cannot get that kind of freshness out of a bottle. Dried spread out on the grasses, the smell was divine. It did not do a very good job of getting out stains and ground in dirt however.

I learned that people are not used to seeing a woman dressed in stained clothing in a state forest. My attitude is that, if you manage to stay clean while camping, you are not doing it right. I explained that you could tell how much fun I was having by the state of my clothes and shoes. More dirt = more fun.

I was questioned as to how it was that could set up camp where there was no campground. I explained the program called dispersed camping to a local police officer. He didn't know the rules, but I brought him up to speed as politely and respectfully as I could manage. My son and my best friend wondered if I felt safe camping by myself which I was not, at all. I feel more fearful in a supermarket parking lot in the city then I did out there.

Camping alone has been a great relief to my depression and anxiety. I find the rhythms of rising, making a fire to have hot coffee, collecting dead fall for fueling the next fires or two, cutting it, building the fire for lunch completely engrossing and very satisfying. At night, I slept in my tent, completely at peace and quite tired from the days activities.

It has been a healing force at a time when I am rebuilding my shattered life.When I was younger I spent a lot of time in the woods, and getting that part of me back on track. It is necessary that I reclaim those parts of my life before all the troubles of the past few years. Grief, loss and pain nearly killed me; I struggled with suicidal impulses, immobilized by searing self blame and doubt for about a year. I went to therapy twice a week for five months to keep me alive and out of the hospital. If what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, I am now a female Hercules.

It's starting to come back together again, piece by piece. Writing has been a major force in venting and explaining to myself what happened and how to proceed in finding future that is liveable. I suspect that I will need professional help for the rest of my life because of the outrageous things that I experienced at the hands of my ex-husband and a handful of his cronies.

I very much want to do new pictures, but that muse is not coming forward as I'd like. It'll happen, given that I allow myself the slack I need.

It was about a quarter mile walk over to the other side of the road where there were two slabs of limestone exposed, one at a 15 degree angle and the other flat, both of which were useful in getting in and out of the water, filling jugs, doing laundry (yes, pounding the clothes on the rock!). The angled one had a beautiful two foot long fossil of a ribbed tube shaped critter. I now wish I had taken a picture, as I want to find out just what it is. Oh, I looked it up and it is what I thought; a really big straight cephalopod from the Paleozoic era

A local person through whose property the creek runs has offered to let me camp on her land when I get back. I'll check it out and see if that's desirable. She has two little kids, and I value my solitude and privacy, as well as my peace and quiet.

I saw some interesting wildlife this time. I saw a whitetailed deer doe with twin fawns, and there were little bunnies all over the place, as the second litters of the year were born right around the time I got back there two weeks ago, and they were not allowed to nurse anymore.

One night I heard something flop on the entry mat of the tent. At first I thought it was one of the moles, but then I would have heard a quick ZIP as it disappeared. I crouched to see what it was and there was a nice big toad. I caught it and held until it calmed down and started enjoying the warmth of my hand. The night was punctuated by their bass croaking. They are really loud!

I had not camped in a season or location to see fireflies for decades until this trip.

One morning, while I was waiting for the water for my coffee to boil a full grown racoon came out and sat directly opposite me on the far bank of the creek and stood on it's hind legs and stared at me for five to ten minutes. I thought, "As soon as I leave to get more water from the creek it will be into my cooler"

I left, came back and she was resting her head on her paws and sitting still, watching me. She shuffled on down to the waters edge and into the the higher greenery and that was that.


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## SarahC

It looks a wonderful setting.I love camping.I'd like to be a female hercules to.


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## moustress

Sarah, the grass looks good enough to eat and almost makes me wish I was an herbivore.

Written wen I was 13:

You cut the grass
It grows again
It never seems
To mind the pain

Some day I hope
It comes to pass
That I might be
Just like the grass

I'm not sure that this isn't an early indication of anxiety and depression or if it's a good thought and shows a precocious sort of wisdom. Maybe it's both. :?:


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## moustress

Here are some more pictures of the forest and stream at Hay Creek.

Sunset


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Wildflowers


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Old growth forest


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Spring fed stream


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Big old cottonwood tree


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Bath, laundry, swimming....c-c-c-cold! :shock:


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Milkweed in bloom


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## moustress

vTwo neat things about my third trip to Hay Creek. There were hummingbirds feeding on wildflowers right in front of where I pitched my tent! The other neat thing is the reemergence of my muse of drawing. I have a nice sketch of the flowers in my new sketch book.

Having moved farther away from the road, I set up my tent in a spot where there were a stand of a wildflower that may be a form of wild phlox. They grow about 18 inches high. My first day there I heard a loud buzzing and thought it was a great bit fuzzy bumblebee, but when I looked around I saw a really big thing that looked like it might be a huge dragonfly. Then it shifted so I could see its back. Hummingbird! I'm not sure of the variety, but it appeared iridescent greenish blue on the back and red gold on the belly., with a bright red throat.

There were at least two pair of them. I witnesses a brief skirmish as one bird drove the other away from the flowers. They came to the stand of flowers at all times of the day even after sundown. One night I was settling into my tent when I heard the buzz very close to my tent. I quietly unzipped the flap and was treated to the sight of a hummingbird about 18 inches from my nose.

I tuned my senses to recognize the distinct hum, and saw them every single day I was there! I also saw a bald eagle and a golden eagle as they circled over the area riding thermals. Toads hung around my tent while the lantern was on and attracting insects. I could hear them right next to me through the wall of the tent.

One night I felt something move under my pillow; I lifted the pillow, then the sleeping bag and pad, and the motion had stopped. When I felt it again, I peeled up the bedding again and pounded on the hump in the ground with my fist. The lump was flattened, I I was able to sleep. It was probably a mole. I could hear them at night as well, chittering and scuffling under the tarp.

The baby bunnies were nearly full grown now, and were everywhere. I also spotted trout fry in the stream. I would not have stayed as long as I did were it not for the creek, as I do not tolerate heat and humidity well. The water is so clear there, and my site was on the creek flats where there was a sand bar and a nice easy access point to get into the water.

Camping loses it's charm when the temperature and dewpoint get this high. the mosquitoes are a factor as well. The greenery by the creek has become quite dense and high, giving them lots of places to lurk. My campsite had great shade from about noon on, and when there was no breeze, the onslaught was too much for me.

Fortunately, this was not really a problem for the first week or so. I moved farther away from the dirt road this time to a spot where there was easy access to get into the creek and cool off. I will probably not go out again until September when the temps come down a bit and the skeeters are not so prevalent.

Pictures at ten.


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## moustress

This week has been way too hard. My car was towed a couple of days ago, which canceled out the saings from the storage switch. Today I found that my guitar was stolen. IT was an old Yamaha classical guitar, a model that is no longer made. The case was new and it held a set of new strings, a tuner, a capo and couple other widgets. I am heartbroken as it is the one thing I rely on when I need to cancel anxiety and depression.

I thought my student guitar woul do for awhile, but my luthier told me it needs major work and it would not be worth the money.

My playing and singing were becoming increasingly important to me. I don't know what to do now. I just can't afford to look for even a used guitar right now, not after the charges for getting my car out of the impound lot.


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## moustress

Ahhh!  Out of Minneapolis and settled in up at the Bhigg House in Winnipeg. Dave and Liz have become very dear to me in the last year. The trip was uneventful with the exception of the Check Engine light on the dashboard. I checked the oil before leaving added some, and then, right after crossing into Canada from Minnesota, the dang screwball light comes on. The Oil light doesn't work, so I have assumed that this is another false alarm. On the other hand, I got 30 mpg. out of my decrepit old 2000 Toyota Corolla.

Tomorrow we are going to Flin Flon to the family summer house for two weeks. That will be the northernmost place in Canada that I will have visited.

I am already shopping to replace my Yamaha G85 Classical guitar. I won't have the money for a couple of weeks, but this is the first time in 46 years that I haven't had a guitar to play.


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## Zamwyn

Sorry to hear about your stolen guitar, moustress. Have anxiety issues myself and know how crucial the things relieving it can be. Best of luck findig a new one that you like that you can buy as soon as you can afford it!


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## moustress

Thanks for your words of support, Zamwyn.


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## moustress

Right now I am bummed out that my son spent the money he was going to use to pay me back. This debt goes back to James when he spent a large lump of cash I had left him to use for my first months rent and deposit if he found an apartment for the two of us. His computer needed some parts, and spent it on that. It's going to be hard now to shop for a replacement for my guitar.

This is a hard time of the year for me; August 2012 and 2013 were both horrible and 2014 not much better. I did not need another thing to feel bad about. The loss of my guitar is hard; I was looking forward to shopping to replace it with great anticipation. Dave has let me play his wonderful new Takamine, but the steel strings are too hard to play much with the osteoarthritis in my hands.

I had a good time at the lake, and was going to shop for a guitar when we were back in Winnipeg. Now I am feeling let down and depressed. I try to maintain a cheerful demeanor, but my moods are still fragile. The axe was one thing I could rely on to help me escape from anxiety and depression.

Now I just want to curl into a ball and disappear.


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## moustress

After shopping online yesterday I am sure that I will not easily find a Yamaha G85 to replace the one stolen, but I will probably be able to find a nice enough classical guitar at a price I can afford even after finding out I was not going to be repaid the money I was owed.

There is the hope that I might find my guitar at a pawnshop when I get back to Mpls.


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## moustress

Doris, our hostess, and sister of my hostess in Winnipeg shows me a kind of berry I had not known about. Honeyberries! Very tart and sweet!


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Little Apathetic Cow (I can't remember the actual name, but it sounds like that... :? )


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My campsite.


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The end of the point is Strawberry Island. It's the top of a stone dome, a common feature in this area of far northern Manitoba, Canada. This one is largely underwater.


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I was fascinated with Strawberry Island


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Elizabeth and David, my hosts in Winnipeg.


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## Zamwyn

Lovely pictures, it looks so very serene. Keeping fingers crossed you'll have some luck at a pawnshop and manage to find a suitable and affordable guitar!


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## moustress

Thanks for the kind thoughts.


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## moustress

The month of August will probably always have a bit of discomfort for me; the memories of just how far my ex was willing to go to get back at me for the imagined abuse and conrol I exercized over him sting, but I think I am over the worst of it. Here's why I say that:

While at Lake Athapapa...Apathetic Cow...*erg*...I talked about the Church Incident, and then had a flashback where I felt the horror and fear I felt when Nate just stood there watching while I was grabbed by two men and dragged into a little room. It was immediate and full in scope; I felt that I was reliving the scene, and this was the first time I was able to access that memory with full fidelity. I felt safe enough to really remember and review the scariest thing that has ever happened to me in the Church Incident.

No, it wasn't pleasant, but I now have an image to hold up in front of my mind's eye whenever I start to have warm fuzzy thought about him. My horror as he just stood there, watching, doing nothing, as I was hauled away from embracing him.

Yesterday I was displeased and a little shocked finding my LJ stalker was back, but after some thought I have decided that I simply do not give a frack any more about what that woman does or says. Its OVER peeps! He is a psychopath and his cronies are sociopaths, at the very least. then I dealt with finding my internet stalker had returned to her old tricks. I was upset for a while, but as the day wore on, I realized that I really don't give a frack what lydy does or says anymore. Sucks to be her; instant karma will find her. She toxifies herself and will reap what she sows.

I woke Thursday feeling energized, and that matter had me tied up for awhile, but I got back to the drawing board (literally) and did another sketch of Strawberry Island.


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## moustress

My head has been going through some interesting changes in the last week. As the statute of limitations passed on the War Party and the Church Incident, I felt agitated and upset, not sure if it was the right choice. Then my internet stalker showed up in my LJ. I was upset and shocked to see her name and picture there, and told her she should stop doing it again...and maybe she should apologize...and then later I messaged her telling her that I really did'nt give a damn what she did anymore.

Letting go of anger is a big step for me; I think it's the beginning of some serious healing. I feel less and less aggrieved over all that's happened the last three years, and I'm not even sure that I feel love for my ex anymore. At least not the way I had at the beginning of our relationship, and certainly not the broken hearted yearning and fear for the last few years.

I'm looking forward to getting back into camping in a week or two; I'll be back in Minneapolis next week, I have some business to take care of, and then I am packing up my easel and camping stuff and going back to the woods. I've finished two drawings while here in Winnipeg and started on several more versions of Strawberry Island, and I want to get back into watercolors.

Another piece of business will be checking out used guitars and finding one that suits me. I have been playing one of Dave's steel string guitars, but I can't do that every day as it's hard on my hands.


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## SarahC

sounds mostly positive.I love the camping snapshots and stories.


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## moustress

Geeze, there were a lot of typos in that last post! I was exhausted yesterday after getting up at 7:45 AM so I could go to a thrift store about 45 min away from here. I found a little wooden folding table to use while camping and a couple of other things. Liz, Sandy, and I also had a bite of breakfast at a cafe/bakery near the store and we stopped at a farmers' market on the way home. Sandy picked up a big zucchini at the thrift store, oddly enough, and had us over for dinner. She stuffed half the zucchini; it was yummy!


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## moustress

I arrived back in the Twin Cities just about rush hour and found myself shifting my route from one construction impacted and congested route to another as I entered the cities. The trip from Winnipeg itself was fine. My weird old car played the 'Check Engine' game again coming on shortly before I entered Canada and not turning off until after I left Canada. I know it's just attention seeking behavior, and in the future I will try to ignore it.

The car got between 30 to 35 mpg on the trip.

Last night I felt a little bit of panic as I tried to fall asleep, but I changed what I was thinking and shut it down.


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## Zamwyn

Controlling one's way of thinking isn't an easy feat to learn and may take a lifetime to master, but I've learned the hard way it's essential for dealing with anxiety. Very well done on managing to shut it down, moustress!


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## moustress

Thanks for your support. 

While on my way home I thought ,"I'm going home," and tried not to let the negatives take over. This city has been my home all my adult life, and I want to keep it that way. I felt fine last night falling to sleep. I need to remind myself that I CAN feel fine about being in my hometown.

Changing one's mind is very hard work, and needs to be done repeatedly and consistently, with allowances made for taking the old 'one step forward two steps back' in stride without condemning one's weaknesses.

Yesterday I bought a nice classical acoustic guitar at a pawn shop. The case is a bit too big, but I think I can sell it for enough to get a new tuner. In the meantime I do well enough tuning by ear, as long as I am just playing by myself. I think it's a relatively new line of guitars; Jasmine, made by Takamine, it has a solid cedar top, a thinner neck and a slightly slimmer fingerboard, both of which make it a little easier to play in some respects.


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## moustress

I was adversely affected by someone's toxic behavior yesterday. I went to visit at the home where my old girl cats were adopted and the guy who lives there totally lost his temper after finding he had missed the second delivery attempt of a registered piece of mail. He bellowed at the top of his lungs both at me and his poor old mother who is staying there while she gets the plumbing on her house fixed.

This scare the kitties and made them run and hide and it also scared me. Having anger directed at me (especially when i had nothing to do with the cause of the anger) upsets me. I had not cried in a few weeks,; but this did it. I felt upset, and on the verge of panic. I left the house and went to the library to print some stuff that I had wanted to do on his machine. I was so shaky and tearful that I couldn't concentrate on what I was doing. Fortunately, James agreed to let me pick him up and take him to the library, and I STILL forgot to make the copies I needed.

My moods are still pretty fragile and this has made me question whether or not I want to make Minneapolis my home. I had been feeling much better the last couple of weeks, and hadn't cried in that time. At least I managed to focus on what I needed to do well enough to stave off a full blown panic attack.

My guitar helped me last night as I was still feeling shaky and a bit tearful. I don't handle anger directed at me at all well.


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## moustress

Now that the weather has cooled off I plan on heading back to the woods tomorrow. I have my easel and supplies and I hope to do some serious painting while there. I'm going to try taking a look at High Island again; I suspect that I will not stay there, as they do not remove the horse manure nor is there a vault for disposal. It all just gets pushed to the side of the road or the ravine depending on which side the trailers are near.

I failed to find my water color paper and brushes. I only had two good watercolor brushes, though, so buying some new ones makes sense. Good watercolor paper, though, is very expensive and I will probably buy only a few sheets at a time. Need mixing trays and containers for rinse water as well. That's another reason to check out High Island; the art supplies in St Peter at Gustavus Adolphus College bookstore were really cheap. They are only a ten minute drive from High Island. I did get my portable easel and found my roll of drafting tape while rooting around in my storage space yesterday.

I'm now on the waiting list for the subsidized apartment tower that James has lived at since May 15. It's an interesting location, right on the edge of downtown Minneapolis. The 24 hour security guards are really good at ' their job. Visitors have to sign in; I saw someone who didn't live here who had not signed in and was prevented from getting on an elevator in the lobby just last evening. I feel very safe here.


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## moustress

It turned out that I was tired out enough by all the mundane chores almost all centered around cooking fuel, cooking cleaning up that I never did any art on this last leg of camping. I was bummed from the start that someone had dumped garbage on the site I camped at last time. The weather was pretty good the first week and then the rains started. I spent a lot of time reading in my tent and when I got tired of that I deployed The Kitchen Towel of Death and went after the flies that sought shelter from the rain in my tent. *SNAP!*

A local guy came by on Monday and told me the weather was going to be rainy for two straight days so I started hauling stuff to the car yesterday. Then it started to drizzle and that went on for several hours. When it stopped the mosquitoes became very aggressively obnoxious to the extent that I ended up wearing my heavy denim jacket. It got hot and I sweated so that my hair was wet. Just as I packed the last few things in the car I noticed that I had a flat tire. The last items were leaning against the car blocking the view of that tire. *grrrrr*

By the time I drove out just far enough to get cell phone coverage I was sweat-soaked and on the verge of heat exhaustion. It took a couple of hours to get the service I needed. Having to unload everything the trunk to get to the spare was just frosting on the cake. Today I have to empty it again to get the tire out to see if my service station can fix it.

I was good to get back to my son's place where I took a nice long hot shower.

The day was not a total bummer though. the guy who came to tell me about the weather came back and brought me a pint of freshly picked raspberries! They are my favorite fruit and I don't get them often as they are quite pricey. I commented that it was late in the season for raspberries and learned that he grew a heritage variety that bore twice a year once in spring and again in early autumn.


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## moustress

Having found out that my claim for aid from the county had been closed, I armed myself with pieces of paper and went to the office near here. I had a hard time at the library getting the stuff I needed printed as I tend to whenever I try to use unfamiliar software and machines. My anxiety was high, and I just barely avoided a panic attack. I just couldn't focus properly, kept losing the window I needed or getting up to go to the printer and not remembering which of the several dozen computers I was using; I thought someone had stolen my flash drive at one point. I finally was told that my session was just about over and I should go upstairs to one of the machines that gives you an hour when you log on. This, I thought, was hurtful and rude. The guy should have helped me finish what I needed to get done.

Anxiety is horrible and gets in the way of getting things done, and some people treat me as if I was somehow offensive by getting teary eyed and shaky. Then I had trouble finding the right bus stop. I went the the county assistance office and when I was done there I went to catch my bus. It puled up to the stop for about a half a second giving me no chance to board. I caught up to the bus on foot a block away, but the dam driver wouldn't let me on. I ended up walking about a mile back to James' apartment building.

At least now I have money to get food with.


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## moustress

This is my depression:

Depression settles over me like all the dust I ever cleaned off of everything. It saps my will to move meaningfully. Yes, I do think people are talking about me. I've been ripped open and exposed to an acid bath of defamation. Sometimes I just don't care what happens to me. Any little thing that goes wrong could be the the last straw before I dissolve completely in the concentration of caustic thoughts and feelings. I feel them out there. I know someone wants me to suffer. I died for love a million times in the last few years, and then I had to defend myself when I can barely lift my head some days. Physical pain is intolerable and I wail like an infant from the least injury. I am carrying too large a burden, and my arms are so tired. Sometimes I just want someone to hold me and tell me it will be alright. But a lot of the time there is no one there. I am tired of reaching for help. I want to give up, but then, they will say "It's for the best, don't you think? She was no good for anything. We're better off without her."


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## moustress

My plan of action against depression:

My happiness should be a priority; guilt tripping over things I couldn't have accomplished must stop. I did the best I could and still got condemned for trying. I'm a good person; I need to be good to myself. This means cultivating my abilities and finding joy. Joy is the best fuel for moving forward with my life. Life is unlikely; the fact that I am alive in and of itself is a cause for celebration. My constituent chemicals could have been nonsentient life. The fact of my existence and my ability to recognize that is a freakin' miracle. Who cares if times are rough? OK, I care, but I don't surrender.


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## WoodWitch

:thumbuo :thumbuo :thumbuo


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## moustress

"Why don't you just go kill yourself?"

These words were flung at me when I was already down in the depths of depression and trying to find my way out of an anxiety attack. This is another thing I need to keep in my mind's eye whenever I feel that I have lost something in being banned from several months of MnStf meetings almost two years ago and kept from attending Minicon (SFcon) in 2014. I haven't gone to a meeting or convention since then, largely because I have found them boring and tiresome, and later, I found them terrifying because the of some of the people that were there.

A part of me wants to go to a MnStf meeting just to show myself that I can still hold my head high among those folks, but a bigger part tells me that it would be pointless and boring. My nature is to confront my fears in order to vanquish them. But I have to be frank about my feelings and hold back for another year or two until I am stronger and the whole frackin' scenario carries less significance.

I just don't like being told that I'm not good enough to mingle with the folks who have been harrying me for the last three years. I am good enough to know that it would cause some discomfort for a few people and one of those would be me.


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## moustress

It was 39F when I fired up the laptop this morning. I am mostly looking forward to the next two weeks of camping. I am thinking of setting up my my small tent as I think it might be warmer that the big dome tent as it has less space and no 'windows', I am taking my other sleeping bag which is cleaner having been used mostly indoors.

I need to have my tent farther from the creek this time as, with the cold and the damp, it will be enough trouble lighting a fire when I am sleepy and chilly. Really looking forward to some serious stargazing which is another thing the little tent will be good for. It'll be fun setting it up as I only did it twice a couple of years ago just to see how much work it was. It's assymetrical, something the instructions neither show nor mention.


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## moustress

So, I'm back in a previously used camp spot of mine and the old guy who visited me last time around shows up with MORE RASPBERRIES!!! Can never have too many of those things.

I guess he sees that I have purchased firewood and states, " What are you doing that for. I have tons of wood up at my place."

This sounds like an invitation to drive up that lovely paved driveway that I have been curious about for months. Beautiful big pines and landscaping; house so far up the hill that it is hidden from sight.

The next day, the old guy comes around carrying armloads of well aged nicely cut wood. Old guy throws the wood to the ground, then set himself down, and proceeds to chuck three or four pieces of the wood onto my campfire (saying, "..let's have some warmth..") which was built for cooking, not for warmth.

See, I just sit and watch, and when he's goes, I proceed to rearrange the fire to my needs.

The next day, he shows up again and asks, "Do you need more wood yet?" I tell him that he all but invited me to raid his woodpile. He laughs and says, "Oh, you could visit." I ask "So if I drove up your driveway past the security system, you won't call the police on me". He laughs again and says, "No, I won't call the police on you."


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## moustress

I can't afford to get better and get a job.

Right now I am poor and will remain so for some time. I have health care through the State of Minnesota, and I just received an award letter so I will be getting Social Security disability every month. I also receive some SNAP benefits (Supplemental Nutrition Assistance Program).

It occurred to me months ago that my medical coverage is worth more than I was earning before I became disabled. There's a weird sense that maybe I can't afford to get better, or can't afford to get a job.

For now, I am content to receive benefits, and I don't anticipate becoming well enough to work in the near future. The thing that bothers me is that I might still be well enough to work if I had been able to get coverage back when I was employed. My job as a PCA did not have an option for health care coverage or any other benefit for that matter. It was the most rewarding job I ever had, and I would still be doing it if I could.

I'm not going to kick and scream; I will find contentment in retirement and try to provide my muses with plenty of opportunities for expression, while keeping in mind the fact that I am contributing by sharing my artistic, musical, and literary gifts. It's the best I can do for now.


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## moustress

Wow. I failed to note the turn of my luck this week.

Monday I got online and checked my bank accounts and found that in addition to my monthly Social Security deposit I had another from them that was bigger. I was suspicious as clients of mine have gotten caught up short by spending the lump sum and later finding out it was given in error and they have to pay it back in rather large chunks out of their regular monthly benefit. For some folks, this is disastrous. I made three or four calls trying to get information but ended up waiting until the next day when the award letter stating that my disability had been certified and I would receive an increased amount from now on.

The same day I had an interview with management of the apartment building my son lives in in which I was told that I have been accepted and will have an apartment of my own before the year is out. After so much crappy luck, I am breathless and a bit giddy about it all. There is an element of sadness in the fact that I will be settling in to a place on my own. This was never what I wanted, but at least I will have a place for the winter.

I'm hoping to spend a few weeks in Winnipeg in the meantime, as I won't get a place until Nov. 15 at the earliest. First, though, I need to get my car checked out for winter driving. I had thought about giving up owning a car when this one gets too rickety, and sometimes I look at it and feel that pieces are going to start shedding left and right, but it still hangs together Gets good mileage. What more does one expect from an old beat up thing like my 2000 Toyota Corolla?

I had a real brainfart and took my car to my mechanic yesterday to complain that three of the windows would not roll when the switch was pressed. Turned out that I had accidentally locked the windows, with a button I scarcely know is there, but I must have locked it by accident. The dashboard brake light indicator has gone bye bye along with the oil indicator and the selection dial for the heating and cooling system.

My health has been weird; I think I no longer need meds for HBP as I registered 90/60 and 102/60. or maybe it's something else. I'm going to stop by my clinic and see if I can just get a blood pressure check without an appointment. Those readings are much lower than typical for me, so there is probably some kind of a problem. Jeeze, what an old whiny bag of bones I have become!


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## moustress

The story of Ben Stefani was interrupted by something...

The old guy at the Hay Creek camp site left after dropping a big load of firewood for me, and assured me that if I drove up his lovely asphalt coated driveway that had sparked my interest since the road at that point is gravel, left me wondering. I engaged that wonder two days later and showed up at his home. There was no answer either at the house and no one was in the pole shed. As I drove back to the road, I saw him walking out of the corn fields on the other side of the road. I asked him if he was taking up farming to fill his days as a retiree.

He invited me up to his house, and it was quite lovely. He and his wife, Karen, had lived there for about 25 yrs., and the decor was tastefully rich and interesting. I sat in their living room with them, feeling somewhat out of place. The aroma of campfire on me was so strong in that environment. I had gotten used to it and really didn't notice it when in my cam site.

They said that they had never met a homeless person before, and I opined that living in a relatively remote location probably had something to do with that. I have, from time to time, felt that people were interested in me as an oddity seen in their area. Most folks did not know that they had homeless people in the area. I would bet that in a small town the homeless people try not to attract negative attention from residents and local police.

I remember asking Ben why he was being so kind to me and he asked me,"Most people are kind, aren't they?" I'm still chewing on that remark.

A number of locals had stopped by with interest of other kinds, like the snarky guy with the cigar who stalked around and said," So, you've got your own private little piece of real estate back here now, eh?"


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## moustress

My head space is settling down a bit re the impending move into this place. James and I are already starting to make plans for the holiday season. Last night we talked about whether to have the table set up at his place or mine. Last year I spent most of the holidays in Winnipeg, and that was necessary at that time as I was still pretty freaking suicidal.

My old Toyota Corolla went to the service station yesterday because the rear brakes were squeaking badly. It needed an oil change, and I had them do an overall maintenance check. I was sure my old car was going to be toast, but they let me go with only $38.18 charge for the oil change. Now I can afford to get a couple of new tires. The dashboard lost one more indicator light. The one for the brakes appears to be toast. The car is starting to leak a little oil, so I'll have to be better about checking that as the oil indicator light has never worked on this car. Instead I get the Check Engine light, and at odd times that don't correspond to anything that I can identify. She just keeps getting uglier but as long as she runs well and gives me good mileage I'll be happy to continue with her.

Its so nice to have good news for a change.

As the weather gets chilly outside the security at this building have to be vigilant for people who try to get into the building for various purposes. We recently saw the exposure of drug dealers and hangers on related to that activity identified by their actions and ejected. There was s shooting outside the building, and the security cameras are everywhere. It never fails to amaze me that some folks just don't consider the presence of guards and cameras when they go and commit criminal acts. It was easy to identify the culprits and their associates and watch for them to come back around. I like that a lot.


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## moustress

I had a busy day today. First I saw my wonderful therapist. Then I went and picked out frames for my new prescription sunglasses.There was marked down candy from Halloween, and I got some. Then I went grocery shopping and picked up my refills of meds.

It has been a beautiful week so far, weather wise. I'm tempted to go back out into the woods. Maybe next week if the weather holds.

I am bummed to have been the target of reverse racism. It isn't the first time, and considerig the fact that the population in this building is largely black, it will probably happen again. I don't like it; it hurt my feelings to hear someone tell me that I was racist. It's just not true.


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## moustress

My move yesterday went amazingly well even though I was late getting started. We finished early. The guys were both deaf, which was kind of fun. My bed is set up with my old pines crates being used as a pedestal. Much stuff was removed fro James' place to my place in the other wing and up one floor/ I got food for myself for hte morning and for dinner last night.

I unpacked a few boxes last night and a bunch more today. It's kind of fun, I guess. The apartment is hot, which is weird as the heating system for the room is not turned on. The heating in the building is weir and uneven. I have mylar over the windows now which hopefully help with the temp.

I am surprised to report that I felt realy fine once the move was done. Took a prophylactic dose of sedative along wiht my other evening meds and slept great. This is the first time in 33 years that I've had a private space of my own.

Today I went out and got my new prescription sunglasses nad some grocieries. I had James' bring down an empty cart for the grocieries and also crammed it full of bags of stuff that were removed a couple of days ago to clear the way for the furniture to come out. It fits! I did a good job eyeballling what I could do with the space.


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## moustress

Whoof!

It feels good to sit still for awhile.

Right now I'm visiting at James' place to use his wireless and to get me to stop unpacking. I have emptied and flattened many boxes and the process of packing stuff into the closet is well under way. My cable guy is coming tomorrow.

I have way too much kitchen stuff; guess Savers will get a big load of stuff in the next day or so. The microwave shot sparks and smoked when I tried to use it. Someone loooked at it today and I will be getting a new one. I pointed out the crack in the inner part of the toilet bowl. It doesn't appear to be leaking, but with a crack already there it could come completely undone were someone to drop even a small hard object in or on it. I added a request for a stopper for the kitchen sink which is missing. It has a garbage disposal in there too.

They put in new low profile carpet which I vacuumed thoroughly before moving anything in; there are always a lot of loose fibers in new carpeting.

I spent an hour or so browsing at Ikea before I got the cross bracing needed for my shelving system. It's a seductive place that managed to get my attention by having a deal on wine glasses, and some nice coffee mugs as well. Oh, and they had really soft pillows covered in allergy barrier material for $1.99. Buying allergen barrier covers for pillows cost three times that!

It's turning out to be good to have my own space. I stopped ad bought a big adult juicebox (wine!) so I had something to to pour in the new wineglasses. I like to have a half a glass of red wine when I think about it. Now I need to check the weather and see if it's safe to move my car for visitors parking. It was raining quite hard a few hours ago, and is still sprinkling a little.


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## moustress

Tired. Very tired. Think I'm coming down with a cold. I got kind of soaked last night waiting for roadside assistance to open my car for me. I locked my purse in the car along with the cell phone apt. key, etc. Then I was told that I had to pay $84 as i had used up all my calls. I thought I was paying for unlimited calls. I am extremely upset at Allstate for this and I plan on changing plans.

Then today I waited eagerly for Comcast to com einstall my TV and internet stuff, while working to clear the space for the guy to do the work. He was supposed to come between 12 and 2 PM At a few minutes before 3 pm I called and was told that my install appt. had been canceled because they hadn't documented my paying some back due charges. they didn't call me to let me know this.

You see I have this futon chair with wide flat arms on it that is perfect for having a trackball on while I sit in comfort with my laptop with my feet up on the huge ottoman. The chair is heavy, and I didn't remember how to fit the back and seat together into the body of the chair. I got conked pretty hard on the noggin when the back came down in the middle of all this.

After working on that and finally getting it together I waited. I was patient. I thought, "Sure someone will call me apologetically any minute." Nuh-uh. No call.

I was really hurt and angry and managed to hold their feet to the fire and got them to agree to give me free installation, which is a $50 add-on to my regular charges.I will have to wait until next Monday, but I am no longer addicted to having my internet up as I have my coffee. They are the only cable internet service in town and I really have no other choice. The savings makes it almost worth the hassle.

T-mobile will be losing me as a customer as I am applying for a free phone through the government plan. That is on my agenda tonight: to fill out the forms and get the proofs they want of being a qualified low income person. I have had problems with T-Mobile and will not care at all that I no longer use their services.

In any case, this kind of balances out the good and the bad in regards to this move. So it goes..


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## moustress

Finally! I got my cable installed and moved my big chair and ottoman into place. Now I can get up in the morning get my coffee and sit with the TV on while I check the news and weather online. Waking and sleeping are two critical times for me. I suspect that we all have things we are accustomed to that make these times pleasant, and deviation from them bothersome.

For me, Internet and coffee at waking and reading and light snacking in bed are for bedtime. I will now have these things again. Huzzah!

Looking at this place with all the furniture I brought from storage has me wondering if they will all work together or do I have to eliminate something. It doesn't make any sense to have the room so crowded that I have to climb over furniture. I'm good at this kind of thing, so I don't predict failure.

I stayed in all day yesterday and enjoyed it greatly. Today I have to go out and get filtered water at the market, and probably a few other things. Here's hoping I don't have to hike to my car in the rain.


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## moustress

This week turned ugly when I discovered a bunch of ugly red itchy bites on my person. My apartment is infested with bedbugs, and I have kind of been freaked out over it. It doesn't take much to do that these days. I think the problem is being dealt with but only time will tell. IF they don
t treat all the affected apartments eventually it will happen again. I am going to move some of the boxes and bags of stuff I moved into this place in order to de-clutter so the apartment CAN be effectively treated, and put them in the car on the street where very soon we will be having below zero temps and I will leave that stuff in the car until we have a day or night with four or more hours at or below 0 degrees F. This will kill all the bugs and freeze and eggs, ruining them.

Tonight I put up the first section of shelving in the apartment. I need to get all the stuff up off the floor for several reasons, room to move about being one and taking care of the infestation the other. It was tiring but in a good way.

Earlier I hung out for a few hours with a friend from Winnipeg at a local eatery. All of the folks I know from Winnipeg are nice and kind and warm hearted; it was a welcome change from the hassles of dealing with the bedbugs. Its no worse than the flea infestation I have lived through before there was cheap easy solutions to prevent that sort of thing. Now that I think of it, the fleas bites were much worse than the bedbug bits I have now.

I need to remind myself that just because I have had a lot of negative crap happen to me, there will still be problems that I will have to deal with. I have had a hard time for several years now, but life goes on, and that includes having to deal with stuff as it occurs. I wish I was stronger emotionally, though. It doesn't take much to break me down into tears. At least I don't cry several times a day every day any more. I don't know that I will ever be free of depression and anxiety. I probably have had a degree of both those things for decades.

I've started a new thread for poetry called 'tears to wine', which along with the other two 'words for change' and 'nightshade journals' brings it up to three threads. It's weird I suppose to be using this Forum for that, but I think there are readers here that really enjoy my stuff. Even though I rarely get feedback, I like seeing that people have been looking. Before 2012 I really didn't show my stuff to anyone, but after writing poetry for over 50 years I am proud of what I've done and plan on continuing.


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## moustress

It's working! Many thanks to whoever fixed the glitch.

Meanwhile, my apartment was treated all over last Thursday which didn't appear to make too much of a difference to the bedbugs. I've read that the treatment kills over about a week and a half. My package of boric acid powder came yesterday, and was applied and that seems to have made a difference within about a half an hour. We'll see if new bites stop.

Later in the evening; still no new bites. I am very hopeful.


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## moustress

Nesting is proceeding at a measured pace. I've made one of my signature foods for cold, cold weather. My chicken soup recipe hasn't changed in forty years. I use leftover roasted chicken boiled for a half an hour or so; remove the chicken to cool, then I add barley, cook for another half hour or so then lots of carrots, celery and onion/ Somewhere in there I use some garlic, some parsley and some sage. Very light on the sage.

It will be at it's best after resting in the refrigerator over night. The barley thickens with the stuff from the chicken bones and cartilage, and it will be thick enough cold that a spoon will stand in it while it's still cold. I sometimes ad other veggies, like peas or mushrooms, sometimes cabbage, but that makes an entirely different soup really. I'm going to jump the gun and have a small amount as a bedtime snack. The aroma is tantalizing.

It's has been a long time since I have cooked like this. Things were so disrupted in our home that a lot of nights I just opened a couple cans of Progresso soup. Sad. They make good soup, but not as good as my chicken soup. I love cooking!


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## moustress

Cooking has become one of my favorite pastimes since I got this little place. Tomorrow I am doing a whole roast chicken, unstuffed. Its unstuffed because I don't like the flavor of the leftovers; for me it ruins it for making a good chicken soup.

I can live on a whole chicken for about a week, at least. Dinner, lunch, snacks and finally soup or chicken and dumplings.


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## moustress

I'm still living with bedbugs. I guess there might come a day when I lawyer up and try to get my money beck so I can look for another place. Living near my son is really good, or I'd have done so already. Some days I find no new bites and have a day or two where I don't itch from bites, then I get a whole raft of them. I really really don't want t o move again.

Everything else is alright; I found a place to bring all the leftover art from the old show I used to take to SF conventions, and I am sorting it out. I've already returned some very valuable original works to the artist's son.

It was interesting to hear that the widow had sold almost all his works to support herself and her son. He was thrilled to get two pieces of color work and two black and white. Vaughn Bode was so young when he died in 1975, and his works are still sought after. He is best known for Cheech Wizard and Bode Erotica. My show was the only place his works were exhibited, and he died the first weekend we added his stuff to the show. It was a great shock to a lot of people to hear of his demise.

I will be relieved to see some more of the art I'm sorting returned to the artists for whom contact information is available.


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## moustress

Today I am firming up plans to empty out my paid storage space. It'll leave me scraping to cover everything else, but it has to be done if I am to ever have a monthly budget I can cover. My anxiety sparks when I am doing this kind of thing, but I am pushing through it. The planning is fairly simple. I have my order for a truck and a couple of people to load and unload. It's not complicated but it is stressful.

I spent the day distracting myself from that in cooking. I used almost every single thing I have in the kitchen except for a few pans and some bowls. I made salsa, cooked a pot of my 4 alarm chili beans, a pot of rice, and cranberry muffins. The muffins worked fairly well. I think the craisins made the muffins dry so next time I will soak them awhile before adding them to the batter. And somewhere in there I made a smoothie from frozen strawberries, overripe banana, an egg, and some banana milk. I took that by mistake last time at the food shelf.

I made cobbler over the weekend out of two big apples that were getting wrinkly, an over ripe pear, and a couple of fistfuls of craisins. Ive been getting them two months in a row now from the food shelf we go to. I like trying out different things with the odd stuff that I get from them. I'm having pinto beans this time as I got that n the Second Harvest delivery. I cannot abide canned salmon, so James took the two cans I got and will feed them to Mora, his kitty. She will love it! The cartons of ultra pasteurized milk still weird me out a bit. Milk that doesn't have to be refrigerated weird me out. I used some of that in the muffins.

The bedbug infestation seems to be getting less and less of a problem, though I've had a couple of bites the last two days. The bug guy left my apartment unlocked after his last visit, which pissed me off.


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## moustress

My stuff and I are now all at one address. I got rid of a lot of stuff. I wasn't tracking well enough to know what to do with a lot of stuff while packing up the house. I am doing much better nowadays, which isn't hard to say as I was just about completely broken when I packed the house. My depression lifts sometimes for days at a time, thought he anxiety is still pretty severe from time to time. I suspect that I've lived with a baseline of anxiety most of my life.

I am finally planning a trip back to my friends in Winnipeg, Manitoba. It's been a half a year since I saw those wonderful folks. I was going to leave tomorrow, but that would put me in the middle of mixed precipitation and ice on the roads. I don't mind driving in normal snow, but ice is scary. So I will depart on Saturday.

I've managed to get ahead financially for the first time since I moved into this apartment. This means that now I can afford some good quality art supplies. I bought a block of the best watercolor paper today, and a nice portfolio as well. I already have several kinds of water colors and some really good brushes. I forgot that I had bought a squirrel brush when they were on sale just to see what it can do. It feels and looks like a Japanese brush, which I have used before. The head is about the same size.

My shelf system is currently full of boxes which I can sort at my leisure. It will be weird, but I think I am up to the task. Seven feet tall and running for about 18 feet, honey pine with adjustable shelves. I have enough to do the same in James apartment. WE had a lot of knee space in the upstairs of out hose, and I had other heights of uprights as well. Shorty short, a little short. five footers, and lots and lots of shelves of several lengths. More shelving than I will ever really need.

My therapist may lose a client soon. We are destined to be good friends. Have to find a new therapist. There are lots of good therapists, but a friend is unique and, when one finds one, one should go with it. We have tried to not talk about it. We're good. My next appointment will probably be my last.


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## moustress

It's been a whole month since I posted here. A whole lot has happened. I emptied all my stuff out of the expensive storage space in late February, which will help my pocketbook.

I spent most of the month of March with my dear friends in Winnipeg and I plan on going back up there for Keycon, an SF convention, third weekend of May. This is providing that my car is still safe to drive. I was rear ended by a pickup truck when getting off the freeway yesterday. The trunk of my Toyota Corolla is really quite smushed in and doesn't close.

Amazingly, the car still seems to drive well enough, though the trunk needed to be tied shit. Most of the lights on the back are alright, which surprised me. James' was with me, and we went to the ER to get checked for whiplash, etc. I guess we are OK. I feel sore as if I had done heavy manual labor for hours.

It's been two years wince Nate and I parted. The Order for Protection he got against me in about to expire. I am striving to keep my head in check so I don't go and contact him. That would do no one any good. It's hard though when he was the center of my world for so long. I need to remind myself that the Nate I loved isn't there anymore, even as a fiction, which it largely was for the whole time we were together.

Changing your mind is hard work.


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## moustress

May already!

I will be taking off for Winnipeg again sometime this week. There is the Keycon SF convention, and then I'll probably hang around The Bhigg House for a week or three. Its become my second home and the Clements are now like family to me.

The day after I got back from Winnipeg at the beginning of March my son came up to my apartment. As entering he retrieved a letter letter from the building management folded and stuck into the doorjamb, and handed it to me. I unfolded it and saw the bold printing in the middle of the letter,"This is final notice that you will vacate your apartment by May 21." I nearly collapsed, but I caught myself on the edge of the kitchen sink and James was behind me to help hold me up.

Turned out it was a warning to me claiming I had not been cooperative during the previous visit from the pest control guys. In any case, I pulled out all the stops in an effort to be MORE than ready when they came three days later. They changed companies and they used an entirely different kind of pesticide that ssentially the same stuff as is in those little packages of desiccant you find in packing boxes ground finer. Technically, but it's in finer pieces and erodes the chitin and the bugs die from losing moisture.

It worked like a charm! Not only that, but it is active for as long as you leave it there, which means that it will remain in the carpet until it gets sucked up in a vacuum cleaner. I had just one little bite that night, and nothing since, and it's been about a month and a half. It's silicon dioxide. I have read that you can use the crystal cat litter that has a high content of that by pulverizing it into smaller particles.

I am beyond pleased to have this problem stopped.

Also, the day after I got home from Winnipeg my 2000 Toyota Corolla was rear ended by a big pickup with a crash bar on the front. My trunk was mashed up pretty badly. Amazingly, all the lights were still functional and the car was driveable (I did have my mechanic give a safety check). The other guy's insurance company gave me a fair settlement and day before yesterday I bought a 2002 Toyota Corolla that was cheap enough to leave me a couple hundred bucks of the insurance payout to pay for having my mechanic do a thorough check and fix things up. I had budgeted $3000 as a max I would spend, so I'm sure it will be good. I could just go to Winnipeg as it is, but I feel that the brakes are a little too soft and there is one noise from under the hood that I wonder about. It'll all work out, I'm sure.

Neither of us were really hurt, though I have had some soreness in the shoulder and neck, but I have that anyway frequently. We did get checked out at the ER, though, just to be sure.

I left the old one parked for a couple of days after the accident, and while walking to the car next I realized that the trunk light probably had been on all that time. Sure enough the battery was drained. I have free roadside assistance with my auto insurance, so that was easily dealt with. Then I had my mechanic unplug the wire for that trunk light. The car handled great, and I could have kept driving it, but it's nice to have usable lockable trunk space. I had to tie the trunk down and then listen to it bobble and squeak as I drove. About 20% of the rear view was obscured.

If the engine on this newer car has any major problems I'm thinking of asking if they could switch engines. That would be cheaper than doing valves and rings, I think.

Unpacking has been coming along. I have all my ornamental stuff crammed together on the shelves of my antique jelly cupboard. It makes an interesting display, I think.


forum image hosting

There are a few things that were from my childhood family home, like the dog figure in iron. The rest were picked up here and there all over the US. I don't have my carnival glassware out yet. For those of you that are not familiar with it, it was cheap glassware with an irridescent finish that came in several colors and many different patterns. It's lumped with other items of similar vintage as 'depression glass'. I have not taken the time to identify all the stuff as to value but that's one thing to use retirement for. I have a lot of collectable stuff like comic books and magazines that I need to sort, index and price.

The Order of Protection Nate had against me has run out, and he has blocked my number for his home line. I see he had a worker with him at Minicon this year. He is now in assisted living and needs a walker to get around. Sad, but really not my problem. I can't help being concerned about whether or not he is getting adequate care. I still love him and think about him a lot. That will lessen, I hope. It's still painful.

I am seriously thinking of getting a couple of does this fall. I really miss mousie cuddles.


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## moustress

My replacement Toyota goes to the mechanic today. It's and old car (2002) so it makes a little noise in a couple of areas , so it will be interesting to see what he finds. Each time I have driven it I hear something and feel something that sparks curiosity.

My old Toyota has so many things wrong with it; it needed a new fan motor and the AC didn't work. The front had two minor accidents and was cobbled up with baling wire, colored cellophane tape, and pieces of foam to hold lights in place. The rear struts were broke. Then the rear end was scrunched. The inside dome light on the old one didn't work. The indicators on the dash were unreliable. Everything on the newer Toyota Corolla works!

Later: They did a few little things and charged me $69.00. The front brakes are good enough for now. Sometimes they just blow me away with their honesty. I complained about the small bill. I tell them I just love to give them the business.

This car was a very very good buy! Cars of this vintage were listed online for $2000 to $3000 dollars. After all the nervousness, I feel a great sense relief. This is the first time I've bought a car from a private individual. He asked $1750. and I offered $1500 and he accepted the offer. So, after the insurance check, I will actually be ahead financially by a couple of hundred bucks!

So, now I have only to register my new car and pick up my refills at the pharmacy. All that can be done tomorrow. I need to decompress and take it easy.

Thursday morning I will be on the road to Keycon! (Unless I get impatient and blast off on Wednesday afternoon.)


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## moustress

I did my errands in the morning and got out of Minneapolis around 12:30 pm. I considered waiting and leaving Thursday morning, but I think I will sleep better away from Minneapolis. The last month has been kind of stressful. It was weird when the two year period of no contact ended. The neurotic Louie wanted to call or see her Nate. He's not her Nate any more and she is not his Louie. I am a very different person now than I was two years ago. For good or ill, it's what I have to roll with. Now I am too far away from all that and will be safe in the Bhigg House for awhile.

The last half year has been full of trying to adjust to living in a fixed location by myself. I'm still sad but its getting to be less of a total immersion blotting out everything else. This is better than I was a year ago, that's for sure. I think the wilderness camping was really key to my recovery. I want to do it again later this spring. I really liked it. My therapist worries about me when I go out of town. I have tried to reassure her (sounds silly!) that I am safer behind the wheel of my car on the highway than just about anywhere else. I've done a lot of traveling around the country by car

Currently I am at a motel in Detroit Lakes. Didn't do too bad considering how short of sleep I am, but this was the right time and the right place to stop. I dined on the leftovers from Nelson Bros. which is at the Clearwater exit off I94. Fabulous food. Twenty years ago I could have managed to stuff an entire meal from there into my belly, but I am having wild rice sausage from the Brothers Choice meal which is really two whole plates of breakfast. That and little carrots will do for dinner. Maybe a rice cake....

They had just put out the day old pastries This is especially good as I was going to buy one or two things and save them for breakfast, so they would not have been truly fresh had I paid full price.

I expect to be in Winnipeg in the middle of the afternoon tomorrow.


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## moustress

I arrived in Winnipeg and was greeted by an empty house, which is OK; I felt the relief from assorted emotional aches begin as soon as I was inside. I slept pretty well too. My hosts were already at the convention hotel,setting up their suite to serve as space for the filkers. I got to the convention around 4 pm. It appears to be a good convention, but I still have my nose a bit out of joint over almost all of the 'hospitality suites' charging for food and drink.

The music program has been pretty relaxed. There was only one concert scheduled and that was a good one. The sing-a-long was disorganized but somewhat fun. And I played and sang when it turned into a music circle. I had a few moments of deep sadness while listening to Wolfgang's concert. This is the first convention I've attended solo in 33 years. Sitting in a filk circle without Nate was a new thing too. It was a hurdle I needed to jump cleanly. I think I cleared the bar nicely.


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## SarahC

I had to google filk circle,something learned.Glad you've managed to participate despite the sadness.


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## moustress

Yeah, filk, like a number other faanish words, including 'faanish', started as typos. We sometimes elevate useful or amusing typos and they become part of the faanish lexicon. There are also a lot of acronyms that used to be mostly exclusive to SF faandom. FIAWOL for Faandom Is A Way of Life. FIJAGH for Faandom Is Just a Ghoddam Hobby are specific to SF faandom.

The Bhigg House is named like that. The extra 'h' is also a Thing, as well as the doubled letter in that....and the extra 'a' in 'faandom' to refer to very faanish faans.


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## moustress

I am recovering my equilibrium right now. I was on the verge of a panic attack a little while ago, feeling nauseous and dizzy and I fought it off by playing guitar a little, crying a little, and now this; writing about it. Maybe y'alls heard enough about my troubles already and are sick of it. That can't matter to me right now. I am still very much actively processing what happened and how it made me feel and how I feel today.

If you or someone you know has been the victim of domestic abuse, don't be quiet. Don't wait for someone else to tell you that you need to report it, you need to get help. Others may see it as bullshit whiny stuff that they don't need in their life. Fuk that and fuk everyone who points the finger at you for pointing the finger at their friend who did this to you. RISE UP and TELL a professional right away!

Right now I am on the downside of a rise in emotional distress. I don't know what prompted me but I had a moment where I relived the first time my ex ever hit me. When it happened I was unable to even find a place for the feelings much less do anything about them at the time. He hit me so hard that I felt that he could have killed me with that one blow.

I remember being knocked to the floor, hitting the night stand and the dresser, and scrambling away like a crab until I ran into the closed bedroom door, and just sitting there, dazed and shocked. It may have taken me a minute or two to get up and open the door and go to James and tell him what happened.

I don't understand why I didn't call the police or go to the ER. I don't understand why the psychiatrist he was seeing didn't call the domestic abuse unit of the police when both of us saw him several days later and reported the incident. He was empowered; he should have been smarter than me. He could have helped me, even though I wasn't his client. He had a duty to report it.

Even my ex would have been helped in some way; at least he would have been forced to get more help on some level. Later, when I got the records of that doctor's visit, it was reported as an accidental blow to the head. He was supposed to be smarter than his patient, smarter than me...and he let us both down.


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## moustress

Two months since I posted in here!

I finally made it out of the city camping for eight days. I loved it except for the heat and humidity. I think I had a touch of heat exhaustion while setting up camp. I hurled in the bushes. Then I drank a lot of tepid water and got on with it. I ended up spending some time every afternoon just resting and cooling off with wet bandanas and a few dips in the VERY cold creek.

The air mattress I got worked really well with one exception: a twin double high is not all that stable, and one night I turned over and ended up on the floor in my sleeping bag with the air mattress on top. I was not hurt, but I was very fuzzy and couldn't quite figure out what was going on for a few seconds. One day, I moved my camp chair into the shade behind the tent. I was buzzed by a couple bumblebees. I tried to tsame thing later in the day and was dive bombed by 10 or 12 and while I was getting the clue and trying to move one of them latched on to the top of my nose. The sting hurt like hell for a few minutes until I got ice on it.

The sensation of having that bee clinging with half its feet up my nostrils was so...unusual and memorable, as was the view as I watched it crossed eyed.

Let's see, what other wildlife did I encounter? An osprey, a bald eagle, a red tailed hawk...oh, and a yellow swallowtail butterfly. Hummingbird. Baby rabbit. Frog. A tiny orange butterfly that I have yet to try to identify.

I did a couple of sketches, one with watercolor pencils and one with pastels.

In town, at the thrift store, I found three thick volumes by Jaqueline Carey in the Kushiel's Dart serious of novels. Very sexy and very well written.

Corn on the cob and potatoes were roasted and eaten. When the weather moderated I decided it was time to break up camp and go home. and, on that front, my apartment now feels like home. I wasn't sure if that would happen at all.

The other big thing is I got a replacement for my Yamaha G5 that was stolen about a year ago. I bought a guitar at a pawnshop almost right away, but it was not as good, and was bad seriously in having problems. I located an oven older vintage Yamaha and purchased it. It is marvelous! Even better sounding than than the G85. This one is a G60. The only problem was the tuning gear, and I took care of that by tightening them. I need to get some lube for those pieces of hardware.


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## moustress

I am enjoying my replacement guitar quite a bit. I'm still keeping my eye out for a Yamaha G85 classical. Other than the guitar, I am enjoying the end of summer quite a bit. I like cooler weather though. Another camping trip is in the offing for the second half of September.

I've been producing new poetry again with surprising regularity.


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## moustress

Went to my primary clinic to meet a social worker who works for the clinic. This is significant as Hennepin County said they would not assign me a social worker over the last couple of years. I really needed someone to help me make sense out of all the mail I got this past month from three or four different agencies regarding my health care and prescription coverage. Overlapping concerns made it hard to figure out just what I was supposed to do to keep getting my meds and seeing the doctors I need to see.

So I spent an hour or so talking and managed to figure out with her help, what I need to do now. *sigh*

Then I spent an hour or two at the thrift store nearby. Replaced my broken mixer and found a bedsheet for James' bed. I found other things I could use but didn't get as I am on a skinny budget for the next months and a half.

I sorted through the storage bins that were the last of my possessions stored at a friends house for almost two years. I now have all my tools in one place. I did not realize how many extension cords I own. We had a problem with that tumor I used to be married to. He would not find things, sometimes things that were in plain sight. So, when I sent him into the basement to find a heavy duty extension cord, he would come up empty handed, after which he would visit a store and buy me another one. Those things are heavy! I also now have my circular saw and my other carpenters tools.

One bin had a bunch of my father's things in it that I packed up after my mother died and never got a chance to look at closely. I especially like the old black and white photo of my father's Air Force unit. There were all the certificates of the four specialties my father qualified in. Medic, airplane mechanic, chemical counter measures, and I forget the other at the moment. Also his certificates for the steps in becoming a Master Carpenter and Cabinet Maker.

It's weird to have all the stuff from my life my parents life my kids life all boxed and shelved in this little studio apartment. A tangible summing up of all of it. My use is interested and restless. I have been writing again on a regular basis..

Another thing that I am fighting is Guitar Aquisition Syndrome. I bid on another old Yamaha classical guitar on Ebay. I guess I was relieved when someone else got it. The one I bought awhile back is really a great guitar. Can't play more than one at a time. Keep telling myself....


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## moustress

Maybe this be an inspiration for others who wonder if they should stop driving.

I think it's time for me to give up being a driver. I've had too many accidents, and while the two worst were not my fault, I just think my attentiveness has diminished enough to affect my driving. It's demoralizing, but I have to look hard at this. *sigh*

This because I had a fender bender today; I suspect I will losing my auto insurance, and of course there's the ticket to pay. I am feeling very demoralized, but that's not as bad as I would feel if I hurt someone while driving. I am not sure if my driver's license will be suspended or not. It wouldn't surprise me.

I don't want to be one those little old ladies that doesn't seem to know where she is or what she is doing. Right now I am feeling very low and like I'm not good for anything any more. I'll work on that.


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## moustress

I now have a couple cubic feet of space in my closet as I got someone to come take away all the Water Over the Bridge stock. I can declutter my kitchen a bit.

I spoke with my acquaintance about Nate's health and was very saddened to hear that he no longer can walk at all, can't play guitar, and is in an awful state of mental health. I needed to know that I've kept my distance as much as possible, but now, considering my own health issues, I want to see him very briefly so we can both have closure while we are still both alive. I just want to look him in the eye and let him know that I am no longer angry, and that I forgive him, and that I never stopped loving him.

And I am a bit scared to talk to my neurosurgeon about my own issues that might be signs of increased pressure in my cranium. I haven't been as on top of things as I used to be, and it seems to have gotten worse in the last three or four months. The symptoms of that are annoyingly similar to symptoms of a panic attack. There would be a problem with diagnosing the problem as it would require a spinal tap, and that might cause problems with my viral infection getting into my cranium.

I'm going to ask about that; I need to get up the courage to do that.


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## moustress

When I went to the nursing home where Nate is I saw him seated in a chair in the reception area with his sister and a friend. I walked in and, with my back to them, took off my jacket and hat then turned around to find Nate standing. This was a bit of a shock as I had thought he couldn't walk at all. He walked a few steps towards me and reached out with his arms as if I was going to give him a hug. This shows how out of it he is. Of course his Louie would give him a nice warm hug.

I caught his arms at the elbow and gripped them, keeping my arms stiff. I said what I came to say, then he said he would call me for conversation. I told him my number had not changed; he replied that he didn't remember it, so I sat down on the couch and fished in my bag for a pen and paper. He sat ; he was close enough down right next to me. Close enough that we were touching. I wrote my number down and told him I couldn't take any more of that and got up and left. He didn't call and I am hoping he doesn't. I expressed this by telling him, "I won't hang up if you call."

I went, I did what I wanted to do, got closure, and that will be that. No more wondering. I was shocked to see him stand and walk; I kind of liked the idea of being unable to use his legs. Made me feel safer. Now he's at a nursing home just a mile away from where I live.


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## moustress

For awhile I had thought that I should visit Nate at the nursing home regularly. I talked it over with my therapist who did not think it would be the thing to do. I told her I wouldn't do it right away just think about if for a few weeks. Yesterday I was in the county's economic assistance office. It was taking too long and the place was getting too crowded and I got very anxious to the point of some tears. I realized how my thinking of Nate had affected me in making me more anxious, and I have come to the conclusion that I must not see him again. Sad.


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## moustress

Not dead yet:

I still don't have any pets, but I have tried out a couple of rodent pages on Facebook. They were not much fun as people did not want to hear about taking care of sick meeces on the first one, and on the second one the owner made it clear that my experience as a breeder was a controlling head case who did not want me to share my experiences.

Still, I miss having my own tiny herd. I answered an email forwarded to me from some other site who lives here locally who wants to talk, and I would love to see her setup.

I'm waiting for the results of the MRI I had taken of my brain on Jan 2; I am going to change clinic. I've called twice about hearing the results with no return call. It's upsetting more than I can express.

I hope the lullaby I wrote to My Little Tumor is working.


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## moustress

It's been quite awhile since I posted here, hasn't it?

I still find myself thinking about mousies. They were such a big part of my life for so long!

Life has been moving along for me; I have been mostly doing okay. I have weathered having someone I barely knew surprising me by telling me that he was was glad that Nate had Lisa. It sparked a bit of the old obsession and I was hurting for some weeks. Now I am just annoyed at the idiot who was so insensitive and doubly annoyed by the waste of my time obsessing over a lost cause.

I have to move forward with my life; I've been celibate for four freaking years. I think it's time to explore my options or at least open my mind to the possibility of having someone close to me again.

My health hasj been not so great. I was diagnosed about a month ago with anemia so now I am unduring the effects of iron supplements. My brain tumor has not changed, which is good. I gained weight and lost it, not a lot anyhow.

I am planning a trip to Winnipeg for the SF con and a long visit. That is coming up in about a week.


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## WoodWitch

Lovely to hear from you moustress! 
Glad you are doing ok. Time to move on to more positive people and times and leave that nasty business behind, four years is plenty of time out, life is short! Are you still on the road/move or are you settled somewhere now?
I have chronic anaemia a couple years back after a big operation and major blood loss, it was absolutely debilitating, I have full sympathy with that. 
Keep us updated


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## moustress

Woodwitch! Hello!

I have been in a studio apartment since November 2015. I thought it was going to take longer waiting on the list, but my homelessness put me on the fast track to getting in here. It's not ideal, but it's subsidized thus quite cheap. This is the first time in 35 years I have had my own space. It's been a struggle getting used to the idea of settling down alone, but things are coming together, I guess. I have continued with month long visits once or twice a year to my friends in Winnipeg. I am going up next week for an SF convention and then I will hang around for a few weeks.

I've pretty well gotten over having panic attacks, which is good. It's a completely disabling occurence. I still struggle with depression and anxiety, but those are manageable. Being on my own for the first time in decades has allowed me to get to know myself better. I find myself to be pretty good company. I have gotten back into playing acoustic guitar in order to accompany my singing. At the convention in Winnipeg I am giving a short concert; this is the first one since 1975.

I've been trying to get back into art as well, with fair success at one medium. I have made dozen of styrofoam balls completely covered in sequins held on by tailors pins. As art objects they are spendid, and I hope to sell them online. IT takes hours to do a simple design, so I consider the purpose to be occupational therapy for the most part. The results, however, are art. I'm trying to get someone to help me get good pictures so I can get them online.

My son James, lives in the same building as I do which is why I moved here. That works out well for both of us. My life is humble; Social Security ?Disability is my only income. IN the last half year I have adopted a freegan life style. Freegans live on free food; I: go to a food shelf once a moth, and I get stuff fro Second Harvest, and I also get great produce from a friend who takes out of date stuff from an organic warehouse. Some of that goes to a soup kitchena and the rest she doles out to a short list of people. I am so lucky to know people like her, and I want to work with her doing volunteer work She also get pet supplies and delivers them to local food shelves. She is an angel, IMHO.

The surplus food that goes to waste is an abomination. No one needs to go hungry; everyone should have access to a good quality diet. I get more than I can use, so I share with James and anyone else I can send out of my place with some of what I don't need. There are weeks when I do not need to go to the supermarket except for filtered water. And I get stuff I could never afford, like multicolored fingerling potatoes that are just so so so good! All kinds of veggies and fruits from organic farms. Whole cream top milk, and yogurt. I never know just what she'll have for me, and that is kind of fun, l reading about and learning what to do with new foods.

And I am still writing, both prose and poetry. I published a new one in three different forums just last night. One thing I am working on is an autobiography. I want to have a complete outline of that by the time I get back from Winnipeg in mid June.

It's been a struggle, but I am building a new life for myself. I'm still in therapy and that will probably be a constant for the rest of my life. My emotional stability was damaged pretty severely in the last six years, so I am am rebuilding my inner structures bit by bit. It's been a challenge, but I am doing it!


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## moustress

Here in Winnipeg everything is going well. I was on my feet too much yesterday, especially up and down the stairs here at The Bhigg House. I elected to stay off my feet today as much as possible. It's my knees that are the main source of pain. My hips aren't bothering me as much as they did years ago. Weight loss and constant use of NSAID's may have helped them heal up a bit. One can hope.

I am nettled to find the skin on the outer edge of my big thumbnail on my right hand stating to split, and if it does any farther, I will not be able to play my guitar. This bugs me greatly. I was supposed to do a concert this weekend; I will nurse the thumb and hope for the best. I changed strings on m guitar last night and tried to play a little, which is when I noticed some discomfort.

It's not been a great day today, but I am reading a really good book by C. J. Cherryh and passing the time well enough.


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## Fantasia Mousery

moustress said:


> Here in Winnipeg everything is going well. I was on my feet too much yesterday, especially up and down the stairs here at The Bhigg House. I elected to stay off my feet today as much as possible. It's my knees that are the main source of pain. My hips aren't bothering me as much as they did years ago. Weight loss and constant use of NSAID's may have helped them heal up a bit. One can hope.
> 
> I am nettled to find the skin on the outer edge of my big thumbnail on my right hand stating to split, and if it does any farther, I will not be able to play my guitar. This bugs me greatly. I was supposed to do a concert this weekend; I will nurse the thumb and hope for the best. I changed strings on m guitar last night and tried to play a little, which is when I noticed some discomfort.
> 
> It's not been a great day today, but I am reading a really good book by C. J. Cherryh and passing the time well enough.


I hope your knees are feeling better, and your thumb as well! Fortunately the skin on hands usually heal fairly quickly, so hopefully you'll still be able to do the concert. 
Which C.J. Cherryh book are you reading?


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## moustress

My visit in Winnipeg included about two weeks in another Manitoba city namely Flin Flon. My hosts have a big cabin on Lake Athapapaskow. They let me stay for five days in between their visits. It was lovely and quiet most of the time. There is a small airport rather close, so there was small plane traffic.

I took many long walks and hikes; a long walk is anything over a mile, a hike is about three miles. At night I enjoyed the songs of the loons and owls. The water was too cold for swimming, but I enjoyed the lake anyway, especially the full moon rising over the lake. The cabin is located so that, on a clear night, it makes a brilliant highway of light directly out from the front windows. It was windy and the water was wild with waves. On one of my walks I heard a pair of hawks being harassed by crows. The only blossoms around there were the march marigolds, the alpine strawberries and the honeyberry bushes.

The cabin itself has been fitted with conveniences like indoor plumbing and electricity. The rest of the place is done up rather rustic, with the upstairs walls being mostly cardboard. There is no insulation, so it was quite chilly at night. There is a very nice furnace, which we really needed. The weather was very changeable; it got up to about 82F one day, another day it only got up to about 55F.

No TV, no Internet, no newspapers. No problem!


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## moustress

Checking in again; it's been about four months since my last post.

I have started a new intense therapy called EMDR that hopefully help me set aside bad events and not think about them much, and if I do, it is a brief thing that passes in a second or two. I think it is going to be fun, and I certainly need it. I still get panic attacks, as a matter of fact I had one three months ago. I was talking to my friends, sitting in a chair without arms. I put my hand on my sternum and said I don't feel well, then with my eyes still closed I said that I felt dizzy like I do when waking up after fainting. What I did not know was that I was laying on the floor, not in the chair. I have no memory of falling. I couldn't move without hurling so I stayed there. I asked for some Benadryl which works on my vertigo, then stayed there for about fifteen or twenty minutes.

In the meanwhile, I asked them to call James, my son, who came over and helped me get cleaned up so we could get an Uber ride home. I was still not all that clean, but relived to get back to my place.

I now wish I had never said anything to my family doctor. He had me get tested for seizure disorders. It was a grueling process where they try to provoke a seizure with physical stress like forced fast hard breathing for five minutes and then strobe lights starting slow and going faster and faster. I guess I'm glad to know I don't have a seizure disorder.

It seems that it was a new variety of panic attack. They are never the same twice, but I always got a little bit of a warning. As a result of that attack, I had the fact that I quit driving a month earlier A Very Good Thing. I have given up high speed internet, cable TV, and car ownership which all makes a huge difference in being to do stuff around town.

I still dream about mousies; that will never stop.


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## moustress

Ten ten eighteen; life goes on. I am enjoying the Nicollet Mall quite a bit. I live right at the end of it, and there a free bus that goes right in front of the place and runs all the way from Grant St, my street, past the Downtown Minneapolis Library. Many businesses survived the closing which lasted almost two years due to contractor mistakes.

Target is a godsend in this location. It's a department store that also has a small grocery section with a pretty good produce section right at street level. I sometimes take a quick trip on the free bus to get milk there. It takes about 20-30 minutes for a round trip. I use the free bus at least two or three times a week. I'm getting in a good bit of walking on my various visits to stores and my friends place.

Nuts and bolts work has started in my therapy and I have great hopes for it. My physical health remains about the same, with the osteosrthiritis in my hands being tha most irritating. I had an annual physical today, and was dismayed to find my Internist had never heard of replacement joints for hands. I have some joints in my fingers that don't flex at all any more. It concerns me a little, but, hey, he's an internist not am orthopedist.

He approved my suggested medication change after I had a few sick days with nausea from one of my newer drugs. I hope he goes and learns about joint replacement for hands. It would appear that the spell I had a few months ago was "just" a panic attack. I had an EKG which was as normal as can be expected. Oddly, the right branch bundle blockage that made my heart beat backwards appeared to have disappeared. I doubt the results, I do not think the assistant really knew what she was doing.

I now have a worker from a local agency to help me take care of things I need a car for, and they are also qualified as therapists, so we spend a half an hour just talking. It's been a little weird having strangers in my place and driving me around. I hope to get one that lasts for awhile. They need to be good listeners as I do go on, and on, and on......

I have been feeling pretty good in general. Thanks for reading!


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## WoodWitch

Always good to have a moustress check-in!


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## moustress

It's been nearly a year since I checked in here. I write quite a bit on Facebook these days where I can be found under the name Louie Spooner Bucklin, in a private page.

I did quite a bit of heavy duty therapy in the last year and half; it's EMDR, and it is a remarkably powerful tool for healing from serious traumas. It is very hard work, and I am going to start a new project with my therapist tomorrow, building my ideal mother in my head. So far it has just about cured me of panic attacks and even the feelings that might lead to that, like vertigo and nausea, are very rare.

The place I am living is challenging being near downtown and has a lot of homeless folk in the vicinity as it's near a lot of the services used by the homeless. The population of this building is a bit challenging, which is not surprising considering that folks who end up in public housing often have a laundry list of personal problems. Old age, medical problem both psychiatric and physical, distressed relationships, etc. I feel like I fit in in this place.

The free bus is such a great thing about this location. I go downtown a few times a week for various things. My arthritis has progressed to point that I rarely play guitar anymore. My finger joints are deformed and have lost a lot of flexability. In all honesty, I know I'd have a hard time running a mousery like the one I used to have. I'm on the waiting list to get a one bedroom apartment when it become available. There are only about thirty of those, so it will be awhile. In the meanwhile, my little studio apartment works just fine. My arthritis is bad enough that I have some difficulty taking as good care of it as I would like.

Mice almost identical to my blue splashed line has shown up on Facebook pages. That is just GREAT! All my work has not gone to waste!


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## moustress

This may be my last edition of my BMFP blog. I still adore meeces and I had a great time, for the most part, being a part of this Forum.

I'm on Facebook under my legal name of Lois Spooner Bucklin (Louie). Maybe you'll find me there.

Here's a last poetic contribution.

ot off my fingertips...

global

now we feel the beating heart of the world
in our hearts that ache for the deadly consequence
yes now we are one in the worst kind of way
answering that challenge we ride the swell to its end
sit on top of the behemoth of human pride and folly
say stop say stop say oh goddess please say stop
no answer there at all after breaking that holy contract
now it heaves and strains we rush to stop the gap
floods of blood and piss spill into view we gasp
seeing what it is simply that we would not know it
for the untamed wild fury of the wholeness

Louie Spooner Bucklin copyright 2020


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