# instants



## moustress

A new poetry blog as I turn the corner from madness and stroll my way into a new life.

More to some, soon!


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## moustress

kneeling

sang, kneeling

one pristine moment
an excess of goodness
blotting up sorrow and regret
a bounty offered freely
pure inspiration
priceless, timeless
a snowflake melting on my tongue
the perfume of a million springs
midst winter's bitterest blows
verdant life sprang all around
angels sang accapella
danced on clouds
clinging in the heavens
awaiting your approach

Louie Spooner Bucklin copyright 2015


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## moustress

skin

skin is not too bright
wanting without any sense of propriety
skin feels all but knows nothing
convenient numbness
might be the answer
then again maybe not
a challenge to feel
might push the skin into trouble
wordless and clueless
deaf and dumb
then scorched like a marshmallow
over a bonfire
aflame with embarrassment
ruined completely
listen to the heart
it says
'stop, skin; wait for me
i know, i sense
only i can keep you safe'
the fires of strangers
are real dangers
loved, the skin is tamed
behaves perfectly
hangs where it belongs
until invited

Louie Spooner Bucklin copyright 2015


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## moustress

No one comments on my poetry very often, but I want to point out that I write in a large variety of modes.

You could also say that I am inconsistent, but I like the sound of the first thing I wrote better.

Maybe it's passion vs. dispassion; or good humor vs. bad humor.

Any thoughts?

I think I write when my brain gets that annoying itch that tells me, "Aughhh...too many words in these thoughts!! Must expel some of them..." Then, I sneeze through my fingertips onto the page/screen, after which I say, "Ahhh...I feel so much better now." Not a pretty image, but then, that's my life.


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## moustress

liveness

reaching to see meaning
deep enough to engulf you
yet you are scaled to the minute
dwarfed by the scale of the surface

unaware of the scale of the whole
realms of untold motion and fury
await the ages passage

minute speck, i honor you
your thought is filled with intent
look deeper and know your place
a view to aliveness when all signs
speak of unlikely connection
life the anomaly

inhale the gravity of love
moored to this, you find yourself
a magnet to others of your kind

Louie Spooner Bucklin copyright 2015


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## moustress

magic

foliage stripped and trunk blasted by ice and snow
waited for the forgotten touch of spring
thought to died from the cold
winter a scourge to the soft and tender
at last a breath of warmth
release
swells of sap
the strenghthening sun
feeling the desire to become
bursting into bud
embellishing the bright day 
green moving upwards 
towards gold and red gold
a haze of longing not to be kept waiting
bursting at last into the day
resting in the bright regard of the moon
dreaming of tomorrow's delight
bringing forth boldly the flags of spring

Louie Spooner Bucklin copyright 2015


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## moustress

faith

spring sputters with near freezing nights
after summery teasings of thunderstorms 
blooms stand forlorn as the advance is pushed back
they wake to chill and damp
wishing for warmth from a reluctant sun
flowers must have faith to survive
spring much less winter

Louie Spooner Bucklin copyright 2015


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## moustress

my life reprised

locked up
he thought it was me who put him there
delusions that i was obsessed with making him a prisoner 
or that i was kidnapping him
holding him hostage
i didn't know until it was too late,
no changing the thoughts that recurred
so many months spent 
futile efforts to get him to settle down
ended in utter catastrophe
violence
lies 
broken promises
my home lost
my marriage over
while those who might have helped us
believed his delusions and would not help me

i couldn't let go 
adored him abjectly
in the end i finally struck him back
told him i hated him
never wanted to see him again
that he understood
pain being his first language

devastated 
i spent my time trying not to kill myself
felt i had lost myself when i struck him
so many hours sitting at home
many hours in therapy
many hours reaching out to friends
I really thought i would die
never thought i could hurt that much
i tried so hard to love him
keep him safe and healthy
the delusions were unbeatable
and now he is physically disabled as well
for one obsessed with running away
sadly ironic 
losing use of his legs

i suffered
lacerated from every quarter
i didn't believe it would ever happen
but i struggled for a year
and found peace in the woods
strange to smile
wondering what is this
oh i'm happy
and glad he is not here

our friends tell me 
that the man i married thirteen years ago
is dead
i believe it
i still struggled with loss and grief
not wanting to lose the love that we had shared
the music that was such 
an important
part of bringing us together
now i am sad intermittently
while trying to find reasons to live

oh
and as i was losing my house
the marriage lost
then i was diagnosed with a brain tumor
i wrote a song 
to celebrate the exceptional thing
no one commented
it is a part of me 
i have to live with it
it makes me a little mad
after all else was said and done
but that's life
something will get me sooner and later

meanwhile
i try to carry on
relearning to love music
as i relearn to love myself
the treasure was lost
but the values i own
are mine and I will not flinch
from the hard tasks i am left to complete

this i promise myself
sacred to Goddess 
life is to be treasured
my life will be good again
truth is to be embraced
and love cherished
even if only in memory

Louie Spooner Bucklin copyright 2015


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## moustress

gateway

holding open the way
one stands and waits
who will enter here?
what will come of my efforts
at keeping the passage clear?
some would say i waste my energy
let it close they say
no one will care
but if even one 
wishes to pass here
it is enough for me
remaining firm and waiting
one hand reaching out
the other pointing the way
do you have a need to go here?
i will wait for you
in love and hope
that you may find your way
to where you belong

Louie Spooner Bucklin copyright 2015


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## moustress

where?

when the heart turns traitor
and leads me down perilous paths
offering no return for the effort
I need to discard
the map and choose a new path

oh heart
when will you ever learn
the map
is not the territory

Louie Spooner Bucklin copyright 2015


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## moustress

freeze dried love

words withered 
the moment
they were spoken
dried by sere and sunsoaked days
dehydrated friendship
mix with tears
add facetime and stir
settling out to the bottom
trust drowns and dies
take your instant wisdom
save it for the final sacrifice
wheat separated from chaff
ground and given out
feeding the birds 
the only benefit 
of bone deep doubt
and disappointment

Louie Spooner Bucklin copyright 2015


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## moustress

sacred place

vaulting to green
the cathedral of day reaches
the ceiling of the forest
ritual birds sing to unknown rhythms
spirits rise with the sun
kiss the sky hello
these old ones know
why the day speaks of love
between the branches and the blue above
as each leaf supplicates
living for love of the sky above
naves for every dreamer
to kneel in prayer
living treasures; 
live these moments
this day is only one 
yet unique and unrepeatable
faithful as the seasons
fervent as the wind
growing up and out
raise cathedral eyes and hands
gaze on the sacred
fully blessed

Louie Spooner Bucklin copyright 2015


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## moustress

once i held the keys to a castle in the air
where my love and i would live forever
he made it sound like heaven, 
he filled my eyes with dreams
he locked the door and set it all ablaze
with me inside trying to find the ways
crying to my only one
don't leave me here to die
please open up the way so i can find you
but he left

he went away 
left me here to die
and now i walk the skies at night
i hope i make a pretty sight
blazing as my heart still burns quite hot
so many things he promised me were not
very simply vanished gone in smoke
on tears and smoke hot ashes now i choke
come to me here in the sky my own true love
hold me in your arms and feel my fire
come and share my final bed

come unto my pyre and take my hand
forever we will travel through this land
come join me for eternity pinned against the sky
for did you not believe that we could fly
you told me so so many times, you know
that our love was eternal, our life would never end
and unto love's dominion you would bend.
come share with me the fruits of love destroyed
and taste the bitter cup that you employed
to lure me into living there

i thought that you were coming
until i smelled the smoke and saw the fire
i wander in the heavens without end
this is what you made of love so pure
everything i had i gave unto you
only heat and light and motion
remain

Louie Spooner Bucklin copyright 2015


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## moustress

waking

waking
sleep deprived
dreaming disrupted
protests and persecution persist
gone the warmth of a whole heart
graven pictures reveal
glances of spirits
chances

survival subsists on little
deeper the dive down and away
it is a way of passing over
danger

motion draws mention
so they move their eyes
complaining as it clears
take a lesson from it
to heart
holding
soft

release and be gone
return to the source
empty eyes
silence

remaining thoughts
fill the void of expectations
with hard won
peace

Louie Spooner Bucklin Copyright 2015


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## pumpkinmouse

These are lovely c: Thank you for posting!
Liveness & of course my life reprised were my absolute favorites. Don't be discouraged by the lack of responses. Talent is talent, recognized or not.


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## moustress

Thank you! 

It's rare to receive comments at all; I suppose that a lot of people feel unqualified to comment which is a shame. I appreciate knowing that someone other that me is enjoying them. Words are so...plastic...that it's like painting or sculpting as the words change significance in each different placement with other words. Language is a powerful and spooky tool.

This forum is the first place I ever showed my stuff but I figured, after fifty years of writing, if the stuff isn't ready to be read, it never will be ready.


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## DomLangowski

These are really nice, keep it up. Following


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## moustress

Dom, thank you so much! 

There is a lot I don't post that I don't consider finished yet. I save everything that I write, though so pieces are mined from those into newer pieces. My mind is always full of words; it's something I don't really have control over. Writing has been a constant in my life for years, and a necessary thing these past few years. I have hundreds of pages of personal journaling just from the last four years.

I'm glad to see you still active in this Forum. I don't know if I will ever keep meeces again but I enjoy reading about them and I have thousands of pictures of my own to enjoy. It tickled me when my therapist Googled for fancy mice and two or three if the photos that were initially displayed in the search results were mine!


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## moustress

compassed

angry with my heart
tip-toeing around blades and flames
here is the reason for despair
struck deep into stone and
lit by poisoned passion

toxic love remains
where nothing else can stand
chained in plain sight
where anyone
could see

left behind
i try to find a way through
my heart gone on ahead holds
the only map of this madness
afire it lights the way
then dies

darkness is total
confusion calls out to clarity
reaching in all directions
finding nothing
of use

hole in the night
caught at the edge teetering
okay and not okay
no help to find

leaving it behind is possible
light is rumored in the distance
pick up the pace and run
headlong away from
fear and doubt

Louie Spooner Bucklin copyright 2016


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## moustress

down time

floating serenely
held by a warm embrace with you
so easy to flow down time
feeling secure in the future
not knowing you had swallowed razors in the form of lies
how you survived internal laceration
as you reaped the consequences
is still beyond my understanding

how does a person function
in the aftermath of deception
dodging and dashing when questions
lifted their heads to stare
as you struck another pose

blinded by utter faith in your love
following the furrows you had plowed in my future
looking for the crop of years ahead for my reaping
believing always that rain would come
and sun would shine
for all my years

then you began to shake and shudder
at the hint of a shadow in your sunny demeanor
i held hope high and helped as if it could make a difference
after it all started to tumble down around us
razors flying out your mouth
as i dodged damnation

shallow cuts not killing outright
shapes like glyphs grew on my face
questioning the need for this pain
while trying to assign blame elsewhere
blame for bad time, belief for loves true vocation
blinded bloodied bullied bereft
believing still
in you

lost love leaves behind
weary months wearing wishful thinking
like armor against the war
spearing this and that to carry
a burden too heavy to bear
belief broken

even now looking with the minds' eye
traceries of scars half healed in my soul
patterns become clear and close
readable understanding begs to be bought
by a lost dream that lingers
in love's fading light

Louie Spooner Bucklin copyright 2016


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## moustress

arrival

wilderness of my soul
arrived here to find nothing for me
but work and prayer
for peace

while gone you proceed
believing i am gone for good
thinking it all has been finished neatly
nightly counting the names
of those who fell behind
but i have not

gone ahead of you
i made a map of invisible ink
only love will show
how to go

loving myself as i once loved you
giving all i have in doubt and dreaming
arrived here with a plan
written in flames
clear

standing alone
i give me the prize for winning
i give me all the time i need
it is covering the cost
for waiting til now
to come home

gone so far you fade from view
i did not break the rules or the promises
left to die i fought for breath and will
now i stand in this empty place
puzzled and hopeful
hesitant

wilderness of my soul
drawn from pain and pressure
finished in time for peace
to come at last

Louie Spooner Bucklin copyright 2016


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## moustress

restoration

sifting through the miscellany
left of her former life
you know that person died
and i am left to tell this
trying to piece together
what it was before

no longer holding out
no restoration will occur
a total loss all in all

now I find a space left
in this shell where once she was
is it emptiness or opportunity
that looks to me
to be filled

holding to herself did not serve her well
no one trusts a silent guest
no one looked to help
she turned away and held
feeling all of it inside
her solution was to die

i am lifting my head and looking
around where i find myself
sorting through little remnants
is there a history to be written
is there an explanation
that can be found
in any of it

burn the memories each and every one
warm my hands and walk away
there is little to say of her now
but i am moving out and away
i will hold my head high
and get on with the business
of living after death

my twin soul made a tight fit anyway
now there is room
for growth

Louie Spooner Bucklin copyright 2016


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## moustress

savings

regretting the shock of injury
taking away things at random is pointlessly painful
wondering if it could be directed there are so many things
i would love ardently to forget forever
would that i could pluck and pick 
poke and rearrange
in my mind

some are whole years i could have done without
rewind and erase the whole decade in some cases
then i stop and realize that what i have learned
might disappear as well which would be sad
useful to have learned that my judgement
of people was far from infallible
this failure really stung
so many people
fell from trust

now I know it can be processed and packed up
stored in small dark places that i have in my mind
regarded as locked from access
boxed and closed up
nearly gone

not having to hold those times up in front of me
a relief from the rigors of remembering a balm for this sore heart
resting away from the trying and testing i have gone through
done gone away from my sight as i turn my mind around
and regard the life in front of me 
and the world around me
without carrying 
all that was

Louie Spooner Bucklin copyright 2016


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## moustress

dreams of otherness

sometimes late at night I lie awake and push with my mind
against the fabric of the world around me hoping to find a connection
somewhere someone is looking for some one to talk to to hold to love
okay maybe not love but someone looking for intelligence
feeling that their world can't be the only place
there must be a mind to find
behind the barriers
below the eye
out there

an experiment in thought i tell myself no point worrying
he/she/they will find me if they want to but why would they
other than the thought surely this is something that everybody does
then I start to drift thinking what was i thinking what was it
something good it something interesting and then
sleep descends and it is lost
not as lost as other
near sleep ideas

it wastes nothing to think about stuff and it occupies my brain
while I wait for sleep or friends from out there to take me away
it must be better than nothing and advanced peoples surely could
hear or feel or sense in some way my hunger for the beyond
it is never enough for me the here and now
keeps me hopping most of the time
day by day and night by night
moving forward in time
waking and sleeping
he/she/they are there
waiting for me

Louie Spooner Bucklin copyright 2016


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