# nightshade journals



## moustress

Lack-a-day, hey

Oh, what fun it is to ride
the tides of contentment and smile.
I wish that could ride and ride
for many and many a mile

Turn left at the light
and right at the dark
then try to find
a place to park.

We'll all be back home
when we reach the end
the road goes on
without a bend

Turn up at the start
and down at the middle
Nero played
a really mean fiddle

Rome wasn't burned in a day
It took at least two or three
He had no help, they say
I do not work for free

Turn on a dime
turn back around
and wonder what
is making that sound

Blood and tears up front
blood and smoke behind
wasted words that fly like birds
no place to rest will they find

Oh what fun it is to ride
the tides of contentment and smile.
I wish that could ride and ride
for many and many a mile

Louie Spooner Bucklin copyright 2013

************************************************************************************************

winning isn't everything

who will be the first to say
she asked for it
she had it coming
it took you long enough

tattooed with bruises
to remind her that she
should never have tried
should never have asked
should never have loved
the shape changer

blameless and needy
deserving of aid in his distress
wreck the wrack that ruined him
she the shameless one
run to him, hail him with hoorahs
and give him the
moon and the stars

for her
yield up scorn by the
bushel; with bated breath
wait to turn the blade
watch her twist and turn
under the light 
of life's lethal load
state your charge
no answer required
you all know how
she is

who will say
he's not like that
would never
don't believe it
we know better
faked bruises
she hurt herself
he would never
how can we believe
such a thing

all victims copyright 2013
this one is for each and everyone of you
who have struggled
with fear, shame,
and screwball blame
for having gotten in the way
of someone's fist


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## Trixie's Mice

Awesome!


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## moustress

Thanks, Trixie.

Writing keeps my brain from boiling out of my ears at times like these.

My shrink likes this too.

There's no need for saying, "Don't hold back; tell me how you really feel."


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## Trixie's Mice

I think that is wonderful! I really do, I would have said more before, but I couldn't think of any words. I think I am --OK-- at write stuff like that, but nothing really special. I write songs a lot though. When I am in my room I sing (making it up as I go along) and I basically sing what I feel. Which I really enjoy, I love singing.


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## moustress

dying inside

don't look at me like that
for you have gained power
from my tears and despair
you plant the seeds of sorrow
instead of cultivating the crop
of caring; then you ask why
i weep and why
i thrash and complain

you look sidewise
to alter your view, you expect
you have the gift to transform
the lead of betrayal
into the golden glory
of promises passed over
abandoned like
empty candy wrappers

where do i find relief and
when will you let me simply
live my days one by one
in loving you as i have
it has become a game

you lull me into thinking
i'm safe in your arms,
precious in your heart
but it's false fools gold
laughter and derision
in between the lines
your performance worthy
of award for best attempt
to steal my peace,
and i need my peace
more than i need you

this is not the way
we promised
ourselves one to the other
and you know it
here i stand,
i have chosen the high road
though i fall to your level
with the advent of love's lament

i needed you beside me
equal measures of love and faith
in our practice of pairing
you have faded to a dim reminder
of devotion's duty
dirty windows and doors
hanging on one hinge
disorder rules the days
while disaster masters
the nights; only know this:
love is not an object
this seed will not yield
what you have planted

save your effort to bring me down
save yourself if you can
remember that you were
once upon a time
the dearest and brightest star
in my mind's eye

Louie Spooner Bucklin copyright 2013


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## moustress

10-2-2013

Merit

A bird without wings 
beats the air 
feet flailing
back in the dirt, 
hurt

Feathers adorn a chest plate
preen and smile at the pain
here; your friends 
take their share
feathers for your hair, 
her hair, his hair
all rainbow colors
gone blood red

Dying choking
on a prayer for forgiveness 
joy filled eyes
gutter 
go dark
well done my steely warrior 
well done

Proudly walk back home
feathers dripping blood
washed, the red goes, 
all the colors gone dead 
the smell of death 
hangs there
a just reward

Flying lightly
shriven, weightless
now alight
with angels dancing, 
the clouds a playground
beyond love,
beyond death
beyond your reach

Louie Spooner Bucklin copyright 2013


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## moustress

resting

feather soft my love touches
the inner most part of my life
my heart is like a fist beating
my life cringes from the blows
how you see me
describes my reality 
and it is all dark
hidden, trembling
waiting for the dawn in your eyes
wanting the world we shared

caught on the horns
of anger and loss, we toss
and turn away in the night
i will give amost anything
to see you smile again
smile and save my life

feather soft
a kiss
the fist opens
releasing the pain
but still it bleeds out
need, hunger, fear
let them go
now tell them 
how to go

obey the laws
of love and life
love forever
just your love
feather soft
touching

take my hand and pull me up 
where I can stand next to you
show me how to be now, with you
in my heart and in my life
we are one forever
do not forget the sacred 
mixed up becomes scared
add an r it becomes scarred
pull it loose, it bleeds
touch it
feather soft
healing

how do we do this
how do we love
i'm asking for you 
to share your view with me
tell me where to look
to see you in my heart
missing the kiss
our hearts knows nothing
teach me with 
a look, tell me
you love me still
and always

give me that
feather soft touch
bring me your love and
leave enough to last the winter
so I don't freeze over
and die in the thaw
fears ask how to go

soft, warm, feathers 
piled in a pillow
cold, hard
your eyes 
speak a warning
cry a curse 
better yet
smother me with love
and let me die 
in your arms

Louie Spooner Bucklin copyright 2013


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## Trixie's Mice

Oh... I really like this one... I'm quite awe struck... I wish someone would send me stuff like that lol. You have amazing work moustress. Since it's not work, and the opposite of work is play. I will say you have amazing play! It's really soooo wonderful, I have not words for it. The lines keep getting tumbled in my head, it's just so good. I hope to see more of them, lovely, truly is lovely.


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## moustress

Thanks you so much! I rarely get any comments whatsoever, though plenty of people read it on this Forum.

I've been writing since about 1962. I'm 61 years old, and I decided at the age of 60 that my writing was fully ripe. I started posting stuff here and my Live Journal last year. I write to relieve the pressure of all those words that get stuck in my head; it's teh Irish in me, I guess.

Anyway, thanks again!


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## Trixie's Mice

That's great, I mean a place to release your thoughts. I release my thoughts through emails hahaha... I used to write in a journal, but the best friend in the WORLD makes a better journal. Do you have any "sweet" poems? I would love to hear those.  Thank you for posting this stuff, even if it's over other people's head hahaa JK guys! lol


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## moustress

pathway

gravel under my tires
a path less taken
overgrown and rutted
muddy and uneven

meadows of memory
brown and sere
rustle in the breeze
cold rain, wind

seasons torn off
pages used for tinder
the longest winter
uses the whole year

heart-stopping doubt
breathless fear
paralyzing shame
midden of loss

rotten flowers
broken branches
roots upheaved
soil rent and tossed

small things hide
amid the wreckage
safety created
out of abject terror

come little ones
burrow in my grave
sleep away the winter
show me how to wait

frightened and cold
huddled and hopeless
freezing easily
surrender to the cold

solemn promises
our earnest vows
dreams and desires
all broken now

gravel under my tires
end of the broken line
make my home here
where summer expires

Louie Spooner Bucklin copyright 2013


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## moustress

This was written a few weeks ago; I'm happy to say that my situation has improved, and hopefully I will write in less of sad, angry tone. Really; I can be cheerful and joyous, though given the title of this thread, that might mean going back to the 'words for change' thread. (that's the other thread with my poetry in it.

shape

bend me to suit your purpose
until I break in two
take your pick of the parts 
one sad the other lonely
you smile and approve
choices are good

leave me where you saw me last
bending until I give in
you can have what you want
now and i won't stand 
in your way

smile and nod
your friends approve
while you drive me into the ground
i yield a bitter crop
as the seasons change
no care can save me now
wasted seed
wasted rain
bad intentions
foul harvest

create a world for yourself
one where you are always right
no criticism
little concern
small love
for me
i am dead

gone and lost
the one i worshiped
destroyed by group effort
as you didn't want to have to do it
all on your own
your helpers 
smile and reward you 
attacking me over and over
as if i had done 
something wrong

no crime for you
to let them put me down
i can go no further
stifled and then
buried alive up to my neck
they pelt my head with stones
blood flows freely
first my nose goes, broken
then my left eye
i cry 
for someone 
to get close 
enough for the fatal blow
i have no life to live
do it now

Louie Spooner Bucklin copyright 2013


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## moustress

November 9, 2013

leaves

summer has been scrapped
a bad job all around
willful winter waits
on the other side 
late blooms freeze and fall
ice in the bird bath
frost on the ferns

gone any chance of real warmth
when winds take over and the leaves dance
a sad triumph of nature

easy now to see 
the end that awaits
not so easy feeling warm
with whole weeks wasted
on pointless prayer
no exit from the tableau
grass withers while we watch
helpless to stop 
the march

where does the summer go
we know by the map
but not by the heart
heavy with horror
waiting and watching
while we wrestle
with the witness
of silence

Loie Spooner Bucklin copyright 2013


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## Miceandmore64

I also wrote stories and poems to keep me sane


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## moustress

towards a new life

it was a plain conspiracy
the smearing of my name
the story told was icy cold
my repute to defame

how do words go when they go?
do they travel on their own?
heard and changed and passed along
til a brand new tale has grown

no matter what I did or said
the damage done was real
no effort spared yet no one cared
or wondered how i'd feel

it started with a word or two
abusive and controlling
around they flew although untrue
gained speed as they were rolling

passing on from mouth to ear
and growing worse with time
two spiteful words that flew like birds
described a heinous crime

abusive and controlling 
then violent and and depraved
for good or ill find what you will
i know how i behaved

and i did protest many times
but no one stopped to hear
my protests did no good at all
the meaning was quite clear

the crime still stands uncharged
though I've paid for all the rest
but i will vanquish my own doubts
and master every test

i'll never let them break me down
the way they did that night
they put themselves between us
and you know it's not right

defamed and judged behind my back
i'll never understand
how folks who knew me forty years
could turn against me and

throw me out where I belonged
and treated second-rate
forcibly separated from
the one who is my mate

some of you took pleasure
in my struggle and in my tears
i hope you'll know the truth someday
and realize that my tears

were as much for you as for myself
i wished that i could reach you
and let you know i understand
but you won't let me teach you

I have to laugh now when I think 
i wasted all those tears
and who believes or doesn't
won't matter after years

the job's ill done but trust me
it's all behind me now
you'll think what you want to think
when all has passed somehow

for its a joke on all of us
your words fly out your mouth
and into someone else's ears
heading ever south

and before you know i'm satan
i'm the criminal in the dark
i'm the freaking antichrist
I'm the lurker in the park

beware my fearsome weaponry
the words, the tears, the love
(how dangerous can a woman be
when that's what she's made of

hope and faith, love and trust
she held to those straight through
the darkest days of all her life
and now she says to you

i live my life as if in prayer
i love with all my heart
and if you know a better way
then tell me how to start

can you right the wrongs done
or can you heal the hurts
i'd gladly take the treatment
and yet my mind asserts

i did the best i could, you know
i took the best advice
i tried to help the one i loved
and stumbled once or twice

the lie was spoken softly
words with a life of their own
were repeated ever louder
with tone and volume grown

and i did protest many times
but no one stopped to hear me
my quiet protests gained me naught
and none of you came near me

there's no perfect way to end it
and no easy way to heal
no repayment for the loss
just the end of a rotten deal

Louie Bucklin copyright 2013


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## moustress

solstice

sliding down the slope
eyes heavy
outside icy winds 
wails of winter
sink into dreams of May
my flower bloomed in dreams
of your
kiss

honey heavy 
hanging in the mind
clouds constructed in wonder
wish for release
demand attention
accept devotion
wait

poles shift 
subtle and sublime
chaos of ice and fire
love wars with love
victory for both
we win 
all

Louie Spooner Bucklin copyright 2013


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## moustress

cuts

see the cuts
apart from the dross
piles of memories slaughtered
to extract what has not been ruined
wrap the good and freeze it
try not to slip and fall
where blood and organs
lay spilled

in the abbatoire
years wait for dispatch
nervous but clueless
take this one now
it is fat and full
overfed by 
love's fancy
falters as the end
rises to free it

a life
pictures posed and wrong
letters filled with lies
songs that shaped the days
undue roughness
wretched faith
fighting to survive
steps to the block
take it all for given
take it all

blood is truth
futures plain 
fortell how feeling
lied with words
killed with wicked spite
took in hand
helpless love

put it in line 
with all the others
ready for it's demise
along with honor
hope pulls back
faith struggles 
love expired

life escapes
resolve remains
it is enough
to know this path
leads away from it
leaving behind memories
smeared with gore
fit for flies
and dogs

Louie Spooner Bucklin Copyright 2014


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## moustress

cheap shoes

cheap shoes in the rain
seem to hold up fine
until they dry
and pieces peel off
leaving toes exposed 
soles flapping

question the choice
before you choose
see your life hold you
in what you give to yourself
cheap intent fails to cover
the need of today
much less tomorrow
drowning in a sea of lies
wish for better options
too late though

cheap thrills
fade in a day
or a year
take all you can
without regard
for care

cast off shoes
may be better than
the cheapest you can buy
given freely under no expectation
will they hold up?
last long enough to 
get you from here to there
before they fail

take these shoes
they are no longer needed
these feet need to feel
the path with all it's flaws
picking carefully each footfall
guarding against stones
and broken things
thorns and nettles
prick and wound
it is real enough 
for me

cheap shoes say hello
i can carry you safely
most of the way
but beware the rain
like paper pants
and party favors
here today
trash tomorrow

Louie Spooner Bucklin Copyright 2014


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## moustress

goodbye

they say I've lost my mind
because i hurt the one I loved
perhaps for just a minute
as I was being shoved

he said I yelled at him, you know
but I didn't raise my voice
until the moment that I found
that he had made a choice

thinking I had yelled at him
he made the choice to leave
but didn't bother telling me
i just could not believe

that anyone could be so rude
he sat and ate with us
sat with me and held my hand
and made no kind of fuss

the knock upon the front door
the horrible realization
no trust could ever yet survive
this senseless agitation

as he prepared to leave me
i only tried to ask him
why he didn't talk to me
'stead of acting on a whim

thinking I was angry 
because I disagreed
he made a call for rescue
when there was no need

so hurt and spurned i needed
some words to tell me why
he pushed me hard, he shoved me
and I began to cry

and I struck out at him at last
for I had had enough
of being hurt yet one more time
the going was too tough

for any vow to e're survive
for any love to heal
and all I wanted at the start
to hold him and to feel

the love we both had promised
the comfort of his presence
was all I had in mind that night
had he but spoke one sentence

to bring to him my love that night
was all I thought to do
he spurned my love and ran away
as he was wont to do

and everything I dreamed of
died that awful night
pushed one time too many
our love became a blight

shock and disbelief were all
that i was left that night
this was the end of every dream
for I had lost my sight

of him; my one and only love
and I his one and only
now its o'er and done with
and both of us are lonely

my heart is sore and tears come
whenever I remember
the total trust I had in him
that long ago September

fourteen years together
with several years of pain
I know that I shall never know
a love like that again

Louie Spooner Bucklin Copyright 2014


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## SarahC

thought that was pretty good.Shame it had to be spawned out of misery.


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## moustress

I'm glad you liked it. Letting the words out helps work through the misery.


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## moustress

hedged

words oozing 
hot like road tar in summer
sticky situation
almost but not quite 
what you guessed
bummer

Louie Spooner Bucklin Copyright 2014


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## moustress

blind

i was unsure of what to do
when hearing he was hurt 
he'll never call for me again
although i am alert

my heart grows sad and dark to know
that the one i love is hurting
i sit and worry at the pain
but wisdom is asserting

no easy thing to turn away
though i am less than free 
but i would not hurt him more
and he has fear of me

in loving from a distance
i find the kindest thing
that i can do is stay away
i'll keep what i would bring

heartache for old love's sake
i turn away and sigh
no more to reach out to him
and few tears let to cry

love lies helpless at my feet
i know its suffering well
both injured and insulted 
there is no more to tell

Louie Spooner Bucklin copyright 2014


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## moustress

My Little Tumor and Me

reba mentated vigorously
bella became bellicose
My Little Tumor just giggled
at the words that i just chose

it fits so neatly where it is
almost as if it belonged there
though it is truly unwanted
here, there or anywhere

reba says 'you go drop dead'
bella screams 'just go away!'
me, i sit and ponder awhile
bout My Little Tumor and me

for it's a part of me right now
with no need to hate the thing
there's no need to curse my fate
this confounding happening

and bella shrugs from behind
while reba does haughtily sniff
My Little Tumor giggles at me
for the thing brings many an if

if it stays there will it behave
if it grows shall reba shrink
or shall bella take all it up
oh, whatever can i think?

oh, it's a part of me now
and oh, it goes where i go
such a silly little thing to be
and, for what, i'll never know

I will sing to My Little Tumor 
to soothe and calm it's fear
surely as it is a part of me
i should hold it to be dear

and wish it well, but on it's way
to a better place it'll find
and grow and grow in joyous ways
instead of squashing my mind

a crowd around it waits, eager
to know what it would do
to vision, hearing, sense of smell
and locomotion too

stay as you are, My Little Tumor
My Little Tumor, be still
then someday you will find a way
some way you will find your will

leads you to some other place
where you can be all you can be
until then, we are pals for sure
My Little Tumor and Me

Louie Spooner Bucklin copyright 2014


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## moustress

betrayal

do these tears i cry rinse away
the searing sting of betrayal
or are they only wasted
it comes to me now and again
how deep the canyons of my grief
have grown as the scene grew
deeper and darker in my soul
trivial tensions cannot touch
where light refuses to be seen
wrought in days and nights 
repeatedly suffusing all around
with sadness and sere grief
how dry the prospects of tomorrow
taking up yesterday's trials
freshly crack the seeds of fear
roots take hold and sickness
grows around my heavy head
take away the shell that remains
there are no places in this scene
for the empty husk of hope
frozen in place by an early winter
the heart slows, then stops cold
pray for spring but step with care
the traps are set and baited
to find you and take you down 
hold tight to the trace of time
pulling you away from horror's
heavy hindsight luring the lesser
value to cheapen hope and burden
the remnants of a once lovely
dream with tons of drifting trash
this is not a life you see here
only a torn map of a priceless 
treasure, taken and lost forever
weep for the loss while you can

Louie Spooner Bucklin Copyright 2014


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## moustress

pierced

you sit and watch the horror 
played out in front of you
as if unreal just a show
then it turns on you and you know
the truth
see all fine intents soiled by intrigue
all good hampered and muffled
monstrous distortion renders love
to a slick stain spread on the ground
love lived here once
where only regrets linger now
watch for the next episode of gore
hearts smashed and offered to the god of garbage
give all fine things away else trash them
one by one they turn away
no more show to be seen
yet they look back and agitate
for more blood on the ground
more tragic than it looks
ruinous waste amid luxury
broken promises hold hands
with steadfast love
lacking the wit to let go
we fall under the weight of wishing
while others dance in our skins
sacrifice to dead dreams

Louie Spooner Bucklin copyright 2014


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## moustress

nightshade

create a chasm of grief 
to dispose of hope and love
in back of a garden of your own making
cram the problems
instead of dealing with them
carry on as if you dont mind the pain
cover it over so it's not visible
deny any discomfort or inconvenience

let it break down 
into potent emotional catalysts
feeding the little enigmas and puzzles
grown beyond any imagined proportion
towering and thundering
laughing cruelly as they grow
blot out the burning sun
create illusions of comfort and safety
green and verdant
in the midst of poisoned perils

when ready, unearth the product
mix well, apply liberally
fertilizing fatal ferment 
with remnants 
of faith unfounded
on top of love unbounded
strip away serenity and sanity
howl and gibber at the day
overtaken and choked
fed well first on loves fancy 
then on loves lies

bury the pain and water with tears
expect no help, harvest if you dare
a little poison goes a long way

Louie Spooner Bucklin Coyright 2015


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## moustress

truthiness
words that carry the conviction
that it was someone else's responsibility
out of focus images
appear real 
flaunting the flaw of falsehood
semblance of saintly sanity
hiding a hellbent half truth
behind big eyes 
back lighting the stage 
so clearly
it seems like a show
where lies upstage likely larceny
and love languishes
lowering eyelashes
flashing innocence
fills in the spaces left
fair fault finds purchase
elsewhere

Louie Spooner Bucklin copyright 2015


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